elp19744

I'm writing this post because I destroyed my wifes confidence in our relationship and I didn't even know it. On the night before I decided to get sober I drank a bottle of absinthe. I can remember up to 6 o clock and then all I remember is waking up in the basement, freezing, and with a sore back. Apparently sometime after 6 o clock I told my wife that I wanted a divorce. I assume I was pretty brutal about it, hitting on all her weak spots and bullying her. But the thing is I don't want that and I have no idea why I said it. She says there is truth in wine (a stupid saying I taught her) and her faith in our relationship is rocked. I'm going to send my wife the link to this thread and if there is anyone who can relate to my story and offer my wife words of encouragment that there is not always truth in wine and that I was just being a mean bully it would mean the world to me. For me to get better I need to have my wife know that I'm commited to her and my family.

Pamel

When we are not sober we are Mr. Hyde. Read that book. As soon as I have a drink it is the drink speaking, not me. Oh, I might say things that I have felt but not vocalized (like my anger at my own husband) and then you not only have to deal with the hangover but the fallout of what was said/done.

I am doing that now (10th day sober) but a lot of vitriol came out when I was drinking because I didn't have the courage to work through our difficulties sober.

I have (with great success) put my "three basket rule" into effect:

1. Your basket contains YOUR problems
2. Her basket contains HER problems
3. Contains YOUR problems together

As a for instance (minor) my husband doesn't want to face his real issues so he started yesterday taking apart some shelving that needs repair. Hardly urgent, and buttinsky that I am, I said "why are you doing that instead of -------????" And then I reminded myself that by trying to affect his decision, I was really avoiding my own problem for the day: staying sober and getting some boring work done.

Don't know if this will help but for me it has simplified things....

Sasha4

I am surprised you are still alive after drinking a bottle of that to be honest.

Did you get any pleasure whatsoever out of drinking it?

Please, please stay away from it. You need to stay away from all booze, but especially absinthe.

Starbaby928

Elp- I'm not sure I have words of wisdom but I can say I've done the same... Two nights ago. I told my partner things that I don't believe are true... But they are things that I know- in a sober state- she's insecure about.

I woke up... And I'm facing the consequence of that. It's so hard honestly feeling that you would NEVER say such things & facing evidence that you indeed did... And navigating the path of asking your loved one to understand that.

This propelled me into the realization that I can't control myself when I drink... And, as such, I can't drink anymore.

Pamel- thanks for sharing that approach. I hope I get the opportunity one day to put that into action with my partner.

elp19744

Thats how I feel - I cant control myself when I am drinking

Starbaby928

I can relate, especially since I classify myself as a binge drinker. I don't drink everyday...
But when I do, watch out.

I'm still in a state of shock... And I spoke with my partner yesterday morning. She was so, so hurt & angry with me. It was a difficult thing to hear. And I didn't have a good answer for her. This isn't the first time I've put her in this position.

I'm only on the morning of Day 2, but my plan is to give her space, let her reach out to me if she ever wants & work through recovery... One day at a time. I'm anxious but positive.

Ptcapote

Hi Elp, thanks so much for sharing that. I too have destroyed or severely damaged the trust in many relationships because of what I said/did when I was drunk. My therapist once said that many drunks and druggies tend to be highly perceptive and often turn to drink or drug to deaden those feelings. The downside of that whole thing is that when we drink and let loose on someone, those very same perceptive abilities allow us to cut someone down to the core in record time. I used to say the meanest stuff I could think of (and there was often a lot) to people when I was drunk and, when I could remember it, watch with sick pleasure the fascination of them recoiling because I had hit a "home run."

When I was sober I could barely live with myself because I go the opposite way as a sober person---always trying to build people up, even at the expense of myself.

I haven't started working the steps in AA where you get to the point where you list what you did/said and try to make amends but I have a feeling I am going to be there a long while.

I have found that people who have experience with alcohol and drug abuse (themselves or with others) are usually more understanding or forgiving but those that don't? Yikes---long haul to repair those relationships.

Anyway, I hear you and thanks so much for sharing this. I am facing down the same thing right now although not with a spouse.

x

Starbaby928

PTCapote- Thanks for sharing your therapist's thoughts...Something to think about for sure.

I'm struggling with HOW to rebuild my relationship with my partner... As I said though- I've decided (after it may be too late) to give her space & let her work through her feelings.

We spit six weeks ago or so... And she's begged for space... I've been ok at giving it to her unless I've been drinking. And a few nights ago, things went sideways in a horrible way.

So- I'm sort of trying not to fixate on how to fix it & focus on my recovery... But that sort of feels selfish to me and I have a ton of guilt- about the incidences & about my desire to recover.

renaldo

My personal feeling is that alcohol can make you do things that aren't related to repressed feelings. I'm basing that on other people's behavior, not mine. And not family members, but people in DUI class. Randomly punching a friend for no reason whatsoever, for example.

Perhaps there are repressed feelings involved, but they may be unrelated to the recipient of the aggressive behavior.

I could purchase absinthe easily enough, but I've heard enough horror stories, going back to old times. I haven't heard a single story of a cheery experience, even in current times. Everyone regretted it, so I'm just not tempted.

bigaquagirl

I agree with the post that we are very perceptive and the things we say always hit the"home run". Well put! The truth is we have been conditioned to suppress these feelings, these truths that we see in other people. we all blindly walking with bags of ****! And none seem to notice, none seem to recognize this ... but US? And when we drink we let it go ... we let them have it for all the evil or ignorance they have put us through ...
I have been and still am in very abusive relationship. I have been bullied but I have also been a victim. WRONG! I have played a victim. WRONG! ?.. i finally realized that it takes two people to tango and make a relationship. There are no saints on this planet. We can only change ourselves and that also includes telling someone the truth - even if it will hurt ... they can either accept it or leave. Either way - destroying oneself will not change another person.

Starbaby928

I guess in my case I don't feel l repressed these feelings about my partner. I don't agree with the things I said to her... But I recognize that they are things she's insecure about, which makes me feel even more cruel.

It does take two to tango, she's not perfect... But I own the dismantling of our relationship. I did that. She would have never left if I maintained control.

Dee74

Hi elp

I doubt there's anything anyone here could say that would help repair your relationship.
Thats your job I'm afraid.

One of my friends on the Friends and Family side of the board used to say 'you (the alcoholic) don't get to tell me how to feel, or to set my timetable for trust and forgiveness'.

I have no doubt you didn't mean what you said - but you said it - and druink or not, meaning it or not, we have to 'take our lumps'.

I hurt a lot of people when I was drunk - most forgave me, in time, when I showed by my actions I'd really changed....but some did not - and have not til this day.

They have every right to hold that grudge. It's their call.

I wish you and your wife the best - I truly hope you guys have the kind of relationship that can get past this

D

paul99

I had done a LOT of little and not so little things in my marriage to break trust and let my wife down - it wasn't one big thing, but it was like death by a thousand cuts. There was no instant way of repairing that damage. It was through working the steps of AA that I was able to change my outlook on life and to change my behaviors and way of thinking. It took me time to get my wife's trust back - it didn't happen overnight. Like has been said already - that is something between you and your wife, there is nothing that we can say that may hold sway.

The idea that alcohol brings out things that we repress. I am not entirely sure of that either. We do have emotions that we may be holding back on, and spirits do loosen things up, be remember that like our mind, our emotions are also impaired. Things are blown out of proportion, or honed in on the wrong person, or twisted in a sick way that is not at all what I may have been thinking. A lot of my self-hatred came out to hatred of others...quite the opposite of how I felt.

I wish you luck on this, but the first thing that needs to be addressed is the drinking. IF that doesn't get addressed, not sure how other things will work out.