My name is John and I'm a real alcoholic
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 12
My name is John and I'm a real alcoholic
This is my first post. I’m not sure where to start, but I had over twelve years sobriety until two and a half years ago when I relapsed. Looking back I realize I had let my program slide, and it was just a matter of time before I picked up. It has been a roller coaster since then – treatment, relapse, another treatment, another relapse and on and on. My drinking is definitely no fun, yet I still go back to it over and over, in spite of my relationships, my job, and everything else important to me in hanging by a thread.
The relapses have been brutal, complete with many emergency room visits, horrific detoxes complete with scary hallucinations I’ve never had before – I’m not getting any younger and the disease is progressive and deadly. I need to reach out and ask for help before I pick up. I don’t have to obey my thoughts of feelings. Sounds so simple, yet I don’t, cant, won’t do it.
I do believe I’m powerless and if pick up it will end badly, yet still go back. I wonder what it’s going to take. Is this it? I’m scared it won’t be enough, and that if I that if I lose those, the whole house of cards that is my life will collapse.
I know the program works – it did for 12 years. I would be grateful for anyone’s experience, strength and hope. Maybe in this forum I will be able to hear it differently. I thank God for giving me a sliver of hope to get back on the horse. So here I am. I’m John and I’m an alcoholic.
The relapses have been brutal, complete with many emergency room visits, horrific detoxes complete with scary hallucinations I’ve never had before – I’m not getting any younger and the disease is progressive and deadly. I need to reach out and ask for help before I pick up. I don’t have to obey my thoughts of feelings. Sounds so simple, yet I don’t, cant, won’t do it.
I do believe I’m powerless and if pick up it will end badly, yet still go back. I wonder what it’s going to take. Is this it? I’m scared it won’t be enough, and that if I that if I lose those, the whole house of cards that is my life will collapse.
I know the program works – it did for 12 years. I would be grateful for anyone’s experience, strength and hope. Maybe in this forum I will be able to hear it differently. I thank God for giving me a sliver of hope to get back on the horse. So here I am. I’m John and I’m an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Welcome to SR John, and thank you for sharing your story with us.
Relapsing after 12 years shows all of us that we must never get complacent. I take it from your posts that you're in AA. Do you have a sponsor and are you working through the steps with him?
I am a relative newbie with only coming up to 9 months of sobriety. 12 years seems a lifetime to me!
We have a 12 step forum here on SR, a lot of people with long term solid sobriety who would only be too happy to share their ESH with you.
Welcome aboard x
Relapsing after 12 years shows all of us that we must never get complacent. I take it from your posts that you're in AA. Do you have a sponsor and are you working through the steps with him?
I am a relative newbie with only coming up to 9 months of sobriety. 12 years seems a lifetime to me!
We have a 12 step forum here on SR, a lot of people with long term solid sobriety who would only be too happy to share their ESH with you.
Welcome aboard x
to the family! I'm glad you found us and joined us.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Hi John, and welcome....
I don't know...but when I felt myself sliding down a slippery slope in 2011, I found SR and it was quite helpful to me - from its gratitude threads, to its 12-step forum, and even discussions about alternative methods that I knew nothing of because they didn't exist at the time I got sober (or, they may have, but the internet was just starting to get into households).
More importantly, I find the experience, strength and hope shared by those new to sobriety to be invaluable to me. We help each other, no matter where we are in recovery.
Have you decided to go back to meetings and go through the steps again?
I don't know...but when I felt myself sliding down a slippery slope in 2011, I found SR and it was quite helpful to me - from its gratitude threads, to its 12-step forum, and even discussions about alternative methods that I knew nothing of because they didn't exist at the time I got sober (or, they may have, but the internet was just starting to get into households).
More importantly, I find the experience, strength and hope shared by those new to sobriety to be invaluable to me. We help each other, no matter where we are in recovery.
Have you decided to go back to meetings and go through the steps again?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Hi John and welcome here.
My story is like yours: had lots of 1-2 years, relapse, then 10 years, relapse, then 13 years, relapse and then more shorter periods of sobriety.
I don't discount those sober times because I wouldn't have had a "life" without them, but I am getting way to old to relapse again (9th day back). The last 3 months have been horrific, and somehow I just never quite got the part where the first drink gets you drunk. I am back regularly in AA and intend to augment it with AVRT and Smart Recovery principles; ANYTHING to keep my sobriety.
I'll "subscribe" to this thread and maybe we can help each other a bit.
My story is like yours: had lots of 1-2 years, relapse, then 10 years, relapse, then 13 years, relapse and then more shorter periods of sobriety.
I don't discount those sober times because I wouldn't have had a "life" without them, but I am getting way to old to relapse again (9th day back). The last 3 months have been horrific, and somehow I just never quite got the part where the first drink gets you drunk. I am back regularly in AA and intend to augment it with AVRT and Smart Recovery principles; ANYTHING to keep my sobriety.
I'll "subscribe" to this thread and maybe we can help each other a bit.
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Hey John, Welcome to SR.
The 12 step area here is great. I highly recommend it!
Have you gone back to meeting or called any of your friends there from your previous experience? That would also be a great place to start. Just gotta get past that first apprehensiveness of doing it and it will get easier.
All the best.
The 12 step area here is great. I highly recommend it!
Have you gone back to meeting or called any of your friends there from your previous experience? That would also be a great place to start. Just gotta get past that first apprehensiveness of doing it and it will get easier.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by mundy 
This is my first post. I’m not sure where to start, but I had over twelve years sobriety until two and a half years ago when I relapsed. Looking back I realize I had let my program slide, and it was just a matter of time before I picked up. It has been a roller coaster since then – treatment, relapse, another treatment, another relapse and on and on. My drinking is definitely no fun, yet I still go back to it over and over, in spite of my relationships, my job, and everything else important to me in hanging by a thread.
The relapses have been brutal, complete with many emergency room visits, horrific detoxes complete with scary hallucinations I’ve never had before – I’m not getting any younger and the disease is progressive and deadly. I need to reach out and ask for help before I pick up. I don’t have to obey my thoughts of feelings. Sounds so simple, yet I don’t, cant, won’t do it.
I do believe I’m powerless and if pick up it will end badly, yet still go back. I wonder what it’s going to take. Is this it? I’m scared it won’t be enough, and that if I that if I lose those, the whole house of cards that is my life will collapse.
I know the program works – it did for 12 years. I would be grateful for anyone’s experience, strength and hope. Maybe in this forum I will be able to hear it differently. I thank God for giving me a sliver of hope to get back on the horse. So here I am. I’m John and I’m an alcoholic.
The relapses have been brutal, complete with many emergency room visits, horrific detoxes complete with scary hallucinations I’ve never had before – I’m not getting any younger and the disease is progressive and deadly. I need to reach out and ask for help before I pick up. I don’t have to obey my thoughts of feelings. Sounds so simple, yet I don’t, cant, won’t do it.
I do believe I’m powerless and if pick up it will end badly, yet still go back. I wonder what it’s going to take. Is this it? I’m scared it won’t be enough, and that if I that if I lose those, the whole house of cards that is my life will collapse.
I know the program works – it did for 12 years. I would be grateful for anyone’s experience, strength and hope. Maybe in this forum I will be able to hear it differently. I thank God for giving me a sliver of hope to get back on the horse. So here I am. I’m John and I’m an alcoholic.
I had 1 90 day rehab in 1989 and straight into AA where I surrendered as best I could to the program. So far it's worked for nearly 24 yrs.
I do not want another detox as I'm quite sure I'm out of chances. I know I have another drunk in me but I don't think I have another recovery.
I'm not sure what you want to hear differently but I'll tell you what my sponsor said in 1989 "Don't drink and go to meetings".
It's all explained very well in AA's "How It Works" .....
(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Welcome John.
Having been in AA before, I think you know what you gotta do. Get back in the program. Get a sponsor, work the steps, help some other alcoholics.
The Big Book tells me that there is one reason that I will ever drink again, a failure to enlarge my spiritual life. "It is easy to let up on our spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do."
You can do this my friend. Get back Into Action.
God Bless!
Having been in AA before, I think you know what you gotta do. Get back in the program. Get a sponsor, work the steps, help some other alcoholics.
The Big Book tells me that there is one reason that I will ever drink again, a failure to enlarge my spiritual life. "It is easy to let up on our spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do."
You can do this my friend. Get back Into Action.
God Bless!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Pamel
Hi John and welcome here.
My story is like yours: had lots of 1-2 years, relapse, then 10 years, relapse, then 13 years, relapse and then more shorter periods of sobriety.
I don't discount those sober times because I wouldn't have had a "life" without them, but I am getting way to old to relapse again (9th day back). The last 3 months have been horrific, and somehow I just never quite got the part where the first drink gets you drunk. I am back regularly in AA and intend to augment it with AVRT and Smart Recovery principles; ANYTHING to keep my sobriety.
I'll "subscribe" to this thread and maybe we can help each other a bit.
My story is like yours: had lots of 1-2 years, relapse, then 10 years, relapse, then 13 years, relapse and then more shorter periods of sobriety.
I don't discount those sober times because I wouldn't have had a "life" without them, but I am getting way to old to relapse again (9th day back). The last 3 months have been horrific, and somehow I just never quite got the part where the first drink gets you drunk. I am back regularly in AA and intend to augment it with AVRT and Smart Recovery principles; ANYTHING to keep my sobriety.
I'll "subscribe" to this thread and maybe we can help each other a bit.
Thanks for your support - it's great to know that others are where I'm at. One day at a time right. FYI I got some feedback in this thread that I may find the 12 step forum may be a better place for me, so I've moved over there. If you still want to buddy up, I'm sure you'll be able to find me there. I'm still finding my way around this site.
John
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 179
John thanks for your post. I am the queen of relapse the past 6 years. I can only put together 4-7 months at a stretch. I think my problem was that I was so over medicated on psych meds that I just didn't give a ****, I was complacent. Now I'm feeling my feelings and it scares me. I am 38 days sober. This last relapse scared the crap out of me. I ended up in jail not once but twice in two days. When they tell you that it's chronic and progressive it's the truth. My consequences are immediate. I can't go on like this. It's the most difficult thing I've ever done, but I have no choice. To drink is to suffer and I'm tired and too old for this. If you need someone to talk to please I'm here. I know what you're going through. I've been to emergency rooms and mental hospitals. I feel like I just woke up and realize just how destructive alcohol has been. My life is over if I drink again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
Hi John,
Welcome.
You said, "My drinking is definitely no fun." There must be some initial fun, if only fleeting. Temporary release, but then bondage.
I asked my sister why she drinks to the point of black outs and she said, "because it feels good going into it, and I like oblivion."
Cutting out emotional pain is a factor for me, as well as being a sleep aid. Tossing and turning in bed is the pits... and having random thoughts repeated over and over in my head. Not necessarily negative thoughts, just any old thoughts, phrases, ruminations, etc.
Welcome.
You said, "My drinking is definitely no fun." There must be some initial fun, if only fleeting. Temporary release, but then bondage.
I asked my sister why she drinks to the point of black outs and she said, "because it feels good going into it, and I like oblivion."
Cutting out emotional pain is a factor for me, as well as being a sleep aid. Tossing and turning in bed is the pits... and having random thoughts repeated over and over in my head. Not necessarily negative thoughts, just any old thoughts, phrases, ruminations, etc.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: If I knew the way, I would take you home.
Posts: 30
I would suggest that you get back in touch with your HP. He is truly the one that can help you. You left Him, He hasn't left you. You will find new people and new ideas here on SR, but still the same HP that was there for you the last time. Give it back to Him, all of it this time. Welcome back. God bless!
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