rescuegirl

hi everyone. im in a relationship with an alcoholic and i realize that he is not the only one who needs help. im in over my head and dont know how to act or what to do to best support him. it reads like the typical story, he's wonderful, amazing, loving, adoring...but he cant stop drinking, or wont stop. he lost his driver's license and then his job. he's on either his 5th or 7th DUI right now. i didnt find this out until after being with him for some time and falling in love. so i vowed to him to support him and be there for him whatever it took. so he said he wanted to quit, went to a couple AA meetings, mandated by court, and then stopped going. he was sober a little over a week when he said he thought he could drink once a week or so no problem, then that lasted 1 day after the first drink and its been a downward spiral. now, hes at the point of hiding alcohol and lying and sneaking around. he says hes not drinking while visibly drunk and smelling of liquor. when he cant lie, he'll circle around the truth but not give the whole truth. he makes promises to stop...those used to last a few days but now its hours. valentines day was a complete disaster...his birthday is tomorrow and tonight he came home drunk and first tried to say he wasnt drinking, then said well its my birthday so i bought a bottle...he just left home and is out driving around, no license and having been drinking. i love him. but i cant live like this. i cant be with someone i cannot trust. if he wanted to put effort into really quitting i feel i could give him all the patience and support he would need, but as it is i feel slighted and disregarded. i dont know what to do to help him, or if i can help him at all, i realize he has to want help and want to stop. i dont know, i just needed to put my thoughts out there and see what others who have experience have to say. thanks for this group.

Dee74

Hi rescuegirl - welcome
I'm sorry for your situation but I'm glad you've found us

I think everyone absolutely has a right to set boundaries for what they consider acceptable behaviour in a relationship. If your partner keeps breaking those boundaries time and again, I think you're right to be thinking about your future.

You'll find a lot of support here, and down in our Family and Friends forum too:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Sazzle

Hi RescueGirl. Welcome to SR

You are right, you can't help him. He will lie, he will resent you, he will continue to drink until he's sick of it and wants to stop.

I did most of my selfish drinking when I was single but I remember how resentful I was of my last long term partner when he was trying to control my drinking.

You may want to pop over to the 'family and friends' of alcoholics section as well, as this newcomers section is mainly alcoholics /recovering alcoholics

It sounds like alcohol is ruining his life. Don't let it ruin yours as well.

Take care

S x

ricmcc

Hi RG--I really hope that you take time to put yourself first, meaning look to your well being, and let him deal with his addiction--after all, he is the only one who can face up to his need to recover, so don't be a crutch to him, it won't help either of you, IMO. Best of luck to you, sorry if this sounds at all harsh, but as a recovering alcoholic, I can say that the best thing my wife did for me was to basically let myself fix myself up, and not put up with my BS--helped me alot to get my priorities straight, and it is safe to say that we are far happier for it. All the best to you, welcome to the site, and good luck--rick

k1rk

Hey RG, Welcome!! I hope you are ok and he does need help! I am a newbie to recovery but sounds alot like me! Until I took a hard long honest look at myself!!! Takecare of u cuz he has to help himself. The more you try helping him the farther he may push him away from u and sobriety. Sorry to be blunt but honesty is something that I need to be to stay sober myself!! Wishing you well and safe, K1RK

Louise82

Welcome, rescuegirl. Glad to have you here. I hope these forums help you find what you need. Keep coming back and keep posting. I back the recommendations of the Friends & Family section. Although I'm blessed enough to not yet have any friends or family who are alcoholic, I sometimes browse the F&F section and there seems to be a lot of warmth, support, understanding and friendship there.

Sasha4

Do you have children together?
Do you have a joint property?

If you don't then you are free to leave whenever you want.

LexieCat

Hi, RG,

Yes, please go and check out our Friends and Family forum. You will find a whole bunch of people who completely understand what you are going through and a whole lot of support.

I also highly recommend Al-Anon. Living with someone else's drinking makes us all a bit nutso, and Al-Anon can help you to calm down and make good choices for yourself.

patbrat

Hi rescue girl
I am a recovering drug addict married to an alcoholic. Please don't take the addiction personally. It's not your fault, and never will be and he know's it. It is up to the addict to want to quit and stay sober. It's a tough journey but something has to click in the addicts brain to really want to quit.