773niki

Hi friends -

I am looking for some advice to a situation that's really bringing me down. First off, I have 93 days sober which I am thrilled about. I committed to 90 meetings in 90 days, which I completed and wowed myself over because I haven't followed through on anything beneficial in a looooooong time! I'm feeling great, I have a sponsor, I'm working the steps, and I, for once, feel like I'm on the RIGHT track and will remain on it if I keep doing what I'm doing.

BUT - I'm having an issue with dealing with someone and wondered if anyone else has gone through a similar situation. My family and my boyfriend of over 2 years started out not believing this time would be different...and rightfully so. We've definitely had our ups and downs. However, over the past few months, my family has come around and they're super supportive and my boyfriend is getting there, slowly but surely. However, his sister (who he is super close to) is not. She has decided that she does not like me. It used to be that she had concerns about our relationship because I've had alot of issues. I've struggled with sobriety for the 2 years we were together. I've also been hospitalized for an eating disorder that revs up when I try to stop drinking. In October, I went to treatment for a dual diagnosis - eating disorder and alcohol abuse. Since then, I have been well on my way to a better life. (I've been to rehab before, 2 years ago, but it didn't stick like this time - I just wasn't ready).

Anyway, she got married in November and I was in the wedding party and got a dress and everything and at the last moment, told me she didn't want me to stand up. I bowed out gracefully - fully understanding because I personally didn't even know if our relationship would get past this hurdle. Then, my job fired me because of my treatment (which is illegal, yes, but I was offered a severance and unemployment, which I took, because I really wanted to start over anyway). This somehow led to her thinking I don't have a work ethic.

Instead of having "concerns" - she switched to plain out not liking me and she is very vocal about it. She ignores me when I see her. I am no longer invited to any events in which her and my boyfriend and their cousins get together. I know she's vocalizing this to everyone in the family, which makes me even more uncomfortable. My BF, Tom, says she'll get better in time but I'm amazed by her lack of maturity in this matter.

She's 35 for goodness sakes! I'm 31. He's 34.

I tried talking with her in November after the wedding fiasco and all seemed ok. I invited her to a meeting with me and I cleared the air. Since then, we saw eachother and all was ok. Nothing was estranged, if you will. Then, all of a sudden in January when my work let me go, she turned and did a complete 180 and now acts like a total bitch to me.

I have prayed. I have talked to my sponsor and my therapist about this. I know I can't let other people's feelings affect my own, but it does. I am working so hard and I know my BF cares what his sister thinks, which is hindering our healing process.

I just don't understand how someone can be so cold to someone who is trying and succeeding so far. I've never done anything to directly hurt her and I've never cheated or anything - but yes, I've lied about drinking during my binges.

I guess I'm having a major problem with accepting the fact that someone doesn't like me! I do not know what to do - as like I said, I'm trying to ignore it, give it time, praying, etc... but I'm dreaming about her and just so angry and am holding major resentments about her. I'm working on step 4 now, which is good, but was just wondering if anyone has any advice for me.

My BF loves to go to his families' house and I now hate going because this sistuation makes it soo awkward for me and that's the last thing I need right now.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Just looking for some help.
Thanks!!

paul99

It sounds like you've done a lot of attempts at taking care of this - meeting with her, talking to her privately, discussing this with your sponsor, your therapist...I don't see much more that you can do regarding this. What you're correct in is that you can't control other people's thoughts, acts, and behaviors. None of us can. The only thing you can do is control your reactions, and the reaction in this case is one of dismay, because she doesn't "like" you.

I have idea nor any concern why she acts the way she is - sounds like there have been issues surrounding you and your boyfriend, and she may act from a place of protections or whatnot. Again, it's her thing, not yours. I too was very much concerned with what others thought of me, and rearranged my life to please others. And still, some people didn't like me. So what to do? Either I stay true to myself and not have people like me, or act disingenuous to my own nature, resent it, get sick over it, and still not have people like me. I choose the former.

Stop trying to figure her out. Focus on your self, your recovery. You're working on your inventory - perfect timing! Put her down, find out what it affects, where your part is, what can be learned from it. Putting down on paper may clarify things for you.

Good luck

bbthumper

I think the best thing you could possibly do for yourself is continue to work the steps.

Xune

I don't think it's possible to go through life and not be disliked by people.

If it's any consolation, my sister in law despises me and I give zero damns.

You can`t control what other people think or feel, so just focus on yourself and how you interact with the world.

773niki

But how do you act around them!? Like nothing is wrong? Do you smile and talk to them anyway, even if they are blatantly ignoring you and you now they don't like you??

I know I have a problem with people not liking me and I know I'll have to work to get over this, but I don't know how to deal in the meantime...

DaveyT

Before I even began drinking I learned a very simple lesson, not everyone in life will like you. You can spend ages trying to win them aroudn but sometimes it just won't work. It can be down to a conflict of personalities, it could be some issues they have, but in the end it's not worth stressing over. If everyone dislikes you then it's time to take a serious look at yourself, but if it's only one or two people then it just doesn't matter.

Continue to stay sober, concentrate on your relationship and being the best partner you can be, work, study, whatever it is you do and keep an open heart so one day maybe she will turn around and realise you are not that bad afterall. But don't expect her to do that, sometimes people can't let go of a grudge. It's immature, it's stupid, it causes nothing but trouble but you can't change someone elses mind.

If your self worth is based upon what other people think then you will never be happy. Try and let it go and don't bother your boyfriend about it because he's likely to feel a bit in the middle and that's unfair for him. Tell him it doesn't bother you anymore, you love him and that is all that matters.

Keep it up, long term sobriety is an inspiration to many of us here

Gal220

I do my best to be the person I want to be, and I try to give people a chance to change if they want to. I have a similar situation with my husband's niece. She's a miserable person and hates us for some reason. She wouldn't accept my husband's amends, but he made them anyway. He did his part. When we see her, we say hello. She usually ignores us. But we do what's right anyway. Maybe some day she'll say hello back, but I'm not holding my breathe. Honestly, being ignored is much better than fighting, so I'm grateful she'd rather ignore us that pick arguments!