DisplacedGRITS

hey guys...i'm freaking stuck. i'm relapsing and i'm trying to get past it. i see my psych tomorrow and i'll come clean to him. he's new to me. i'm going to ask to get back on Campral. it helped me get off this wild ride in the past. i'm not drinking totally crazy right now but i'm drinking and hiding. i haven't touched my alcohol of choice, vodka, but i'm drinking wine daily. i'm going to meetings and they help and inspire me but it wears off. i know i should go to more. i should go to more. i'll go to more. i can't today because i'm not safe to drive right now. my husband knows that i'm stuck in a cycle. he told me this morning that the main thing right now is that i keep getting up after i fall and that's the truth. i'm not laying down. i'm not giving up. i'm just frustrated and, of course, that's a trigger. i'll make sure that i make a meeting as well as go to my psych tomorrow. and Wednesday i'll get to two meetings. i need to hit this hard and stop making excuses. i feel so stuck right now but it's not because alcohol has it's claws in me that deep. it's because it doesn't. it's because i'm not that deep down the rabbit hole. i'm just in there. even having a toe in there is enough to put me in turmoil. if i was drinking to the point that i was stuck in bed all day and blacking out in the middle of the day, it would almost be easier to see the madness and drop out of this game. but i'm not waking up with a major hangover or really losing myself in the middle of the day. but i'm buzzed right now and that's bad and i gotta quit this before i REALLY get bad. i don't need to fall all the way down. it's hard to stop before i get all the way to the bottom. i keep thinking "well, you're already on this path, so why don't you just give all the way up before you try coming back?" but i honestly don't want that. i gotta stop. i'm actually looking forward to tomorrow. i'm afraid that i'm selfmedicating a manic phase right now and i'll tell him about that tomorrow as well. it's hard to get back to honesty but if i'm not honest, how can i get well, right? RIGHT?

choublak

You know you can get a ride to the meetings...

Natom

You can go to as many meetings as you like but they won't work unless you start working the program. I'm not going to start preaching to you because I'm not like that. You don't need to hit a rock bottom 500ft below the earths surface to change Grits. You're manic now. You know this. That's enough for you to change. Just summon up the strength and do it. Go to a meeting. And just surrender right there in the meeting. Shout if you want. As loud as you can. Just do it. I'm not normally one for tough love Grits but you could die if you keep doing what you're doing. You may not have the consequences now but how about tomorrow...and the day after that? How about Friday? Next month? You don't need to keep destroying yourself before you can change. I really hope you get there Grits.

Natom x

773niki

Hi there,
This post sounds like me 86 days ago, but I've been sober since October 28 and you can do it too. I felt sooooo hopeless. My drink was vodka as well. I was isolating and hiding my drinking from everyone around me. I never ever believed in meetings...but I made a committment to do 90 meetings in 90 days and today I'm on day 86 and I'm clean, sober and honestly, freaking happy, which is unbelieveable because I never, ever thought I would be saying that without a drink in my hand.

I got a therapist - and it sounds like you do too, which is a good thing. I got put on anti-depressants and a sleep aid. I also tried Campral and it did not work for me but NALTREXONE definitely has been working. It's amazing. That, with the meetings everyday and I finally got a sponsor and I'm working the steps - it really is a huge difference from almost 3 months ago. You can do it if you want to do it and set a small goal!

Make a goal for yourself - even if you don't want to - try 90 in 90. I hated meetings and now i love them. They are like medicine. I like me alot more now because I'm not lying to anyone - especially I'm not lying to myself, which I am incredibly good at.

Trust yourself. Set a goal. Be honest in therapy and try to ask him/her about naltrexone. Huge difference for me. Good luck!!

Dee74

I'm glad you're seeing your Dr DG.

I'm no Dr, but just as a friend, I think there maybe a self medication thing going on here too.

do you have numbers to call from folks at the meetings?
D

hypochondriac

You're always so aware DG, maybe spend more time here when you can't make meetings and see if you can find something to make you click. Maybe even the AVRT crash course might help, something different. The main thing is just to put it down, no matter how difficult that seems. A bad day made you pick up, don't let it turn into a bad month or a bad year. Have you been honest with people in AA what's going on with you? Reach out for support. Massive hugs x

Wifi

I'll just say this because I am struggling getting this point across to my addicted son... You do not have to go the the depths of hell (like some of us have had to) to hit your bottom...

You can hit bottom just as soon as you stop digging... Now put the plug in the jug and get busy... You know what to do...

Delilah1

Hi DG,

I am glad you have appointments this week, and that your husband seems to be supporting you. If the meetings help, I agree that giving someone a call to take you might be a good idea. I am glad you are on here today, lots of people willing to listen and offer support.

DisplacedGRITS

i'm picking up a phone list at the next meeting that has one. i'm comfortable being a wallflower but i won't do that any longer. today's meeting wasn't a good one for me to make a connection. honestly, i should have taken a phone list from yesterday's meeting. it was at the same place that i went to for rehab. i felt a lot more comfortable there. i'm staying at home tonight and getting dinner done and turning in early so i can get up for my appointment with my therapist. i really wouldn't get anything out of a meeting tonight. i just want tonight to be done with. i want to get a nice dinner done, get the kitchen cleaned up and turn in early so i can have a fresh start tomorrow.

LexieCat

I'm betting that if you've been going to meetings in the past, you have at least a FEW numbers. Start calling and see if someone can take you to a meeting.

When we are in this kind of state, that's when we most need to humble ourselves, pick up the phone, and ASK for help.

You said it would be "easier" if things were worse right now. Who says it has to be easy? You know what to do. And you know what could happen if you don't.

mecanix

Sounds like a good plan . Be bold in getting help and telling people whats going on , keeping my drinking secret certainly never did me any favours .

Bestwishes, M

2granddaughters

Hello Grits:

Your answer(s) will be found with your sponsor and the oldtimers. Stay close to them. Let them carry you until you can walk beside them.
Let me know if I can help you with anything.

All the best.

Bob R

jobei

Hey DG! My prayers go out to you tonight... can't give any advice that hasn't already been given. You know what your life is like with alcohol in it... and also your life without alcohol in it. Which life do you prefer? I remind myself of this everytime I think about alcohol. Things are far from perfect but we have a much better chance without being drunk. Take care my friend...

hypochondriac

A fresh start is good too. Let us know how you get on DG xxx

lilgolden73

DG, you can overcome this, I am sending virtual good thoughts your way!

DisplacedGRITS

the only numbers i have are from people over an hour away and like i said, i'm letting tonight go so i can be at my best tomorrow and really get rolling. take it as an excuse but i'm getting it done. i'm not going to hide from my husband. like he told me this morning, if i fall down, i better make sure i get the f*ck back up. i want to make sure i get to my appointment tomorrow. that's my focus. i CANNOT miss that appointment! going to a meeting won't make me any less drunk. it will only take away time from me. why do you think i'm here. i'm here to keep my mind in the game. i'm here because this is something i can do while i'm taking care of what i need to take care of to make tomorrow happen.

Natom

If you ever want just a chilled recovery chat i could talk to you on skype.

Tom.

escapist

I hope everything goes well with your Dr. I don't understand what your husband means. No matter your sobriety is for you Grits.

PeacefulRain

(((hugs)))

Anna

DG, I think you have your priorities just right. Talking to your therapist tomorrow and being clear-headed while doing it, could be a fresh start for you. You know what is the right thing for you to do, so just follow your heart and focus on staying healthy.