angelgirl

Hi there, I used to hand out here alot!! Mostly behind the scene. Back when I was clean the last time. I was clean for 3 months the last time, had my tooth pulled, and used that for my new excuse.
But this board was so wonderful for me. I would come here every night and not speak, just read. It helped me greatly. I just didn't help myself enough.
I will be seeing the doctor soon, and i will be beginning my journey back into recovery. I am sooo afraid. I am sitting here, just so scared I actually feel sick. I guess I will tell you that my DOC is pain meds, al kinds. I have not been clean for 1 day for the last 3 months. Makes me sick.
But I am so nervous and afraid right now to go through another detox. I will be helped by a doctor, but not hospitalized, so I am looking at some really tough weeks coming up.
I really just need to hear some encouragment right now, no negative stuff, I am already very afraid. I know what it all entails, unfortunately. I just want to hear that my body can make it one more time. Because right now, I can't hear anything else. i really need you to tell me you've been there, and I will make it again. Please. I have been through about 4 detoxes in the last year-- haven't goten it right yet, but this time will be different for me, I have made some big changes in my life, to help, now I just need to get through the detox. then I will begin to work on other things and my life again. I know some of you will understand, you have been a great inspiration to me in the past. Thanks so much for letting me mummble on. I am just afraid. Becky

eddie z.

(((Becky))),
It's so great that you're getting medical help to do this!! By working closely and being honest with your doctor, you can make your detox far less uncomfortable. The thing about opiate detox is that, while you may feel like dying, is it far less risky than withdrawal from sedatives and alcohol.

Do you know how you're going to detox? Clonidine? Buprenorphine? There a lots of options to get you through this. I detoxed myself over and over again with over-the-counter and some prescription meds, but I can't say I recommend it. So, again, good for you getting help!

Love, Eddie

ted

WELCOME BACK,BEEN WHERE YOUR AT SO MANY TIMES ALSO.DETOXING IS NOT FUN BUT IT MUST BE DONE TO GET CLEAN.GOOD YOU'LL HAVE A DR.S HELP.YOU CAN DO THIS!I'LL PRAY FOR YOU GODSPEED. STAY STRONG YOU CAN DO THIS. ted :thumb

True Blue

Hello Becky,

I have had the same feeling you are having right now. Don't be afraid Becky. The rewards of being clean are soooo worth the detox. My prayers are with you Becky.

Justme57

Hi Becky ! Please don't be afraid , we will all be here for you ! Good on you for getting the proper help.
I have never been in your position, re meds, but I feel the fear in your post , and want to offer my support and prayers .

Keep posting as you need to

HUGX
Lee

angelgirl

Thanks so much. I really needed to hear those things from you. It helps so much. I will not go baack to NA. We had a very small group, and it did not help me, I know you may say that maybe I didn't let it. Maybe that's true- right now, I just don' know much. I do know there is a church down the road that has some type of recovery meetings. I may try that, and like I said before, although I only messaged about 2 other times before, this board was such an excellent insipration for me. I used to just sit and flip from one board to the other, just waiting for someone to say something
So although you aren't familiar with me, I am with alot of you, and I love you all for the help you didn't know you were giving me
I am taking pain meds- no good reason-- just to take them-- and clonazepam. I know that is a sedative, and mixing isn't a good idea, and I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow, and tell her what I have been doing. I am very afraid of that also. But I know the saying, you can't save your face and your butt at the same time. I will just be very grateful for her help. I just pray she will help me again. The treatment center here told me not to come back. I was so bad, I got thrown out last year, because I used at treatment!!! I am as sorry for that as I could possibly be, and I wish they would let me go back to detox, I would feel so much better at the hospital. I did myself in!! Can't go back and change that though. I will definately around after a while, I will be very sick for a number of days, then I will be back, I may even be back during detox. I am sure I will need some goood soothing words at that time. It is so painful. I become this person--- totally filled with extreme anxiety during detox. I am always sure I am going to die.
Please pray for me, I am so happy to have come back here. Thanks so much to all of you wonderful people. Love-- Becky

True Blue

Becky, I am sending prayers your way. Stay storng you can do this. If you did not like NA, go to the church recovery thing. Having people around that really really understand is so helpful. You know my family is very supportive but they don't understand like another addict or alcholic. Keep us posted we are all here for you Becky.

Oh Becky by the way my DOC was pain meds also. Little Devils just jumped on my back and I just let him ride until he knocked me to the ground. But with the help of God today I am a miracle and so are you Becky.

godsonmyside

Becky, I wish the best for you. I did the detox on my couch a couple of years ago, it is very hard. Is there another detox anywhere close that you can try to get to. Withdraws are very rough, not to scare you, but doing it alone is very scary in the first place. Im glad that you have the boards to relly on, I wish you the best and from my experience detox is something to be affraid of. If nobody has told you today, I love You, and I feel for you, And just remember, minutes creates hours, hours creates days, days into weeks and so on. hope you can find someone to be there with you so you dont have to do it alone. Good luck and stay posted>>>>>>>>>>>>

In memory of miracle

Hi becky! My name is Trish and I am an addict.I was also addicted to pain meds of all kind. I remember the sickness all too well.I made it back and I am alittle over 5 months clean.Amazing since I could not go 5 minutes without usin.I had one thing goin for me this time around I was as willing as the dying can be and grabbed hold of a recovery program.I was beaten into a place where I knew I could not recover on my own, no matter how much I wanted to it did not work for me.My heart goes out to you,I feel you big time..God bless you Becky..I am sendin prayers for you.Trish.

Anna

Becky,

Welcome back and I'm glad you are seeking treatment. Addiction is such an awful disease, it sneaks up on us and grabs hold of our lives before we know it. I understand that you're afraid, but I know you can do this. And, the answer may be making other changes in your life, as you said. It's not enough to stop drinking/drugging - major lifestyle changes are required as well. Keep posting!

Love, Anna

Chy

Welcome back. I know how afraid you are, yes it will take some work but it can be done. You can do this, and we'll be here to help.

2stop

((((((((((angelgirl)))))))))) I have been right where you are for so many years. 20 years of pain meds, any kind of pill that would make the pain go away. I would go into withdrawals at least twice a month. I always ran out..I never stopped because I needed to or wanted to...oh no..I was convinced beyond adoubt that my physical deterioration and declining mental status was some strange ominous disease....not those pills. They were my friend! Until I was able to admit those pills were ENEMY #1 I got worse and worse and worse. In bed for days and weeks on end, sores on my body, hallucinations..I too thought I have gone too far..I don't have another detox in me...I am dead..but I have 2 children and a husband that just wouldn't give up//though he almost did many times. Finally I found this site...in May of last year. I have been clean off and on since then, and I thought I could neevr ever go aday, let alone 60 days, 30 days, 3 months....I use many different things to work my recovery..the first three steps of NA I find to be invaluable. I do not attend meetings or consider myself a 12 stepper..although for so many it is a program that has rescued them from hell and is a godsend for thousands. It may be what works for you...that's up to you..but the number one thing is to realize, fully comprehend that those pills are taking you down...not up. That you CAN overcome this, one day, one moment at atime. Read all the stories you can about those who have made it. The stories in the back of the NA book are excellent. Love them. keep posting on here...Talk to your doctor. I was foolish and did it without medical help....would not do it again....I couldn't take time off though for rehab with two kids, hubby gone all week, no family to help with the kids. But I am here to tell you..you CAN make it through the detox, tell yourself each day..I am DOING the right thing...it just doesn't FEEL it yet. Do you pray, believe in a HP? It is something I could not make it without. If you don't, don't worry, just believe in the possibility of one. Please keeep posting. We are all here for you......it can get so much better. I have never felt as fre as I do now..and I still have plenty of problems and chronic pain..but my mind! my mind is gettijng better! can't focus too well...but I am not searching to house for pills, not worrying that when I swalloed my pills they dissolved into the water in the glass and taking another one..just in case... I am not counting and recounting the pills in my bottle....shaking because there is only 2 days left with 30 pills in the bottle. Trust us who have found some relief from this...it can and does get better. but first you have to believe you can and you have to not use, one moment, one day at atime. It all adds up. Reach outfor help..it's out there..and there's plenty here. I would not be here if not for SR. I too thought I did not have the strength to make it even one more second...but we do you know..and together we can be free, and happy. Just hang in there, okay? PM me anytime.

(((Warm, Supportive Hugs)))

angelgirl

Hi everyone!!! Thanks so much for such wonderful support!! It's funny, even when I just hand out reading here, not posting, I feel so much support!!! I am so happy to have stumbled upon this site long ago. I know I will make it through, and I know this board will be a big part of it for me. Tammie- you sound so much like me. I began using, after a hysterectomy. Before that I hated pain meds. they made me sick!! Today they still make me sick in a different way. I am looking forward to getting out of bed, and standing up, and not having to run for the botle of meds. because I am in such agony, needing another! I am looking forward to the day when I can sit with my husband at night, and not feel severe nervousness and paranoia. My marriage is not to good, but it never has been, and the other day, my husband and I sat down in a very rare moment and had a discussion on our marriage, and what's wrong, and he told me that for the last couple years, I have become sooo different due to this pain pill evil, he told me I am always in my own little world. I knew that, but when you hear someone else tell you, it sounds so strange!! I didn't think he realized just how much of my own world I lived in, or cared. It was a good thing for him to finally say to me. He is so sick of this mess. As bad as our marriage is, I know it is just so much worse due to the pills.
Anyway, I am going off. I just wanted to say THANKS so much, for being so wonderful!! I am happy there are people out there yet that will help me, and WANT to help me. I have burned to many bridges. Gosh, I wouldn't want to deal with me!! I wish the hospital would take me, but I can do this, I have done this in the hospital, but I have done this oh so many times on my couch. I can take the pain, it might be terrible, but the pain will not kill me! What scares me more is the mental issues that go with detox!! But I will get through!! I do VERY much believe in god, I will have the bible on my side through this. It gives me much hope. I will be praying continuously, for our gracious god, who has let me live this long through this, to help me one last time!! Although I will not attend NA meetings, I do believe in the steps. I will work them with god. I do have a drug counselor, I will see her also. Well thanks again, and I love you all!! Becky

angelgirl

I just wanted to ask one more thing. I am looking to hear that there are others out there who tried and failed miserably over and over again, and finally made it for a long period of time. I am searching for hope, when I have not given sobriety a chance really in years. Thanks, Becky

eddie z.

Becky,
I just wanted to day don't feel so bad about getting kicked out of the treatment center. I got kicked out once myself for using. It's the sort of thing we do alot apparently. Perhaps it means we were not ready to get clean. I know I wasn't. I took six more years to bring me down far enough to finally get serious. You seem pretty serious. You can do this!! Like I said, be as honest as possible with the doctor. That will enable him to help you the best. Have you looked into Suboxone? I've heard great things about it on here! Wishing for the best for you and you're in my prayers.
Love, Eddie

wishIsedNO

Becky dont be afraid...I know you can do it..I know exactly how scary it is to think about going through it...Im a recovered heroin addict...and in the end i totally thought i coulldnt go through another detox...But i did...I also survived endocarditis...which is an heart infection you get from shooting up...It was a bad month in the hospital...But im here...So like they say if i can do it, i know you can..
Just keep positive thoughts in your head..Picture yourself clean...Think of what you wanna do once you are..Get stuff on what you can busy yourself with while and after the detox..I know once i started feeling a bit better after detoxing...Although still achey..if i busy my mind i would forget the pain and the anxiousness to use..
I want you to know that we are here for you....dont feel alone,,,and dont focus on whats coming just think of the here and now...if you have to go by hours or minutes do so....Do whatever makes you feel good..I wish you the best..And i know in a month i will be reading your post..and seeing how much better your doing...Pm me if you need anyone to talk to and kill time...Im praying for you..Jackie

lin127

my prayers and best wishes are with you
angel girl.
Love Lin

In memory of miracle

Angel girl, I am one of those who tried over and over again.I was also addicted to pain meds.I relapsed after 6 yrs of recovery and had a brand new 10 yr using carrer..I kept tryin although alot of times I felt like givin up! I am back in the process of recovery a little over 5 months now.I feel great most days! I am also commmitted to my recovery now and do the work it requires for me to stay clean.I found I could not recover on my own no matter how much I wanted to.I hope you find what works for you! Prayers to you Becky! Keep the faith!

2stop

((((((((((((angelgirl)))))))))))) Thinking of you today....here's our hand...take it, we will walk with you.
*Warm, Supportive hugs*

Justme57

Hi Angel girl

How are you doing today ?

I just dropped by to say Hi and let you know you are in my thoughts

HUGX
Lee