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Old 12-19-2012, 07:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Going back to the home I left behind


When I decided to get clean I applied to a law school 12 hours away from my home town where I was constantly surrounded by the people, places, and things that reminded me of using. I left it all behind to start fresh. Now it is the holidays, and I came home to be with my family and I can't help but feel out of place.

I had a long 12 hours of driving to prep myself for the resurfacing of old feelings. I go to a store and I remember the hundreds of times I went there high and I can't help but feel a "remember the good/fun times" feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love being clean, but it is a lot easier to do when you are 12 hours away and never walk into a store where you once used.

To make matters harder, my childhood best friend who was my biggest drug buddy lives across the street from my moms house. I cut all ties with her when I left because I knew she wouldn't support my sobriety and she would be the kind of friend that would send drugs in the mail or come for a long weekend with heroin in tow. Luckily, when I left, I left on bad terms with her so it isn't like she is calling me to come over, but I can't help but get the urge to call her. I keep telling myself, maybe she is clean, maybe we could go back to the friendship we had before (we were friends since we were 2 years old) but I know deep down I know better. I won't text or call her, I can't. I know if we "talked it out" it would only be a day or two before harmless hanging out would turn into her saying "hey I got a bundle, come over lets celebrate you being in law school" or something along those lines.

Luckily, I have a very supportive family and some sober friends I left behind to catch up with. I have been spending my days with my mom, brother, and sister. I love being home but I hate the feelings it brings back. It is a lot easier to stay sober when you leave your past behind you 12 hours away.

I won't cave, and I know I won't use. Sobreity means to much to me then to gamble with my life and talk to those I left behind for a reason. I just needed to vent. I needed to vent to those who can relate. My mom and sister would just say "just stay away from everyone" but that advice doesn't help when we all go to the mall and all I can think about is when going to the mall meant shooting up in the car, walking around high, going to the bathroom to shoot up again, so on and so on.

Hope everyone is having a good day. I'm going to go out with my sister and get my nails done and do some shopping. It's times like this that I'm so grateful that my sister is only 2 years younger than me and we have always been close. It would be a lot harder if I couldn't talk about my feelings or cravings with her while we were out.

thanks for listening!

Maylie
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Old 12-19-2012, 07:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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It's great that you're sharing about these feelings. It sounds to me like you have a lot of things to be grateful for. May be focusing on those things will help.
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Old 12-19-2012, 08:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I have been trying to do just that. I know I am lucky to have the support I have, and I remind myself that if I went back to my old ways that I could lose everyone for good this time.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I think that a good attitude to have maylie - and don't forget there's always support here, if you need it

D
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:49 PM   #5 (permalink)
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It's only natural to have lots of memories and triggers seeing as it's the first time you've been back. Once you have done this, it will be easier next time. And now you can make new memories. Don't let those thoughts drag you back and keep moving forward x
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Old 12-19-2012, 04:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi maylie. I'm glad you are acknowledging these emotions and sharing them here. I agree that it will get easier as you make it over these hurdles. There are many 'firsts' to deal with, and it sounds like you're doing a great job of facing them. Keep posting and sharing here - we all understand.
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone. It's so weird having a quiet night in. When I was using I was always on the go. I always was running out the door or on the phone. Now 8pm comes along and I'm on the couch and I'm snuggled in a blanket asking my mom "hey anything good on tv".

Most of the time I am grateful for the quietness. In my more weaker moments I miss the chaos and running around. I find myself missing the anticipation waiting for the call that someone has and the rush when you first get it. Then I remember that I would rather be safe and inside then risking death, overdose, or jail. I def. don't miss waking up in the morning sick or having to lie about where I am or what I'm doing.

Luckily my old journal is still in my room so I can read about how much actually hated using and how hard it was to feel like I had the flu everyday for years.

Hope everyone is having a nice, quiet, uneventful night
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