Maylie

When I decided to get clean I applied to a law school 12 hours away from my home town where I was constantly surrounded by the people, places, and things that reminded me of using. I left it all behind to start fresh. Now it is the holidays, and I came home to be with my family and I can't help but feel out of place.

I had a long 12 hours of driving to prep myself for the resurfacing of old feelings. I go to a store and I remember the hundreds of times I went there high and I can't help but feel a "remember the good/fun times" feeling. Don't get me wrong, I love being clean, but it is a lot easier to do when you are 12 hours away and never walk into a store where you once used.

To make matters harder, my childhood best friend who was my biggest drug buddy lives across the street from my moms house. I cut all ties with her when I left because I knew she wouldn't support my sobriety and she would be the kind of friend that would send drugs in the mail or come for a long weekend with heroin in tow. Luckily, when I left, I left on bad terms with her so it isn't like she is calling me to come over, but I can't help but get the urge to call her. I keep telling myself, maybe she is clean, maybe we could go back to the friendship we had before (we were friends since we were 2 years old) but I know deep down I know better. I won't text or call her, I can't. I know if we "talked it out" it would only be a day or two before harmless hanging out would turn into her saying "hey I got a bundle, come over lets celebrate you being in law school" or something along those lines.

Luckily, I have a very supportive family and some sober friends I left behind to catch up with. I have been spending my days with my mom, brother, and sister. I love being home but I hate the feelings it brings back. It is a lot easier to stay sober when you leave your past behind you 12 hours away.

I won't cave, and I know I won't use. Sobreity means to much to me then to gamble with my life and talk to those I left behind for a reason. I just needed to vent. I needed to vent to those who can relate. My mom and sister would just say "just stay away from everyone" but that advice doesn't help when we all go to the mall and all I can think about is when going to the mall meant shooting up in the car, walking around high, going to the bathroom to shoot up again, so on and so on.

Hope everyone is having a good day. I'm going to go out with my sister and get my nails done and do some shopping. It's times like this that I'm so grateful that my sister is only 2 years younger than me and we have always been close. It would be a lot harder if I couldn't talk about my feelings or cravings with her while we were out.

thanks for listening!

Maylie