newhope01

So, I relapsed...

My brother who also suffers from alcoholism came by Saturday night and brought with him a 12 pack of beer that he decided to drink while watching tv before driving to pick up his girlfriend from a poker tournament. I didn't partake because I had a birthday party to attend at a bar and I needed to drive. I however, did not drink at the bar either and had an awesome time.

In fact, I felt so good not drinking at the bar that I decided that I was going to drink when I got home with my friend. I realize how illogical that is.

But, I didn't stop there... I went on a 3 day binge and had the most embarrassing experience last night.

First I finished off the last three beers my brother left here when he came by to drink and watch tv. Then, I DROVE to the liquor store and bought a small bottle of vodka, finished that and then finally realizing I was too drunk to drive asked my father to take me to the store to get "snacks."

When I get up to the counter with all my snacks, soda, and a bottle of wine, the clerk asked me, "how many drinks before this one?" I just wanted to kill myself.

Here I am again, terrfied. I DON"T WANT TO DRINK ANYMORE!!! I dont... I just can't stop crying. Or drinking. Im really, really scared this is only going to get worse and I never will be able to stop. I tried to console myself saying that I was going to remain sober but I say that all the time and drink again. I am absolutely terrified that one day I will be 55 with cirrhosis of the liver and all alone because no one can take my **** anymore. I can't stop. Im so scared. I feel so hopeless; Im such a damn loser.

Hevyn

Losers don't keep fighting their addiction. You are not going to let this overtake your life. We believe in you. Glad you came here to talk it out - we care.

Thepatman

Don't be so hard on yourself. It will not serve any purpose. Get back on your feet and keep going forward. You can do this!

doggonecarl

Time to hang a single over your door that reads, No Alcohol Allowed. If your friends and family are going to sabotage your sobriety, it's time to reconsider your relationship with these people. And before you say you don't want to ruin your relationships, your drinking may do it for you if your sobriety doesn't.

Your choice.

FreeFall

You're not a loser. You have an addiction and you have to learn ways to manage and control it. You had a great start by being able to go to the party and have a good time sober-you're on the right track. Just start again and learn from this slip. I don't think it's really any of that clerk's business how many drinks you had, that was pretty rude. Hang in there!

newhope01

Reading that just broke my heart and now I cant stop balling my eyes out. Kindness from others always humbles me but when its directed toward me I just can't take it. I feel so isolated and empty.

escapist

When I first found SR I had just had a weekend of drinking. I drank 2 huge bottles of Crown over the course of 2 days. I felt sick, hungover, poisoned actually, and like a loser waiting to die.
It has been 8 weeks sober now. I don't feel like that anymore. I really now how you feel and I also know how it feels to be free.
You are not hopeless. You are not a loser.

SilentEyes

I feel the same way....have been on a bender for awhile got blackout drunk the other night stiil have no clue what i said or did except that i backed in to a friends vehicle and drove home.I share your frustration i feel so hopeless and scared too and so worthless and it's all my doing. why i cause myself so much pain (alcohol!!) It makes me wish i didnt exist and yet i still call it friend Good luck to you

duane1

How long had you been sober and possibly a little history might help. I looked over a few of your old posts and you seemed to cave another time when someone brought alcohol over. Are you really that committed to NEVER having another drink? It seems like you aren't, which means your addiction is still in control of you. It seems like the line in the sand has not been drawn. If you aren't ready to tell everyone in your life that alcohol is not a part of your life than you will continue to struggle. That doesn't mean you have to tell them you are an alcoholic. You just need to tell them that drinking isn't an option. I struggled with that myself until I realized I had no other way out. It may be time for you to look at your struggles and make a lifetime committment to sobriety. You wouldn't believe how empowering it feels once you admit that you are powerless over alcohol and can't ever have a drink again. It is almost like a sense of relief. Fearful also, but very empowering.

newhope01

I don't really have any relationships to be concerned about. My brother doesn't really care about me and my dad knew what I was going to the store for. He just doesn't say anything because hes a meth user and a codependent. My "friend" is just someone to get drunk with. When I relapse I come back to these people and these situations.

I want to believe that if I am able to maintain my sobriety maybe I will find people who genuinely care about me. But, so far I haven't of course I can't maintain sobriety for very long either. I need to figure out what the reasons are that cause me to drink. I think they go beyond depression and loneliness, especially since I most triggered when I feel good.

doggonecarl

Alcoholics don't need reasons. We drink. That's what we do. Stop treating it like something you have control of, and treat it like something you have no control of.

Surrender. And in that surrender, find strength.

newhope01

I became an alcoholic when I got involved in an abusive relationship. I loved him deeply and he loved to hit me. It was one of the most painful things I have ever endured and since he was an addict and loved the booze, I followed suit and would drink with him. It progressively got worse and now I drink alone and dont suffer hangovers. Its easy to just keep drinking. But, I dont want too. I keep telling myself how happy and proud of myself I will be if I could maintain my sobriety. Like, one day I will be able to look in the mirror and say, "wow, its been a year." I want that feeling so bad. I just lose motivation.

I have never been sober for more than 6 days at a time. In fact, I was so excited I made it to six days that I decided it was time for a beer. I don't want to do this anymore but Im so ashamed about it I can't tell anyone. Also, it wouldn't help to tell anyone either because my addicted family would say its a matter of will power and I just need to just stop drinking and then leave the alcohol on the table. But, I am starting to tell people that I have a drinking problem though. I was telling that to all the drunk people at the bar.

I also think you may be right about my lack of commitment. I think I just get so depressed and down on myself that I give up and do whatever the hell I want. And besides this site, I never take any other steps to ensure my sobriety.

newhope01

I don't understand this or I don't know how to do that. I know it sounds stupid but can you explain what you mean by surrender? I think this is my roadblock to recovery.

sobrietygrl4

I need help with this, doggone... I don't have any cotnrol over my drinking. Like I don't have any control over how yesterday already happened and tomorrow will come. But if I have no control over tomorrow, and it's going to come, then if I have no control over drinking, won't I drink? Just because I surrender to that knowledge of having no control, I don't understand how I gain back my power to be ME. I feel so lost.

Delilah1

Sorry about your night, do you live with your dad? If so, do you have any friends or family you can stay with while you work on your sobriety? You have lots of people pulling for you on here.

duane1

Just from what you are saying, I can tell that your alcoholic voice is still talking loud and clear to you. Rewarding yourself with a drink for not drinking... Getting down on yourself for drinking, so you go out and drink some more. Only alcoholics think like this when it comes to alcohol. Identify that this is your alcoholic voice. This is the part of you that will stop at nothing to get you to drink again. You might really benefit from AVRT. I haven't exactly followed it to the letter, but I used it especially early to identify my alcoholic voice. See it for what it was and deal with it head on. Once I could identify it and see how it was manipulating my mind, it became much easier to lessen the control it had over me. Read up on it if you get a chance. It was instrumental in my early success.

stepping

Surrender to the fact that you and alcohol will NEVER work and that you can NEVER drink again....
Once you remove alcohol from the equation (by NEVER drinking again) things get easier

FamilyMan2153

Wow so many things here. Newhope, first of all realize you are no different then 1,000's that have came before you. Your story is similar to many. I was where you are 5 months ago. Yelling at myself in the mirror, so frustrated all I could do was cry. I got sober by not fighting with myself. You are in a battle with yourself that you alone cannot win. When doggone says surrender he means you have to accept that you are an alcoholic and you just cannot drink. It is a fact of life (your life) so why fight with it. Can you stop the sun from rising? No! Can you help that you are an alcoholic? No! Now you need a new plan. The Newhope plan is not working. What can you do that will help you? I could go on but don't want to make this so long. Good luck and let us know how we can help.

doggonecarl

It's that. You surrender when you quit fighting alcohol. Not just the drinking, but fighting the changes you need to make in your life to maintain sobriety. And by change I mean a complete death to your old life.

I'd say get your butts into an AA meeting and ask someone, "What's the first step?"

And listen.

But you'd probably fight that too. You'd fight being powerless.

Surrender to me isn't weakness. Nor is powerlessness. The mighty oak will break in the face of a strong wind. The reed bends and never breaks.

Authoress

I'm new to this forum, but I want to share something none of the other posters have mentioned. Sometimes you can't do it alone. I tried two times, including horrific detox's that could have ended in death, but went right back to the bottle. It took rehab, two weeks away from my home/habits, to get my thinking straightened out. And even now, I attend AA as well as group therapy and a counselor to keep my thoughts from getting back in that vicious circle of bad thinking.

Is there any chance of rehab for you?

If not, like the earlier poster mentioned, head to an AA meeting. You will find supportive help there, perhaps a sponsor, and have face-to-face time with others like you. I find support from an online group is helpful, but it's not like f2f, which proved necessary for me. But that was/is my path. We're all different in some ways, yet alike in our powerlessness over liquor.