Peer Pressure, and Spirituality
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Peer Pressure, and Spirituality
I watched the movie "28 Days" last night. (again) While I've never done anything quite that bad, I can certainly relate to the fact that I have, definitely, and even recently, acted in a really inappropriate way, and said stupid things that I regret and which have lasting effects, while under the influence. I don't want to feel shame, but, I do, until I can work them out I guess. I bet we all do.
One of the dangers for me is that I work with a lot of people who drink a lot, including literally all of my "supervisors". It's a big social activity. When I first started working here, three years ago, I never imbibed at these occasions, but waited until I got home to drink a bottle of wine alone later. As I got more comfortable with my coworkers, I started drinking with them. At first it was fine, I was careful. Then there were the times I let go, and it was fun. Then, it got to be too much, and as I gained more respect at work, I started shooting off at the mouth after hours... now I fear that people are put off by me- and inside, I'm screaming, because, honestly, that crap really isn't me. And let's be clear- I'M put off by me. And that really matters. Right?
I can do this. I can say "Nah, I'm not drinking tonight." Or "Nah, I'm off the sauce". Right? I have complete confidence that this (giving it up) will help my work. The booze in my brain is saying "You have to drink with your coworkers, it's what you do, it helps build relationships, it helps people to bond, it's where the deals get done!" ...I can hear how stupid that is. I really do think much more of myself and my abilities than that. I'm a really smart woman and very committed to my job and doing well at it, and right now, I know in a very... whole way, that such thoughts are cheap shots at the person I really am inside.
I should share that years ago, I had a drug problem- it was relatively closeted, but pretty bad. I'm a very secretive person when I'm in a self destructive space. I quit- cold turkey- an abuse/use of cocaine. It was a horrible first month, marked by unbelievable depression and lethargy, unwelcome weight gain, and epic irritability. But I absolutely had to. I'm luckier than most in that I didn't have a bottom that was so bad in a worldly sense that it was hell to climb out- I hadn't lost everything (in the world) i.e.- no trouble with the law, etc. Basically I showed up late to a deal and found the cops there, arresting my dealer. I don't know if she was set up or followed or what, and I never found out, but I'm very thankful to have had that scare. She didn't even know my full name or what kind of car I drove, so I just kept on driving, and that was that. The day I quit. It was almost nine years ago now. I changed my life, in a really spiritual way, and it led me to all of the amazing places I've been. Alcohol wasn't a problem then- relatively speaking I could take it or leave it, although there was more taking than leaving after a couple of years.
I do believe that there's a place for moderation. I don't think that place exists after you've tipped the scales for too long (that timeframe is different for everyone) in the direction of abuse. It's time for me to rewire my brain and focus on that spiritual truth, that god as I know it to be is really the essence of all of the substance that makes me who I am.
I want to have spiritually minded conversations with other people who can relate to this.... but I had such a horrible experience with AA. Also I do not identify with JudeoChristian religious beliefs, and find evangelism to be a little like peer pressure in a bar. My sense is that this is going to be more of an evolution than anything else... has anyone here ever seen the film "The Secret" or "What the Bleep Do We Know"?
I believe that my higher power is embedded in me, it's magic, and beautiful. I am beautiful, and pickling myself is poisoning god as I know it to be. This is a new-er place for me to be, similar to the space I inhabited when I kicked coke. It's the results of some long and hard conversations with one incredible friend in particular, who dragged out of me that I really DO believe in and know god, just not in the way that most people describe it, and that that is fine. The direction I've been taking, even the way I attempted to "be sober" last year, doesn't make sense when I think about how in denial I was about the existence of that higher (and inner) power. When I thought about the time in my life that I lived that truth, I felt hopeless, that feeling so good can't happen when you have more grown up responsibilities, which I have now. Booze talking again there.
Thanks for reading. I hope that someone relates, or maybe wants to respond. I was feeling really antsy this morning, and I did break down and smoke. Sigh. One thing at a time. I know that the profoundly mood altering substance is probably the thing to focus on first. Thoughts?
One of the dangers for me is that I work with a lot of people who drink a lot, including literally all of my "supervisors". It's a big social activity. When I first started working here, three years ago, I never imbibed at these occasions, but waited until I got home to drink a bottle of wine alone later. As I got more comfortable with my coworkers, I started drinking with them. At first it was fine, I was careful. Then there were the times I let go, and it was fun. Then, it got to be too much, and as I gained more respect at work, I started shooting off at the mouth after hours... now I fear that people are put off by me- and inside, I'm screaming, because, honestly, that crap really isn't me. And let's be clear- I'M put off by me. And that really matters. Right?
I can do this. I can say "Nah, I'm not drinking tonight." Or "Nah, I'm off the sauce". Right? I have complete confidence that this (giving it up) will help my work. The booze in my brain is saying "You have to drink with your coworkers, it's what you do, it helps build relationships, it helps people to bond, it's where the deals get done!" ...I can hear how stupid that is. I really do think much more of myself and my abilities than that. I'm a really smart woman and very committed to my job and doing well at it, and right now, I know in a very... whole way, that such thoughts are cheap shots at the person I really am inside.
I should share that years ago, I had a drug problem- it was relatively closeted, but pretty bad. I'm a very secretive person when I'm in a self destructive space. I quit- cold turkey- an abuse/use of cocaine. It was a horrible first month, marked by unbelievable depression and lethargy, unwelcome weight gain, and epic irritability. But I absolutely had to. I'm luckier than most in that I didn't have a bottom that was so bad in a worldly sense that it was hell to climb out- I hadn't lost everything (in the world) i.e.- no trouble with the law, etc. Basically I showed up late to a deal and found the cops there, arresting my dealer. I don't know if she was set up or followed or what, and I never found out, but I'm very thankful to have had that scare. She didn't even know my full name or what kind of car I drove, so I just kept on driving, and that was that. The day I quit. It was almost nine years ago now. I changed my life, in a really spiritual way, and it led me to all of the amazing places I've been. Alcohol wasn't a problem then- relatively speaking I could take it or leave it, although there was more taking than leaving after a couple of years.
I do believe that there's a place for moderation. I don't think that place exists after you've tipped the scales for too long (that timeframe is different for everyone) in the direction of abuse. It's time for me to rewire my brain and focus on that spiritual truth, that god as I know it to be is really the essence of all of the substance that makes me who I am.
I want to have spiritually minded conversations with other people who can relate to this.... but I had such a horrible experience with AA. Also I do not identify with JudeoChristian religious beliefs, and find evangelism to be a little like peer pressure in a bar. My sense is that this is going to be more of an evolution than anything else... has anyone here ever seen the film "The Secret" or "What the Bleep Do We Know"?
I believe that my higher power is embedded in me, it's magic, and beautiful. I am beautiful, and pickling myself is poisoning god as I know it to be. This is a new-er place for me to be, similar to the space I inhabited when I kicked coke. It's the results of some long and hard conversations with one incredible friend in particular, who dragged out of me that I really DO believe in and know god, just not in the way that most people describe it, and that that is fine. The direction I've been taking, even the way I attempted to "be sober" last year, doesn't make sense when I think about how in denial I was about the existence of that higher (and inner) power. When I thought about the time in my life that I lived that truth, I felt hopeless, that feeling so good can't happen when you have more grown up responsibilities, which I have now. Booze talking again there.
Thanks for reading. I hope that someone relates, or maybe wants to respond. I was feeling really antsy this morning, and I did break down and smoke. Sigh. One thing at a time. I know that the profoundly mood altering substance is probably the thing to focus on first. Thoughts?
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