I'm an alcoholic but I still got drunk.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
Well after looking it was more like a bottle and a half. I barely remember opening it.
No I never tried to do any of the steps. I just can't get a handle on this at all. Even with reading so much about the damage I'm probably doing to myself, I still go back.
I know I have to work at it. I don't mean to sound so foolish. I'm just afraid of not having these feelings in a few days and slipping back. Why does that happen? Why can't I remember feeling like crap when I want a drink?
No I never tried to do any of the steps. I just can't get a handle on this at all. Even with reading so much about the damage I'm probably doing to myself, I still go back.
I know I have to work at it. I don't mean to sound so foolish. I'm just afraid of not having these feelings in a few days and slipping back. Why does that happen? Why can't I remember feeling like crap when I want a drink?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
Originally Posted by Fandy 
it's bad when the kids notice, it's bad when your friends notice, it's awful when people you work with notice.....
and when I couldn't stand to face myself, it was the day I stopped. I was and still am not perfect...(i'm sober since April or early May 2011). but all the times i started to drink again, it was short-lived (as i hope yours is now), because I NEVER wanted to fall back down into that terrible pit i was in. You are human, you are learning, i think it's great that you have come back and are asking/admitting you need to connect with others and want to change your life.
no one fits perfectly into any space or group, but the common bond is the same...we all want a real life and to take an active stand in our sobriety. Drinking is like sitting in a hole, everyone runs you over and you can't get out.
and when I couldn't stand to face myself, it was the day I stopped. I was and still am not perfect...(i'm sober since April or early May 2011). but all the times i started to drink again, it was short-lived (as i hope yours is now), because I NEVER wanted to fall back down into that terrible pit i was in. You are human, you are learning, i think it's great that you have come back and are asking/admitting you need to connect with others and want to change your life.
no one fits perfectly into any space or group, but the common bond is the same...we all want a real life and to take an active stand in our sobriety. Drinking is like sitting in a hole, everyone runs you over and you can't get out.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Hey Mammy,
I don't know how to control my drinking. If there is a bottle of wine around, I usually finish it. Red wine is my drink of choice, too. I love the way it tastes, love the way I feel.
This forum has helped me stop drinking more than anything has. I have been sober for 11 straight days now. I decided I don't want to drink at all anymore.
I have tried AA meetings. The first three I went to, I hated. Then I went to one last night that was full of educated, intelligent people. I liked it much better. I still don't love it, but it is easily accessible, and the big book is somewhat helpful.
Seriously, though, this forum has been even more of a help to me. I am glad you are here.
I don't know how to control my drinking. If there is a bottle of wine around, I usually finish it. Red wine is my drink of choice, too. I love the way it tastes, love the way I feel.
This forum has helped me stop drinking more than anything has. I have been sober for 11 straight days now. I decided I don't want to drink at all anymore.
I have tried AA meetings. The first three I went to, I hated. Then I went to one last night that was full of educated, intelligent people. I liked it much better. I still don't love it, but it is easily accessible, and the big book is somewhat helpful.
Seriously, though, this forum has been even more of a help to me. I am glad you are here.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,601
I think you know that there is no easy answer as to how to stop drinking. I firmly believe that it's the motivation you have behind you, rather than a particular program or method. I hope that you shift your thinking from feeling helpless to taking control. You are the only one who can change yourself.
I also think it is important to understand and know why you began drinking on Sunday night. It's only by understanding yourself and your motives that you can learn to make changes in your life. I was a closet drinker as well, and I totally understand the abundance of shame that goes along with hiding the drinking from people.
I also think it is important to understand and know why you began drinking on Sunday night. It's only by understanding yourself and your motives that you can learn to make changes in your life. I was a closet drinker as well, and I totally understand the abundance of shame that goes along with hiding the drinking from people.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
Thank you junebugapril. My longest stretch of being sober for 90 days (well besides when i was pregnant for 9 months) happened winter of this year and I posted a lot on here too. I didn't go to any meetings than and again looking back I was very happy, I had great mornings and evenings with my children.
But here I am again, day 1 again.
But here I am again, day 1 again.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
Yes Anna, I have so much shame. So much.
I really don't know I was decorating on Sunday and I just said I should have a drink while I make dinner. And it continued... I didn't make any attempts to talk myself out if it.
I really don't know I was decorating on Sunday and I just said I should have a drink while I make dinner. And it continued... I didn't make any attempts to talk myself out if it.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I openly "belittle" alcohol....
I refuse to let a liquid beverage control me and ruin my life, career and relationships.
I had to put it in this type of perspective so drinking wine would sound ridicules.
I refuse to let a liquid beverage control me and ruin my life, career and relationships.
I had to put it in this type of perspective so drinking wine would sound ridicules.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cleveland, OH
Posts: 1,191
Originally Posted by Mammyof3boys
I know I have to work at it. I don't mean to sound so foolish. I'm just afraid of not having these feelings in a few days and slipping back. Why does that happen? Why can't I remember feeling like crap when I want a drink?
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by bbthumper
From the Big Book...
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
Thanks for the quote, I have no doubts that I am an alcoholic. My mother left my biological father because he was one. I guess this apple did not fall far from the tree.
I want a much better life for my kids. I remember my father passed out in the bathroom. I was 4 when she left him, but I can remember that.
Saw him again when I was 9, and that's it. I'm in my 30s now, he could be dead I have no idea. No contact in over 6 years (through letter writing.) he's in the UK.
I don't want that life for my kids.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Hi Mammy - you can also read it online
Big Book On Line (Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.)
Big Book On Line (Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
You obviously gave yourself permission to drink. It's that simple.
Have you looked into rational recovery?
Relapse is not a necessary part of recovery.
You can say - I will not drink again and I will never change my mind.
Have you looked into rational recovery?
Relapse is not a necessary part of recovery.
You can say - I will not drink again and I will never change my mind.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Originally Posted by tomsteve
I just don't know why I did it.
you did it because you are an alcoholic with untreated alcoholism.
do you honestly think a gym memebrship will get and keep you sober?
i am guessin you mean AA meetings? well, no, they didnt do much. goin to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism
no matter what method of recovery you chose, there will be footwork, yer gonna have to make a decision to put in that footwork.
you did it because you are an alcoholic with untreated alcoholism.
do you honestly think a gym memebrship will get and keep you sober?
i am guessin you mean AA meetings? well, no, they didnt do much. goin to meetings and not drinking dont treat alcoholism
no matter what method of recovery you chose, there will be footwork, yer gonna have to make a decision to put in that footwork.
I too wanted all the benefits and good things to happen without having to put any work in. They call it spiritual fitness. It actually requires hard work and effort. I guess an analogy would be physical fitness. Can't just sit on the couch all day long and expect to get a chiseled ad toned body.
But hey, I'm still constantly figuring this whole thing out. Like physical fitness, spiritual fitness needs to be maintained daily.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 186
I've read about rational recovery. The beast. Does it work for you?
Yes I guess I did give myself permission. And i can see i will have to work on it every day. It's not just "don't drink" did it ever work for anyone that way?
Spiritual fitness, i like that. I am looking for help here, and I do agree that it will only work if I truly want it. I really do, I can't be this person anymore, I'm wasting my life in a wine bottle. (Or 2). I'm sick of this person and this person is me.
Yes I guess I did give myself permission. And i can see i will have to work on it every day. It's not just "don't drink" did it ever work for anyone that way?
Spiritual fitness, i like that. I am looking for help here, and I do agree that it will only work if I truly want it. I really do, I can't be this person anymore, I'm wasting my life in a wine bottle. (Or 2). I'm sick of this person and this person is me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,602
Hi Mammy
sorry you're struggling...but don't lose hope. I struggled for 15 years before I found what it would take for me to achieve escape velocity.
I really encourage you to look around to find out what could make that happen for you.
The main thing really is - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
In my experience, inaction just leads to more drinking.
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including AA but a lot of others besides:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
You *can* do this
D
sorry you're struggling...but don't lose hope. I struggled for 15 years before I found what it would take for me to achieve escape velocity.
I really encourage you to look around to find out what could make that happen for you.
The main thing really is - whatever you decide to do - is do something.
In my experience, inaction just leads to more drinking.
There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around - here's some links to some of the main players, including AA but a lot of others besides:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.
You *can* do this
D
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