Should have never answered the phone...
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Should have never answered the phone...
I was in a great all day yesterday mood, then I talked to a ghost...
Goddamn psychiatrist didn't help last time either, she wants me to be sober for 30 freaking days, I haven't been sober past ten days for two months or so. I am struggling right now, especially Thursday being my drink days, and then the ghost of my brother called me. Haven't spoken to him for a while, and I remember why I don't answer the phone. The man was more important male figure in my life, and now, now its not the same...
He was a druggy turned pastor, and because of me he became the way he is now, just a ghost of his former self. Since that freaking day, I should have never gotten beer for him, nor weed; i didn't know he would love it that much. I lost my wise friend, and it was my fault. I blame myself for all the **** he has gone through, and if you guys could just see what I am talking about... you would see it was easy to prevent. Just a stupid provoke, and only to prove him wrong I did it. I might still have him, but nope, now he is not the same and he will never be the same.
Goddamn psychiatrist didn't help last time either, she wants me to be sober for 30 freaking days, I haven't been sober past ten days for two months or so. I am struggling right now, especially Thursday being my drink days, and then the ghost of my brother called me. Haven't spoken to him for a while, and I remember why I don't answer the phone. The man was more important male figure in my life, and now, now its not the same...
He was a druggy turned pastor, and because of me he became the way he is now, just a ghost of his former self. Since that freaking day, I should have never gotten beer for him, nor weed; i didn't know he would love it that much. I lost my wise friend, and it was my fault. I blame myself for all the **** he has gone through, and if you guys could just see what I am talking about... you would see it was easy to prevent. Just a stupid provoke, and only to prove him wrong I did it. I might still have him, but nope, now he is not the same and he will never be the same.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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Its a given I want a freaking drink!!! BAD!!! God damn doc should have just put me on meds or something. I want to drink, but I am going to go make lemonade and tea.*******
Last edited by Dee74; 11-16-2012 at 01:52 AM.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by MesoFreak 
Goddamn psychiatrist didn't help last time either, she wants me to be sober for 30 freaking days,
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think maybe you're giving yourself too much power here...all of us have choices to make...we all pick our path....and saying no is as valid a choice as saying yes.
Beating yourself up won't change one second of whatever happened in the past.
Drinking won't either Meso.
I hope you'll go for the 30 days.
D
Beating yourself up won't change one second of whatever happened in the past.
Drinking won't either Meso.
I hope you'll go for the 30 days.
D
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Meso.... WTF.... Cut the sh!t.
Can anyone blame themselves for your behavior. Does anyone you ever knew make you drink or do other sh!t?
No.
So why are you so wonderful that you can be responsible for all your brother does.
It's just your excuse to feel bad even more about yourself.
Stop.
Strong men have emotions. In my book the strongest. Look what it takes to deal with them and say anyone of us is weak for doing it. I can't.
The are no silver bullets in life, meso. None. We get out what we put in. Like a good workout. No pain no gain.
Maybe you are just gaining a lot right now, heh?
Can anyone blame themselves for your behavior. Does anyone you ever knew make you drink or do other sh!t?
No.
So why are you so wonderful that you can be responsible for all your brother does.
It's just your excuse to feel bad even more about yourself.
Stop.
Strong men have emotions. In my book the strongest. Look what it takes to deal with them and say anyone of us is weak for doing it. I can't.
The are no silver bullets in life, meso. None. We get out what we put in. Like a good workout. No pain no gain.
Maybe you are just gaining a lot right now, heh?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
I am very all around confused by wtf happened....and how are YOU to blame at all?? If there's one thing pastors should know about it is the choice and power of free will that God gave to man from the beginning.
I do apologize for not understanding...still early here in the Midwest.
I do apologize for not understanding...still early here in the Midwest.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 227
Originally Posted by MesoFreak
I am starting to feel angry, I feel like going out and picking a fight with someone! Someone with a face like mine, I used to be a tougher man, now im a ***** showing all these emotions and ****
I know that it is much harder for me to share feelings and emotions, which are there whether I express them or not, so it would take more personal strength to express them which tends to make me agree with him.
Another idea I am trying to make sure I incorporate is that we only have control over our own actions. I control no one else but me.
Good luck to you and keep posting and reading, it has really helped me.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Hi Messo, I understand how you're feeling. When I started drinking my wife started drinking shortly after.
I managed to get myself sober but she continued to spiral until she died of liver failure in 2007. For years I couldn't live with the guilt that I was somehow responsible for her death in that I believed she started because I started.
I've since learned that it was her decision and she was responsible for her own actions not me. It was however a long hard road to accept this.
Listen to me and the others when they tell you that you had no hand in this. I believe it would have happened with or without you.
As Dee implied none of us are this powerfull.
I managed to get myself sober but she continued to spiral until she died of liver failure in 2007. For years I couldn't live with the guilt that I was somehow responsible for her death in that I believed she started because I started.
I've since learned that it was her decision and she was responsible for her own actions not me. It was however a long hard road to accept this.
Listen to me and the others when they tell you that you had no hand in this. I believe it would have happened with or without you.
As Dee implied none of us are this powerfull.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
I am not saying that I made him chose everything thereafter the first time, I am saying it was because of ME the first time happened, and he chose not to end. I blame myself for the START!!! THE START SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED!
We were going to go fishing like we always do. We were packing up the stuff in the truck, he was telling me his stories one of which about him and pot. Moments later a guy smoking a pipe walks by, and he provokes me playingly as he normally does: "I bet you won't try to get some weed from him." I really wasn't going to go, but I felt like proven him wrong for once. So I laughed and said: "I bet you I will, and chase after him." Twenty minutes later I walk back with a good quantity of weed, and said see :P
Driving to the place I said, we should get some beers while were add it. We always talked about wanting to have met each other at different phases in our life so we could drink together, but it didn't happen because he was a pastor. I guess he figured since we were going to smoke, we might as well also get beers. So we grabbed a Fosters and Heineken large can. We had a good time that night. Later in the night however he felt bad and convinced me that I had to through the pot away, and we promised to not do it again.... Well, he never stopped. I later found out he would go to a dealer and by pot. You must imagine the emotions of guilt going through his head, lying to me (his best friend), to his congregation, to his wife and daughter. After that night things turned gray for him... what he did after that night is not my fault, you are all correct about that. WHAT IS MY FAULT IS THAT NIGHT. THAT NIGHT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED. Out of a mere dare, just to show him I have more balls than he thought I did I got the weed. I regret that day more often than not. You all can say 10,000 words, but the reality is, the day he started was because of me. I feel partially responsible for everything after.
We were going to go fishing like we always do. We were packing up the stuff in the truck, he was telling me his stories one of which about him and pot. Moments later a guy smoking a pipe walks by, and he provokes me playingly as he normally does: "I bet you won't try to get some weed from him." I really wasn't going to go, but I felt like proven him wrong for once. So I laughed and said: "I bet you I will, and chase after him." Twenty minutes later I walk back with a good quantity of weed, and said see :P
Driving to the place I said, we should get some beers while were add it. We always talked about wanting to have met each other at different phases in our life so we could drink together, but it didn't happen because he was a pastor. I guess he figured since we were going to smoke, we might as well also get beers. So we grabbed a Fosters and Heineken large can. We had a good time that night. Later in the night however he felt bad and convinced me that I had to through the pot away, and we promised to not do it again.... Well, he never stopped. I later found out he would go to a dealer and by pot. You must imagine the emotions of guilt going through his head, lying to me (his best friend), to his congregation, to his wife and daughter. After that night things turned gray for him... what he did after that night is not my fault, you are all correct about that. WHAT IS MY FAULT IS THAT NIGHT. THAT NIGHT SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED. Out of a mere dare, just to show him I have more balls than he thought I did I got the weed. I regret that day more often than not. You all can say 10,000 words, but the reality is, the day he started was because of me. I feel partially responsible for everything after.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
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I have no magic powers, I physically gave it to him. I put it their, I planted the seeds with my stories of drinking, and having a good time. I am sure I made him miss it. When I gave him the opportunity to try it once more he took it, and he never stopped.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
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Mmm, let's try this. Ok you feel responsable that's a done deal, what's done is done.
Now why not try to influence him back by showing him the exemple? Work on yourself and get better, maybe you will become his lighthouse????
Now why not try to influence him back by showing him the exemple? Work on yourself and get better, maybe you will become his lighthouse????
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by zanzibar
Hi Messo, I understand how you're feeling. When I started drinking my wife started drinking shortly after.
I managed to get myself sober but she continued to spiral until she died of liver failure in 2007. For years I couldn't live with the guilt that I was somehow responsible for her death in that I believed she started because I started.
I've since learned that it was her decision and she was responsible for her own actions not me. It was however a long hard road to accept this.
Listen to me and the others when they tell you that you had no hand in this. I believe it would have happened with or without you.
As Dee implied none of us are this powerfull.
I managed to get myself sober but she continued to spiral until she died of liver failure in 2007. For years I couldn't live with the guilt that I was somehow responsible for her death in that I believed she started because I started.
I've since learned that it was her decision and she was responsible for her own actions not me. It was however a long hard road to accept this.
Listen to me and the others when they tell you that you had no hand in this. I believe it would have happened with or without you.
As Dee implied none of us are this powerfull.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by Thepatman
Mmm, let's try this. Ok you feel responsable that's a done deal, what's done is done.
Now why not try to influence him back by showing him the exemple? Work on yourself and get better, maybe you will become his lighthouse????
Now why not try to influence him back by showing him the exemple? Work on yourself and get better, maybe you will become his lighthouse????
I am working on myself, last night was one of the first times I have cried sober in a long time. It was rough on me. I am doing my hardest to make it to 30 days like the psychiatrist said, then I hope she gives me something for all this to become easier, and I could focus on being a better me in other aspects of life without alcohol.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
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Good stuff, one battle front at a time and man your post.
I can guarantee you that if you keep going it will get better. But you have to be patient, can't save someone else if your drowning yourself
We beleive in you
I can guarantee you that if you keep going it will get better. But you have to be patient, can't save someone else if your drowning yourself
We beleive in you
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
I am not saying that I made him chose everything thereafter the first time, I am saying it was because of ME the first time happened, and he chose not to end. I blame myself for the START!!! THE START SHOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED!
And thanks, I am finding peace, but only after finally accepting that it wasn't my fault. As you must also.
Put it this way, if you teach someone to drive and years later they have a bad crash. Is it your fault? Of course not, if you hadn't taught them someone else would have.
Just as someone else would have given it to your brother.
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