5 weeks and scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
Good evening and thanks for your input 
Haha, you talk about the mind fog and clumsiness! It's dreadful for me at the moment! I'm sure it's worse than when I was drunk. Simply because I was so conscious to act straight and got to be such a proficient actress and liar, I could carry off being absolutely roasted quite easily.
Today I put the cereal in the fridge by mistake and the milk nearly went in the cupboard. I had to chuckle to myself or I'd start fretting about losing my marbles again!!!
This week I started driving on my own again....managed the school drop-off and pick up. Thankfully my daughter's father and I are still on good terms, he's very supportive (having tried everything to help me over the years) and he'll pick her up and take her to his should I have 'the fear.' I still don't feel quite 'right'...vague and not quite here. Am nibbling on cheese to keep me going.
Next is facing reality and supressed emotions. I've hurt a lot of wonderful people through deceit, worry etc. Although, I was great fun at parties allegedly
GetMeOut.....I also transfer my obsessions.....at the moment it's books. I ordered about 20 in the last couple of weeks on addictions, physical and mental health....I like to learn, question. Maybe now I'll finally get to finish my degree!!
I'm having to be strict with what I ingest....whenever I've over-indulged in the past, I've thrown down the guantlet and adopted the attitude of 'if I'm going to screw up, I may as well do it properly, 100%' ..... that results in a tailspin and I can't afford to do that. Same with the gym. I need to learn about moderation....although I guess that will never be an option with regards to alcohol. Can't stand the taste of the stuff but will happily neck 2 or 3 bottles of wine an evening....it will never be a sociable drink or a nice glass over dinner. It IS my dinner. And breakfast and lunch. Or rather, it WAS!
I look forward to the day when I don't think about it. I've spent so many years thinking about it...making sure I have enough, where to hide it, making sure I don't obviously smell of it, acting straight, driving straight....all on a knife edge. I'm used to performing in a high anxiety state. I have to learn that peace is good. No crazy melodrama is good. I am an extremist....I'm currently uncomfortable being so calm.....I guess I have to get used to being mellow.
Blimey......I've gone off at a tangent, I'm waffling!! Sorry.......time to wake up if I've put you to sleep. Believe me, I haven't even started yet....
I'll leave the excitement for another time, haha 
Hope you're all having a tip top Tuesday...wherever and whoever you are xx
Haha, you talk about the mind fog and clumsiness! It's dreadful for me at the moment! I'm sure it's worse than when I was drunk. Simply because I was so conscious to act straight and got to be such a proficient actress and liar, I could carry off being absolutely roasted quite easily.
Today I put the cereal in the fridge by mistake and the milk nearly went in the cupboard. I had to chuckle to myself or I'd start fretting about losing my marbles again!!!
This week I started driving on my own again....managed the school drop-off and pick up. Thankfully my daughter's father and I are still on good terms, he's very supportive (having tried everything to help me over the years) and he'll pick her up and take her to his should I have 'the fear.' I still don't feel quite 'right'...vague and not quite here. Am nibbling on cheese to keep me going.
Next is facing reality and supressed emotions. I've hurt a lot of wonderful people through deceit, worry etc. Although, I was great fun at parties allegedly
GetMeOut.....I also transfer my obsessions.....at the moment it's books. I ordered about 20 in the last couple of weeks on addictions, physical and mental health....I like to learn, question. Maybe now I'll finally get to finish my degree!!
I'm having to be strict with what I ingest....whenever I've over-indulged in the past, I've thrown down the guantlet and adopted the attitude of 'if I'm going to screw up, I may as well do it properly, 100%' ..... that results in a tailspin and I can't afford to do that. Same with the gym. I need to learn about moderation....although I guess that will never be an option with regards to alcohol. Can't stand the taste of the stuff but will happily neck 2 or 3 bottles of wine an evening....it will never be a sociable drink or a nice glass over dinner. It IS my dinner. And breakfast and lunch. Or rather, it WAS!
I look forward to the day when I don't think about it. I've spent so many years thinking about it...making sure I have enough, where to hide it, making sure I don't obviously smell of it, acting straight, driving straight....all on a knife edge. I'm used to performing in a high anxiety state. I have to learn that peace is good. No crazy melodrama is good. I am an extremist....I'm currently uncomfortable being so calm.....I guess I have to get used to being mellow.
Blimey......I've gone off at a tangent, I'm waffling!! Sorry.......time to wake up if I've put you to sleep. Believe me, I haven't even started yet....
I'll leave the excitement for another time, haha Hope you're all having a tip top Tuesday...wherever and whoever you are xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
Thank you, Anna. Well, I'm here for the long haul and am prepared to ride the storm. If this is Karma, I sure did something really bad in a past life!!!!!!
Thank you all so much for your support, it keeps me going as I can't always admit things so freely in the 'real world' xx
Thank you all so much for your support, it keeps me going as I can't always admit things so freely in the 'real world' xx
Been there, done that!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
Hi kiitkat, iam in London also.. Iam 10 days sober and have anxiety at the moment but I know it will pass as I have been through withdrawels and early sobriety a few times iam sure things will settle down for you also. Try to avoid too much caffeine inc chocolate as caffeine makes us produce Adrenelin which raises anxiety, just keep,eating earthy maybe try 5 small meals a day to keep your blood sugar regulated.. Hang in there I hope you feel better soon... Lion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
Thanks Lion....I think I should cut down on caffeine too. I only drink tea as coffee makes my heart bang and I don't like that (although I used to bosh so much coke up my nose and that never bothered me. Daft huh...makes no sense to me either!??!?!?)
And yes, smaller meals are probably better for me. I'm just trying to listen to my body clock and the moment.....and predictably, it's all over the place!! So, time for me to control it as I still feel weak. Oh my, how did it come to this???
Do you know what made me sad at the weekend.....and very self-indulgent of me. I was watching 'The Sound of Music' with my daughter (who is 7). And it made me think back to when I was little and I loved that film. When my life was full of hope and promise. An exciting path lay ahead and I screwed it all up. I started my degree, was modelling, travelling and I cocked it up!! Aaaaaargh!!!
In a week, it's the first anniversary of my brother's death. That's probably also why I feel shaky. I feel sick at the thought of it. I'm sure I'll be living on this site on that day!!!
It's 11pm with me and I have an early start. So I bid you all goodnight.....don't do anything I wouldn't (and I do bugger all at the moment so go and enjoy )
Take it easy xxx
And yes, smaller meals are probably better for me. I'm just trying to listen to my body clock and the moment.....and predictably, it's all over the place!! So, time for me to control it as I still feel weak. Oh my, how did it come to this???
Do you know what made me sad at the weekend.....and very self-indulgent of me. I was watching 'The Sound of Music' with my daughter (who is 7). And it made me think back to when I was little and I loved that film. When my life was full of hope and promise. An exciting path lay ahead and I screwed it all up. I started my degree, was modelling, travelling and I cocked it up!! Aaaaaargh!!!
In a week, it's the first anniversary of my brother's death. That's probably also why I feel shaky. I feel sick at the thought of it. I'm sure I'll be living on this site on that day!!!
It's 11pm with me and I have an early start. So I bid you all goodnight.....don't do anything I wouldn't (and I do bugger all at the moment so go and enjoy
)Take it easy xxx
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1,010
I'm so sorry to hear of your bereavement. I'm sure you'll find a mountain of support here to help you through. I'm off to bed too. Tomorrow is another day and one more to add to our runs!
Sleep tight
S x
Sleep tight
S x
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 15
Can I ask if the doctor put you on anti depressants? That happened to me before as a side affect of the medication. I got off right away and took only the anti anxiety medication and only when I absolutely needed it. I didn't need it for very long I was completely well again in a short time. I did however carry those little suckers with me for a year before I was brave enough to throw them away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
Can't sleep afterall *sigh*
timewilltell, I've been on all sorts. The last tablets were Citalopram, 40mg. Again, I went cold turkey (why do I keep doing that!?!?) and had serious head shocks. I primarily came off them because they made me emotionally flatline. I felt nothing. Which is the intention, I guess. Even writing this I feel daft. What I want and what I do are totally contradictive!! *sigh again* x
timewilltell, I've been on all sorts. The last tablets were Citalopram, 40mg. Again, I went cold turkey (why do I keep doing that!?!?) and had serious head shocks. I primarily came off them because they made me emotionally flatline. I felt nothing. Which is the intention, I guess. Even writing this I feel daft. What I want and what I do are totally contradictive!! *sigh again* x
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
KitKat, hope you finally got some rest. Lack of sleep doesn't help make things any clearer, that's for sure.
I know what you mean about the caffeine. That's something I have to be wary of, too. I'm already on blood pressure meds and too much caffeine kinda makes my heart ignore the meds altogether.
I know it's difficult, but try to let go of the regrets about your past. I beat myself up constantly over the "what if's." It can't be helped. Yesterday is gone for good and tomorrow is not a guarantee. All we have is right now. That sounds hopelessly trite and cliché but it is true.
Hold tight to your resolve. If you think you regret your past mistakes, think of how you'd feel if you let yourself down again now. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. That will definitely be a day to hang close by and talk things out. You will get through it.
I know what you mean about the caffeine. That's something I have to be wary of, too. I'm already on blood pressure meds and too much caffeine kinda makes my heart ignore the meds altogether.
I know it's difficult, but try to let go of the regrets about your past. I beat myself up constantly over the "what if's." It can't be helped. Yesterday is gone for good and tomorrow is not a guarantee. All we have is right now. That sounds hopelessly trite and cliché but it is true.
Hold tight to your resolve. If you think you regret your past mistakes, think of how you'd feel if you let yourself down again now. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. That will definitely be a day to hang close by and talk things out. You will get through it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 57
I know it serves absolutely no purpose being so reflective....what has happened has gone and there's nothing I can do to change it. What I can only do now is change my responses to stop the cycle repeating itself endlessly.
I think I need to feel proud of myself....do something whereby I feel a sense of achievement, a purpose. And I have NO idea what that is. Not yet. I want to get back to study, get a job, be in a place to have a relationship, move......and the list goes on. Basically everything I should have done before I derailed!! My emotional state kind of ground to a halt when I started drinking heavily at 15yrs old because of a 'situation'.
Anyway, I have to draw up a plan...a small achievement list. In the last year it was a celebration merely to get out of bed and breathe!!
Have you read 'the Power of Now'?? It's a good book x
I think I need to feel proud of myself....do something whereby I feel a sense of achievement, a purpose. And I have NO idea what that is. Not yet. I want to get back to study, get a job, be in a place to have a relationship, move......and the list goes on. Basically everything I should have done before I derailed!! My emotional state kind of ground to a halt when I started drinking heavily at 15yrs old because of a 'situation'.
Anyway, I have to draw up a plan...a small achievement list. In the last year it was a celebration merely to get out of bed and breathe!!
Have you read 'the Power of Now'?? It's a good book x
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