addie

hi. im a 23 year old female addicted to cocaine primarily but also E, mushrooms, and anything i can get my hands on. ive tried to stop and cant. i keep messing up. i have little support and i'm afraid i'm going to kill myself by accident. i need advice.

Alice Wonder

hi addie ! my name is alice and i am an addict and an alcoholic. you have definitely come to the right place. there are many kind loving souls around here who will listen, support, and comfort you. there is a lot of information available... just take a look around. ((((welcome))))

n2balance

hi addie,

welcome to the site. i'm new too and scared, but i'm also sick and tired of using. i found that reading the story of others on that one page kind of helped me relax. just keep fighting and don't give up. right on that you joined and shared. thats a huge step in itself. hang in there and keep reading and posting, just don't give up.

n2

addie

thanks for responding. i was clean for 12 days (my longest) until today. it doesnt even feel good anymore so i dont know why i keep doing it.

Alice Wonder

hang in there addie. 12 days is great. check out the postings on N/A and perhaps you can go to a meeting. i went to one tonite and it really helps. keep posting and reading it will help you. try not to beat yourself up too hard okay? hugs- alice

shes_on76

I am also afraid of my addiction/alcoholism but acknowleding the fear, to myself and talking about it with others in the program has helped me to take action against it. Congrats, for opening the door! By admitting to the powerlessness and unmanagability in your addiction and not living in denial is no small feat! Be proud that you love yourself enough to look for some solutions. The people here are full of good information, just hang in there. I just posted the other day (re: scared) and already feel like I have a group of friends that are rooting for me. I hope you can find support here and continue to post. Thanks for sharing your struggle with me.

Dan

addie, my name's Dan. I'm an addict. But that's not all I am. And it's not all you are. You're scared right now. You know in your gut that the drugs don't work anymore. You may need to go to a detox, a drug assessement counselor, a rehab facility, a hospital, a meeting. Either way, you have to make a phone call and get some help. Pronto. You said yourself you can't stop alone. Most if not all of us can't. You don't have to suffer anymore. First move addie. Make a call.
Dan

Chy

Hi addie and welcome to SR!

Please visit our Substance abuse and NA forums. It's hard letting go, but I promise it can be done and miracles happen around here all the time. Key being we all support and love each other with understanding and compassion. Glad your here!

rudeboy

hey Addie.... I completly relate to what your going through. I'm in recovery for alcohol/cocaine myself, and I know about it not feeling good anymore....
dont beat yourself up about slipping, its not an easy thing youre trying to do, but it does get easier with some time. My only advice to you would be that if you think you have a problem, seek professional help. Get detoxed, get safe, and get clean!!! I look forward to hearing more from you,
good luck,
evan
(I've been trying this for a few months now, and I'm still scared s**tless every day, but I'm not high!!! God its worth it!)

addie

Thank you all so much for responding. It helps being able to talk to people who understand. I have told my doctor, but so far he hasn't been of much help. My best friend said she will come with me to a meeting (she use to use cocaine with me but she's clean now). The hard part is I live with my mom, but i can't tell her b/c she will freak out and possibly kick me out, and since I spent all my money on drugs I dont know what I would do.

Last night was another where I fell asleep scared I wasn't going to wake up. This is getting to be too common. I even stayed with my friend, and i tried to call her for help in the middle of the night but I couldn't call loud enough to wake her up and I couldn't really move.

On the bright side, at least i have no more money to buy any more drugs. Lol.

Dan

addie,
Lack of money never stopped me from getting dope when I really wanted it. I'm glad you have a friend close to you though and that she is clean. Be mindful of where your mind might take you. You need support by the truckload right now. I know all about the Vancouver scene addie. Make a call. Good luck.
DD

Moontime

Addie,
Im Moontime and I'm an addict. I can relate to you, I had a cocaine addiction, on top of a Ecstacy (preferably powder to pill-form) and I distributed mushrooms to keep my other habits going. I woke up in that sweat of desperation and said to myself I have to stop or am I going to die or be in jail. Just for today I don't have the desire to use. The 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous has kept me clean today, and live life on it's terms for a daily repreive. I'm a proud member NA, and they told me I better adapt my life to NA when I got into the rooms. If you want we got, you will do what we did. 90 meetings in 90 days, something magical will happen. Get a sponsor, the second most important thing I did in NA, put down the drugs got a sponsor. Get phone numbers and use them. If you need a NA meeting in your area go to the site www.na.org click on regional links. Good Luck!! We want you, We need you, and We will love you until you can love yourself.

Chy

Hi addie,

I found comfort in the fact I wanted to do something but was afraid. I had those nights that I woud drink myself into a comma and be terrified if I'd wake up to. But your on the right path, your not alone and we'll help in whatever way we can.

Dan

How's today going addie?
DD

addie

Hi dan, thanks for asking.

Well, I had a 3 day binge, then slept for 24 hours, just woke up. Feeling crappy so first thing I did was come on here.

Feels good to have someone care enough to ask. This helps me a lot thank you so much.

addie

Dan

You're welcome addie. Anytime you need to talk, send a pm or an e-mail. But you gotta stop this run. Somehow addie, you have to get help. Have you looked up anything in Vancouver? The outreach there is phenomenal. You got to let them find you though. Links were posted above for you. And Moontime sums it up. You are loved here.
DD

amandaleepiscea

Hi Addie-
I am amandalee and I am an addict. When I say that I can say that with some gratitude today but it was not always that way. There was a time in my life that concepts like the 12 steps and saying things like the serenity prayer were actually repulsive ideas to me. I can't describe for you how exactly that changed or when, but it was definitely NOT overnight.

Narcotics Anonymous is a wonderful place and it is worldwide and you are welcomed unconditionally! They say that the ONLY requirement for membership is the DESIRE to stop using! This means that you can be a member whenever you SAY you want to be and that is ALL it takes. This also means that you can be high and still go to a meeting and hear a message. If you can't stop, we will help you if you let us. You have to take yourself there... preferably NOT high, but it is NOT a requirement... if you can get to a meeting and just can't do it clean yet, that is ok. Just COME!

There is a very big difference between admitting we are addicts and ACCEPTING it. I knew I was an addict long before I was ready to stop... I practically wore it as a badge... I alienated any people that I had in my life who wouldn't condone my using and I became totally isolated. I know how it feels to be that alone - you sound very alone. You don't have to be ever again.

The hope I have to share is that today I love being awake for life and able to participate in it. Even the pain. I learned that often I was using to bury feelings that were too painful (I thought) to have to actually feel: fear, shame, guilt, loneliness, embarrassment, anger... Only problem was that they never really went away - they just stayed there inside of me and built up over and over until I felt I might explode or combust or i-don't-know-what. Once I became willing to feel again, the bonus was that I got to feel happiness and even love too... I had never realized how much I was denying myself by allowing my addiction to be my lord and master.

Please keep on talking/writing... please get to a meeting. You don't HAVE to say a word. You can just listen. OR you can shout out whatever you need to to let people know where you are at. You can wait until they call for a "burning desire" (the time for anyone to speak who thinks they might use, hurt themselves, or hurt someone else) and then you can just say you are there because you can't stop and you need help. People in NA will reach out to you if you ask.

I hope you can stay clean for today... for this minute... and I hope I see you here when I check back!
lovelovelove, amandaleepiscea

Dan

Welcome amandalee!
DD

addie

Amandalee, wow. Thanks for such a supportive message. I have decided that I will go to a meeting, my friend even said she would go with me if I was too scared to go alone (she's been clean for over 2 months now).

I'm feeling pretty positive this time around. Yesterday was horrible, but I got thru that fine, and after going thru that I dont want to use again and have to go thru that again and again like I have been.

Luckily I don't feel totally alone, I have my friend who is being very helpful, and my kitty who is sleeping on top of the computer monitor as I type this!

amandaleepiscea

Thank you DD... On your rehab medallion does is also say on the other side, "I am powerless but not helpless" ???

I have one with that on it... given to me by another addict on a day that was hard... it give me a lot of hope.
amandalee