Re: new and scared
Hi Addie-
I am amandalee and I am an addict. When I say that I can say that with some gratitude today but it was not always that way. There was a time in my life that concepts like the 12 steps and saying things like the serenity prayer were actually repulsive ideas to me. I can't describe for you how exactly that changed or when, but it was definitely NOT overnight.
Narcotics Anonymous is a wonderful place and it is worldwide and you are welcomed unconditionally! They say that the ONLY requirement for membership is the DESIRE to stop using! This means that you can be a member whenever you SAY you want to be and that is ALL it takes. This also means that you can be high and still go to a meeting and hear a message. If you can't stop, we will help you if you let us. You have to take yourself there... preferably NOT high, but it is NOT a requirement... if you can get to a meeting and just can't do it clean yet, that is ok. Just COME!
There is a very big difference between admitting we are addicts and ACCEPTING it. I knew I was an addict long before I was ready to stop... I practically wore it as a badge... I alienated any people that I had in my life who wouldn't condone my using and I became totally isolated. I know how it feels to be that alone - you sound very alone. You don't have to be ever again.
The hope I have to share is that today I love being awake for life and able to participate in it. Even the pain. I learned that often I was using to bury feelings that were too painful (I thought) to have to actually feel: fear, shame, guilt, loneliness, embarrassment, anger... Only problem was that they never really went away - they just stayed there inside of me and built up over and over until I felt I might explode or combust or i-don't-know-what. Once I became willing to feel again, the bonus was that I got to feel happiness and even love too... I had never realized how much I was denying myself by allowing my addiction to be my lord and master.
Please keep on talking/writing... please get to a meeting. You don't HAVE to say a word. You can just listen. OR you can shout out whatever you need to to let people know where you are at. You can wait until they call for a "burning desire" (the time for anyone to speak who thinks they might use, hurt themselves, or hurt someone else) and then you can just say you are there because you can't stop and you need help. People in NA will reach out to you if you ask.
I hope you can stay clean for today... for this minute... and I hope I see you here when I check back!
lovelovelove, amandaleepiscea