hopeful123

I have a drinking problem.

I've known this on some level for years, but only really admitted it to myself (and my mom, and my doctor), a few months ago when I finally realized I had to change my relationship with alcohol in order to be happy and productive. Alcohol was ruining everything and I kept hitting new lows.

I quit drinking for about four months, and it felt great. I didn't really miss alcohol and I even went to pubs and parties sober, and genuinely enjoyed myself. After a while, I made the decision to start drinking again, thinking that my relationship with alcohol was different (i.e. normal or healthy) now.
Boy was I wrong... for a few weeks, I drank like a responsible adult and was proud of myself. But I kept having slip-ups, nights where I would have fun, but over-do it and then wake up with a hangover and a feeling of shame. But I always just told myself "next time, I'll be in control, it'll be fine".

Well a couple of nights ago, I went to a party where I didn't know too many people. I was tired, and in the mood to stay in with a book that night, but I went out anyway thinking I should meet new people. I did not decide before leaving the house how much I would drink/how late I would stay, etc.

Anyway, long story short, I had a great time until the very end of the night when I was so drunk I am pretty sure I spilled my drink on the hostess on purpose. To top it off, I then ended up drunk-dialing a nice guy who I was interested in. I'm sure was very fond of me too, but now most likely wants nothing to do with me. I apologized to both victims, the girl ignored me (I can't blame her) and the guy said no problem (but of course he's being polite).

I've had worse nights than this one and done more embarrassing things over the years. But I've been lying in bed for two days just sulking and feeling like such an idiot. I wish I could go back in time and remind myself not to have more than one drink, or better yet to stay home. I just can't get passed this feeling of shame for how stupid I acted, and regret for not making smart choices that night. I feel embarrassed, but mostly I feel angry with myself. I don't know how to forgive myself for doing this to myself (making myself appear foolish, sabotaging my social life, giving myself a terrible hangover, etc.)

I genuinely don't want this to happen ever again. I've tried to drink responsibly, but I have shown myself that I can't be trusted (at least not at this point in my life). I want to go back to being sober and in-control.
Has anyone else felt these feelings of shame and regret when going off the rails, and what did you do to get them out of your head?

least

Accepting myself, warts and all, is/was hard for me cause I'm always been hard on myself. But once I accepted who I was it became easier to just live in the moment - not to worry about tomorrow or regret yesterday, just live today since that's all we've got, really.

And with time and sobriety you will be able to forgive yourself for your wrongs. Hang in there.

YVRguy

Hi Hopeful

I have had these feelings many times and experienced that blind spot selective memory over decades that I would drink socially and not alcoholically. Problem is and was , I am an alcoholic. I don't know if you are , only you do.

I tried a lot of things to stay sober and it never worked out till I had a plan and a commitment to a program of recovery. There are more than a few and lots of information on SR about all the choices.

I personally found my place in AA and use SMART Recovery meetings and concepts too but that's me. There is no one program that fits everyone.

You do have the choice to never feel this way again and it may mean never picking up a drink ever again but only you can determine that. I know for myself I will never drink socially again and rarely did to be truthful and honest with myself. I actually like the sober me as I no longer wonder what I did . said or how I acted and I feel relieved of the obsession for drink and other things too.

SR is a great place with lots of insight to staying sober.

Welcome and stick around , its a good place.

Dee74

Hi hopeful - welcome aboard

The only real way I found to deal with those feelings is to leave them firmly where they belong....in the past.

I found the more sober days I racked up, and the more positive things I did with my life, the more I was able to put my past mistakes into perspective, and move ion from them.

I'm sure it will be the same with you too

D

MythOfSisyphus

I can't speak for everyone but most of us have tried stopping for a while and cutting down. But those who really have a problem with alcohol can never really put the toothpaste back in the tube. If I ever drink again I know I'll get wasted. That's what's happened every time I've tried moderation. It's said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Now I know better than to try moderation. Abstaining from booze is the only option I have that will let me survive. If I drink again I will die. Perhaps that's the attitude you must adopt.

Sasha4

Maybe one thing to think about is...... that if you don't have the first drink, you cannot get drunk.......and if your not drunk you cannot drunk dial or behave badly.

Can you avoid that first drink?

Thepatman

Same as the others. I would have a better chance of strapping myself to a banana and flying to the moon then drinking responsably. ;-)

Hevyn

Welcome hopeful! It's great to have you with us. This is a wonderful place where you can discuss these things and everyone will understand.

That sort of thing happened to me so often that I had to make the decision to never touch the stuff. More than anything I didn't want to let go of it all together - tried so hard over many years to control what I drank. I don't remember a time when my plans to have just one succeeded. One led to ten. Then danger and an unpredictable outcome. In the end, it was easier for me to just lay it down for good. I racked up some dui's, behaved in an out-of-character way, hurt and confused everyone - it just wasn't worth it.

Keep reading and posting - we care how you're doing, and want to help you figure this thing out.

freshstart57

I don't know why I just didn't get it for such a long time, but it finally dawned on me. I didn't have to drink anymore. You know the obsession, the voice that says ' Just hang in until quitting time, pick up a bottle of vodka and take a couple long pulls to ease the day', and there goes another night, shot from the get go.

I realized that I didn't have to do it, that I could choose to stop, that no one was holding a gun to my head and that I could get sober if I chose. You can choose to do the same thing, Hopeful, you really can quit drinking. Keep posting OK?

SavingSelf

I can't speak for everyone, but my guess would be that most who lurk and post in these forums have had feelings of shame and regret about their drinking.

I've lost count of how many times I have started and stopped drinking and told myself this time would be different. It never is. There is a reason why we wanted to stop drinking in the first place.

Take Care.

Anna

Trying to control my drinking was the most frustrating, disappointing, shameful experience ever. Finally letting go and knowing drinking was no longer an option, felt so freeing. You learned from the experience, so use the knowledge and move on.

Ready2Stop

Hopeful, other than the fear of being a disappointment to my children, my fear of who I would call and what I would say after I got drunk was my biggest motivation to stop drinking. It sucks when you wake up and you can't remember all of what you said or you wonder if you were able to talk normal or sound all slurred. For me, drinking and talking on the phone were like peanut butter and jelly. I always did one with the other. I have so many regrets for those calls, but I have to forgive myself. You apologized to those you embarrassed yourself in front of, and that's about all you can do. Hopefully, they will see over time that you are changing and respect your strength to persevere. Good luck to you and don't beat yourself up too badly...

hopeful123

Wow, thanks everyone, you have no idea how much your words help.

I've been thinking, this shame I feel right now is good in a way -- if I didn't feel so awful, I would just get wasted again next weekend, etc, and eventually do something even worse. At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself to make myself stop thinking about the latest incidents and to just move on.

I should feel bad for what happened, but I don't deserve to feel awful all the time and to view myself as a screw-up. Like some of you said/implied, if I keep drinking, I will continue to feel that way.

I am giving up drinking again, and this time I won't make the mistake of thinking I can "drink socially" again. If I ever feel like I want to go out and drink, I'll look back at this thread and I'm sure it will remind me why I wrote this in the first place.

Thanks again
xox

Delilah1

Welcome Hopeful!

Sounds like you have made a smart decision to learn from your slip up, forgive yourself and move on. I have had to do that too many times to count. I know that for me that one glass will lead to another and then too many. Keep reading and posting here, it really helps.

Alcofribas

hopeful123, I don't have much to add other than I feel like I can relate to your post perfectly!

It sounds like you know what you should do and I wish you the best of luck. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember that those slip-ups don't define you and in the bigger picture those faux pas really don't matter.

I've found SR a really nice space to come to while trying to be sober so don't be shy around here

Sobersunshine

Hopeful, I can't change the fact that I danced on a table last year at a formal ball (cringe), but I CAN make sure it never happens again by not taking that first drink!

renaldo

I don't have hangovers and my my regret is minimal. But I'm constantly re-assessing the situation, so obviously I can't drink like a normal person. I don't even know what a normal person looks like at this point. If I see a person nursing a beer in a social situation, I want to go the parking lot and chug 3 in a row.

DisplacedGRITS

i realized i was only able to really forgive myself when i committed myself to sobriety for the rest of my life because i realized what i was committing myself to. if i was going to make that kind of commitment, i was going to have to be able to let go of and forgive that old way of living. i could no longer be bound by the shackles of alcohol in any way. to live in that shame was to doom myself in the future. i still keep the fear of regressing back into that old life close because i know it's there should i slip. should i falter in sobriety, my old life will come back and swallow me whole but only if i let it. as i live now, i am free of it and i am forgiven in my heart, where it matters most. so as long as i honor my commitment, i can honor my forgiveness.