Fell off the wagon, Do Over Time!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 29
Fell off the wagon, Do Over Time!
I am sorry to say that I fell off the wagon. I went for nearly 2 weeks sober and was enjoying it and then, I don't know, went back to my old ways. So I sat my wife down and told her this (like she didn't know) and now it's time to get back to business. Like I told her, there is no way one person should be able to consume this much alcohol in such a small period of time and still be alive. I felt better with myself and my situation for just a period of hours. And then comes "the day after." I'm unemployed, have zero income, and need to be back in the workforce. Petty excuse, time to remedy that tomorrow. I'm tired of sitting around and feeling like a retiree ready to tackle the mailman for conversation because it's something to do. I'm over smuggling in alcohol so I can drink at two o'clock in the morning in the veil of secrecy. This is no life for anyone. So all I can say is thank you for reading this. Tomorrow is another day and I will be sober.
I am tired of my own excuses. No job, no income? Pretty petty. There are people that would love to have the food in my fridge and this is what I have? Sorry folks, ain't worth the drinking any more. Tried it again, didn't work.
BTW, if you are hiring let me know
I am tired of my own excuses. No job, no income? Pretty petty. There are people that would love to have the food in my fridge and this is what I have? Sorry folks, ain't worth the drinking any more. Tried it again, didn't work.
BTW, if you are hiring let me know
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
get out there and pound the pavement! just hold your head high and let the pride you have in your sobriety kinda fuel that drive people are looking for in an employee. that they should be so lucky to be able to hire you. you're a catch! do you know what led to your relapse? this is a good time to figure out why you fell off the wagon and adjust your plan for sobriety so when that situation comes up again, you'll be prepared and you'll be able to stay on the wagon. always be ready to adjust your plan if it didn't work the last time. glad to have you back on board and keep up the good work. good luck with the job hunt! i'm out there looking too!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Bowling Green, Kentucky
Posts: 39
I've read this and I'm not sure what to make of it or how to reply. I don't want to come off in any manner that would be negative but how do you reply to something that sounds glib? I'm the father of glib so I would know it. They (them special people known only as "they") say that if you spot it you got it...well, I've definitely had glib, and may very well have my very own special version right now. However, I'm reading something that sounds like an attempt at being contrite, yet is the smoldering ashes of superficial writings of someone trying to convince themselves that they are forgiven and all is well...sorta like that guy that goes around town "crying", "alas, all is well, tis two bells and all is well"...yet the guy that is doing the town crying is scared to death that the boogie man is just around the corner waiting to pulverize him. I’ve been where you are and it’s such a fearful place. I am also scared to death to go back. I hope that you are on your road to recovery and that you quit playing suicide roulette with a gun that’s fully loaded. Each time you drink may be your last…what I mean by that is your last time of ever coming back. We as alcoholics do not know if we are ever going to come back to this world of “sobriety” once we embark on our journey of “numbness.” Please, for your own sake, really search your soul and see that you cannot drink successfully and that it’s only a one way ticket to losing everything you hold dear, including yourself. Grab onto someone that is sober and imitate them…follow them around, find out what they do, and do those things that keeps them sober…find out what you need to do to stay sober…realize that you are at ground “zero” and need to be led by the hand until you’ve had many a nights sober sleep. Even then after being sober for sometime always remember that you are only a drink away from death…for me to drink is to die.
Alcohol does that to us...it pulverizes us to the point that we are scared to death to say anything especially the truth for fear that someone may point a finger at us and say..."Ah-ha", I knew you were a fake...I knew you were secretly hitting the sauce". So we walk that dark alley way whistling and saying..."I'm not scared, it's only the dark, there's nothing to be afraid of, I will just have one little nip, now who am I hurting, certainly not lovely, she's in bed asleep...and those children that have already moved on with lives of their own, they are not being deprived of anything by me taking this late night nip...." two weeks later after we are insane and broke and our shaking hands are searching frantically through our wives purse for a couple of dollars for the cheapest vodka available...the cycle...ohhhhhhhhh it hurts so bad. I hated those moments of insanity. The thought of that literally scares me to death. I know all it takes is one single sip……and I’ve literally traded my very soul for a trip to hell for that chasing of the feeling, that chasing of the satisfaction that only alcohol can extinguish, well, I believed that lie, that only alcohol could satisfy my want, my desire to be whole, it’s such a treacherous villain to make me believe that only it has the cure but all along it is the cancer that robs my soul, and those that I love get to sit by and watch as I commit slow suicide, “oh, they will be okay” we tell ourselves, as we slip into another alcohol induced coma. And the only way they are okay is if they completely remove themselves from our insane lifestyles, (owwww that hurts too), watching them pack their clothes and leave, get in their vehicles and drive towards that stop sign, while we think to ourselves, “they will be back, I know they will, they always do this but they always come back” and then we rush to our favorite hiding place and pull out the bottle and take a huge swallow to make us feel better. Then the numbness comes on and we really believe our own lies. If our loved one doesn’t come back and they move on they really do have the possibility of a normal life without us but the scars of pain that we’ve put on them will never be gone….I don’t know if I have another chance at sobriety only God knows…but I do know if I don’t put it to my lips and draw from the fountain of death…I have a chance at life.
Alcohol does that to us...it pulverizes us to the point that we are scared to death to say anything especially the truth for fear that someone may point a finger at us and say..."Ah-ha", I knew you were a fake...I knew you were secretly hitting the sauce". So we walk that dark alley way whistling and saying..."I'm not scared, it's only the dark, there's nothing to be afraid of, I will just have one little nip, now who am I hurting, certainly not lovely, she's in bed asleep...and those children that have already moved on with lives of their own, they are not being deprived of anything by me taking this late night nip...." two weeks later after we are insane and broke and our shaking hands are searching frantically through our wives purse for a couple of dollars for the cheapest vodka available...the cycle...ohhhhhhhhh it hurts so bad. I hated those moments of insanity. The thought of that literally scares me to death. I know all it takes is one single sip……and I’ve literally traded my very soul for a trip to hell for that chasing of the feeling, that chasing of the satisfaction that only alcohol can extinguish, well, I believed that lie, that only alcohol could satisfy my want, my desire to be whole, it’s such a treacherous villain to make me believe that only it has the cure but all along it is the cancer that robs my soul, and those that I love get to sit by and watch as I commit slow suicide, “oh, they will be okay” we tell ourselves, as we slip into another alcohol induced coma. And the only way they are okay is if they completely remove themselves from our insane lifestyles, (owwww that hurts too), watching them pack their clothes and leave, get in their vehicles and drive towards that stop sign, while we think to ourselves, “they will be back, I know they will, they always do this but they always come back” and then we rush to our favorite hiding place and pull out the bottle and take a huge swallow to make us feel better. Then the numbness comes on and we really believe our own lies. If our loved one doesn’t come back and they move on they really do have the possibility of a normal life without us but the scars of pain that we’ve put on them will never be gone….I don’t know if I have another chance at sobriety only God knows…but I do know if I don’t put it to my lips and draw from the fountain of death…I have a chance at life.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 29
Thanks to everyone.
Dee and Cob
I find that staying busy is the key to my recovery. I went out today and pounded the pavement and tried to be positive and pray and realize if I can get a job and some income rolling I will rid myself of the horrible helpless feeling that is hanging over me. The Lord blessed me with some good paying work this week and 1 interview today and 2 more later this week. I've found that alcohol is a vicious cycle. At first you get the incredible feeling you crave and almost instantly you feel your control disappearing very, very quickly. I went from "I'll have 2 beers" to drinking a fifth of vodka and a case of beer in about 3 days. Not smart on any account. Well, it's back to some coca-cola!
Dee and Cob
I find that staying busy is the key to my recovery. I went out today and pounded the pavement and tried to be positive and pray and realize if I can get a job and some income rolling I will rid myself of the horrible helpless feeling that is hanging over me. The Lord blessed me with some good paying work this week and 1 interview today and 2 more later this week. I've found that alcohol is a vicious cycle. At first you get the incredible feeling you crave and almost instantly you feel your control disappearing very, very quickly. I went from "I'll have 2 beers" to drinking a fifth of vodka and a case of beer in about 3 days. Not smart on any account. Well, it's back to some coca-cola!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Yeah I needed more than that because there's no way I could stay busy 24/7, 365...
sooner or later I had to learn to deal with being bored, being sick, being unmotivated, being different....
Everyone has their own way up the mountain tho - and I wish you the very best CS
D
sooner or later I had to learn to deal with being bored, being sick, being unmotivated, being different....
Everyone has their own way up the mountain tho - and I wish you the very best CS
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i dont want ot sound negative, but i do want to share my experience with staying busy and getting a job was a key to not drinking:
in 2000 i was introduced to crack. i was already drinking heavy and just found soemthing to add to make myself more numb. in about july 02, in one week and after getting so hoooked on crack i was blowin my $700 paychecks on it and alcohol, i crashed my truck, got fired and got evicted. i was at a point( so i thought) of complete desperation.
i started goin to NA. i was quite a physical wreck and hated myself pretty good. after a few weeks of goin to at least one meeting a day, i had a great thought and mentioned it at a meeting: "if i get a job, it will help me tremendously." i can look back and see them folks at the meeting wre tellin me politely," dude, yer thinkin is screwed and getting a job aint gonna help."
so i got a job and all was well....for a week. then i slacked off real quick on meetings and stopped goin. then another great thought:" if i just dont smoke crack again, ill be allright." so there i was at the liquor store getting a 40. in one week it went froma 40 to a 6 pack and a half pint. but i thought," hey, im not smokin crack any more!"
i didnt smoke crack again, but the drinking and my life got worse.
you see, even though i got back to work, i never did a thing to change me and my thinking. i kept living the same way, kept thinking the same way, and kept acting the same way.
it was when i changed wet places, wet faces, wet thinking, and wet actions that i was able to stay sober.
in 2000 i was introduced to crack. i was already drinking heavy and just found soemthing to add to make myself more numb. in about july 02, in one week and after getting so hoooked on crack i was blowin my $700 paychecks on it and alcohol, i crashed my truck, got fired and got evicted. i was at a point( so i thought) of complete desperation.
i started goin to NA. i was quite a physical wreck and hated myself pretty good. after a few weeks of goin to at least one meeting a day, i had a great thought and mentioned it at a meeting: "if i get a job, it will help me tremendously." i can look back and see them folks at the meeting wre tellin me politely," dude, yer thinkin is screwed and getting a job aint gonna help."
so i got a job and all was well....for a week. then i slacked off real quick on meetings and stopped goin. then another great thought:" if i just dont smoke crack again, ill be allright." so there i was at the liquor store getting a 40. in one week it went froma 40 to a 6 pack and a half pint. but i thought," hey, im not smokin crack any more!"
i didnt smoke crack again, but the drinking and my life got worse.
you see, even though i got back to work, i never did a thing to change me and my thinking. i kept living the same way, kept thinking the same way, and kept acting the same way.
it was when i changed wet places, wet faces, wet thinking, and wet actions that i was able to stay sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 29
I think for me it is going to require strict self control. Unless someone locks me in a cage there is no one but me that will keep me from drinking. I told my wife, family, friends and you all here so at least there will be some accountability.
For now I will focus my drinking energy into money making energy. I think I have been tested by a higher power and that I will not be permitted to move forward until I quit the lying and self destruction. Any way you slice it there is nothing but good things that can result from sobriety. Like I said before, didn't get in this shape quickly, ain't gonna get out quickly!
For now I will focus my drinking energy into money making energy. I think I have been tested by a higher power and that I will not be permitted to move forward until I quit the lying and self destruction. Any way you slice it there is nothing but good things that can result from sobriety. Like I said before, didn't get in this shape quickly, ain't gonna get out quickly!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Choppersled 
I think for me it is going to require strict self control.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North. Where it snows.
Posts: 702
Hello,
I'm new here and maybe I'm just prickly but sometimes, I find people's tone a bit "unforgiving" and just this side of preaching. If you haven't decided you're not ready to quit completely, you get a: seems like just an excuse. When you fall off the wagon, you get: you don't seem that contrite, you don't express enough concern...
If alcoholism is a disease, can we at least accept that there is a part of it that is uncontrollable or hard to control ? Can we accept people's decision to quit a while, start again, quit again until finally we get it right ? How many of you, (us) have tried before finally quitting ? I'm sure a lot, so it might be nice to be completely completely open and without judgment at all?
I may be completely wrong but since it's my second day here, I thought I could express my views as an outsider...
I'm new here and maybe I'm just prickly but sometimes, I find people's tone a bit "unforgiving" and just this side of preaching. If you haven't decided you're not ready to quit completely, you get a: seems like just an excuse. When you fall off the wagon, you get: you don't seem that contrite, you don't express enough concern...
If alcoholism is a disease, can we at least accept that there is a part of it that is uncontrollable or hard to control ? Can we accept people's decision to quit a while, start again, quit again until finally we get it right ? How many of you, (us) have tried before finally quitting ? I'm sure a lot, so it might be nice to be completely completely open and without judgment at all?
I may be completely wrong but since it's my second day here, I thought I could express my views as an outsider...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Quebec
Posts: 72
Going to aa myself. And wondered a lot about "the power behond". A was an unbeliever. Did me no good.
Self control can be swept off your feet is such a quick time. But asking for help, looking at my life and making evaluations of my status and at the changes was the start. Honesty towards ones self.
And I started praying. In my own way. Started to invest into my spirituallity.
And find it still weird, but so wonderful.
Am a student now, but I start working also tomorrow (found the job just before an AA meeting). weird.
I hope you will succeed with your interviews!! Always look up high, and be pround of yourself.
Self control can be swept off your feet is such a quick time. But asking for help, looking at my life and making evaluations of my status and at the changes was the start. Honesty towards ones self.
And I started praying. In my own way. Started to invest into my spirituallity.
And find it still weird, but so wonderful.
Am a student now, but I start working also tomorrow (found the job just before an AA meeting). weird.
I hope you will succeed with your interviews!! Always look up high, and be pround of yourself.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
DorothyParker, it is hard when people who aren't ready to stop are posting about drinking again-it's like waving a flag in front of a bull lol Anyone who makes it here to SR found it for a reason, and we all have that reason in common. I think people's replies here are consistently supportive.
If you're deciding whether or not to quit, and you're trying to moderate, it gets tricky. as so many of us have tried that route unsuccessfully. We're going to share that with you, even if you don't want to hear it. You are right, it may take many many times to make it stick. Glad you're here posting
If you're deciding whether or not to quit, and you're trying to moderate, it gets tricky. as so many of us have tried that route unsuccessfully. We're going to share that with you, even if you don't want to hear it. You are right, it may take many many times to make it stick. Glad you're here posting
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by dorothyparker
Hello,
I'm new here and maybe I'm just prickly but sometimes, I find people's tone a bit "unforgiving" and just this side of preaching. If you haven't decided you're not ready to quit completely, you get a: seems like just an excuse. When you fall off the wagon, you get: you don't seem that contrite, you don't express enough concern...
If alcoholism is a disease, can we at least accept that there is a part of it that is uncontrollable or hard to control ? Can we accept people's decision to quit a while, start again, quit again until finally we get it right ? How many of you, (us) have tried before finally quitting ? I'm sure a lot, so it might be nice to be completely completely open and without judgment at all?
I may be completely wrong but since it's my second day here, I thought I could express my views as an outsider...
I'm new here and maybe I'm just prickly but sometimes, I find people's tone a bit "unforgiving" and just this side of preaching. If you haven't decided you're not ready to quit completely, you get a: seems like just an excuse. When you fall off the wagon, you get: you don't seem that contrite, you don't express enough concern...
If alcoholism is a disease, can we at least accept that there is a part of it that is uncontrollable or hard to control ? Can we accept people's decision to quit a while, start again, quit again until finally we get it right ? How many of you, (us) have tried before finally quitting ? I'm sure a lot, so it might be nice to be completely completely open and without judgment at all?
I may be completely wrong but since it's my second day here, I thought I could express my views as an outsider...
dont you feel yer response is judgemantal?
yup, i stopped many times. before getting desperate enough, the longest i made it was about 30 days. i have a lot of knowledge, as do others here, of what doesnt work. i dont appriove of my behavior or actions when i was drinking and want to help others by trying to carry the message.
we are dealing with alcoholism. cunning baffling, powerful, patient and deadly. many who have died were victims of an alcoholics actions. the message that gets through to an alcoholic has to have depth and weight.
we who have recovered or are in recovery have suffered greatly so others dont have to, so we carry the message and if ya do some surfin on here, you'll see that many have gotten the message and realized their thinking was rather messed up.
good on ya for the oct13 DOS. keep comin back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North. Where it snows.
Posts: 702
I wasn't judgmental, Just expressing the feelings I had from surfing on this site a lot. You have to stop hardcore to get positive feedback. In any case, it doesn't matter. I'm back. What is DOS ? Date of stopping ?
I'm feeling good, I always like my breaks. It's the only way I can stop at the moment, taking a break. But I will go to AA this time. Isn't it funny that when we don't drink, we think we don't have a problem with alcohol? I never had withdrawal symptoms so I always think I'm fine.
Once, I made a contract with myself, I would only drink 5 times in the year, New Years, my birthday (what a present), Christmas...etc. and it worked for a year but I soon went back to my ways.
Reading the book Under the influence has helped, as did the documentary series Rain in my heart. I like to think it's a disease that makes us all wrecked. Yet, when I think back, at 19 I already had a lot of anxiety. Goes to show mental health is often co-morbid with alcohol.
I'm seeing my family doctor for something else next week. I will tell her I've stopped drinking. Once I told her I wanted to reduce drinking so I could go back to just enjoying my glass of wine, and she said: I think you're past that point.
That was 2 years ago. I remember storming out of her office, upset and determined to prove my point, which I did but only for 6 months.
Sorry about squatting on this thread. Perhaps I should post it up front. How come my doctor knew before I knew ? The power of denial...
I'm feeling good, I always like my breaks. It's the only way I can stop at the moment, taking a break. But I will go to AA this time. Isn't it funny that when we don't drink, we think we don't have a problem with alcohol? I never had withdrawal symptoms so I always think I'm fine.
Once, I made a contract with myself, I would only drink 5 times in the year, New Years, my birthday (what a present), Christmas...etc. and it worked for a year but I soon went back to my ways.
Reading the book Under the influence has helped, as did the documentary series Rain in my heart. I like to think it's a disease that makes us all wrecked. Yet, when I think back, at 19 I already had a lot of anxiety. Goes to show mental health is often co-morbid with alcohol.
I'm seeing my family doctor for something else next week. I will tell her I've stopped drinking. Once I told her I wanted to reduce drinking so I could go back to just enjoying my glass of wine, and she said: I think you're past that point.
That was 2 years ago. I remember storming out of her office, upset and determined to prove my point, which I did but only for 6 months.
Sorry about squatting on this thread. Perhaps I should post it up front. How come my doctor knew before I knew ? The power of denial...
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