AA and Ego
AA and Ego
I recently began going to AA and have been feeling great about it. The only problem is that on numerous occasions I've overheard individuals saying how much "newcomers" bug them. In small talk after meetings, several members have also drilled me with questions on why I am at AA.
I haven't been court ordered to attend AA and am going on my own free wiil. I'm tired of how alcohol has made my life unmanageable and simply need help. If part of AA is about losing your ego, why do I feel the need to prove myself to "regulars" or members with years of sobriety?
Their actions can only turn people away and push the stereotype of AA as a members only cult further than it already has.
Since it's been helping, should I just keep going and avoid being sponsored and discussions within the group. I've felt more comfortable when I've just gone and listened.
Anyone else have this issue?
Thanks!
I haven't been court ordered to attend AA and am going on my own free wiil. I'm tired of how alcohol has made my life unmanageable and simply need help. If part of AA is about losing your ego, why do I feel the need to prove myself to "regulars" or members with years of sobriety?
Their actions can only turn people away and push the stereotype of AA as a members only cult further than it already has.
Since it's been helping, should I just keep going and avoid being sponsored and discussions within the group. I've felt more comfortable when I've just gone and listened.
Anyone else have this issue?
Thanks!
Welcome DNVR
I have no experience with that newcomers thing, at AA or anywhere else...
Newcomers are definitely the most important people for me, and I've never heard it otherwise from any of the AA members I admire
I guess people are people...some are great, some are less so.
Maybe you need to try some other meetings?
You'll find a lot of support here anyway
D
I have no experience with that newcomers thing, at AA or anywhere else...
Newcomers are definitely the most important people for me, and I've never heard it otherwise from any of the AA members I admire
I guess people are people...some are great, some are less so.
Maybe you need to try some other meetings?
You'll find a lot of support here anyway
D
Hi, I don't have this issue but have some similar questions. I don't want to hijack your thread so hope it's okay to add my questions to yours.
I'm wondering if those with NA//AA experience might have insight into these scenarios. Both DNVR's and these two- One is that in all but one meeting I've been to I have been totally ignored. I am very shy and find it difficult/impossible to go up and introduce myself but did hope maybe someone would reach out. Instead I saw lots of people reaching out to eachother, hugging and ignoring those they didn't know.
Final question is, I tried going to local AA mtgs--I'm in a small town--and was told I could not speak and was not really allowed or welcome because I had the "wrong" addiction. It made no sense to me. I don't understand turning someone away who needs help just because their substance has a different chemical structure.
Can anyone help me understand, please? Thank you!
I'm wondering if those with NA//AA experience might have insight into these scenarios. Both DNVR's and these two- One is that in all but one meeting I've been to I have been totally ignored. I am very shy and find it difficult/impossible to go up and introduce myself but did hope maybe someone would reach out. Instead I saw lots of people reaching out to eachother, hugging and ignoring those they didn't know.
Final question is, I tried going to local AA mtgs--I'm in a small town--and was told I could not speak and was not really allowed or welcome because I had the "wrong" addiction. It made no sense to me. I don't understand turning someone away who needs help just because their substance has a different chemical structure.
Can anyone help me understand, please? Thank you!
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
First so glad your there DNVR...
And you dont have anything to prove to anyone but you.. And those members that your hear talking that way , just are still sick. And not working a program of the 12 steps. And letting Ego run riot EGO= Easing God Out..After all we are still human. You can just be a better example than that.
Because I was taught and shown that the newcomer is the most important person in the room. And being new still only 15 months. I have seen it in action.
Also your in Denver, there are lots of meetings. The are different try them, each one has its own personality just like humans.. Then you might see and hear someone that has what you want , and then ask to sponsor you...
I was never court ordered either , I should of been . I have 3 dui's. But I tell you the truth I love that I came into the rooms all on my own accord.
Keep an open mind, and try many different meetings..
And you dont have anything to prove to anyone but you.. And those members that your hear talking that way , just are still sick. And not working a program of the 12 steps. And letting Ego run riot EGO= Easing God Out..After all we are still human. You can just be a better example than that.
Because I was taught and shown that the newcomer is the most important person in the room. And being new still only 15 months. I have seen it in action.
Also your in Denver, there are lots of meetings. The are different try them, each one has its own personality just like humans.. Then you might see and hear someone that has what you want , and then ask to sponsor you...
I was never court ordered either , I should of been . I have 3 dui's. But I tell you the truth I love that I came into the rooms all on my own accord.
Keep an open mind, and try many different meetings..
I recently began going to AA and have been feeling great about it. The only problem is that on numerous occasions I've overheard individuals saying how much "newcomers" bug them. In small talk after meetings, several members have also drilled me with questions on why I am at AA.
I've never heard anyone say newcomers bug them. I have only heard the opposite that the newcomers are the most important people in the rooms.
I've asked newcomers after the meetings about why they came to AA. I did so as an attempt to get to know the new people. I will take it in to account that they may not view it that way. I'm an alcoholic too. I'm not the best at making conversation with strangers. Asking them why they came to AA seemed to me like a fair conversation starter considering it is the only thing I know I have in common with the person.
I haven't been court ordered to attend AA and am going on my own free wiil. I'm tired of how alcohol has made my life unmanageable and simply need help. If part of AA is about losing your ego, why do I feel the need to prove myself to "regulars" or members with years of sobriety?
I would suggest doing whatever makes you feel most comfortable. Just go and listen for awhile. There is nothing wrong about that at all.
This all my opinion, but make of it what you will. The first AA meeting I attended I only attended because there wasn't an NA meeting that night. I shared as an addict/alcoholic. Directly after my share an old guy jumps in saying stuff along the lines of 'I'm not a top-shelf junkie like you, I only drank'. I was obviously quite annoyed about this. The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. I needed and wanted to stop drinking as well as taking other drugs.
After the meeting several people came up to me and pretty much apologised for his behaviour. But you do get these type of people. They are so ingrained in their own sickness that they still don't have compassion for others. I go to another AA meeting now that has its fair share of people who identify as addicts/alcoholics and it's a lovely meetings.
People still have egos, they hold on to war stories. Part of recovery is dealing with these people. It becomes a necessary part of life. A lot of people with time in the program seem to have lost the point of it. They don't practise Step 12 in their daily lives. Just keep going, once they see you're in their for the longhaul then maybe their opinions will change. Or maybe you could get to another meeting?
After the meeting several people came up to me and pretty much apologised for his behaviour. But you do get these type of people. They are so ingrained in their own sickness that they still don't have compassion for others. I go to another AA meeting now that has its fair share of people who identify as addicts/alcoholics and it's a lovely meetings.
People still have egos, they hold on to war stories. Part of recovery is dealing with these people. It becomes a necessary part of life. A lot of people with time in the program seem to have lost the point of it. They don't practise Step 12 in their daily lives. Just keep going, once they see you're in their for the longhaul then maybe their opinions will change. Or maybe you could get to another meeting?
Hi, I don't have this issue but have some similar questions. I don't want to hijack your thread so hope it's okay to add my questions to yours.
I'm wondering if those with NA//AA experience might have insight into these scenarios. Both DNVR's and these two- One is that in all but one meeting I've been to I have been totally ignored. I am very shy and find it difficult/impossible to go up and introduce myself but did hope maybe someone would reach out. Instead I saw lots of people reaching out to eachother, hugging and ignoring those they didn't know.
I'm wondering if those with NA//AA experience might have insight into these scenarios. Both DNVR's and these two- One is that in all but one meeting I've been to I have been totally ignored. I am very shy and find it difficult/impossible to go up and introduce myself but did hope maybe someone would reach out. Instead I saw lots of people reaching out to eachother, hugging and ignoring those they didn't know.
Final question is, I tried going to local AA mtgs--I'm in a small town--and was told I could not speak and was not really allowed or welcome because I had the "wrong" addiction. It made no sense to me. I don't understand turning someone away who needs help just because their substance has a different chemical structure.
Can anyone help me understand, please? Thank you!
Can anyone help me understand, please? Thank you!
I am an alcoholic, but my drug of choice is marijuana. I went to AA for help with marijuana addiction. Due to the limited amount of MA meetings available to me, my recovery program centers around AA. Though I am seeking help with marijuana addiction, I respect the singleness of purpose by introducing myself as an alcoholic and speaking about my drinking or "addictions". I don't talk about the time I got a vaporizer and got high as ****, or about my favorite bong, or how I got paranoid that the cops were going to bust me. In fact, no one even knew marijuana was my problem until I started sitting on the smokers bench and really got to know people. I guess what I'm saying is no matter what you're particular problem is, if you want to go to AA, then go. Just be respectful about it and talk in general terms of "addiction" and stuff. No need to get specific about your particular DOC is. The people in the meetings are only going to know what you tell them.
Every single 'anonymous' program came from AA. A lot of the still use the AA big book, 12 n 12, and other AA literature as their own groups literature. I know this is the case in Cocaine Anonymous. I am firmly on the notion that a 12 step meeting is a 12 step meeting. If I am in desperate need for a meeting I will go to any 12 step one that is close and open that particular night.
Unfortunately I have found that the older people in AA tend to be slightly hostile towards addicts. I think it's because they grew up in a different period. However a lot of younger people who go to AA also used drugs and you can pretty much see a shift as the younger people start going and getting some clean time. In about 20 years I think that the membership of AA is going to have a lot of older members who although their main addiction was alcohol also had multiple cross-addictions to drugs.
I find a lot of people in AA also seem to use prescription drugs quite a lot, at least in their early recovery. Kinda like 'how can you mention the speck of wood in their eye before taking the plank out of yours' moment. Also this is my opinion of meetings where I am.
Unfortunately I have found that the older people in AA tend to be slightly hostile towards addicts. I think it's because they grew up in a different period. However a lot of younger people who go to AA also used drugs and you can pretty much see a shift as the younger people start going and getting some clean time. In about 20 years I think that the membership of AA is going to have a lot of older members who although their main addiction was alcohol also had multiple cross-addictions to drugs.
I find a lot of people in AA also seem to use prescription drugs quite a lot, at least in their early recovery. Kinda like 'how can you mention the speck of wood in their eye before taking the plank out of yours' moment. Also this is my opinion of meetings where I am.
Thanks RobC and Natom! You've given me some good stuff to ponder as well as encouragement to not let these behaviors stop me. I always find it easy to get stuck in the mindset that others are "better" than me and then get disappointed when they turn out to be human, too.
I'm pretty sure the AA mtg. I went to was open and the guy who asked me not to speak was polite--but I just felt so shut out and unwelcomed because I used a different substance. I hear of other meetings--in bigger cities--and been to one where it was clearly not an issue and everyone was welcome and encouraged to speak, including addicts.
Maybe I need to take my friend up on her offer to go to some meetings an hour or more away. Those meetings take place in a more open, welcoming and tolerant community. It's just 2-3 hours roundtrip--that's a lot for me currently.
Anyway, thanks again.
I'm pretty sure the AA mtg. I went to was open and the guy who asked me not to speak was polite--but I just felt so shut out and unwelcomed because I used a different substance. I hear of other meetings--in bigger cities--and been to one where it was clearly not an issue and everyone was welcome and encouraged to speak, including addicts.
Maybe I need to take my friend up on her offer to go to some meetings an hour or more away. Those meetings take place in a more open, welcoming and tolerant community. It's just 2-3 hours roundtrip--that's a lot for me currently.
Anyway, thanks again.
Welcome to SR DNVR
How long have you been sober? I only ask because early on I was really sensitive to what other people said, even after 3 months when I want to my first AA meeting. Now if someone says something I don't like I can ignore it much easier. I'm glad it hasn't put you off going, good for you Maybe try a few different meetings too to see if you can find some more like minded people x
How long have you been sober? I only ask because early on I was really sensitive to what other people said, even after 3 months when I want to my first AA meeting. Now if someone says something I don't like I can ignore it much easier. I'm glad it hasn't put you off going, good for you Maybe try a few different meetings too to see if you can find some more like minded people x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 137
DNVR, There is absolutely nothing wrong with simply listening at a meeting. I personally spent most of my time at aa in that mode. Also remember that there are many members who are not well and can put off new members with their opinions. You are in charge of your sobriety so do what is best for you. Take what you need and leave the rest. Best of luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
In most meetings I attended there was an understanding that many addicts were addicted to more than one thing, so it was understood that some alcohol addicts might mention drugs in AA and drug addicts might mention alcohol. I only encountered the sequestration of addictions online. But this may just be a south florida thing since there are lots of rehabs here and addicts of all stripes are used to sharing with each other.
The suspicion of newcomers does seem to be pretty common here too. You have to stick around and "prove" commitment before you get taken seriously. It makes sense with so many people passing through--attending a handful of meetings before giving up. If members were open to all newcomers I am sure they would eventually hit the wall of compassion fatigue.
The suspicion of newcomers does seem to be pretty common here too. You have to stick around and "prove" commitment before you get taken seriously. It makes sense with so many people passing through--attending a handful of meetings before giving up. If members were open to all newcomers I am sure they would eventually hit the wall of compassion fatigue.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
The suspicion of newcomers does seem to be pretty common here too. You have to stick around and "prove" commitment before you get taken seriously. It makes sense with so many people passing through--attending a handful of meetings before giving up. If members were open to all newcomers I am sure they would eventually hit the wall of compassion fatigue.
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
I haven't seen one fail yet.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I have seen too many meeting leaders and people with long sobriety fail to say that EVERYONE who follows the AA path will succeed. But I will say that they have a pretty good shot.
There are no guarantees in anything, least of all recovery. So I think even if you have found "the" path...you still have to keep seeking. Finding the path is not the end of recovery and no guarantee of permanent recovery. Finding recovery is an ongoing lifelong process.
There are no guarantees in anything, least of all recovery. So I think even if you have found "the" path...you still have to keep seeking. Finding the path is not the end of recovery and no guarantee of permanent recovery. Finding recovery is an ongoing lifelong process.
The suspicion of newcomers does seem to be pretty common here too. You have to stick around and "prove" commitment before you get taken seriously. It makes sense with so many people passing through--attending a handful of meetings before giving up. If members were open to all newcomers I am sure they would eventually hit the wall of compassion fatigue.
What I don't agree with is not being welcoming and friendly to all newcomers. To everyone for that matter. I always try to remember how I felt when I first started attending. So many people forget to do that ..... remember who you are and where you came from. It's important for my recovery. And then of course, there's the responsibility statement. Compassion fatigue, for myself, is no excuse. I needed all the compassion I got and I'll continue to give it to anyone who is seeking help. That's who I want to be today and I believe it's who my HP wants me to be. It's part of the deal.
To the OP - if it's an option, I suggest finding a different meeting to attend. Shop around and find one where you feel the most comfortable. No matter what you do, please don't stop working on your recovery!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
What I don't agree with is not being welcoming and friendly to all newcomers. To everyone for that matter. I always try to remember how I felt when I first started attending. So many people forget to do that ..... remember who you are and where you came from. It's important for my recovery. And then of course, there's the responsibility statement. Compassion fatigue, for myself, is no excuse. I needed all the compassion I got and I'll continue to give it to anyone who is seeking help. That's who I want to be today and I believe it's who my HP wants me to be. It's part of the deal.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
.
There are no guarantees in anything, least of all recovery. So I think even if you have found "the" path...you still have to keep seeking. Finding the path is not the end of recovery and no guarantee of permanent recovery. Finding recovery is an ongoing lifelong process.
There are no guarantees in anything, least of all recovery. So I think even if you have found "the" path...you still have to keep seeking. Finding the path is not the end of recovery and no guarantee of permanent recovery. Finding recovery is an ongoing lifelong process.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)