My 1 year sober date passed. I'm a jerk. Here is my sex life (VERY Long)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4
My 1 year sober date passed. I'm a jerk. Here is my sex life (VERY Long)
Hi Gang,
I am new here, but have been a lurker for years and have just joined the ranks. I am in the middle of some pretty serious early recovery trouble. And I could think of no better or more appropriate place to go.
Here we go... brace yourselves. I'm spilling my guts. No holds barred.
The Bad: (after re-reading there is no way I am coming out rosy after this but I need the advice, from people smarter than me)
I was/am/had been addicted to opiates, benzodiazepines and to a lesser degree gabapentin for the past 6 years after an injury and a scary first pregnancy (hence the benzos). Pills. Down the hatch, lots of them, none up my nose etc. I managed to keep it together pretty well until 2009. In 2009 I started really hitting the opiates hard, blasting through my pills faster than I could have imagined possible (like 120 7.5/325's in a week, for example, all by prescription, all legal for "somewhat embellished upon" medical reasons), and detoxing myself about once a month. Hell.
On the off days, weeks, my work would be affected as I detoxed. Sometimes I'd call in sick or be an obvious mess at work. She still didn't know the extent, and during that period we decided to have a second child. The pregnancy went fine, he was born but I went into hyper-stress mode and began using even more. Then eeeeeeverything went south. I went from being a solid earner making over 6 figures steadily, to being between jobs constantly, on a get-good-job-lose-good-jobget-good-job-lose-it cadence that set my family back in a huge way. Financially, we short-sale sold our home after barely dodging the bullet on foreclosure. I had a vehicle repossessed and I nearly ruined us financially otherwise.
Around that time, my wife and I just stopped having sex. It just stopped, basically when my son was conceived. Weeks turned into months, months turned into a year and that turned into 2 years. No sex. In the middle of that, I started getting lonely. I started carrying on an online conversation over email with a woman from college who it turns out - we were both very interested in each other. The online thing never went anywhere but it probably was going to. She found me passed out one night on the couch, laptop open, and she read Every. Last. Word. Of. It.
D-day. She thought about leaving. She contacted a few divorce attorneys. A few months later she sent me to treatment. I spent 30 days in an expensive rehab facility and then 30 days in a recovery house (basically a sober house, with medical staff - maybe a half-way house?). My sober date was October 2, and I left treatment in December. I spent more than 60 days away from my wife and my 2 small children.
In January she approached me one night and we had sex. Then the next night, then the next day. Good sex too. Come together, butt spankingly good. Things were good. Then I told her I had been taking Suboxone, and she absolutely flipped. Another month went by, no sex.
Then I flipped. She saw it as a relapse. Since then the sex has been about once a week, two if I beg, and boring, vanilla, reluctant, crappy sex.
The Good: She is still with me. Kind of. Read on...
It has been nearly a year since I got sober, 8 months after I left treatment, 6 months since Suboxone and literal years have passes since the emotional infidelity.
A huge thing for her was being a provider. My next job was not a "sober job" but a job that paid to within 2% of my last good job before the downfall, and I have maintained it, and my sobriety. So as a provider, I'm back. And sober? Yes.
Sex, attraction, and affection are a huge issue now, and it is driving me toward leaving her, or a relapse or both. The psychological issues with being sexually abandoned for almost 2.5 years, losing drugs (which in treatment they told me, is a loss to be recognized) the loss of some other physical possessions has put a lazer focus on her, and our sexuality. After 2.5 years of zero sex, including oral sex, I was going nuts, masturbating 2, 3 times a day and completely addicted to porn to get off.
I thought I could take any sex, even crappy reluctant sex, but I can't. In the time that we've been apart physically, she has gained weight, cut her hair, and looks like hell. We've always been a couple whose physical appearance differs, wherein I am the more attractive one, getting looks and stares at restaurants but she has taken it to a new level. With the combination of her weight, the lack of frequent sex, the lack of oral sex, and the general asexuality of her dress & demanor, I have been seriously considering leaving HER after all this and I know that makes me an absolute pile of garbage.
I adore this girl. I adore our children. I remember when she was sexually fun. I know that if I have an affair, and get that steamy sex elsewhere - - it's over. Which is why I haven't done it. But I know I can, just like anyone.
I am hanging by a limb here. I can not imagine a life without feeling physically wanted and that's where she's gone wrong. I have even told her that she's leading me down a dark path with the lack of affection. Not just sex, but general touching, cuddling, kissing - all of that seems to be a chore for her.
I won't live like this. Me. The drug addict.
Looking for any and all advice for those that chose to read this long screed.
Thank you,
Orbiter
I am new here, but have been a lurker for years and have just joined the ranks. I am in the middle of some pretty serious early recovery trouble. And I could think of no better or more appropriate place to go.
Here we go... brace yourselves. I'm spilling my guts. No holds barred.
The Bad: (after re-reading there is no way I am coming out rosy after this but I need the advice, from people smarter than me)
I was/am/had been addicted to opiates, benzodiazepines and to a lesser degree gabapentin for the past 6 years after an injury and a scary first pregnancy (hence the benzos). Pills. Down the hatch, lots of them, none up my nose etc. I managed to keep it together pretty well until 2009. In 2009 I started really hitting the opiates hard, blasting through my pills faster than I could have imagined possible (like 120 7.5/325's in a week, for example, all by prescription, all legal for "somewhat embellished upon" medical reasons), and detoxing myself about once a month. Hell.
On the off days, weeks, my work would be affected as I detoxed. Sometimes I'd call in sick or be an obvious mess at work. She still didn't know the extent, and during that period we decided to have a second child. The pregnancy went fine, he was born but I went into hyper-stress mode and began using even more. Then eeeeeeverything went south. I went from being a solid earner making over 6 figures steadily, to being between jobs constantly, on a get-good-job-lose-good-jobget-good-job-lose-it cadence that set my family back in a huge way. Financially, we short-sale sold our home after barely dodging the bullet on foreclosure. I had a vehicle repossessed and I nearly ruined us financially otherwise.
Around that time, my wife and I just stopped having sex. It just stopped, basically when my son was conceived. Weeks turned into months, months turned into a year and that turned into 2 years. No sex. In the middle of that, I started getting lonely. I started carrying on an online conversation over email with a woman from college who it turns out - we were both very interested in each other. The online thing never went anywhere but it probably was going to. She found me passed out one night on the couch, laptop open, and she read Every. Last. Word. Of. It.
D-day. She thought about leaving. She contacted a few divorce attorneys. A few months later she sent me to treatment. I spent 30 days in an expensive rehab facility and then 30 days in a recovery house (basically a sober house, with medical staff - maybe a half-way house?). My sober date was October 2, and I left treatment in December. I spent more than 60 days away from my wife and my 2 small children.
In January she approached me one night and we had sex. Then the next night, then the next day. Good sex too. Come together, butt spankingly good. Things were good. Then I told her I had been taking Suboxone, and she absolutely flipped. Another month went by, no sex.
Then I flipped. She saw it as a relapse. Since then the sex has been about once a week, two if I beg, and boring, vanilla, reluctant, crappy sex.
The Good: She is still with me. Kind of. Read on...
It has been nearly a year since I got sober, 8 months after I left treatment, 6 months since Suboxone and literal years have passes since the emotional infidelity.
A huge thing for her was being a provider. My next job was not a "sober job" but a job that paid to within 2% of my last good job before the downfall, and I have maintained it, and my sobriety. So as a provider, I'm back. And sober? Yes.
Sex, attraction, and affection are a huge issue now, and it is driving me toward leaving her, or a relapse or both. The psychological issues with being sexually abandoned for almost 2.5 years, losing drugs (which in treatment they told me, is a loss to be recognized) the loss of some other physical possessions has put a lazer focus on her, and our sexuality. After 2.5 years of zero sex, including oral sex, I was going nuts, masturbating 2, 3 times a day and completely addicted to porn to get off.
I thought I could take any sex, even crappy reluctant sex, but I can't. In the time that we've been apart physically, she has gained weight, cut her hair, and looks like hell. We've always been a couple whose physical appearance differs, wherein I am the more attractive one, getting looks and stares at restaurants but she has taken it to a new level. With the combination of her weight, the lack of frequent sex, the lack of oral sex, and the general asexuality of her dress & demanor, I have been seriously considering leaving HER after all this and I know that makes me an absolute pile of garbage.
I adore this girl. I adore our children. I remember when she was sexually fun. I know that if I have an affair, and get that steamy sex elsewhere - - it's over. Which is why I haven't done it. But I know I can, just like anyone.
I am hanging by a limb here. I can not imagine a life without feeling physically wanted and that's where she's gone wrong. I have even told her that she's leading me down a dark path with the lack of affection. Not just sex, but general touching, cuddling, kissing - all of that seems to be a chore for her.
I won't live like this. Me. The drug addict.
Looking for any and all advice for those that chose to read this long screed.
Thank you,
Orbiter
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Congrats on over a year sober-that is huge!
Would your wife consent to any kind of couples counseling? A weekend retreat with a babysitter for the kids? She is probably feeling bad about her looks and although you say you adore her I bet she's not feeling adored. When you feel unattractive and depressed it kills your sex drive. Putting the focus on where she's going wrong isn't going to help, it will probably make it worse. If she feels desired, if you do little things to help rekindle things it will go a lot farther. So much of sex is in the brain and emotional. I hope you can figure things out to keep your family together.
Would your wife consent to any kind of couples counseling? A weekend retreat with a babysitter for the kids? She is probably feeling bad about her looks and although you say you adore her I bet she's not feeling adored. When you feel unattractive and depressed it kills your sex drive. Putting the focus on where she's going wrong isn't going to help, it will probably make it worse. If she feels desired, if you do little things to help rekindle things it will go a lot farther. So much of sex is in the brain and emotional. I hope you can figure things out to keep your family together.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Orbiter - congratulations on your year.
Addiction I'm OK on, but I don't pretend to be any kind of relationship counsellor
Maybe, like FF suggests, seeing a professional counsellor might be a good move for you, and a couples therapists a good move for you both?
D
Addiction I'm OK on, but I don't pretend to be any kind of relationship counsellor
Maybe, like FF suggests, seeing a professional counsellor might be a good move for you, and a couples therapists a good move for you both?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: MA
Posts: 269
It sounds like her self esteem may be down 
Make her feel attractive. tell her she looks good, compliment her, etc. When women (well me anyway) don't feel attractive, they stop putting effort into their appearances, and the last thing that they want is to have sex. When we feel attractive and confident, we're all about it. (Again... I hate to generalize my gender, but that's how it is for me anyway)
Make her feel attractive. tell her she looks good, compliment her, etc. When women (well me anyway) don't feel attractive, they stop putting effort into their appearances, and the last thing that they want is to have sex. When we feel attractive and confident, we're all about it. (Again... I hate to generalize my gender, but that's how it is for me anyway)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by bjames 
It sounds like her self esteem may be down Make her feel attractive. tell her she looks good, compliment her, etc. When women (well me anyway) don't feel attractive, they stop putting effort into their appearances, and the last thing that they want is to have sex. When we feel attractive and confident, we're all about it. (Again... I hate to generalize my gender, but that's how it is for me anyway)
Make her feel attractive. tell her she looks good, compliment her, etc. When women (well me anyway) don't feel attractive, they stop putting effort into their appearances, and the last thing that they want is to have sex. When we feel attractive and confident, we're all about it. (Again... I hate to generalize my gender, but that's how it is for me anyway)Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Sex isn't the only part of marriage or being a wife. I agree it is important but not the most important thing. It seems as if it is to you. Look at it from her point of view-she has 2 young children,is tired,has little help, an addict husband who has lied to her and cheated on her,at least emotionally if not physically. Is it any wonder she feels unattractive. Sadly,when we become mums we don't feel like sex sirens all the time!(at least not in the beginnning) She is trying to have sex but her heart isn't in it -is it any wonder. Maybe rather than criticizing her performance maybe take her out compliment her, look after the children, give her a break. Women go off sex with their husbands usually when they are being neglected.
All my own opinion of course
All my own opinion of course
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
Originally Posted by justhadenough
Sex isn't the only part of marriage or being a wife. I agree it is important but not the most important thing. It seems as if it is to you. Look at it from her point of view-she has 2 young children,is tired,has little help, an addict husband who has lied to her and cheated on her,at least emotionally if not physically. Is it any wonder she feels unattractive. Sadly,when we become mums we don't feel like sex sirens all the time!(at least not in the beginnning) She is trying to have sex but her heart isn't in it -is it any wonder. Maybe rather than criticizing her performance maybe take her out compliment her, look after the children, give her a break. Women go off sex with their husbands usually when they are being neglected.
All my own opinion of course
All my own opinion of course
For most women, sex is about the relationship, and not so much about the "act" itself. In my first marriage (I am divorced and happily remarried) I found it stunning that my husband could spend all his time treating me like crap, like I was invisible, like I was a household servant...and then come to bed expecting me to be ready to swing from the chandelier.
I realize that men are wired very differently from women when it comes to sex; there is no "right" or "wrong" to this difference and I'm really not judging you for being a guy. All I'm suggesting is that you look at this from the perspective of your wife: you've not treated her in a loving way, yet you expect her to provide the byproduct of a loving relationship--with great enthusiasm and abandon, no less!
I truly hope that you and your wife are able to surmount this situation because it does seem as though there's lots of real love and caring between you two, but it can be terribly difficult to work through this without some outside help. A good marriage counselor can work wonders.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
Well, I know that I never want sex when I feel bad about myself. The way you describe it maybe she needs a boost in the slf esteem area. This means compliment her, make her feel good about herself and stop critizing her. Only act on the positive things she does and tell her you love her, leave little notes hanging around that will make her smile, romance her etc.... You may have to do this for 2-3 motnh but I am sure she will come around....
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Ugh. Sex IS hugely important in a marriage, and to go that long w/o it, well, major changes need to happen.
I really don't understand why some women (and vice versa; however, it does seem to happen more with women withholding sex) think that their husbands will stick around or not cheat when there is no sex happening...for years, even!
I'd tell her either you both get help to address this lack of affection and sex (not sure what you can do about her deterioration in looks but that would bother me too--how can one get aroused with such a change in appearance?) or leave. A sexless marriage WILL drive you to cheat and that level of porn consumption isn't a healthy substitute, either.
Despite your past addictions and ******* up financially, she needs to move on and make up her mind if she wants you physically again or not. To live in a cold, sexless marriage must be hell.
Good luck to you.
I really don't understand why some women (and vice versa; however, it does seem to happen more with women withholding sex) think that their husbands will stick around or not cheat when there is no sex happening...for years, even!
I'd tell her either you both get help to address this lack of affection and sex (not sure what you can do about her deterioration in looks but that would bother me too--how can one get aroused with such a change in appearance?) or leave. A sexless marriage WILL drive you to cheat and that level of porn consumption isn't a healthy substitute, either.
Despite your past addictions and ******* up financially, she needs to move on and make up her mind if she wants you physically again or not. To live in a cold, sexless marriage must be hell.
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 87
You dont sound like you are far from a relapse.
I think you should get a divorce. She has been through enough., and should move on with her life.
You on the other hand need to decide if sobriety is what you want.
Sorry dude.. Just my opinion.
I think you should get a divorce. She has been through enough., and should move on with her life.
You on the other hand need to decide if sobriety is what you want.
Sorry dude.. Just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Someone wrote that it sounds like you may relapse and that could be a danger. I think the whole sex thing in your marriage really needs to be addressed and perhaps through the third party of a marriage guidance counsellor.
I admire your honesty and it would be useful to find out what is going on in your wife's head, the weight gain may be due to her reaching for food for comfort.
Whatever the reasons you both need to communicate what is going on.
All the best and keep posting
CaiHong
I admire your honesty and it would be useful to find out what is going on in your wife's head, the weight gain may be due to her reaching for food for comfort.
Whatever the reasons you both need to communicate what is going on.
All the best and keep posting
CaiHong
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,336
After 2.5 years of zero sex, including oral sex, I was going nuts, masturbating 2, 3 times a day and completely addicted to porn to get off.
This sounds a little compulsive to me. I agree counseling would be helpful...both individual and couples. If divorce is the outcome, please strive to co-parent for your children's sake.
This sounds a little compulsive to me. I agree counseling would be helpful...both individual and couples. If divorce is the outcome, please strive to co-parent for your children's sake.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4
I so appreciate so many of the replies. Thank you!
I need to re-characterize some stuff. I have been extremely compliment-heavy on her for the past year. I mean, after all she did return to me both in relationship status AND sex. Factually, she did. I HAVE had sex finally, but the drought still affects me and I am basically still in one. Despite compliments throughout our marriage, she really started to slip in the looks department big time and I blame my addiction. But then I upped the compliments, I didn't stop them. I am no stranger to women or to interacting successfully with them. She's done more than withhold sex. She has become asexual in general which is basically worse. I know that she has body issues, and so do I. But I am doing a workout regimen and have been losing weight, and running. Neither of us are drinkers. Our routine with the kids make working out very difficult.
I'll spare you the specifics, regarding exactly what the physical and attire-related issues are, the height to weight ratio of each of us, and so on but something needs to change big time. I am far, far more worried that I will (1) cheat on her via a fling and live with super bad guilt, (2) get mad one day and just leave her, or (3) relapse. In order of likelihood.
But I am really worried about all of them. I guard my sobriety but I very much value my marriage, despite all this.
Yesterday we had a long talk about most of these issues, and her solution... was time.
I had been denied sex for 2 years, now it's happening but not nearly at the frequency I expected it to be.
I really appreciate the replies. Counseling has to happen before I were to leave, but unless this turns around I am fairly serious about telling her that it is only a matter of time before I'm unfaithful.
Thank you,
Orbiter
PS. I agree with the poster about withholding sex. Bad idea to do. If asked, that would be the very reason I would give if I cheated tomorrow, and god knows my will is weak.
My explanation would be something like...
"You denied me of it. The hell'd you expect?"
I need to re-characterize some stuff. I have been extremely compliment-heavy on her for the past year. I mean, after all she did return to me both in relationship status AND sex. Factually, she did. I HAVE had sex finally, but the drought still affects me and I am basically still in one. Despite compliments throughout our marriage, she really started to slip in the looks department big time and I blame my addiction. But then I upped the compliments, I didn't stop them. I am no stranger to women or to interacting successfully with them. She's done more than withhold sex. She has become asexual in general which is basically worse. I know that she has body issues, and so do I. But I am doing a workout regimen and have been losing weight, and running. Neither of us are drinkers. Our routine with the kids make working out very difficult.
I'll spare you the specifics, regarding exactly what the physical and attire-related issues are, the height to weight ratio of each of us, and so on but something needs to change big time. I am far, far more worried that I will (1) cheat on her via a fling and live with super bad guilt, (2) get mad one day and just leave her, or (3) relapse. In order of likelihood.
But I am really worried about all of them. I guard my sobriety but I very much value my marriage, despite all this.
Yesterday we had a long talk about most of these issues, and her solution... was time.
I had been denied sex for 2 years, now it's happening but not nearly at the frequency I expected it to be.
I really appreciate the replies. Counseling has to happen before I were to leave, but unless this turns around I am fairly serious about telling her that it is only a matter of time before I'm unfaithful.
Thank you,
Orbiter
PS. I agree with the poster about withholding sex. Bad idea to do. If asked, that would be the very reason I would give if I cheated tomorrow, and god knows my will is weak.
My explanation would be something like...
"You denied me of it. The hell'd you expect?"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Orbiter
Yesterday we had a long talk about most of these issues, and her solution... was time
Running out of frigging time waiting to be out of this forced near celibate lifestyle.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
From the perspective of someone who has lived with an addict and experienced similar changes of appearance and loss of sex drive as your wife, I can tell you that time really is the only thing that will perhaps make her recover enough.
It's very very very hard to live with an addict and it's a form of stress, sadness, and fear that the addict him/herself (unless they have also lived with an addict) will never understand (just like we don't understand your troubles). Even when our loved one goes into recovery, the fear and anticipation is still there. We have no control over your recovery process, so we might struggle with the anticipation of a relapse, we struggle with resentment from dealing with the addiction, etc. These feelings don't go away because you are in recovery. I can't speak for all spouses, but I feel for your wife. Still being with you and raising your children shows her commitment to you. If she doesn't feel like having sex, what is she to do? It's not something she can help and would you want her to have sex with you if she doesn't feel like it?
If you were my spouse and felt like this, I wouldn't want this relationship anymore. You have different needs and if they can't be met, it might be best to separate. It's not fair to her to expect her to give something she just can't give and not fair to you to go without something you need. At the very least, marriage counseling, like has been suggested, might work. Good luck to you both!
It's very very very hard to live with an addict and it's a form of stress, sadness, and fear that the addict him/herself (unless they have also lived with an addict) will never understand (just like we don't understand your troubles). Even when our loved one goes into recovery, the fear and anticipation is still there. We have no control over your recovery process, so we might struggle with the anticipation of a relapse, we struggle with resentment from dealing with the addiction, etc. These feelings don't go away because you are in recovery. I can't speak for all spouses, but I feel for your wife. Still being with you and raising your children shows her commitment to you. If she doesn't feel like having sex, what is she to do? It's not something she can help and would you want her to have sex with you if she doesn't feel like it?
If you were my spouse and felt like this, I wouldn't want this relationship anymore. You have different needs and if they can't be met, it might be best to separate. It's not fair to her to expect her to give something she just can't give and not fair to you to go without something you need. At the very least, marriage counseling, like has been suggested, might work. Good luck to you both!
Gratefully Sober
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: va
Posts: 56
As someone who has been where your wife is and WAS cheated on,sorry there is no excuse for cheating.. none whatsoever....
I cant think of anything more hurtful and devestating than to know that your husband has gone out and screwed some other woman...
You think her sex drive is bad now ,just wait and see how bad it gets if you betray her in this manner...
Please dont let your dick do your thinking for you...
I do think counseling for the both of you would be good..along with patience on your part.
I cant think of anything more hurtful and devestating than to know that your husband has gone out and screwed some other woman...
You think her sex drive is bad now ,just wait and see how bad it gets if you betray her in this manner...
Please dont let your dick do your thinking for you...
I do think counseling for the both of you would be good..along with patience on your part.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
It's really sounding like you've decided cheating is going to be the outcome and it's going to be your wife's fault once you do. Just my opinion, but this is a really immature plan. It would be better to be totally honest, and ask for a separation because you can't continue to live in this type of marriage. Maybe after some time apart, the two of you might rekindle some of the passion. I'm sure your wife is so stressed from dealing with all of this-it's not likely to improve any time soon. People here (and your wife) are giving you honest answers about how it "works" with women/sex drive but they're not the answers you want to hear. I'm not saying you have to give her all the control, but cheating as a solution to your dilemma is going to make it worse, almost guaranteed. Not fair to the third party either, as you'll be emotionally unavailable to them. You also have to look at the big picture. Would you be happy having lots of sex but never seeing your family? That may be the trade off you're heading for.
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