Hi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 342
Hi
Here goes...
Sorry if you have heard it all before but this is my first time at getting it all down. I am an alcoholic.
I am mid 30's. Had my first alcoholic drink at 15 at a school party. Ended up blind drunk, slept at a friends house, swore at his parents and threw up on the football field the next Saturday morning. There follows twenty years of similar stories but I am sure you can fill in the blanks from that one incident.
I refuse to look back now at what could have been, it has taken me a lot of soul searching and adjustment to gain this attitude - as I was a classic stand up rock solid guy on the outside who internally could worry sheep. The booze bounced these thoughts around my head like an echo and magnified them x 10. I have however reflected on how great it would have been if I had located an 'off' button that first time. I suspect, however, that I didnt roll off the production line with that particular feature.
So why the years of torture? Well to be honest it didn't start off that way, quite the opposite actually. The usual circumstances are there. Broken family, hated living in a Government house, interestingly my Dad is one of the worst alcoholics I know (and that is saying something) but I didnt have much to do with him until I was 16 and nothing more now.
But none of that matters, I had a great youth all things considered. Made the most of it and think back on it mostly fondly (What I can recall).
The real reason. I liked the drink! I was weak willed and succumbed readily to temptation, had no real aim or direction and was willing to drift along. At first, it wasn't a problem, I could handle it, yeh right! Up until about age 25 I would binge drink, maybe once a month, maybe 20 times a month depending what was happening. Blackouts, waking up in spew and all the bad stuff but I always worked and never got in bad trouble, it was just what all my mates did (In hindsight maybe I gravitated more to the extreme drinkers amongst a wide network of friends) Anyhow, I justified it although deep down I knew. Denial aint just a river eh..
Then I joined the police force. Best move ever if you are an alcoholic in denial. Short story is lots of excuses/opportunities to indulge in self loathing, and reasons/justification to drink. You see some real dark disturbing stuff - but still just an excuse. I guess it is what it is, plus I still love my work. One important point is that coppers are never short of a drinking partner or a supportive culture, I belonged and fit in well, more drifting along.
It all culminated with me a couple years ago, working plain clothes and major life changes combined with a sporting injury/surgery. Drinking had increased to 6 - 10 or more most nights plus whenever possible during days if off duty. Throw in some big nights for good measure. Beer to wine to spirits. Waking up, can't remember going to bed. Pissed the bed. Keeping it all secret except from the wife. Wasted money blah blah blah. Was I alcoholic? dont know dont care, just a label, fact was I had a real problem.
I ended up at the docs for the black hole I was in and the serious problem I had, got some help. WTF how did I end up there. Seriously I dont know, it wasnt supposed to happen to me, some of the stuff that went through my head at the time makes me shudder. I was pretty confused, no I was f@#ked up. Ever seen a big tough copper cry, I felt like a friggin joke. The doc was great.
I cut down on alcohol substantially. I was surprised at the physical symptoms I guess it was a drawn out detox of sorts where I fought inch by inch, day by day. I struggled back on to my feet and kept keeping on somehow (used to think of the Churchill quote about when you are going through hell). Hiding it, existing at work was real hard. Thank God for my kids and wife and that tiny part inside that refused to surrender. I could actually see the faintest glimmer of light.
I still couldnt give up the booze totally though. I drank very little and mostly lite beer. However, I knew it was only a matter of time, there was a good and evil battle shaping up in my head, this was crunch time, the cross roads. I trod water, mulled it over, drank a little and put off the decision.
What really helped was getting stuck into the gym as my injury healed and eating healthy. It got me fit, gave me an excuse not to drink (sorry boys I'm on a health kick) and helped heaps with my internal thoughts and thinking time. When we had big functions, which was quite often I would drink occassionally but arrange my wife for a certain time to pick me up. I knew moderation couldn't and wouldnt last.
So after about 18 months of this, fit, drinking waaaaay less and in a decent head space I worked it all out. No more indecision. No more maybe. This was it, my one shot. My kids werent growing up alcoholic like the kids of others I deal with every day. A sergeant I know summed it up for me when he told me why he didnt drink anymore, he simply said "after 23 years as a cop, seeing the s$#t people blame on alcohol, what they do, it just kinda took all the fun out of it"
For the first time in my life I decided I didnt need booze and would never drink again. There you go, I had said it to myself, an internal promise. God, the relief.
See I knew for at least 15 years I needed to never drink but wouldn't committ to it. As long as I gave approval to myself, I could have short periods off, prove there was no problem and come back, succumb when offered. I put off that 'never drinking again committment' because at the end of the day I wanted to drink again.
So the decision was made. The monkey ripped from my back and stomped into the ground. How was I going to make this work. I researched it. There was more to this than the drinking. This thing was going to take a whole new me to beat it. Step outside the comfort zone, embrace change and revel in it, face challenge. Thats cool I was a bit sick of the old me anyway and no doubt other people were too.
I left the plainclothes behind. Back to uniform policing where I am on call a lot of the time therefore can't drink. Away from family, friends drinking mates, the lot. Me and my family, and they love it. Yeh theres a bit more travel and more responsibility but its all part of the challenge (and better pay) No more dealing with hardened crooks or devastated vicitms. All day to day, smaller stuff. I didnt blink an eye at all the questions from colleagues and criticism of the move (old me would have).
I hesitate to use the word "epiphany" but something has changed inside. Maybe I grew an off switch. Work is great, life is great, kids are fantsatic, saving money, having control. I feel like the one thing I did right is hang on long enough (only just) and not quite sink deep enough to still come out the other side with a reasonable shot at life.
I have good health, relative youth, good employment, great family and a plan. Yes thats right, I am now looking at what I HAVE got not what I havn't. And I am filling my life with it. My only real concern from my drinking days is my short term memory, I forget little things and my attention wanders, I used to be quite sharp. This does worry me but it could be worse.
It is all relative. Some of the people I deal with would give anything for all that back and another shot. Been 3 months total sobriety next week, since the day I started my new position. I dont obssess or miss it. I just dont drink. The weight of relief is unbelievable. Life is way too short to waste it. I like the "one day at a time" mantra. Although not just for abstinence but how I am going to grab a better life "one day at a time"
Life is choice. I am not a victim. The stuff I see is no longer an excuse to drink but a reminder of how lucky I am and a chance to make a difference. I am not a sheep.
Some might say I wasnt alcoholic, I managed to successfully moderate for 18 months with intermittent abstinence. I dunno, it was just a method that worked for me whilst I built up to the decision and got back on track. It was only sheer bloody mindedness and the refusal to go back to those dark depths that made it possible. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone. Just worked out in my particular circumstances. It would not have worked long term and I really drank very little in that period.
I stood and looked over a cliff edge whilst one voice whispered syrup in my ear. Jump! it wont hurt you go on, one little jump. A voice of reason shouted through, get back you idiot, get your crap together, people need you. The voice of reason won out. My family is safe.
End of story. (sorry about the rambling)
Sorry if you have heard it all before but this is my first time at getting it all down. I am an alcoholic.
I am mid 30's. Had my first alcoholic drink at 15 at a school party. Ended up blind drunk, slept at a friends house, swore at his parents and threw up on the football field the next Saturday morning. There follows twenty years of similar stories but I am sure you can fill in the blanks from that one incident.
I refuse to look back now at what could have been, it has taken me a lot of soul searching and adjustment to gain this attitude - as I was a classic stand up rock solid guy on the outside who internally could worry sheep. The booze bounced these thoughts around my head like an echo and magnified them x 10. I have however reflected on how great it would have been if I had located an 'off' button that first time. I suspect, however, that I didnt roll off the production line with that particular feature.
So why the years of torture? Well to be honest it didn't start off that way, quite the opposite actually. The usual circumstances are there. Broken family, hated living in a Government house, interestingly my Dad is one of the worst alcoholics I know (and that is saying something) but I didnt have much to do with him until I was 16 and nothing more now.
But none of that matters, I had a great youth all things considered. Made the most of it and think back on it mostly fondly (What I can recall).
The real reason. I liked the drink! I was weak willed and succumbed readily to temptation, had no real aim or direction and was willing to drift along. At first, it wasn't a problem, I could handle it, yeh right! Up until about age 25 I would binge drink, maybe once a month, maybe 20 times a month depending what was happening. Blackouts, waking up in spew and all the bad stuff but I always worked and never got in bad trouble, it was just what all my mates did (In hindsight maybe I gravitated more to the extreme drinkers amongst a wide network of friends) Anyhow, I justified it although deep down I knew. Denial aint just a river eh..
Then I joined the police force. Best move ever if you are an alcoholic in denial. Short story is lots of excuses/opportunities to indulge in self loathing, and reasons/justification to drink. You see some real dark disturbing stuff - but still just an excuse. I guess it is what it is, plus I still love my work. One important point is that coppers are never short of a drinking partner or a supportive culture, I belonged and fit in well, more drifting along.
It all culminated with me a couple years ago, working plain clothes and major life changes combined with a sporting injury/surgery. Drinking had increased to 6 - 10 or more most nights plus whenever possible during days if off duty. Throw in some big nights for good measure. Beer to wine to spirits. Waking up, can't remember going to bed. Pissed the bed. Keeping it all secret except from the wife. Wasted money blah blah blah. Was I alcoholic? dont know dont care, just a label, fact was I had a real problem.
I ended up at the docs for the black hole I was in and the serious problem I had, got some help. WTF how did I end up there. Seriously I dont know, it wasnt supposed to happen to me, some of the stuff that went through my head at the time makes me shudder. I was pretty confused, no I was f@#ked up. Ever seen a big tough copper cry, I felt like a friggin joke. The doc was great.
I cut down on alcohol substantially. I was surprised at the physical symptoms I guess it was a drawn out detox of sorts where I fought inch by inch, day by day. I struggled back on to my feet and kept keeping on somehow (used to think of the Churchill quote about when you are going through hell). Hiding it, existing at work was real hard. Thank God for my kids and wife and that tiny part inside that refused to surrender. I could actually see the faintest glimmer of light.
I still couldnt give up the booze totally though. I drank very little and mostly lite beer. However, I knew it was only a matter of time, there was a good and evil battle shaping up in my head, this was crunch time, the cross roads. I trod water, mulled it over, drank a little and put off the decision.
What really helped was getting stuck into the gym as my injury healed and eating healthy. It got me fit, gave me an excuse not to drink (sorry boys I'm on a health kick) and helped heaps with my internal thoughts and thinking time. When we had big functions, which was quite often I would drink occassionally but arrange my wife for a certain time to pick me up. I knew moderation couldn't and wouldnt last.
So after about 18 months of this, fit, drinking waaaaay less and in a decent head space I worked it all out. No more indecision. No more maybe. This was it, my one shot. My kids werent growing up alcoholic like the kids of others I deal with every day. A sergeant I know summed it up for me when he told me why he didnt drink anymore, he simply said "after 23 years as a cop, seeing the s$#t people blame on alcohol, what they do, it just kinda took all the fun out of it"
For the first time in my life I decided I didnt need booze and would never drink again. There you go, I had said it to myself, an internal promise. God, the relief.
See I knew for at least 15 years I needed to never drink but wouldn't committ to it. As long as I gave approval to myself, I could have short periods off, prove there was no problem and come back, succumb when offered. I put off that 'never drinking again committment' because at the end of the day I wanted to drink again.
So the decision was made. The monkey ripped from my back and stomped into the ground. How was I going to make this work. I researched it. There was more to this than the drinking. This thing was going to take a whole new me to beat it. Step outside the comfort zone, embrace change and revel in it, face challenge. Thats cool I was a bit sick of the old me anyway and no doubt other people were too.
I left the plainclothes behind. Back to uniform policing where I am on call a lot of the time therefore can't drink. Away from family, friends drinking mates, the lot. Me and my family, and they love it. Yeh theres a bit more travel and more responsibility but its all part of the challenge (and better pay) No more dealing with hardened crooks or devastated vicitms. All day to day, smaller stuff. I didnt blink an eye at all the questions from colleagues and criticism of the move (old me would have).
I hesitate to use the word "epiphany" but something has changed inside. Maybe I grew an off switch. Work is great, life is great, kids are fantsatic, saving money, having control. I feel like the one thing I did right is hang on long enough (only just) and not quite sink deep enough to still come out the other side with a reasonable shot at life.
I have good health, relative youth, good employment, great family and a plan. Yes thats right, I am now looking at what I HAVE got not what I havn't. And I am filling my life with it. My only real concern from my drinking days is my short term memory, I forget little things and my attention wanders, I used to be quite sharp. This does worry me but it could be worse.
It is all relative. Some of the people I deal with would give anything for all that back and another shot. Been 3 months total sobriety next week, since the day I started my new position. I dont obssess or miss it. I just dont drink. The weight of relief is unbelievable. Life is way too short to waste it. I like the "one day at a time" mantra. Although not just for abstinence but how I am going to grab a better life "one day at a time"
Life is choice. I am not a victim. The stuff I see is no longer an excuse to drink but a reminder of how lucky I am and a chance to make a difference. I am not a sheep.
Some might say I wasnt alcoholic, I managed to successfully moderate for 18 months with intermittent abstinence. I dunno, it was just a method that worked for me whilst I built up to the decision and got back on track. It was only sheer bloody mindedness and the refusal to go back to those dark depths that made it possible. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone. Just worked out in my particular circumstances. It would not have worked long term and I really drank very little in that period.
I stood and looked over a cliff edge whilst one voice whispered syrup in my ear. Jump! it wont hurt you go on, one little jump. A voice of reason shouted through, get back you idiot, get your crap together, people need you. The voice of reason won out. My family is safe.
End of story. (sorry about the rambling)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome Nigey 
thanks so much for sharing your story
Call it an epiphany or a moment of clarity but something *shifts* doesn't it?
I rediscovered the real me - and I'm no longer ashamed of the man in the mirror
sounds like you've done the same...
good to have you join us
D
thanks so much for sharing your story
Call it an epiphany or a moment of clarity but something *shifts* doesn't it?
I rediscovered the real me - and I'm no longer ashamed of the man in the mirror
sounds like you've done the same...
good to have you join us
D
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Welcome, nigey1.....thanks for sharing your story and congrats on three months.
You write "end of story" but the story is just beginning - it just gets better and better from here on out.
Thanks for posting this.
You write "end of story" but the story is just beginning - it just gets better and better from here on out.
Thanks for posting this.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Like wellwisher said you are that the beginning of finding a new life... 
I was a long time daily drinker also.. Till I was 39. And in the last 14 months life has changed so much and become really something to keep living for.
Thanks to AA and SR , I am able to live life on lifes terms..
Welcome aboard..
I was a long time daily drinker also.. Till I was 39. And in the last 14 months life has changed so much and become really something to keep living for.
Thanks to AA and SR , I am able to live life on lifes terms..
Welcome aboard..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 342
Four months and all good here.
Been to a wedding, grand final BBQ and a fishing weekend with the boys. Wow you get a different perspective. I was the only one really fishing, loved it.
I just keep telling everyone I am on a health kick and cant drink for 12 months. People initially put pressure on to drink then they forget about it. They seem to accept that it is a temporary thing alot better than if they are informed it is permanent. They dont need to know for now. It is enough that I know. And you guys.
Hope everyone is doing well. One day at a time guys and gals. Life is good.
Been to a wedding, grand final BBQ and a fishing weekend with the boys. Wow you get a different perspective. I was the only one really fishing, loved it.
I just keep telling everyone I am on a health kick and cant drink for 12 months. People initially put pressure on to drink then they forget about it. They seem to accept that it is a temporary thing alot better than if they are informed it is permanent. They dont need to know for now. It is enough that I know. And you guys.
Hope everyone is doing well. One day at a time guys and gals. Life is good.
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Awesome always good to hear some good stuff..
And your right , its noones business but your own. So keep on enjoying all those good things with the kids and yourself...
Thanks for coming back and re-posting..
And your right , its noones business but your own. So keep on enjoying all those good things with the kids and yourself...
Thanks for coming back and re-posting..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 342
Hi Sapling.
I am not a member of AA. I dont really know how it came about to be honest but it is defnitely a fundamental shift in lifestyle/philosophy/outlook. And just letting go of the small stuff (In the end its all small stuff)
On a good note it is now close enough to 5 months for me. Had ups and downs but mostly ups.
On a sad note my father passed away overseas in this period. Chronic alcoholic super talented bloke who never realized his full potential. I wont say any more about that. The old me would have used this situation as an excuse. The new me used it as re inforcement.
Stay strong people. I have been lurking and reading and may not comment but I am there with you.
I am not a member of AA. I dont really know how it came about to be honest but it is defnitely a fundamental shift in lifestyle/philosophy/outlook. And just letting go of the small stuff (In the end its all small stuff)
On a good note it is now close enough to 5 months for me. Had ups and downs but mostly ups.
On a sad note my father passed away overseas in this period. Chronic alcoholic super talented bloke who never realized his full potential. I wont say any more about that. The old me would have used this situation as an excuse. The new me used it as re inforcement.
Stay strong people. I have been lurking and reading and may not comment but I am there with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 342
6 months down.
Getting harder and easier in some ways. Focus on Xmas now. Will no doubt be a hard period for many here.
Secret for me has been filling life with work, fishing gym the list goes on.... feels good. Do miss some of the friends though. And the feeling of a chapter closed on life, funny remembering the good times, have to force myself to remember the bad and shudder... This forum helps
Have noticed I drink alot more coffee and diet coke. At least they dont wake me up anxious and sick.
Good luck.
Getting harder and easier in some ways. Focus on Xmas now. Will no doubt be a hard period for many here.
Secret for me has been filling life with work, fishing gym the list goes on.... feels good. Do miss some of the friends though. And the feeling of a chapter closed on life, funny remembering the good times, have to force myself to remember the bad and shudder... This forum helps
Have noticed I drink alot more coffee and diet coke. At least they dont wake me up anxious and sick.
Good luck.
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