KTurner0524

Hello everyone, long time listener, first time caller...sorry, I use humor to deflect much hate in my life. I am not sure even how to do this, my name is Kevin and I am an alcoholic. Is that how this works? My wife of 10 years marriage, 12 years of being together, told me tonight that she cannot forgive me for my tresspassings, and for my alcoholism.

I have never laid a hand on my wife in an abusive manner; I am not a physically abusive man. My wife and I have not made love in over 6 months, prior to that we had not made love for over 3 years.

Tonight she found out that I ordered a marital sexual aid, nothing freaky, a simple 6 and a 1/2 inch dildo, which is approximately the same size as I am, years ago when we were having sex she was the one who had requested a marital aid, so I did not see the problem. Well I should have, she through a huge fit, yelling at me and telling me how dare I do such a thing without consulting with her first.

First of all, the dildo had not even arrived yet, it is not like I forced it upon her or that I ever would, I am not that kind of man. I was hoping that it would rekindle the flame that I feel we have lost.

I am 38 years old, I weigh in at 250lbs, I am over weight, but far from being huge. I have worked out since age 15 and I have a good build, could I stand to loose a few pounds, of course, but who amongst us that are approaching 40 couldn't stand to loose a few pounds?

I am a good looking man and more important than that, I am funny, fun, smart, and I make great company, at the risk of tooting my own horn. Not to mention the fact that I am the person whom my wife swore vows to 10 years ago. We have a child together, which brings me to my next question.

My wife wanted a child very, very much so, I wanted one as well, but before our son was born I could have lived my life happily without a child. However, my opinion on the matter has changed 110% since my son was born, I love him with all my heart and I have never in my life felt such love in return.

It took my wife and I about 4-5 years to have our son, not to mention the thousands of dollars that it cost us...heck, tens of thousands of dollars. Funny thing is that after our son was born my wife wanted a girl and I told her that we should just focus on raising our son.....she is not the mother of the year after all....she constantly yells at our son and our son yells at her and mistreats her. Before you go there, no, I do not mistreat my wife.....he treats her the way he does in response to how she treats him, it is belatedly obvious. He treats me with great respect....as a friend even. Yes, he is aware of my drinking and he hates it, I keep telling him that daddy will stop as soon as I can....he wants me to stop so bad.....he sees the damage it is doing to my health.....I have major health issues, but we can dive int that more at another time.

My wife and I had not had sex in about 4-5 years, our son was 6 at the time. She then decided to throw me a bone and she literally layed there like a corpse while I did e did.....I was even on oxygen at the time, and before you jump to the conclusion that I am sure you will jump to, my health had only been poor like this for about a year.....for all I know she tried to poison me....The ailments that I came down with are very rare and not indigenous to the state that I live in. For all I know she has been poisoning me.

I am tired of living my life like a priest.....I want to have intercourse with my wife, and if she does not want me then I would like the time to grieve and move on. Tonight I will be voluntarily sleeping in a separate bed and room in our house. Tomorrow she will beg me to stay with her, God only knows why. It she has done it numerous times in the past when I have told her that we need to end it.

Another thing, I have told her that I would never let her or our son suffer....I would be more than willing to make sure that she has a place to live comfortably, and as for our son.....he will never want for anything so long as I am alive, not to mention the fact that he is still the primary beneficiary for my death benefits.

I guess my question is this, am I being taken for a fool? Has my wife been treating me as a fool all these years? Has she been doing as my Mother believes and been stringing me along trying to get her second child out of me before kicking me to the curb? She has made it quite clear from day on at she wanted two children, while I made it quite clear I only wanted one, boy or girl.....made no difference to me. Of course, I politely questioned her about this a couple years ago and she just laughed.....unconvincingly so.

I am going to try to quiet drinking this weekend, and as for tonight....I will. Be sleeping in our son's very nice full size log cabin style bed....did I not mention that our 7 year old son still sleeps with us, or that we have not been on a date since our son was born, which was over 7 years ago.....these are her decisions not mine.

Please someone help me, that is if I am not beyond help which I fear I am. I think that the only option left is divorce.

Thank you in advance for your time and advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin

Fandy

Welcome to SR kevin.
thats a big burden, you've been carrying, sounds like alcohol is just one piece of the puzzle.
for the record, no child belongs in bed with the parents at age 7.
Others will be around shortly to give you better insight, but i didnt want you to go unanswered.

Dee74

Hi Kevin

I can only advise you on the alcohol issues, but sounds to me like trying to get sober might be a better step forward in trying to sort all the other stuff out?

I think some couples counselling might give you better help than we can here with the marriage issues - but you'll find a lot of support here for your recovery

Welcome
D

Grace2

Welcome Kevin

Think I'll have to go and have a think about this one!

Catch up later

Gx

karilynn27

Hello Kevin, welcome to SR.
I'm sorrry for your heavy load.
Sounds like getting sober might be a good place to start.
So much has changed for me in the 8 months since I got sober.
Keep coming back

DAB

Kevin, your story is so similar to mine that it's scary.
We have been married 12 years and together 14. We have a six year old daughter through fertility treatments etc. She was the one that wanted to be a parent, I could take it or leave it. We have had only 3 date nights since she was born. Our sex life was nonexistent for at least two years, she was sleeping on the couch. She then made the decision that she was leaving me, taking my daughter to another state where her mother lives. I continued to drink for months, I had given up hope.
Then on 1/11/11, I decided to give up drinking. I started going to AA after the fourth day of being sober. I have only missed one meeting since.
After about 4 months of being sober, she started to trust me again. We started making love again, and really working on our marriage.
Things aren't perfect, but on a scale from 1-10, we went from 2 to 8.
I have learned through AA that there's much more to staying sober than just not drinking.
I enjoy life more now than I have in a long, long time.

IndaMiricale

Welcome Kevin and I am Inda and a alcoholic also.

I have never been married nor have children , so in my world of this I have no opinion to give there.

But I can about drinking, and like the others said if you can get a grip and work on that . I truly believe the other things will find their coarse, and you see the answers slowly.

I am a proud member of AA, and think you would benifit greatly not only from the 12 steps but the fellowship for sure..

You started by posting a thread here , great start, now take the next step and get some face to face support..

Best wishes to you and your family..

bobcat2000

Hi,

I have been married close on 14 years and the last several years have been hell. My wife has been extremely unhappy with our relationship and moved on emotionally. No excuse but I was badly abused as a kid which I have learnt make shape me. As I look back I was not there for her mentally or in any other way. I have tried to save my marriage and have tried every tactic - nothing has worked - when a woman withdraws so deeply it is near impossible to turn them around. I have lost my long fight and now face divorce - this is very tough for me as I believe in marriage. But I realsie that the best for all concerned, including my son is divorce - happy seperated parents are better than unhappy, merely existing in a relationship with the faint hope of repair. Do what is right for you and your son and work on getting to happiness. God bless

Sapling

Hey Kevin....Welcome to SR. You don't talk much about your drinking other than that you are alcoholic....That's good enough reason to quit...I ended a marriage of 17 years because frankly...I wasn't done drinking yet and chose alcohol over my ex wife. I continued on drinking 7 years after divorcing her and butchering another relationship I was in before I just couldn't take it any more...Mentally...Physically, Financially and spiritually I was beaten by alcohol.....l can tell you it is progressive and it will get worse for you.....As far as your marriage goes....Probably would be easier for both of you to figure that out with alcohol out of the picture....And the rare illness you are suffering from?...Which you think you may have been poisoned?...In this day and age...I hope you at least checked that out....I also got sober with AA and have new sober friends as well as 14 months of continuous sobriety...I wish you the best...And I hope you get alcohol out of your life....Glad you found the site.

Vall

Hello Kevin.

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. This is my first response to anyone on here as I am very new but I felt I could perhaps offer some insight as my best friend's husband is an alcoholic and has been for the past 15 years. I have been through so much, heard so many stories while supporting her - she has been through a lot of suffering trying to keep her marriage together and her child safe. Her husband is so unaware of the damage he has caused as he forgets a lot of what he has done the next day and will never believe what she (and her child) say about what he did. He constantly blames her and it gets very complicated at this point because of course she doesn't want to/fancies a man on top of her who is usually always drunk. She feels guilty as she still loves him but is now, after many courageous efforts, trying to get him to family counselling etc considering leaving him.

I agree with the others that first you should stop drinking, and quick.

I wish you all the very best.

P.S. I understand that you were trying to rekindle your sex life with the toy, but in such a versatile atmosphere as both have at the moment, what works better for most women is a more subtle, gentler approach...flowers, chocolates etc. Once you sort things out which I hope you do, you can then do more exploring ;0 good luck

Grace2

Hi Again Kevin

I think you have a few major issues.

Firstly. the alcohol. Alcohol twists everything round. I think stopping drinking needs to be your first priority. You never see things in a true light, when drunk. You'll get all the support in the world on here,, but you do need to be honest with yourself. Maybe go to an A.A meeting.

I agree that a 7 year old shouldn't be sleeping in your bed, but maybe your wife has her reasons for that.

I'm no expert at giving marital advice, I've got problems with my own relationship at the moment, thanks to my drinking, for which I'm desperately trying to make amends. I dont know if there are any online support groups for marital difficulties, but there is marriage guidance etc that may be able to help.

Big hugs

Gxxx

tomsteve

glad yer here,kevin. this is "the sober recovery community", so i wont give advise on marital issues.

do you want to do something about the alcoholism? theres a lot of support for that here.

you are not beyond help!.

wow04

Welcome Kevin! I am also an alcoholic. I also attend Alanon. I have heard many times "I can't believe he wants to have sex, I can't stand the smell of the alcohol." Just a thought.

I know through AA and working the steps my whole life changed. Begin with the drinking issue and see what happens. My experience was I had to focus completely on the drinking issue then the other pieces of my life fell into place and I knew a better way to handle them.

Threshold

Hi Kevin, my heart goes out to you, and your family. Tough times.

When we are drinking/drugging (not suggesting YOU are drugging, but this site is for people with all addiction issues) we only see through a chemical induced haze AND the haze of "needing" our next drink or fix. No matter how we think we are behaving, there is always that underlying drive to ensure our next fix.

We develop a narrowness of vision over time and we just can't see or think over a wide range, consequently thoughts get tangled and twisted and knotted up.

Getting sober and into recovery begins to free and untangle our thoughts. It begins to dissolve our blinders so we can see more clearly and the feelings we've been numbing through substance abuse begin to surface so we can address them.

This is my long winded way of agreeing with the posters above who suggest that sobriety and recovery are the best way to begin to address ALL the situations you find yourself in.

If no other reason than the fact that this IS an issue you can adress that does not depend on anyone else changing their behavior. None of us can alter the thoughts and feelings of others, but we can work on our own.

As I grow in recovery, which to me means not only putting down substance abuse, but getting my life in order, I am better able to address my life, and deal with the situations and feelings that arise.

Something that I learned to be true about myself is that in active addiction I was unable to keep promises I made to myself or others. My desperate need for my chemicals blinded me, consumed me etc. And it only got worse over time. No matter my good intentions, I became unable to keep my promises. This was apparent to the people around me before I realized how serious it had become. The things I said I would never do, or never allow to happen...I did and did not prevent from happening. Many of my recovery friends found that to be true as well. I experienced the same behavior in my alcoholic boyfriend. I could not hope to keep ANY of my promises or good intentions until I kept that one promise of getting and staying sober.

I am glad you found and joined our community. We have a great deal to offer each other in our journey of recovery.

Things will get better and we are here to support you while you take this important step.

fgo

Kevin.. I also agree with everyone else, not because sr is an addiction site, but because most of have been were you are. I know for me i had to STOP drinking before i could deal with anything else in a clear and rational manner.. I know you have to make that decision. Of all that you said, the fact that your 7 year old sees the harm you are doing with your drinking, stood out to me the most. Good luck to you.

KTurner0524

Hello all,

I am in a meeting right now, conference call, so this is going to be brief...need to focus on meeting after all, but I was reading responses over my lunch break and I felt a strong need to respond Immediatly.

The purpose of my immediate response being to say thank you. I was absolutely amazed by the number of people whom have responded to my post, but to my surprise that was only the first thing to have amazed me.

The second amazing aspect was the thoughtful and caring nature of each post, whether it was a simple greeting welcoming me to the group, a supporting word, or statements sharing similarities and words of wisdom, all the posts where so kind, considerate, and welcoming.

I felt it necessary to say thank you immediately and to let you know just how much this means to me. All to often I have reached out to a forum for help only to be greeted with silence or ridicule.

Your kindness and compassion speaks volumes about your character, which fills me with a sense of confidence with regards to my recovery...something that I have not felt in a while.

Just to let everyone know, I plan on stopping the drinking tomorrow. I know that I should not wait and should just do it now, but I need my last night to say goodbye to a destructive old friend; alcohol.

Thanks again everyone, I look forward to getting to know many of you better, hopefully all, but realistically many, during this next phase of my life, a phase that I am going to refer to as my "under construction" phase.

Anna

Welcome, Kevin!

Say 'good-bye' to your friend, alcohol, and 'hello' to a new and happy life.

I'm so glad you found us and that you have decided to stop drinking. I'm not sure what your course of action should be Kevin, but I think being sober will help you to know that you are making the very best choices for you and your son.

Fandy

if you are going to drink this evening, try to keep it minimal. try to be happy with your child and have a nice conversation with the wife....don't focus on the physical aspects, just talk to her like a person....events, movies and maybe the 3 of you can go to a place tomorrow.

you're in a good place for support.

MetalChick

Welcome to SR

Thanks for the candor; almost a TMI, lol

You sound like a very good person, but the alcohol seems to be numbing the pain of the relationship and prolonging the agony. I often wondered whether I drank because a relationship was bad or if it was bad because I drank. Probably a bit of both, but I guess it doesn't matter because I would have drank no matter what my situation was at the time.

I think that you will defiantly need to quit to get your head straight so you are able to think clearly about what you should do about this relationship.

Take care,

MC

IndaMiricale

Wondering how your day went.. Hope you come back and share what your plans are.