DAB

Good on your decision to stop drinking tomorrow.
I had to have my last hurrah before I quit too.
My suggestion is to find a small AA group for support, even if you think you don't need it.
If nothing more, it's like therapy for a buck. It not only gives you the tools not to drink, it gives you support, and a way to live a more meaningful life.
The best of luck to you!

Mizzuno

Hello
I wanted to offer my support to you. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I believe that time heals almost everything. First things first. I agree with what everyone is saying, the booze has got to go. In time all these other issues can be addressed. I do hope you come back and be a part of a very supportive community.

amy55

Wow, just needed to say that. I am an alcoholic, and so was my ex. I couldn't even read your entire post, because, well, geeze, you expect your wife to put out, while you do nothing but drink, and blame her for everything.

My ex also bought me a dildo. I had cervical cancer, had radiation, had a dilator. So I was using the dilator. He wanted me to use the dildo, that he bought me also.

What can I say??????? Anything I did,or whatever I did was not good enough for him. He also got mad because I was using these things, but I had to. So I stopped using anything. When I was, he was pissed off at me that I was. Kept telling me that I was having sex with myself multiple times of the day, or was telling me that he liked that I was having multiple sex many times a day.

I got to the point that I couldn't use anything, guess what????, my fault again. I was always threatened about having sex, I would hear,we can fight all night, or we can have sex.

So sorry, couldn't read entire thread, couldn't read responses. Thought a long time before I posted. But need to say, think of why your wife might not want to have sex with you.

Yes, I was insulted with the dildo. Tried to get over that, but the comments never stopped coming.

Could it possibly be that you might have hurt her with these. Could it be that you are pressuring her? Could it be that she might not want to be near you because you don't feel loving to her? That you just might want to do it and just get it over with, and maybe, just maybe, she wants more than that?????

Glad to hear that you are going to stop drinking.

KTurner0524

Greetings everyone.

First of all, thank you all for being so kind, understanding, and forgiving. I wrote the originating post on a night that is not indicative of a typical night. Yes, I drink almost nightly, but on this night I drank more than usual due to the marital issues I am facing, and do specifically to the occurrences that night.

Secondly, I read over the post for the first time since having made the post. I was disgusted, shocked, embarrassed, and most of all sorry. That is exactly what I do that is one of the things taring apart my marriage.

I don't hit my wife, when sober I treat my wife with love, compassion, respect, consideration, etc... She would even tell you that when I am sober we are the best of friends. This is not to say we don't have our share of problems, but what marriage/relationship doesn't?

I have tried to romance her over the years, I have tried the flowers and candy approach, I still do as a matter of fact. I have requested on numerous occasions that we go to marriage counseling, she does not want to. She has issues with therapy, and I have tried to talk to her on the subject but she gets very defensive.

Someone made a comment about the smell of the alcohol possibly bothering her, and I think that is a small part of it; however, the larger part is the alcoholism period. And I do brush my teeth extremely well, using mouth wash, spraying on a little Hugo Boss, the whole nine yards, I am not an animal after all, although I can see how I would have come off as such in my post.

The fact of the matter is that I have been drinking for a little over 2 years this time. We have been married for 10 and together for 12. The pattern of alcohol use over that 12 year period is approximately as follows: years 1- 3 drinking almost nightly, years 4 - 7 sober, year 8 hooked on OxyContin after lung surgery to remove half my right lung, years 9 - 10 sober, and most recently years 11 and 12 drinking nightly.

My wife and I have not been on a date in 7 years, since our son was born, she does not trust anyone to babysit. We have made love maybe a half a dozen times since my son was born, and there was a long dry spell of 3 or 4 years without, during which time I was sober the majority of the time.

I have never been unfaithful, I have never been physically abusive, and any mental abuse I have dispensed over the years has been returned in kind. We all say things we don't necessarily mean during a fight. My wife and I fight about once every 4 months, and it is usually about the lack of intimacy in our marriage, and the fact that we don't get quality time together.

And it is not all about sex. I have told her that one of the things I miss the most is just holding her. We use to lay in bed together on lazy Sunday mornings and snuggle while watching TV. I miss that, I miss my wife, the woman I love.

I have made the decision to enter the sober world again, and am going on day 2 of my new sober life. I pray that this time is forever.

Lastly, Amy55...those were some pretty harsh words, not saying that under the circumstances they weren't merited, but it seems like you have a lot of bottled up hate, don't let that destroy you. As am I, I am sure you are a good person and I am appologize to you and to anyone else whom may have been offended by my original post. I have also appologizes to my wife and she appologizes to me for overreacting, we have since kissed and made up.

You are all correct though, recovery begins with my not drinking...I guess that is one of the reasons I have been so hesitant to stop. What do I do if I stop drinking and nothing changes with regards to my marriage? The issues were there before I started drinking. I wish she would be willing to go to therapy....I even suggested that she could do 1 on 1 therapy if she would rather. I told her it may help for her to have an outside 3rd party to talk to about life. She got even more upset than when I brought up the marriage counseling.

God bless, have a good morning everyone, and thank you for reading and caring. I appreciate each of you and value your input.

P.S. sorry, but I am posting this from an iPad, have been up since 3am due to insomnia from withdrawals, it is now 5:30am, so please forgive the fact that I am not going to proof read and correct errors in grammar, spelling, etc...

Fandy

I think you're on the right track. You can only fix yourself. It sounds like she may to do the same..
shes a bit too clingy with your son, it sounds smothering.

sissy07

Kevin,

You have nothing to apologize for. Your original post didn't offend me at all. As a matter of fact, I admired your honesty. Just remember that sometimes responses you get via the internet are missing tone, etc. Unfortunately I am sure that I have written responses that didn't come off as I meant them. (Even with multiple smilies, which I have quit using)

You have a good head on your shoulders. You know the drill - you have been through it before. Remember how your mind became clearer, and things became less confusing when you didn't drink? Insurmountable problems (that continue to multiply) become fixable when sober....or at least stop more problems from happening.

Ugh - I hope I don't sound condescending. Sobriety is the only game in town for you. Go for it. We all care. This place has pulled me out of hell. Take care.

Mizzuno

Hello,
Im glad that you posted again. It sounds to me (alcohol aside) that you are doing what you can to make things work. You have suggested counseling many times. It takes two to make things better. I hope that your wife can come around to getting some help for everybody sake. Issues with therapy aside. Something has got to give. Only my opinion.
As far as the drinking, GOOD JOB! I saw that you were on day 2? VERY VERY GOOD! Keep it up. I know for some, the first week can be tough. Hang in there. We are here for you.

Vall

You sound extremely articulate when under the influence Kevin - I can't even imagine how much more interesting/happy you could sound when sober :> Bring it on! for your wife and child!!

We all struggle with life if we are honest with ourselves.

I'm not even sure that if we found "our perfect life" that we would know that we have it...

It's impossible to know if we could be happier. The only thing we know is how to be less unhappy.

All the best.

sugarbear1

I'm glad you are stopping the drinking. The hard part is staying stopped. Do you have a plan or program of recovery? Get out of your delusional thinking and then when you are more present, maybe talk with your wife. You will go through many changes in your first full year (and beyond) of staying stopped. A program will help you more than attempting willpower alone.

I wish you well,

sissy07

whoops - this was supposed to be a pm so I deleted it. Sorry about that.

amy55

[QUOTE=KTurner0524;3559520]Greetings everyone.



Lastly, Amy55...those were some pretty harsh words, not saying that under the circumstances they weren't merited, but it seems like you have a lot of bottled up hate, don't let that destroy you. As am I, I am sure you are a good person and I am appologize to you and to anyone else whom may have been offended by my original post. I have also appologizes to my wife and she appologizes to me for overreacting, we have since kissed and made up.




Kevin, really happy that you did come back. Perhaps I was harsh, I just wanted to, I guess, shock you a little, so that you might see anothers view on this, and how someone might react to it.

I don't have a lot of hate bottled up in me. I am now divorced for almost 2 years.

Congrats on your decision to stop drinking. Hope all goes well for you, and please stick around here. There are many supportive people here.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Kevin.

I hope you're getting some rest. I'm divorced now, but a lot of your story reminds me of some of my experiences with my ex. The long quest to have a child, then becoming so focused on our daughter, that we just kind of lost track of each other.

My drinking escalated during that time; like you I never raged and stormed about. I just sort of retreated into this quiet, numb space. Did I drink because of the relationship problems, because I found myself feeling so alone in a marriage? It's tempting to say so. But the truth is, I think they were separate things. If anything, the numbness of alcohol kept me from taking steps to improve the marriage. It sure didn't help either of us to rekindle our love. And when we separated, and I found myself alone in the house half the time (we have joint custody of our daughter), my drinking only increased. My addiction was adept at using any available excuse to drink.

So what's to be gleaned from that about your situation? Not much, I'm afraid. I wish I had clear answers for you. It's hard enough for me to understand the wreckage of my own marriage. I do know that once I quit drinking, I was able to view it more clearly, without anger or defensiveness. Forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude—these became pillars of my recovery. My relationship with my ex—and with just about everyone else in my life—has benefited enormously.

Recovery is its own reward. It frees you to be the kind of person you want to be. No one can say whether that will improve your marriage. You're only half of the equation, ya know? But it sure as heck can't hurt. And whatever happens, you will be in a much better position to move forward, to live your life and to raise that son of yours.

Glad you found us. You absolutely can do this.

DayTrader

Much to my chagrin, when I started treating my alcohol problem and, more importantly, my alcoholism.......the vast majority of the problems in my life started to straighten out.

I'm not saying my drinking/alcoholism was at FAULT......and maybe it was but......when I started getting well and healthy, solutions to those problems in my life started to materialize as did the ability to follow through with them.

We, as a group, tend to want the whole deal right now! What usually works is tackling the mess of problems one at a time. I highly suggest starting with the alcoholism part - it will make dealing with ALL the other stuff immensely easier.

karilynn27

Congrats on getting a couple of 24's under your belt, I do hope you continue to come back and post.
When I quit drinking my marriage was at rock bottom, funny thing is, the longer I stay sober, the better my marriage becomes.
I'm not saying it is easy. Things are definitely improving.
All the best

Vall

Hope you are doing ok?

Messages seem to go so far down so quick on SR and seemingly forgotten when they are not which can only mean one thing and that is > that there are a lot of people in this world who need support and help...