Is it me???
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi,
I'm sorry you got stuck with that guy.
I'm not in AA, but I had a huge problem with boundaries in my life, too. What I can tell you is, when you set a boundary that you believe in, you will feel better about yourself. Your self-esteem with grow and you will find it easier to continue to set boundaries in your life that are in your best interests.
I'm sorry you got stuck with that guy.
I'm not in AA, but I had a huge problem with boundaries in my life, too. What I can tell you is, when you set a boundary that you believe in, you will feel better about yourself. Your self-esteem with grow and you will find it easier to continue to set boundaries in your life that are in your best interests.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
It is really a tragic thing...And it makes me sick to hear about it....But most people walk through the doors of AA because they are broken...They are vulnerable...And they are looking for help....Unfortunately there are some sick people that take advantage of that...And Freshstart is right...There are women guilty of this too....That's why the best advice I can give to any newcomer....Stick with the winners...And find out who the winners are....You'll know with time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by positivelady67 
My question is how do I say no politley without offending him, I have serious boundry issues as I can't say no. Also I cannot believe this goes on and he might just be being kind to me as I am new, when he kissed me I put it down to me and that I might have moved and it was an accident.
Thank you for listesning any advice would be great.
Thank you for listesning any advice would be great.
Don't worry about offending him, it seems he has already offended you. I would keep on going and just keep telling: that you did not appreciate his advances before, and you were just trying to be nice. Keep telling him no, and he will move on to the next one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
Originally Posted by positivelady67
Hi Everyone
Just wanted some advice with a situation that is making me uncomfortable. I am 5 months sober and an old timer 38 years sober has been chatting to me at the meetings. Last week he asked me where I worked as it was a lunchtime meeting, when it turned out that I worked just around the corner from where he lived he asked for a lift home. I felt a little uncomfortable but could not think of a reason not too. When we pulled up outside his house he gave me his home number and mobile number and got out of my car and came to my window where he leant in and kiss me on the lips just for a second. I felt really uncomfortable and said goodbye and left. Since then he has asked again for a lift home from another meeting and it was not a work day so he didn't even know how far out of my way it was. I was staying behind with another aa member (female) for coffee so said no, he did seem a bit put out. My question is I have another meeting tonignt and I am put off going because he might ask me again. Am I overeacting? I thoought in AA we have to do the right thing and surely taking anold man home is the right thing? Also my friend in AA warned me off him as he is known for 13th stepping (never heard of that)
My question is how do I say no politley without offending him, I have serious boundry issues as I can't say no. Also I cannot believe this goes on and he might just be being kind to me as I am new, when he kissed me I put it down to me and that I might have moved and it was an accident.
Thank you for listesning any advice would be great.
Just wanted some advice with a situation that is making me uncomfortable. I am 5 months sober and an old timer 38 years sober has been chatting to me at the meetings. Last week he asked me where I worked as it was a lunchtime meeting, when it turned out that I worked just around the corner from where he lived he asked for a lift home. I felt a little uncomfortable but could not think of a reason not too. When we pulled up outside his house he gave me his home number and mobile number and got out of my car and came to my window where he leant in and kiss me on the lips just for a second. I felt really uncomfortable and said goodbye and left. Since then he has asked again for a lift home from another meeting and it was not a work day so he didn't even know how far out of my way it was. I was staying behind with another aa member (female) for coffee so said no, he did seem a bit put out. My question is I have another meeting tonignt and I am put off going because he might ask me again. Am I overeacting? I thoought in AA we have to do the right thing and surely taking anold man home is the right thing? Also my friend in AA warned me off him as he is known for 13th stepping (never heard of that)
My question is how do I say no politley without offending him, I have serious boundry issues as I can't say no. Also I cannot believe this goes on and he might just be being kind to me as I am new, when he kissed me I put it down to me and that I might have moved and it was an accident.
Thank you for listesning any advice would be great.
Don't dare let him affect your sobriety.. and concerning people in the way of your sobriety step over the top of them.. Your sobriety comes first.. HE KNOWS BETTER...
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,786
Originally Posted by MesoFreak
One of my favorite words is NO. I don't know why people don't use it more often, its really a great word. It solves many problems Don't worry about offending him, it seems he has already offended you. I would keep on going and just keep telling: that you did not appreciate his advances before, and you were just trying to be nice. Keep telling him no, and he will move on to the next one.
Don't worry about offending him, it seems he has already offended you. I would keep on going and just keep telling: that you did not appreciate his advances before, and you were just trying to be nice. Keep telling him no, and he will move on to the next one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 183
A kind thing would be respecting your space and get to know you and your intentions before making a move! Just sounds like the guy saw an opportunity amd went for it. I would stay within your comfort zone, and I would be very firm and say you can't take him home, that's not whats best for you, and he should make other arrangements. You would hate for him to be more expectant or make you feel more uncomfortable or worse.
I would stick by the women, and if necessary, switch up your meeting schedule. There are a lot of unsavory folks out there looking to take advantage, even if they aren't evil folks, just misunderstanding their own boundary issues. But, it's your comfort and stress I'm much more worried about, and I'm sure he'll be just fine.
I would stick by the women, and if necessary, switch up your meeting schedule. There are a lot of unsavory folks out there looking to take advantage, even if they aren't evil folks, just misunderstanding their own boundary issues. But, it's your comfort and stress I'm much more worried about, and I'm sure he'll be just fine.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 39
I definitely would avoid him and not give him a ride home again. His behavior is totally unacceptable. I would just tell him "no" next time. You don't owe him an explanation. Engaging a person like that in conversation sometimes just make it worse anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Bradenton, Florida
Posts: 32
If you are uncomfortable then stray away. I do think it is wrong for him to hit on you especially when you're going to meetings to get sober, not to look for a date or start a new relationship. If he continues to bother you in the way stated above, then tell him nicely to leave you alone.
If he doesn't stop then like least said tell someone in the group. If that doesn't work then try and find a new place where AA meetings are held. I doubt you want to find another place where meetings are held though since you're probably in your comfort zone when at meetings.
Good luck getting him off your back!
If he doesn't stop then like least said tell someone in the group. If that doesn't work then try and find a new place where AA meetings are held. I doubt you want to find another place where meetings are held though since you're probably in your comfort zone when at meetings.
Good luck getting him off your back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 60
Thank you all so much for your advice, its so lovely to know that you guys care. I am taking on board everything you have all said. If he asks again I am going to say No I can't and not offer an explaination as I don't have to justify my decision. I think for me I want everyone to like me and I hate conflict and confrontation but I have to accept that I don't live in a pink and fluffy world of niceness. My sobriety is the most important thing in my life and it has to come first above all else.
I am going to sort out a sponsor as soon as and work my program. I wish you all the best and I will let you know how I get on.
xx
I am going to sort out a sponsor as soon as and work my program. I wish you all the best and I will let you know how I get on.
xx
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by positivelady67
If he asks again I am going to say No I can't and not offer an explaination as I don't have to justify my decision.
I love what you said about not having to justify your decision. It was a great lesson for me and I really feel a freedom now that I don't feel the need to do that.
I spent many years in and out of AA, never getting a sponsor or really taking anything very seriously. I could not stay sober.
Getting a sponsor made a huge difference for me. Huge. It is the only way I was able to work the steps and start getting better.
If you're fearful about getting a sponsor, don't be. Know that most of us had some fear about it. It's normal but unnecessary. Find a woman who has what you want and get started!
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Hi PositiveLady. It saddens me that even in a place where we are supposed to feel comfortable and accepted, there are still people who will prey on us and try to take advantage of us.
To me this just goes to show why it is important for us to start taking care of ourselves and set our own boundaries. I have problems with this and from what I read on this site, it is common for us alcoholics to have a hard time saying no, letting people down, not being "nice" to people etc. Sometimes issues of alcoholism overlap with issues of low self-esteem and/or co-dependency etc. Because when I think about that situation logically I know the thing to do would have been to say "no thanks, I don't give rides to strangers," or at least to have yelled at him when he kissed you and to say BACK OFF and LEAVE ME ALONE. But I know that I wouldn't be able to do that because I am too worried about what other people think.
What others have said here is true, that as you start practicing standing up for yourself and taking care of yourself, your sense of self will grow and it will become easier with time, and you'll feel much better. For me at this moment it feels just as important for me to take care of myself and stand up for myself as it is to not drink. I believe I turned to alcohol to escape myself and my life/problems, and now I have to face them head on, and realize that I am the only person I can control and so I have to look out for myself and do what is best for me.
I was in AA for months and it helped me, I didn't drink, I felt included etc. But I didn't learn how to put myself first and I am still learning that and working on that. I would get offended by things people did or said in AA, or if my sponsor wasn't constantly there, etc... to me no matter what program we use it all comes down to learning what is best for us and how to live the kind of lives we truly want to live, which includes gaining self-respect and learning about setting boundaries. Perhaps the program of AA teaches this (I can see it in the "give me courage to change the things that I can" part of the Serenity Prayer, for example), but for me there was a lot of talk about helping other people and curing our defects [similar to what I had been taught in church, which I think is where I got my idea that other people were better than me and I should be meek and turn the other cheek etc.-- not saying this is what AA says but it just resonated badly with me due to my upbringing I guess] that made me feel worse about myself instead of better, so that is one of the issues I had with AA I guess.
Anyway I am really not trying to speak badly about AA because I think it is a good program that helps a lot of people and it helped me and maybe I will go back, maybe not but right now (I have 3 weeks of sobriety this time, last time I had 75 months of not drinking), I am focusing on what I can change about my life and myself in addition to not drinking, and it has been working wonders for me. Obviously I have to not drink in order to be able to face reality/other people and have the clarity to work on myself, but I also think a key component is really taking action to work on myself and face life.
Sorry for rambling so much, I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well, but your post really hit home for me and I think you are on the right track to just tell him NO and look out for yourself instead of looking after the feelings of this guy who is clearly preying on you-- he is not worth it, you are!!! Best wishes and congrats on your sober time.
To me this just goes to show why it is important for us to start taking care of ourselves and set our own boundaries. I have problems with this and from what I read on this site, it is common for us alcoholics to have a hard time saying no, letting people down, not being "nice" to people etc. Sometimes issues of alcoholism overlap with issues of low self-esteem and/or co-dependency etc. Because when I think about that situation logically I know the thing to do would have been to say "no thanks, I don't give rides to strangers," or at least to have yelled at him when he kissed you and to say BACK OFF and LEAVE ME ALONE. But I know that I wouldn't be able to do that because I am too worried about what other people think.
What others have said here is true, that as you start practicing standing up for yourself and taking care of yourself, your sense of self will grow and it will become easier with time, and you'll feel much better. For me at this moment it feels just as important for me to take care of myself and stand up for myself as it is to not drink. I believe I turned to alcohol to escape myself and my life/problems, and now I have to face them head on, and realize that I am the only person I can control and so I have to look out for myself and do what is best for me.
I was in AA for months and it helped me, I didn't drink, I felt included etc. But I didn't learn how to put myself first and I am still learning that and working on that. I would get offended by things people did or said in AA, or if my sponsor wasn't constantly there, etc... to me no matter what program we use it all comes down to learning what is best for us and how to live the kind of lives we truly want to live, which includes gaining self-respect and learning about setting boundaries. Perhaps the program of AA teaches this (I can see it in the "give me courage to change the things that I can" part of the Serenity Prayer, for example), but for me there was a lot of talk about helping other people and curing our defects [similar to what I had been taught in church, which I think is where I got my idea that other people were better than me and I should be meek and turn the other cheek etc.-- not saying this is what AA says but it just resonated badly with me due to my upbringing I guess] that made me feel worse about myself instead of better, so that is one of the issues I had with AA I guess.
Anyway I am really not trying to speak badly about AA because I think it is a good program that helps a lot of people and it helped me and maybe I will go back, maybe not but right now (I have 3 weeks of sobriety this time, last time I had 75 months of not drinking), I am focusing on what I can change about my life and myself in addition to not drinking, and it has been working wonders for me. Obviously I have to not drink in order to be able to face reality/other people and have the clarity to work on myself, but I also think a key component is really taking action to work on myself and face life.
Sorry for rambling so much, I'm not sure I'm expressing myself very well, but your post really hit home for me and I think you are on the right track to just tell him NO and look out for yourself instead of looking after the feelings of this guy who is clearly preying on you-- he is not worth it, you are!!! Best wishes and congrats on your sober time.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
At work, the saying goes: "Don't get your meat where you get your bread!" Since this is recovery work, the same goes for 13th Stepping. It's 13 for a reason!
A twist on a recovery saying: "You don't get your 'hardware' at the bread store!"
Your decision to say "no, thanks" politely is great. If he balks, you also might tell him that your meetings are for recovery work Alone!
Pigtails: At the core of the Al-Anon 12-Step program is keeping the focus on you. Putting you & your growth first. Being comfortable and accepted too! You may want to give that program a try. Lots of AA folks in Al-Anon meetings too ("double winners"), and the healthy ones often prefer them to (but don't skip) AA meetings.
A twist on a recovery saying: "You don't get your 'hardware' at the bread store!"
Your decision to say "no, thanks" politely is great. If he balks, you also might tell him that your meetings are for recovery work Alone!
Pigtails: At the core of the Al-Anon 12-Step program is keeping the focus on you. Putting you & your growth first. Being comfortable and accepted too! You may want to give that program a try. Lots of AA folks in Al-Anon meetings too ("double winners"), and the healthy ones often prefer them to (but don't skip) AA meetings.
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