New here - have I gone insane?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by 773niki 
Hey there,
So, I am 30. Started drinking regularly at 20 and became a morning vodka shot drinker to "start may day" by 24. I was able to function normally for a few years, but it was a downward spiral. I moved from Chicago to Boston on a drunken whim when I was 25. I got a great job but got fired 3 years later because I drank at work and the "buzz" that I used to feel that kept me "alive" wore off and made me unproductive and irritable and just a drunk. I went to rehab and played the "on/off wagon" game for 2 years. During that time, I knew better but I always wanted to learn how to control my drinking, but as a true alcoholic, I cannot do that. I perhaps can for a night or two - a week or two - but not long term. I buy more, more, more and drink more more more to get drunker.
This last year has been tough. It's a progressive disease, and I never understood what that meant until recently. I used to drink and be happier, more comfortable in my skin. This past year, I drank until I alienated everyone. I lied to everyone who loves me (and I'm talking elaborate, terrible people lies that I'm not even ready to face now that I am sober.) I am ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior. I look back to just a month ago when all this happened and I want to hit myself over the head.
I became someone I hated. I hated waking up and having to drink so I don't shake and puke. I had to keep lying and lying. I fought with everyone. I dug up past demons that were buried and have burned many bridges with my family. They are over me. They know my struggle, they know I went to rehab, they do not have addiction problems so they do not understand but they are over it. I don't know how I'm going to end up repairing those relationships but hopefully one day I will.
I'll tell you this - if you wrote that post and you are honest with yourself, you will know that you are not a bad person and that the booze makes you a bad person. If that is the case, and you want to be a better person - the real you - you have to stop drinking. It's not simple. It's the toughest thing people like us will ever do - and it's SO HARD in the beginning, but after a few weeks of clear-headedness, you almost feel a sense of empowerment. You can be sober and succeed and perhaps even be happy.
If I were you, I would tough it out. Expect a crappy few weeks to get all this **** out of your system and move on from there. Drinking is so progressive...I never again caught the original buzz that I loved so much and I've been chasing it for years and hurt alot of people along the way.
One last thing - waking up and not having to worry about what you did or said the night before is a phenominal feeling. Try it. You may get addicted to that.
Good luck!
So, I am 30. Started drinking regularly at 20 and became a morning vodka shot drinker to "start may day" by 24. I was able to function normally for a few years, but it was a downward spiral. I moved from Chicago to Boston on a drunken whim when I was 25. I got a great job but got fired 3 years later because I drank at work and the "buzz" that I used to feel that kept me "alive" wore off and made me unproductive and irritable and just a drunk. I went to rehab and played the "on/off wagon" game for 2 years. During that time, I knew better but I always wanted to learn how to control my drinking, but as a true alcoholic, I cannot do that. I perhaps can for a night or two - a week or two - but not long term. I buy more, more, more and drink more more more to get drunker.
This last year has been tough. It's a progressive disease, and I never understood what that meant until recently. I used to drink and be happier, more comfortable in my skin. This past year, I drank until I alienated everyone. I lied to everyone who loves me (and I'm talking elaborate, terrible people lies that I'm not even ready to face now that I am sober.) I am ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior. I look back to just a month ago when all this happened and I want to hit myself over the head.
I became someone I hated. I hated waking up and having to drink so I don't shake and puke. I had to keep lying and lying. I fought with everyone. I dug up past demons that were buried and have burned many bridges with my family. They are over me. They know my struggle, they know I went to rehab, they do not have addiction problems so they do not understand but they are over it. I don't know how I'm going to end up repairing those relationships but hopefully one day I will.
I'll tell you this - if you wrote that post and you are honest with yourself, you will know that you are not a bad person and that the booze makes you a bad person. If that is the case, and you want to be a better person - the real you - you have to stop drinking. It's not simple. It's the toughest thing people like us will ever do - and it's SO HARD in the beginning, but after a few weeks of clear-headedness, you almost feel a sense of empowerment. You can be sober and succeed and perhaps even be happy.
If I were you, I would tough it out. Expect a crappy few weeks to get all this **** out of your system and move on from there. Drinking is so progressive...I never again caught the original buzz that I loved so much and I've been chasing it for years and hurt alot of people along the way.
One last thing - waking up and not having to worry about what you did or said the night before is a phenominal feeling. Try it. You may get addicted to that.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 150
No problem. One other thing - because it was so hard for me to stop, I started taking Antabuse - which is a drug that doesn't allow for the breakdown/metabolizing of alcohol. It stays in your system for up to 2 weeks, so if you take a pill today, you really can't drink for up to 14 days. I've tested it and tried to drink and never felt more like I was going to die in my life. By taking this pill, I allowed my impulsive habits to cease...even if I wanted to drink, I could not drink. The way it makes you feel is absolutely insane. My face was as red as a beat, sweat was pouring off me, my heart was beating out of my chest and I seriously to God thought I would die. This is from taking one shot of vodka 5 days after I had taken a pill.
Just a thought - because ANtabuse helped me to stop thinking about it. It made the choice to drink obsolete. It helped clear my mind of the "should I/shouldn't I" game because you just can't. The problem is continually taking the pill...there were quite a few times when I planned a relapse - which had to wait a week because I had to flush the pill out.
Either way, this is totally a mental thing, but taking the possibility out of the equation really helped me alot. I'm back on it now, just to make drinking an impossibility.
Just thought I'd throw it out there.
Just a thought - because ANtabuse helped me to stop thinking about it. It made the choice to drink obsolete. It helped clear my mind of the "should I/shouldn't I" game because you just can't. The problem is continually taking the pill...there were quite a few times when I planned a relapse - which had to wait a week because I had to flush the pill out.
Either way, this is totally a mental thing, but taking the possibility out of the equation really helped me alot. I'm back on it now, just to make drinking an impossibility.
Just thought I'd throw it out there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Southeast US
Posts: 332
That's a remarkable story, niki. I can see how your struggle can and will help a lot of people see the truth about alcohol abuse. Honestly, I'm inspired by your willingness to share that with us, people you don't even know, on SR.
WhySoSerious, keep sharing with us here. You can make the change you've been waiting for if you're willing to keep fighting for a better life.
All the best to you.
WhySoSerious, keep sharing with us here. You can make the change you've been waiting for if you're willing to keep fighting for a better life.
All the best to you.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by WhySoSerious481
I don't know why I'm like this.
As for "why" - maybe it's pretty simple: maybe you passed from problem drinking into alcoholism. That term, alcoholism, as I'm using it is far more than just an "I drink too much" problem.
If drinking too much is your problem, then not drinking is the solution. If "just not drinking" doesn't seem to even come close to solving your problems.......then it's quite possible you're an alcoholic with alcoholism, not just someone with a drinking problem.
If alcoholISM (like I have.....and as I'm using the term) is your problem, then all those "issues" are traceable back to that. I used to think alcoholism was just a drinking-too-much deal. I've come to see that it's a heck of a lot more than just that for many MANY of us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 22
Whysoserious, I feel like we've been brought to the forums and to sobriety for the same reasons. Everyone around me, including myself, thought I was going completely mad. I'm only a little over a week sober, but I'm looking back at the past 6 months and am in complete awe of the damage control I need to do to get my life back on track.
I believe in myself and I believe you can, too. Best of luck to you.
I believe in myself and I believe you can, too. Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NC
Posts: 37
Hi WSS I am new here as well and I totally can relate to not remembering conversations it feels awful I have in a drunken stupor invited someone over for a future get together forgot I invited them and had to play it off like I knew all along I were to be expecting them over that day ugh the shame and embarassment of it makes me want to stick my head in the ground it feels good to be able to admit our faults with drinking we are actually cleansing ourselves by doing so I believe
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