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Old 08-20-2012, 08:25 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New here - have I gone insane?


I'm very concerned and disappointed by my actions lately. I once was a pretty normal guy, I had dreams, ambitions, people thought I was kind and thoughtful. That person may not exist anymore. I started drinking heavily about 12 years ago, but it has progressed to a level that is starting to really scare me. I don't really know who I am anymore. I can tell myself it's just partying and just fun on the weekends, but that would be a lie at this point. The way I treat other people, including my parents, is troublesome. I'm not the nice guy I once was. I womanize, I binge, I step on anyone I can. People are angered by what I do but it rarely deters me. I didn't used to be like this. Maybe I have become a crazy person, but it's hard for me to think that when I am still capable of rational thoughts, still capable of functioning in society and doing good things. But the blackouts, the conversations I don't remember, the bad things I do need to end. I just don't have any answers and I'm getting a bit worried. I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe nobody could know. I hope I've found a place where others may understand what I'm struggling with. That's all. Any answers are appreciated, thanks.
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Well, you're in the right place, WhySoSerious. We're all struggling w/ what alcohol and/or drugs have done to our lives and those we love. We each have to find our own answers, but there are plenty of great people here who can help direct you. Check around on different posts and groups, etc., and people will be posting here as well. You're not alone Welcome to the group.
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:35 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Welcome to Sr
WhySoSerious
There are many here who have been where you are abd felt what you are feeling. Almost 8 months ago I stumbled into SR not believing for a moment I could stay sober a week. I did.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you get what you are looking for, I found alot of really great people to help me on my journey.
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome WhySoSerious -

I think you'll find a lot of people here who can relate..... I felt like I got my sanity back (as well as my soul) after I got sober. That great guy is still who you are - it's just being covered up and warped with alcohol.

It's good that you're looking at this and reaching out for help - You really can get your life back!
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by karilynn27 View Post
Welcome to Sr
WhySoSerious
There are many here who have been where you are abd felt what you are feeling. Almost 8 months ago I stumbled into SR not believing for a moment I could stay sober a week. I did.
I'm glad you joined us and hope you get what you are looking for, I found alot of really great people to help me on my journey.
Yeah, I would like to change, sometimes I wonder if what I have cannot be fixed. I didn't want to be like this, but now I have for so long. Maybe this is just how I am. Depressing.......
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Old 08-20-2012, 08:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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This is not who you are, I thought at the time that I was defective. Probably nuts. I came here a suicidal mess. That is not me, this is not you. this is what alcohol has done to you and how it wants to steal your sanity and your life. You can do this. I had to do it minute by minute and will live the rest of my life One day at a time. I couldn't see a life without alcohol. I did reach out on here and buried myself in this sight. I was drawn to those who seemed to be succesful.So many success stories here.
Don't let alcohol fool you, You are a gift.
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Old 08-20-2012, 09:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Are you at all familiar with the 12 steps of AA? The first two directly relate to this concept. See below. Most of us here on SR have done things that could only be viewed as insane. I truly believe I am one of the most moral, honest people out there. But not when drinking. That all goes out the window. When I am active, the ONLY important thing is getting and consuming alcohol. Nothing else mattered. Nothing.
Do not give up on yourself. I have almost 90 days and am doing well today. My dh and I were talking today and he said that he knew I (the good, sober me) was somewhere inside there. "There" being inside the different person I was when drinking. Thank god that person is finally back. I will fight tooth and nail every day to make sure she stays.

Step 1:We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step 2:Came to believe that only a power greater than us could restore us to sanity.

Don't worry about having all of the answers. Focus on the most important one: do I really want to stop drinking? Once you've answered that one...then you can focus on the how.
There are many methods or combinations of methods that have worked for people here and that can work for you too. Don't give up.
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Old 08-20-2012, 09:27 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome aboard.

Oh yea I can relate to a lot of your story. .. I also started as its a party, live to drink was fun for about 15 years. Then without me realizing ithad become drink to live every waking moment.


The 12steps and being a member of AA , has shown me a way to live without that way. And quite happily I must say.

Keep coming on reading and posting . ..
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Old 08-20-2012, 09:33 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome WhySoSerious. I have heard many times in the rooms of AA that alcoholism is the only disease in the world that will tell you you're doing fine as it kills you. It's death by a thousand cuts, one drink at a time and it will take everything from you that you hold dear before it's done.
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Old 08-20-2012, 09:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Just to provide another perspective here, AA is but one program one can go through to achieve a state of sobriety and recovery from a life of addiction. For some, AVRT or self-rehab has achieved results. The point remains that you've come to the right place. There are so many people here who will read your story with an open mind and share with you their own insights.

What you shared at the beginning looked pretty familiar: I didn't feel like I knew who I was just a few short months ago. Quitting drinking and joining this community have made such a huge difference in my life since then. Stay with us and grow us, and don't stop trying, don't stop fighting for yourself, and for a better life.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 08-20-2012, 10:24 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I feel very much the same today, it seems its a good day for a fresh start
I hope your day goes as well as possible
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so yesterday was the begining again, but im still fine TODAY..
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Old 08-20-2012, 10:40 PM   #12 (permalink)
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@Blueshades your doing awesome ..... Keep it up.
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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The person I became as an active alcoholic was horrible, I look back now with disgust sometimes about how I treated myself and people close to me..luckily it wasn't my true self, quitting the alcohol and adding bunch of other work I rediscovered how kind, honest and happy I can really be. Glad that you're here
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:30 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I don't know if you've gone insane but I certainly have!
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:30 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I also hated the person I had become. She was a stranger to me. I am so grateful to have found peace in my life, and you can too. Stopping drinking and working on your recovery will give you hope and opportunity to be the person you want to be.
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:38 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome! Your post is an amazing start. SR can be a fantastic help in your new journey!
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:39 AM   #17 (permalink)
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The sober me was always a good person, however he was lost in cleaning up the messes, the lies, the deceit that the drunk me created. The drunk me is not s good person, and needed to be controlled. I've been sober for a small amount of time(32 days) and I can honestly say its been an amazing journey so far. No more lieing, no more uncertainty over what I did, how much I spent, where I was the night before. Still a lot of work to do, but feel so much better. Why so, I convinced myself I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't drink everyday, could have two or three and stop,could go months without it, Yada,Yada. That all blew up on me and now I won't listen to that demon inside telling me it will be ok, it won't... I cannot and will not have that first drink...
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:48 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR WhySoSerious-glad you found us. SR will help you regain your sanity. People that have problems with alcohol are often filled with self loathing, shame, guilt, and a feeling of helplessness. None of us like who we are drunk (yet we keep on remembering the happy drinking times, which are not the norm for most of us). Just the fact that you're concerned about your actions and seeking help shows that the nice guy is still in there struggling to get out again and can prevail.

Take it in small steps at a time. Be kind to yourself, you'll be learning a new lifestyle and it's not easy. If you have been treating people badly, they'll welcome the change, and probably give you a lot of support. They probably already know you have a drinking problem and want to help you. Come here often to vent, share how you're doing,etc. Safety in numbers
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:51 AM   #19 (permalink)
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WOW! 32 days is fantastic! You are 2 days ahead of me. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
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Old 08-21-2012, 06:57 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Understand completely

Hey there,
So, I am 30. Started drinking regularly at 20 and became a morning vodka shot drinker to "start may day" by 24. I was able to function normally for a few years, but it was a downward spiral. I moved from Chicago to Boston on a drunken whim when I was 25. I got a great job but got fired 3 years later because I drank at work and the "buzz" that I used to feel that kept me "alive" wore off and made me unproductive and irritable and just a drunk. I went to rehab and played the "on/off wagon" game for 2 years. During that time, I knew better but I always wanted to learn how to control my drinking, but as a true alcoholic, I cannot do that. I perhaps can for a night or two - a week or two - but not long term. I buy more, more, more and drink more more more to get drunker.

This last year has been tough. It's a progressive disease, and I never understood what that meant until recently. I used to drink and be happier, more comfortable in my skin. This past year, I drank until I alienated everyone. I lied to everyone who loves me (and I'm talking elaborate, terrible people lies that I'm not even ready to face now that I am sober.) I am ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior. I look back to just a month ago when all this happened and I want to hit myself over the head.

I became someone I hated. I hated waking up and having to drink so I don't shake and puke. I had to keep lying and lying. I fought with everyone. I dug up past demons that were buried and have burned many bridges with my family. They are over me. They know my struggle, they know I went to rehab, they do not have addiction problems so they do not understand but they are over it. I don't know how I'm going to end up repairing those relationships but hopefully one day I will.

I'll tell you this - if you wrote that post and you are honest with yourself, you will know that you are not a bad person and that the booze makes you a bad person. If that is the case, and you want to be a better person - the real you - you have to stop drinking. It's not simple. It's the toughest thing people like us will ever do - and it's SO HARD in the beginning, but after a few weeks of clear-headedness, you almost feel a sense of empowerment. You can be sober and succeed and perhaps even be happy.

If I were you, I would tough it out. Expect a crappy few weeks to get all this **** out of your system and move on from there. Drinking is so progressive...I never again caught the original buzz that I loved so much and I've been chasing it for years and hurt alot of people along the way.

One last thing - waking up and not having to worry about what you did or said the night before is a phenominal feeling. Try it. You may get addicted to that.

Good luck!
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