BobDracula

I'm sitting here at work, just gone 1pm. I had a large rum and coke for breakfast and drank a full bottle of wine when I got here. I went to the supermarket and at 11am and drank another full bottle of wine there. I went back at half twelve and I'm sitting in front of my computer with a full glass of wine ready to be drunk. I'm not sure how I'm getting away with this but as long as I am I'm going to keep doing it. It's just so easy to say f*ck it and pour the stuff down my neck but I know it's not right. I know I'm not right. I really can't see myself stopping drinking, if I cut it out completely I just bounce back into it harder than ever. My wife knows that I "sneaky drink" but I'm scared of telling her the full truth, I have to stop myself but I don't know the best way of going about it.

instant

Hi Bob. Glad you dropped by. I finally found a way out of what was for me a prison of struggle, anguish and torment.

I dreaded even the idea of giving up- sent me into a cold sweat. Tried before and failed every time.

Two days shy of 15 months sober- I see a future without alcohol as a blessing. I now have hope, not fear and despair.

jennikate

Hi BobDracula,

Wow, I'm surprised you can even type with that much alcohol in your system. This has been going on awhile? All I can say is that for me, the disease did get worse and worse over time. You're right-it does get worse every time you relapse. It got to the point where it really couldn't get much worse. So I stopped.
The sneaky drinking is really just an illusion. It doesn't really matter who you're fooling. Inside, you know you're doing it. It's hurting you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Are you ready to stop? On one hand, you say that you will keep doing it as long as you can get away with it. Then you say you know you have to stop. There's knowing and there's knowing. In other words, you can intellectually look at the situation and see the insanity of it and "know" it has to stop. And then there's the gut deep desperate level in which you "know" it has to stop. Kind of hard to put into words but for a long time, I knew that it couldn't go on but until I knew that I couldn't go on, that it was me (my soul) or the alcohol, nothing changed.
Also, it seems that in one line, you are thinking of trying to moderate.-"if I cut it out completely". Do you think you could do that? I sure couldn't. For me, it's all or nothing.
If you are ready, the best approach, IMHO, would be to contact a dr. Withdrawing from that much alcohol requires medical supervision.
All that being said, this is a great website for support and information.

BobDracula

I just don't know how to get to the point where I say "right, that's it, no more alcohol" I didn't realise how weak I was till I got to this point.

sugarbear1

Bob, I agree with Instant, who has 1 day more than me.

So, it can be done, this giving up our comfort. I'd start with seeing a doctor, cold turkey can put a body in shock.

I work AA, but there is also AVRT, Rational Recovery, SMART, LifeRing, SOS, Women for Sobriety (probably not your cup of tea) to name some programs.

It will take work, but you can stay stopped, too.

Are you ready to give it up? Just for today. One day after the next. It can be done.

Welcome to SR! Glad you are here!

fallingtogether

You'll get to THAT point bob, for me that point was the endless cycle of feeling terrible about what my drinking had done to me emotionally, and chasing those feelings away with a few sneaky drinks, that I thought no one knew about, and then drinking myself further into the hole that day. I fed my desperation and sadness with more drinks, the mere cause of the problem in the first place. Glad you have made your way to sr! it can get better!

2granddaughters

Hello Bob:

I suggest you Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous". See if you can identify.

All the best.

Bob R (in the Colonies)

jennikate

Hi Bob,

I know what you mean. I think we all do. It's not an easy task, that's for sure. I was totally terrified and could not imagine a life without alcohol. I put myself and my family through the wringer-psych ward, car accidents, drinking at work, passing out for days (basically getting up only to replenish my supply), detox, rehab, etc. I can't really say how I got to the place where I finally got the no more alcohol idea. I just know that if I drink again (even one drink), it will be the death of me.
For my step work, I am writing about the "yets". For example, "I didn't lose my job yet"..."I'm not divorced yet". This brings home the idea that all of the negative effects of alcohol on one's life are just around the corner. They just haven't happened yet.
Really, I've found, that nobody else can decide when it is time to stop drinking. And you can't do it for anyone else. It's an inside job. It's up to you.

neferkamichael

BobDracula, you sound like me for the last 8 years of my drinking career, but I'm now 2 years 1 month sober, so if I can do it so can you.

john44

Not weak, sick. I thought I knew a lot about alcohol and alcoholism (and I do) but reading the book "Under The Influence" has really opened my eyes.

As has been said; if you do quit, please get medical attention. Alcohol withdrawal can be deadly. Detoxing medically is safer and much more comfortable.

Peaches2012

Hi Bob,
I also started my day with a large drink then continued sneaky drinking at work .Seven months ago i actually blackout at 2pm so im told whilst at work . Well i was obviously dismissed , thats didnt stop me i went on a week long vodka bender.My partner had come to the end of his tether and gave me the ultimatum ,him or vodka.
I lasted a whole month without a drop of the stuff , secured myself another great job .Needless to say i thought i could social drink again (4 weeks into the new job ). By the 7th week i was back to morning drinking and blacked out after sneaky drinking vodka at 4pm Again dismissed
Did that stop me NO , 2 weeks later with no memory , family , friends filled me in on the blanks .The shame ,humiliation and feeling like i was dying i made the decision enough was enough.
Went cold turkey which i wouldnt reccommend (seek advise and help from your doctor), after the 1st dry week i started AA with the support from my family and partner.

To start it was really hard i struggled ,but its been worth it.
Today is 6weeks for me . I look better, feel better im more positive . My relationship is stronger. I m applying for jobs and feel confident .

Give , giving up a chance .One day at a time .

Goodluck and welcome

Peaches

RobbyRobot

When being drunk dosen't work well enough for you, you'll know how to quit enough to stop long enough to know its got you by the short hairs. We just pretend we don't know this and that, out of fears, because in the knowing comes the changing.

For some, just quitting is change enough. For others, more is required. No matter. When the drinking stops, change happens either way.

As we hook up with the process of not drinking, we have an internal ongoing experience of addiction ambivalence... wanting and not wanting alcohol/drugs...

There are many choices, as shared in the thread, to move forward with to deal with ambivalence.

Whether its a sickness or not, we dont have to present to ourselves as weak. There is absolutely nothing weak about facing ourselves and quitting abusing alcohol. Absolutely Nothing. Nada. Zero.

We're all heroes when we quit. Each and every one of us.

LoftyIdeals

Welcome to SR, Bob. I think many of us have had the same questions you are expressing: how did this happen? why does this happen?

I'm glad you are having a wake-up call. It's necessary to change your life. And you have the right, the power, and the means to change your life. Literally, right at your fingertips. What only you can decide is whether you have the will and desire. If you do, read up here on SR, and be aware of what you will go through for the first several months. Strengthen your resolve. Read books, talk to sober people, whatever it takes.

What I can tell you is that you are 100% correct in questioning your drinking. What I wish I could show you is how magnificent and rewarding life becomes in sobriety, when you will yourself through the initial roadblocks.

Many folks find a program helpful. I tend to use an amalgamation of many programs, but I don't recommend it, as it took me 3 decades to find the combination that works.

SR is a big factor in that combination. Keep posting, keep reading. You'll be glad you did.