When thinking feels the same as doing
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Weasel
Rather than quote your whole post, I'll leave it at "I can identify."
Deciding to yet not doing is NOT the same as deciding to and following through. I made up my mind to do blow or ecstasy many times in my first year of sobriety. I'd rationalize that I'm a real alkie but not a real drug addict so doing some coke would be ok...... I'd usually make these decisions in the morning. Oddly enough, most of them came in the shower getting ready for work. By the time the evening would roll around I'd notice that thought didn't occur to me again after my morning shower. It was like, I'd decide to do that stuff in one of the places (the shower) where it was absolutely impossible for me to do it. The AA book has a line that reads "placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected." I see now, that's precisely what was happening.
I'm just like you in the "can't go easy on myself" deal. It's quite simply not a skill I knew anything at all about. Actually, I knew ABOUT it but I had little to no experience with it. It was all head-knowledge.....but I had no real clue how to actually implement it in my life. I used to hear that old one-liner: "Quit putting quarters in the ass-kicking machine, Mike." and I'd seriously want to hit the person saying it......lol. Hell, if I knew how to stop doing that I probably wouldn't need to be in recovery in the first place!!!
It took a lot of practice just to get to kindergarten level acceptance of myself. All along ppl would be telling me how I reeeeeeeally needed to go easier on myself and each time I'd hear it I'd hate myself a little more for not being nicer to me...... This was one of those areas where I had to find a couple close confidants, share with them, and ignore EVERYone else because I just couldn't take all the conversations and all the conflicting advice. I only mention it because this was a particularly sticky deal for me in my first couple years and it seems it might be an issue for you too.
And again, NOT drinking is waaaaaaaaay better than deciding to but not following through. Light-years better. On the flip side, I know what you're saying..... How long can this go on before I eventually fall? How many times can I decide to get loaded and dodge the bullet? IMO and in my experience, not "too" long. Can't set a definite time though - different for everyone. For me......it was these continued thoughts that helped light a fire under my butt and start taking sobriety and recovery seriously. I finally started making sobriety/recovery a priority. I had to quit saying it was a priority but not living those words......and start putting my actions where my thoughts were.
Did ya catch that? Thoughts (or decisions) are relatively meaningless without actions to back them up. The good news is, you can decide to get loaded but then NOT get loaded.......yay. The bad news is, you can decide to recover but then do nothing about it. Guess what happens in that scenario? NO recovery..... and then you DO go back out again.
Keep plugging along.......keep trying to look for what you need to let go of (old ideas and/or old beliefs)......and keep searching for a better life. I can promise you it's available -- whether you THINK you deserve it or not.
Rather than quote your whole post, I'll leave it at "I can identify."
Deciding to yet not doing is NOT the same as deciding to and following through. I made up my mind to do blow or ecstasy many times in my first year of sobriety. I'd rationalize that I'm a real alkie but not a real drug addict so doing some coke would be ok...... I'd usually make these decisions in the morning. Oddly enough, most of them came in the shower getting ready for work. By the time the evening would roll around I'd notice that thought didn't occur to me again after my morning shower. It was like, I'd decide to do that stuff in one of the places (the shower) where it was absolutely impossible for me to do it. The AA book has a line that reads "placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected." I see now, that's precisely what was happening.
I'm just like you in the "can't go easy on myself" deal. It's quite simply not a skill I knew anything at all about. Actually, I knew ABOUT it but I had little to no experience with it. It was all head-knowledge.....but I had no real clue how to actually implement it in my life. I used to hear that old one-liner: "Quit putting quarters in the ass-kicking machine, Mike." and I'd seriously want to hit the person saying it......lol. Hell, if I knew how to stop doing that I probably wouldn't need to be in recovery in the first place!!!
It took a lot of practice just to get to kindergarten level acceptance of myself. All along ppl would be telling me how I reeeeeeeally needed to go easier on myself and each time I'd hear it I'd hate myself a little more for not being nicer to me...... This was one of those areas where I had to find a couple close confidants, share with them, and ignore EVERYone else because I just couldn't take all the conversations and all the conflicting advice. I only mention it because this was a particularly sticky deal for me in my first couple years and it seems it might be an issue for you too.
And again, NOT drinking is waaaaaaaaay better than deciding to but not following through. Light-years better. On the flip side, I know what you're saying..... How long can this go on before I eventually fall? How many times can I decide to get loaded and dodge the bullet? IMO and in my experience, not "too" long. Can't set a definite time though - different for everyone. For me......it was these continued thoughts that helped light a fire under my butt and start taking sobriety and recovery seriously. I finally started making sobriety/recovery a priority. I had to quit saying it was a priority but not living those words......and start putting my actions where my thoughts were.
Did ya catch that? Thoughts (or decisions) are relatively meaningless without actions to back them up. The good news is, you can decide to get loaded but then NOT get loaded.......yay. The bad news is, you can decide to recover but then do nothing about it. Guess what happens in that scenario? NO recovery..... and then you DO go back out again.
Keep plugging along.......keep trying to look for what you need to let go of (old ideas and/or old beliefs)......and keep searching for a better life. I can promise you it's available -- whether you THINK you deserve it or not.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Thank you!
If this was a situation of I thought of something and then beat myself silly over it I can understand that's stupid.
I full on made the decision to drink but circumstances perverted it. Not me. That's a bit more than beating down a craving. That was I will do this but the end result was I didn't.
So to me having made the choicebut could not execute is a failure. No two ways about it.
It's not trying to be perfect. I accept I am not and love my flaws.... Well most of them.... If I have any I mean....
It's like attempted murder.... The intent was there but I am just bad a shooting the gun so they lived.
I do hear everyone. And you may not see it like I do.... But honestly.... I have moved on already. I see the silliness in my post as the day has worn on. And your kind folks pointing out the flawed logic.
Thank you day trader! And everyone!
If this was a situation of I thought of something and then beat myself silly over it I can understand that's stupid.
I full on made the decision to drink but circumstances perverted it. Not me. That's a bit more than beating down a craving. That was I will do this but the end result was I didn't.
So to me having made the choicebut could not execute is a failure. No two ways about it.
It's not trying to be perfect. I accept I am not and love my flaws.... Well most of them.... If I have any I mean....
It's like attempted murder.... The intent was there but I am just bad a shooting the gun so they lived.
I do hear everyone. And you may not see it like I do.... But honestly.... I have moved on already. I see the silliness in my post as the day has worn on. And your kind folks pointing out the flawed logic.
Thank you day trader! And everyone!
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
In my head it was decided. I was going to drink. I wanted to do coke. Why didn't I? I don't know.
Is the mere decision enough to be considered a failure? It is to me.
Life is thought.
I can change my state of mind and in turn I can change my world.
So I feel bad for what I so badly wanted and came so close to doing Because in my mind nothing is changing yet.
Is the mere decision enough to be considered a failure? It is to me.
Life is thought.
I can change my state of mind and in turn I can change my world.
So I feel bad for what I so badly wanted and came so close to doing Because in my mind nothing is changing yet.
Of course this is a victory. The war is not over, but that battle was won. Of course things have changed, your behavior is proof. The AV is conflating past behavior and actions with your using in the present, and engaging in that fight is a mug's game.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Weasel1966 
I full on made the decision to drink but circumstances perverted it. Not me. That's a bit more than beating down a craving. That was I will do this but the end result was I didn't.
I had enough of those same things happen to me that, eventually, I had to consider that maaaaybe "something" was, all of a sudden, keeping me from drinking or getting high again.
At first, I didn't even want to consider the possibility that anything but mighty-me and my mind could be in affecting my sobriety......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 526
Originally Posted by freshstart57
Parsing the AV here is a mess, Ken. AV is telling you that it decided to use yesterday, and is using that against you, telling you that you decided to use, which is a victory for the AV, and telling you that you are still f'd, buddy, only a matter of time. Lies, Ken. Consider this - if you had decided to use (not it) you would have used. Aaaand, you didn't. You know full well why you didn't make that phone call. You made that choice, the right one this time. You did.
Of course this is a victory. The war is not over, but that battle was won. Of course things have changed, your behavior is proof. The AV is conflating past behavior and actions with your using in the present, and engaging in that fight is a mug's game.
Of course this is a victory. The war is not over, but that battle was won. Of course things have changed, your behavior is proof. The AV is conflating past behavior and actions with your using in the present, and engaging in that fight is a mug's game.
great for my mental notes as well.
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