Weasel1966

I barely squeaked by yesterday. I was so close to doing it all. My other half's moods got to me. In the end we had a few hours of fun together but it was touch and go all the way.

In my head it was decided. I was going to drink. I wanted to do coke. Why didn't I? I don't know.

Is the mere decision enough to be considered a failure? It is to me.

Life is thought.

I can change my state of mind and in turn I can change my world.

So I feel bad for what I so badly wanted and came so close to doing Because in my mind nothing is changing yet.

Not drinking is not alleviating the desire or guilt for wanting it. I know that will change in time.

I had some good moments yesterday. Like the bottles. And if anyone were to talk with me I would seem up and happy. But that was not the same as the inside. Staying up was my self defense to my partners down. If I let go I would have been tackled by it all.

I still don't know WTF this post is about other than my mindless chatter. Rubbish.

I used to beat myself up for what I did.... So why am I beating myself up for what I didn't do?

Because its the guilt that I gave up in my head. It's like walking in the liquor store and not buying anything but the fact you went in makes you feel as bad.

I know... Go easy on myself. And I know.... At least I did not do it.

But that's not how I feel.

Circumstance cannot keep me sober forever.

drunkyjules

Congratulations on not giving in. I can tell you don't feel good about it but you have reason to be proud of yourself. This whole recovery process can be so up and down. Thoughts don't change overnight, habits don't change over night. I don't know about you but I've been messed up for years and I know its going to take time to make things right. If I could put as much energy into being sober as I put into getting messed up.......that is a lot of time and energy......

Stay strong, you are doing the right thing......it jusn't feel good all the time....

Dee74

I stopped trying to control my thoughts a long time ago Ken...my mind goes where it will...but I can, and do. control my reactions to those thoughts.

Sounds like you did that.
Personally, I call that a win , not any kind of failure

The more we do that, the more we change, and the quieter the thoughts get
D

RobbyRobot

Man, I can feel your pain jump off the screen, Ken. You gotta get some love and understanding going for the struggle you're now in, or its not going to end pretty, yeah?

I agree with Dee, I don't see failure in any of your opening share, Ken. Its loaded with truly great gifts of success over failure even as you embrace the challenges.

Sure, honestly it is true your of two minds right now, but of course, yeah? Addiction ambivalence is a internal process and an experience that surely you already understand?

You need a real good hug, my friend. Some affirmation that all will be good and worthwhile, buddy. Yeah, getting it together is not a cake-walk for sure, but its better then abusing and using by light-years... totally.

Let's not forget the game plan here. We sober up not to solve and redeem our past, but to ensure our present day is well lived and well enjoyed. Drugs and alcohol abuse obviously prevents us from getting down to business, so we quit abusing.

You've quit. Don't sweat the process. Enjoy the ride, even when its not fun. Find another way besides putting yourself down... and hug yourself even in the darkest moments, my friend.

Weasel1966

Thanks. I get it. It's kind of an immature thought to have. I know better and it's a win.

Just want to feel honest with myself and when the urges are so strong it feels like the same as doing sometimes.

Like if I walked into the bar I and had a soda. It's a failure to me. I should never be in a bar.

I made the decision to not drink. Period. To got to the point that I felt like I changed my mind. In fact I did. I just did not act on it. That's not acceptable but i Guess that's progress.

And dam it sometimes it feels good to whine about things a bit.

Fallow

last thursday I had made up my mind I was gonna drink. some friends invited my wife and I to a restaraunt to watch a football game. i knew I was cooked if I showed up there but I had already conceded in my mind to drink. then they cancelled. I was happy and stayed sober but I regretted that I knew I would have had some. still regret it now, but today is a week sober.

Weasel1966

Fallow good for you that you admit that. It does feel like we failed at something when we decide to drink. Execution of the event or not.

Like I said.... Circumstance cannot keep me sober.

Congrats on the week! Let's both keep going strong!

Hopscotch

I admire you for not having taken that easy, next step.
THAT takes strength.

RobbyRobot

Well, you're certainly free to keep banging on yourself, its your feelings, not mine, but the AV is really playing you something awful when you talk about "feeling and doing" as "one and the same" experience...

Please stop beating yourself up.

regeneration

Weasel, don't beat yourself up about this (as RobbyRobot says). I used to do this, whenever I craved a drink it would be, "what is wrong with me, why I am feeling like this, god I'm such a loser, and I'm going to fail, I know I am...." and on, and on and on it went.

But every time I felt like that I posted for help (on another board) and the feedback I got was that it's normal to feel you want a drink at times, but it doesn't have to be self-fulfilling as thoughts aren't actions. I've always had a real problem just allowing my feelings to be there, usually I used to struggle but I try not to now. Only thing I would recommend is posting on here or working out a strategy to deal with cravings if you get them and they are getting to you.

I think someone on here said that when they get a craving they now say to themselves "drink is off the table". And that then they say "so what is causing this and what do I need to do next?". I do that the odd time I struggle now.

Feelings are just feelings, acknowledge them but it doesn't mean they have to derail you. You are doing good. I'm at 4 and a half months and it's got better for me. Keep at it.

Live2Run25

You might not be proud Ken, But I am. You can't beat yourself up too much. Seriously. Do you know how often I think "man! I'd love to have a glass of wine!" but dont? It's been 72 days. If I beat myself up every time I thought about drinking, i'd never get anywhere. It comes down to, you DIDN'T drink. That (to me anyway) really is the biggest thing!! I am proud of you.

Weasel1966

OK ok..... I give.... Smiles on my face... Billy club is put away to use for real problems.

I have my evening to enjoy and thinking about yesterday is done.

Thanks for keeping me where I need to be.

fgo

Thinking and doing are two different things. we've all been there or we wouldn't be here. congrats

serious

i think i read here once, a grate quote:

"i'd rather sit sober and think about drinking, than sit drunk thinking about being sober".

RobbyRobot

Ok. I'm going to just let this go, lol. Its not about smiles and frowns. Its not about one or the other. Its about doing the real deal with both sides of the stop drinking coin. Swinging all the way to the other side is not really any better, you know?

Anyways. If I keep going with this, I'll be beating you up too for fvck sake, lol. You're an interesting guy, Ken.

mecanix

Barely squeaking by is enough . If you'd have known me in my first few weeks you have called me rusty mecanix, a squeaking and squarking all over .

In the lines of a great song "yesterday's gone" give it a few days and the pendulum of desire will swing back and fourth , but next time it returns you will have experience. You will say , i know how this goes , i know how to ride this out . it aint the pleasantest feeling in the world, but it's possible, you have and will get better and it does get easier ( like any skill you work at)

Bestwishes, M

Weasel1966

I knew when I posted this that the thinking was flawed. I did not expect feedback that would be any different than what I got.

But it was necessary to get this out and to move on once I did. And I did that.

Hell if I was held accountable for everything I thought....

But the point in amongst the babble was simply that I made a decision to not drink. Period. The fact I debated that and made another decision (whether acted on or not) pissed me off. This is common... We start to think many other things about what needs to be done.

But yesterday was blatant.

The message "ken does not drink and never will drink" is on a note on my fridge. Sometimes I may need a visual to corse correct the mental.

Robby.... Is there anything more to be said?

RobbyRobot

Awesome, Ken. Its all good 'nuff said.

NoFireWater

Weasel, maybe you're so used to beating yourself up you're looking for reasons to continue-the new habit of being nice to yourself isn't easy to get used to? This all or nothing perfectionist way of dealing with things is messing you up I think. I've done it all my life, with dieting, exercise, etc. One great weekof treadmill every day, one slip, and then back to no treadmill for weeks because I messed up the goal and gave up. If I just got back on after the slip I'd look a whole lot different today.

I think the same applies to drinking-to try so hard you're chastising yourself over thoughts of drinking is taking it too far. If your friend was on a diet, and they went by a pizza place and said to you "God, I really want a piece of pizza and I'm going to have one" but then kept walking without getting the slice would you think they broke their diet? Probably not

Jeni26

Hi Ken.
I went through a really rough patch yesterday too. We could have compared pity parties!!
I was on the way to relapse for sure. Tired, emotional and exhausted from the constant chatter going on in my head. I woke up Sunday morning and was ready to drink. No 2 ways about it, I'd had 2 hours sleep and wanted to spend the day lying in the garden drinking myself into oblivion.
What stopped me? SR and a friend in need who made me forget myself and remember I'm not the only person who struggles with stuff, and if we don't all stick together and reach out for each other, then we are lost.
Oh, and also my H who initially was reluctantly dragged into sobriety by me a few months back, and has now become incredibly strong. His cheerful disposition and refusal to listen to my childish pleas for vodka. That's what kept me sober yesterday.
I'm 80 days sober today!
We should all stick together. Not respond to the whispers or chatter or shouts that our addiction uses to gain our attention.
We can do this my friend xx