What is Wrong With Me? Pregnant & Guilty.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1
What is Wrong With Me? Pregnant & Guilty.
Not sure where to begin with my background, as I am sure it is fairly similar to a lot of other alcoholics (lengthy), so I will just give the basics. I chose this forum, partly because I was rundown with guilt and fear, and this is anonymous.
I have been an alcoholic for approx. 2-3 years. I also battled an addiction to painkillers, taking upward of 12-15 Norco (Vicodin) per day, and began washing those down with a few shots of Vodka each night. Therein began my drinking problems. At the time (2009-2010), I was "only" comsuming a max of 6 shots per day. Child's play at the time.
I finally kicked my pain pill addiction, surprisingly, without too many issues. Was on a low dose of Methadone, and weaned myself off. However, without medication, my original pain issues (severe back problems), reared it's ugly head. Without wanting to go back down the hellhole of opiate addiction, I simply started self-medicating with alcohol. It was legal, I didn't have to spend hours in different ER's trying to convince Dr's to prescribe me more pills, etc. The booze took my pain away, and I could function. Temporarily.
From 2010 til 2012, my intake grew from 1/2 a 750mL a day, to a full 750 a day, and then onto the big bottles (1.75L). At first, those lasted me 4-5 days, but soon, those big bottles were disappearing within 48 hours. I'm talking 16-18 shots per day, easily. I started waking up every 2-3 hours, shaking - needing a drink. This went on for months. I didn't sleep or eat. Food made me sick and getting a few crackers down was an accomplishment. I also stopped drinking water. I would spend my days on the couch, let my house go to hell (dirty dishes, stopped cooking meals for my BF, didn't want company). I even gave up showering for days on end, and simply just kept pouring those drinks. I didn't leave the house for weeks.
Unfortunately, I found myself pregnant in the midst of this, and visited a few AA meetings in my area. Of course I wanted to stop immediatly, but with such a strong physical reaction (convulsions, vomiting, etc), I knew I could not go cold turkey, alone on my couch - and the people at AA agreed.
However, without insurance of any kind, and stuck in the wonderfully SLOW cycle of Medicaid here in the state of TX, I was at a loss. I did try to cut down, if not for me, for the baby's sake - but to no avail.
Everything came to a head one Sunday, when I woke up with awful pains in my abdomen. I couldn't get my usual drink down in the AM, nor in the afternoon, so I started to not only have abdominal cramping, but I then started projectile vomiting, without so much time to even catch my breath.
My boyfriend called 911 and I was transported to the hospital, taken to the L&D floor, where baby was monitored (as I continued to retch - not fun). Baby was fine, and the contractions were determined to be gastro in nature. I was also further along than I had thought (16-18 weeks). I was taken back down into the ER, overnight. Given 5mg Ativan to stop my from seizing, Phenergan to stop throwing up, and the last thing I remember was a series of tests, but I was so out of it. I had not slept in around 5 days, waking every few hours to drink. I also hadn't eaten.
The next day, I was taken to the ICU, where I spent the night, getting a high dose of Ativan IV and the Phenergan for the nausea. I woke up on day 3 feeling like a normal person, and devored a big breakfast and even ordered lunch a few hours later. It had been over 48 hours without alcohol, and BOY was I hungry! It felt amazing to eat, to not shake, and to SLEEP. I'vr never slept so good. My body just sucked up bags and bags of fluids and vitamins through that IV.
They decided to keep me one more night, constantly checking the baby as I detoxed. More eating, more sleeping...just felt fantastic. My head felt clear and baby was a trooper.
I left after 3 nights in the hospital, and although I was a little nervous about returning home, I had never felt better. I took it easy at home, did some healthy grocery shopping, and tried to stay busy (I don't work). Slowly however, the urge to drink started to creep into my mind. The thought of this made me sick. I had just gone through hell on Earth to rid my body of this addiction and those toxins. I had been sober 1 week and 1 day. Why can't I just try 1 drink? Classic alcoholic thoughts I assume. I tried to remember the baby, and how LUCKY I am to have been comfortably detoxed and still have a healthy baby AND why, oh WHY would I even consider drinking another drop??? The next 2 nights, I dreamt of bars full of bottles, dreams of getting drunk and that nice warm feeling...
I am almost too ashamed to even type the rest of this, as I am so downright disgusted with myself, and how easily I threw away the gift I was given....but I went out and got a small bottle. After having 1 drink, I suddenly felt bubbly. Talkative, not bored. Drink 2 wasn't far behind, and 3, 4, etc. I had a fun night, and my BF didn't suspect anything, since I rarely "act" drunk. I woke up without a hangover and thought....that wasn't so bad, but I really shouldn't have done that. Maybe I can just forget about it and jump back on the wagon.
No such luck. The coming guilt just swept me - and we all know how that is solved. Just another drink. Just lemme finish this bottle and I will somehow see that this isn't worth it. My addictive mind, playing tricks on me.
I am praying that it is not too late. I have drank 2 nights in a row, even with my arms still black and blue from the hospital IVs. I don't believe I am physically addicted again (yet), and wouldn't require another hospital stay, but if I keep this up, I will be.
I need some sort of kick in the ass and some willpower to just dump what is left and get back into being sober. I need to remember how AWESOME I felt, waking up, eating healthy, and doing RIGHT for my baby. The guilt is ripping me in half. What kind of sick person does this?? Who goes through all I went through, just to cave in, in 1 week? Esp a pregnant person. I just can't stand myself and I cannot understand how a smart gal like me, could do something SO downright stupid.
I guess I am writing this in hopes of receiving some encouraging words or tips. I obviously cannot open up about this to my BF or my family, as they (were) at their wit's end with me, and after this hospital detox, I am pretty sure they will throw their hands up and disown me.
Sad, ashamed and scared.
-M
I have been an alcoholic for approx. 2-3 years. I also battled an addiction to painkillers, taking upward of 12-15 Norco (Vicodin) per day, and began washing those down with a few shots of Vodka each night. Therein began my drinking problems. At the time (2009-2010), I was "only" comsuming a max of 6 shots per day. Child's play at the time.
I finally kicked my pain pill addiction, surprisingly, without too many issues. Was on a low dose of Methadone, and weaned myself off. However, without medication, my original pain issues (severe back problems), reared it's ugly head. Without wanting to go back down the hellhole of opiate addiction, I simply started self-medicating with alcohol. It was legal, I didn't have to spend hours in different ER's trying to convince Dr's to prescribe me more pills, etc. The booze took my pain away, and I could function. Temporarily.
From 2010 til 2012, my intake grew from 1/2 a 750mL a day, to a full 750 a day, and then onto the big bottles (1.75L). At first, those lasted me 4-5 days, but soon, those big bottles were disappearing within 48 hours. I'm talking 16-18 shots per day, easily. I started waking up every 2-3 hours, shaking - needing a drink. This went on for months. I didn't sleep or eat. Food made me sick and getting a few crackers down was an accomplishment. I also stopped drinking water. I would spend my days on the couch, let my house go to hell (dirty dishes, stopped cooking meals for my BF, didn't want company). I even gave up showering for days on end, and simply just kept pouring those drinks. I didn't leave the house for weeks.
Unfortunately, I found myself pregnant in the midst of this, and visited a few AA meetings in my area. Of course I wanted to stop immediatly, but with such a strong physical reaction (convulsions, vomiting, etc), I knew I could not go cold turkey, alone on my couch - and the people at AA agreed.
However, without insurance of any kind, and stuck in the wonderfully SLOW cycle of Medicaid here in the state of TX, I was at a loss. I did try to cut down, if not for me, for the baby's sake - but to no avail.
Everything came to a head one Sunday, when I woke up with awful pains in my abdomen. I couldn't get my usual drink down in the AM, nor in the afternoon, so I started to not only have abdominal cramping, but I then started projectile vomiting, without so much time to even catch my breath.
My boyfriend called 911 and I was transported to the hospital, taken to the L&D floor, where baby was monitored (as I continued to retch - not fun). Baby was fine, and the contractions were determined to be gastro in nature. I was also further along than I had thought (16-18 weeks). I was taken back down into the ER, overnight. Given 5mg Ativan to stop my from seizing, Phenergan to stop throwing up, and the last thing I remember was a series of tests, but I was so out of it. I had not slept in around 5 days, waking every few hours to drink. I also hadn't eaten.
The next day, I was taken to the ICU, where I spent the night, getting a high dose of Ativan IV and the Phenergan for the nausea. I woke up on day 3 feeling like a normal person, and devored a big breakfast and even ordered lunch a few hours later. It had been over 48 hours without alcohol, and BOY was I hungry! It felt amazing to eat, to not shake, and to SLEEP. I'vr never slept so good. My body just sucked up bags and bags of fluids and vitamins through that IV.
They decided to keep me one more night, constantly checking the baby as I detoxed. More eating, more sleeping...just felt fantastic. My head felt clear and baby was a trooper.
I left after 3 nights in the hospital, and although I was a little nervous about returning home, I had never felt better. I took it easy at home, did some healthy grocery shopping, and tried to stay busy (I don't work). Slowly however, the urge to drink started to creep into my mind. The thought of this made me sick. I had just gone through hell on Earth to rid my body of this addiction and those toxins. I had been sober 1 week and 1 day. Why can't I just try 1 drink? Classic alcoholic thoughts I assume. I tried to remember the baby, and how LUCKY I am to have been comfortably detoxed and still have a healthy baby AND why, oh WHY would I even consider drinking another drop??? The next 2 nights, I dreamt of bars full of bottles, dreams of getting drunk and that nice warm feeling...
I am almost too ashamed to even type the rest of this, as I am so downright disgusted with myself, and how easily I threw away the gift I was given....but I went out and got a small bottle. After having 1 drink, I suddenly felt bubbly. Talkative, not bored. Drink 2 wasn't far behind, and 3, 4, etc. I had a fun night, and my BF didn't suspect anything, since I rarely "act" drunk. I woke up without a hangover and thought....that wasn't so bad, but I really shouldn't have done that. Maybe I can just forget about it and jump back on the wagon.
No such luck. The coming guilt just swept me - and we all know how that is solved. Just another drink. Just lemme finish this bottle and I will somehow see that this isn't worth it. My addictive mind, playing tricks on me.
I am praying that it is not too late. I have drank 2 nights in a row, even with my arms still black and blue from the hospital IVs. I don't believe I am physically addicted again (yet), and wouldn't require another hospital stay, but if I keep this up, I will be.
I need some sort of kick in the ass and some willpower to just dump what is left and get back into being sober. I need to remember how AWESOME I felt, waking up, eating healthy, and doing RIGHT for my baby. The guilt is ripping me in half. What kind of sick person does this?? Who goes through all I went through, just to cave in, in 1 week? Esp a pregnant person. I just can't stand myself and I cannot understand how a smart gal like me, could do something SO downright stupid.
I guess I am writing this in hopes of receiving some encouraging words or tips. I obviously cannot open up about this to my BF or my family, as they (were) at their wit's end with me, and after this hospital detox, I am pretty sure they will throw their hands up and disown me.
Sad, ashamed and scared.
-M
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
The only two times I could stop drinking was when I was pregnant. I couldn't imagine having a child my whole life that was deformed because of my choices when I was pregnant.
I would tell everyone around me that I have a problem with alcohol and I can't control it at all. Tell your mom and dad, tell EVERYONE. I am sorry to give advise as usually I give my experience, but I agree, this is an emergency. If you can't do it, then you have got to tell everyone you can't do it. They will help you. You might need to go through detox, and with another human being in your body that you are responsible for, I would get to a doc right away.
Call the AA main line for your area and tell them what is going on. They will lead you in the right direction. This child should be more important to you than you are, and with an addiction to alcohol it can be deadly.
I would tell everyone around me that I have a problem with alcohol and I can't control it at all. Tell your mom and dad, tell EVERYONE. I am sorry to give advise as usually I give my experience, but I agree, this is an emergency. If you can't do it, then you have got to tell everyone you can't do it. They will help you. You might need to go through detox, and with another human being in your body that you are responsible for, I would get to a doc right away.
Call the AA main line for your area and tell them what is going on. They will lead you in the right direction. This child should be more important to you than you are, and with an addiction to alcohol it can be deadly.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi and Welcome TXBlonde
I'm not a woman so I've never had to deal with pregnancy - but I think there's some great advice here.
Your baby to be is totally dependent on you - please do reach out for help, for both your sakes....
You'll find a lot of support here
D
I'm not a woman so I've never had to deal with pregnancy - but I think there's some great advice here.
Your baby to be is totally dependent on you - please do reach out for help, for both your sakes....
You'll find a lot of support here
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,336
I too don't usually offer specific advice, but agree this is an emergency. Walk to the sink and pour the booze down the drain, removing temptation immediately. Sit down with the phone, a piece of paper and pen and begin to make some calls. Call AA, a social work or a contact number on your hospital discharge papers. Tell them you and your baby need help now!
Please do not be too ashamed or guilty to post here. I am an early childhood educational professional. I know from professional experience how utterly heart breaking fetal alcohol syndrome is.
Please reach out to us as well, we all want to support you and your baby.
Please do not be too ashamed or guilty to post here. I am an early childhood educational professional. I know from professional experience how utterly heart breaking fetal alcohol syndrome is.
Please reach out to us as well, we all want to support you and your baby.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 804
I also implore you to get help. I also have worked with children with FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) or FAE (fetal alcohol effect). The effects cannot necessarily be seen on ultrasound. But they are irreversible.
I do commend you for being brave enough to even type this up. If you can reach out to strangers on the internet for help, it's only a little more to reach out to another human being (in real life). The chances are high that you cannot overcome this alone.
I know how hard it is. The drink obsession never quiets and never gives up. It is always there. And it can outwit even the most logical argument. I think of alcohol as poison. More than an allergy...if someone told me to drink enough arsenic to get sick but not die, I would think they were nuts. For me, alcohol is the same. It no longer has any positive effect (even in the short term) and was slowly killing me.
I would call someone, anyone immediately. I know you have no insurance but...is there any chance of any kind of inpatient rehab? Surely, given your circumstances, the stakes are much higher than average. Please try to do everything within your power to resist this-even for this moment. Do whatever it takes.
Stay with SR and know that we are all thinking of you and putting out our strongest helping vibe out there for you and your baby.
I do commend you for being brave enough to even type this up. If you can reach out to strangers on the internet for help, it's only a little more to reach out to another human being (in real life). The chances are high that you cannot overcome this alone.
I know how hard it is. The drink obsession never quiets and never gives up. It is always there. And it can outwit even the most logical argument. I think of alcohol as poison. More than an allergy...if someone told me to drink enough arsenic to get sick but not die, I would think they were nuts. For me, alcohol is the same. It no longer has any positive effect (even in the short term) and was slowly killing me.
I would call someone, anyone immediately. I know you have no insurance but...is there any chance of any kind of inpatient rehab? Surely, given your circumstances, the stakes are much higher than average. Please try to do everything within your power to resist this-even for this moment. Do whatever it takes.
Stay with SR and know that we are all thinking of you and putting out our strongest helping vibe out there for you and your baby.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
I would look into an inpatient rehab that is long term for pregnant women. I saw some online that take medicaid. There is no shame in admitting that you can't do it on your own.
Tell your BF what is going on.
Drug Rehab Centers That Accept Medicaid link
Drug Rehab Centers That Accept Medicaid By State
Tell your BF what is going on.
Drug Rehab Centers That Accept Medicaid link
Drug Rehab Centers That Accept Medicaid By State
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 149
You are very brave for admitting what happened, and the fact that you cannot not do it alone. Please call someone for help, once you do, you will feel more happiness than any bottle ever gave you. Good luck mama.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by soberbrooke 
The only two times I could stop drinking was when I was pregnant. I couldn't imagine having a child my whole life that was deformed because of my choices when I was pregnant.
I would tell everyone around me that I have a problem with alcohol and I can't control it at all. Tell your mom and dad, tell EVERYONE. I am sorry to give advise as usually I give my experience, but I agree, this is an emergency. If you can't do it, then you have got to tell everyone you can't do it. They will help you. You might need to go through detox, and with another human being in your body that you are responsible for, I would get to a doc right away.
Call the AA main line for your area and tell them what is going on. They will lead you in the right direction. This child should be more important to you than you are, and with an addiction to alcohol it can be deadly.
I would tell everyone around me that I have a problem with alcohol and I can't control it at all. Tell your mom and dad, tell EVERYONE. I am sorry to give advise as usually I give my experience, but I agree, this is an emergency. If you can't do it, then you have got to tell everyone you can't do it. They will help you. You might need to go through detox, and with another human being in your body that you are responsible for, I would get to a doc right away.
Call the AA main line for your area and tell them what is going on. They will lead you in the right direction. This child should be more important to you than you are, and with an addiction to alcohol it can be deadly.
x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gardner
Posts: 93
I agree with all other posts here. The first time I attempted sobriety I was very quiet about it w/ my friends and family. However, after relapsing in the presence of close family and then being back into my old habits - I realized that they didn't understand how crucial it was for me NOT to drink, because i never told them. Your boyfriend loves you, and he loves that baby growing inside of you. If you can't do this for yourself right now, do it for your future family. You will be surprised if you just ask, how many people will be willing to help you. much Love and support coming your way! You can turn this around! You have seen the other side
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
I agree that this is an extreme emergency and I hope you do the right thing for your child. Go back to the ER and be honest and get the help you need. Please think about your child's life.
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