jakec

So, I honestly don't think that I'm ready for complete abstinence.

I've been cutting back from my using lately. It's been 2 days since I last used DXM(my DOC) and it's bee 3 days since I've used cannabis.

I know they say in NA, that you're "supposed" to stay completely abstinent from all mind-altering substances, but I'm not sure that I really want to stop using all together. And it honestly hasn't been much of a problem for me lately. Considering I was using almost everyday a couple of months ago.

I love the program of NA, because it really does teach me good values and it helps keep my head in the right place, but I almost feel like a "phoney" because I attend NA meetings regularly but I don't have plans to be completely sober. As long as I keep myself busy it's really easy not to pick up.

Can anyone else relate? Thanks.

TorontoGuy28

No, I can not relate to this...

However, my disease played tricks on me for many years telling me "I can moderate", "I can cut back.."... Sometimes I did, but at the end of the day, it really just got worse...

DisplacedGRITS

how we deal with our addiction is very personal. moderation is a pipe dream for the vast majority of us. as an alcoholic, i just find that saying no to the first drink is the best way for me to maintain my sobriety. i am strongest against alcohol before my first drink. also, i never have to worry about how much is too much or when i can drink again. if i don't drink, i simply don't drink. i never have guilt or conflicted emotions about it. it's just an easier way for me to live and i feel like i'm being 100% honest about my emotions.

do a lot of soul searching and make sure you're being 100% honest with yourself. are you sure this is right for you or do you really need to completely quit to take all the guess work out of your recovery program? can you really and truly trust yourself to not take a little more here or smoke this day even though you smoked the other day and you really shouldn't? be honest with yourself above all. otherwise, your chances of recovery are slim.

IndaMiricale

I never could do anything in moderation, and I did it all. A to Z . Finally being 39 and just done with that life. This one is sooooooooo much easier to live.

Db1105

No, if I didn't have a problem, I sure as hell wouldn't be posting, let alone searching for a recovery website. I sure as heck wouldn't be wasting my time with meetings. It kind of like me as a 50+ year old man taking birth control pills to prevent pregnancy.

Dee74

I can relate for sure Jake...complete abstinence...letting go...making that leap of faith can seem a massive step...

But everytime I tried to keep a little of my DOC in my life I forgot a very important thing...as long as I'm using, it's in charge not me.

Sure I'd go good for a while...a few hiccups here and there...easy to rationalise as not really a problem...everyone needs a vice...I'm not too bad...otherwise I'm pretty healthy...a lot of my friends do it...whatever...

Sooner or later I always ended up in the same bad place I always did - because once I introduce my DOC into my life I'm hooked...sometimes it just took a while for me to realise and accept that again.

By your own retelling, you've been struggling for years with this - binges, ODs, rehab - do you think it's really feasible you can just...cut back and stay that way Jake?

Recovery is scary - but it's the way forward - and you're not alone in this

However scary it might feel, or difficult it might be in the early days, it's better than going round in those darn circles, Jake.

D

Hevyn

Hi jake. I do understand how you feel. My experience was almost the same as Dee's, though. All attempts at moderating or controlling failed in the end. I had to be brought to my knees to see I could never be a social drinker.

I'm glad you wrote how you're feeling, though. This is a good place to discuss these things. We try not to be judgmental, but some of us have traveled a very painful and dangerous road - we'd love to spare you from doing the same. Keep talking to us!

SSIL75

The main advantage to sobriety, IME is FREEDOM. No longer being a slave to ones DOC. Putting it all in perspective. Realizing that the drug really is NOT the center of the universe the way we thought it was.

Moderation which is so much harder than using 'at will'. It actually ELEVATES the importance of the drug in your life. Because now you must fight every day to keep it in that ill fitting box you've made for it. "I know! I'll just casually drink multiple bottles of cough medicine... Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays!". And on the other days you'll what.... go work on your MBA? Volunteer at a soup kitchen? Or watch the clock for the next time you can get loaded?

I'm not taking the **** or anything. I tried exactly what you're wanting to do. Let's recap: My DOC was alcohol.

Drink only on weekends.
Drink only when entertaining.
Drink only when being entertained (advantage: I didn't have to clean my house every time I wanted to get drunk).
Drink only beer.
Drink only vodka (beer was making me fat ).
Drink only after 5pm.
Stop drinking alone.
Never drink more than 3 *no matter what!!!!* (that I got out of by telling myself that 8 drinks over 8 hours was surely no worse than 3 in 1 hour?)
Drink only 'small' bottles of wine (not magnums or my personal favorite - the box. Box wine was awesome b/c you can't see the level. But I do have measuring the contents by weight down to a fine art).

Blah
Blah
Blah.

I might just be a mf'ing physician like I'd always wanted to be if I put half as much effort into useful things as I did trying to control my alcoholism.

Good luck.

navy0923

I would try and cut back and it worked.......until the first bottle of wine was gone and then cutting back was out. I had to stop entirely. I wish you the best.

doggonecarl

You said this in your first post, after rehab. You've said it again in this post. I'll take you at your word. You aren't ready to be clean yet.

When you are, we'll be here.