July 19th... I hit the one month mark!!!
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Posts: 96
July 19th... I hit the one month mark!!!
Wow.. I must say I'm even amazed at myself that I've made it this far. 6 years of having a torrid love affair with Vodka and never being able to break up with it for more then a few days or a week here and there. This is a huge milestone for me and I couldn't be more proud of myself! 
I feel wonderful, I feel free, I feel empowered, I feel liberated!
I had allot of time to think last night. (unfortunately a bad storm knocked out my power for about 4 hours) And let me tell you.. when mother nature takes away your electricity, you have nothing to do BUT to think... No lights No AC!!, No Tv, No Computer, ... and you sitting there in the dark... sweating ( LOL) with nothing but your own thoughts and reflections.. how very...little house on the prairie lol ... ( I would have preferred the AC to be working however...soooo not a fan of the heat) Anyway...
Boredom sets in and i start getting fidgety.. antsy.... what in God's name am i gunna do till this power comes back on... then the dreaded thoughts seep in... I cant tell you how many times in a 4 hour period i contemplated so badly driving to that liquor store to score a pint... It was eating at me like a cancer. Im sure i will have more days like this.. but i sat there contemplating just why that urge was soooo strong... and i realized.... boredom!!!
It's amazing how little things that happen in life turn into lessons to help you realize things you never saw before. Did i really drink sometimes out of plain old boredom? Mind you im not shunning away the addiction aspect...just trying to understand why i drank so much at times... what was so much fun about drinking alone in my room, shutting the world away just to catch a quiet buzz in solitude? The few things i could surmise were simply...
I had no CONTROL over the power, but I had CONTROL over deciding if i wanted to drink and that would be my source of entertainment to alleviate the boredom.
I've been out of work... tried of sending hundreds of resumes.. no friends to hang with during the day because they were either working, or doing things with their families...boredom.. I had no CONTROL over that situation.. but i had CONTROL over getting myself buzzed or drunk, again for entertainment.
I had no CONTROL over the times i would fight with my mother over my drinking as she was just concerned for me and would cry. I had no CONTROL over her fears and sadness... But i had CONTROL on how to shut them out of my mind and not deal with my own shame of causing it..by drinking.
I started thinking about so many stories I've read on this forum or people I've spoken to, listened to, who have hard times just even starting their journey to sobriety and how they fear telling their family. Now i know a large part of it may be "shame" as well as many other reasons.. but then something occurred to me..its more then just fear, or shame... It's lack of CONTROL.
Perhaps...just perhaps.. even though we as alcoholics know we have a problem.. know we have to stop, want to stop, try to stop and fail.. and sometimes, some of us don't tell family or friends.. is it because we feel we are giving up a sense of CONTROL? In other words... If we keep it a dirty little secret, (which by the way we are not as candid as we lead ourselves to believe.. im sure allot of people around us know/knew about our problems whether we admitted it to them or not).. If we keep our dirty little secret.. we still maintain (in our diseased minds) sense of CONTROL over it? Maybe its fear that by telling others.. do we feel they will watch our every move? Police us in a way? Monitor, stand guard, whatever.. Maybe its the thought process of "well if i say nothing and do it without support.. at least if i go back it will be less of a disappointment to those we love, and, i can still maintain CONTROL over whether or not i decide to drink again..it will be easier this way because nobody knows about it? I think its that final fig leaf of false sense of CONTROL that many cant part with which leads them down a pathway of fear in telling their loved ones about their problems.
Its such a funny little false sense of CONTROL however... If we truly had CONTROL.. we wouldn't have the problems we do, would we? In thinking we are giving up CONTROL over a situation, we fail to realize that we already gave full control over to alcohol. I've also realized in this short month's time.. just how masterful alcohol truly is at the art of reverse psychology!
A multitude of things ran through my mind last night during those dreaded 4 hours of no power and lack of CONTROL to change the situation unti the electric company fixed the power situation. These are but a few...
There are many recipes for alcoholics.. but last night i realized but ONE of my recipes..
Boredom + lack of CONTROL = disaster!! Think ill throw that recipe out now.. I've somehow lost my taste for that dish!
OH..and btw...to that one very special person (insert sarcasm here) who called me a lush, looser, pathetic alcoholic who will fail at everything I ever tried and said I would never make it past one month...
A very VERY big EFF YOU!!
Thanks for listening all Stay strong, stay sober, and keep the faith!
and now for your viewing pleasure.. here is a dancing banana --->
I feel wonderful, I feel free, I feel empowered, I feel liberated!
I had allot of time to think last night. (unfortunately a bad storm knocked out my power for about 4 hours) And let me tell you.. when mother nature takes away your electricity, you have nothing to do BUT to think... No lights No AC!!, No Tv, No Computer, ... and you sitting there in the dark... sweating ( LOL) with nothing but your own thoughts and reflections.. how very...little house on the prairie lol ... ( I would have preferred the AC to be working however...soooo not a fan of the heat) Anyway...
Boredom sets in and i start getting fidgety.. antsy.... what in God's name am i gunna do till this power comes back on... then the dreaded thoughts seep in... I cant tell you how many times in a 4 hour period i contemplated so badly driving to that liquor store to score a pint... It was eating at me like a cancer. Im sure i will have more days like this.. but i sat there contemplating just why that urge was soooo strong... and i realized.... boredom!!!
It's amazing how little things that happen in life turn into lessons to help you realize things you never saw before. Did i really drink sometimes out of plain old boredom? Mind you im not shunning away the addiction aspect...just trying to understand why i drank so much at times... what was so much fun about drinking alone in my room, shutting the world away just to catch a quiet buzz in solitude? The few things i could surmise were simply...
I had no CONTROL over the power, but I had CONTROL over deciding if i wanted to drink and that would be my source of entertainment to alleviate the boredom.
I've been out of work... tried of sending hundreds of resumes.. no friends to hang with during the day because they were either working, or doing things with their families...boredom.. I had no CONTROL over that situation.. but i had CONTROL over getting myself buzzed or drunk, again for entertainment.
I had no CONTROL over the times i would fight with my mother over my drinking as she was just concerned for me and would cry. I had no CONTROL over her fears and sadness... But i had CONTROL on how to shut them out of my mind and not deal with my own shame of causing it..by drinking.
I started thinking about so many stories I've read on this forum or people I've spoken to, listened to, who have hard times just even starting their journey to sobriety and how they fear telling their family. Now i know a large part of it may be "shame" as well as many other reasons.. but then something occurred to me..its more then just fear, or shame... It's lack of CONTROL.
Perhaps...just perhaps.. even though we as alcoholics know we have a problem.. know we have to stop, want to stop, try to stop and fail.. and sometimes, some of us don't tell family or friends.. is it because we feel we are giving up a sense of CONTROL? In other words... If we keep it a dirty little secret, (which by the way we are not as candid as we lead ourselves to believe.. im sure allot of people around us know/knew about our problems whether we admitted it to them or not).. If we keep our dirty little secret.. we still maintain (in our diseased minds) sense of CONTROL over it? Maybe its fear that by telling others.. do we feel they will watch our every move? Police us in a way? Monitor, stand guard, whatever.. Maybe its the thought process of "well if i say nothing and do it without support.. at least if i go back it will be less of a disappointment to those we love, and, i can still maintain CONTROL over whether or not i decide to drink again..it will be easier this way because nobody knows about it? I think its that final fig leaf of false sense of CONTROL that many cant part with which leads them down a pathway of fear in telling their loved ones about their problems.
Its such a funny little false sense of CONTROL however... If we truly had CONTROL.. we wouldn't have the problems we do, would we? In thinking we are giving up CONTROL over a situation, we fail to realize that we already gave full control over to alcohol. I've also realized in this short month's time.. just how masterful alcohol truly is at the art of reverse psychology!
A multitude of things ran through my mind last night during those dreaded 4 hours of no power and lack of CONTROL to change the situation unti the electric company fixed the power situation. These are but a few...
There are many recipes for alcoholics.. but last night i realized but ONE of my recipes..
Boredom + lack of CONTROL = disaster!! Think ill throw that recipe out now.. I've somehow lost my taste for that dish!
OH..and btw...to that one very special person (insert sarcasm here) who called me a lush, looser, pathetic alcoholic who will fail at everything I ever tried and said I would never make it past one month...
A very VERY big EFF YOU!!
Thanks for listening all
Stay strong, stay sober, and keep the faith!and now for your viewing pleasure.. here is a dancing banana --->
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
WOW GiGi!!!
Congrats on one month!!! So sorry you had no power for 4 hours, sweating with your thoughts lol! But really, you used that time wisely and had clarity!
I can identify with boredom and feeling out of control in a lot of areas in my life. I don't drink today and have accepted it's not an option.
Your post is amazing! You are growing in your recovery. It's so beauitful to watch the miracle happen
Congrats on one month!!! So sorry you had no power for 4 hours, sweating with your thoughts lol! But really, you used that time wisely and had clarity!
I can identify with boredom and feeling out of control in a lot of areas in my life. I don't drink today and have accepted it's not an option.
Your post is amazing! You are growing in your recovery. It's so beauitful to watch the miracle happen
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Congratulations GiGi - such fantastic news. You've come so far! It's wonderful to read. Good for you for beating those cravings and for understanding what may be behind them.
For me, control is something that I definitely crave, and when I'm not in control of situations I can get very stressed. I also get very upset if I perceive someone is trying to control me/my life (when they probably aren't) and I think you've picked up on a good point - I think fear of/lack of/need for control is probably something that enters most alcoholics minds at some point.
I'm trying to work on that aspect of me - I know that being in control 100% of the time is completely unrealistic and also trying to be a little more aware that most people aren't attempting to control me.
Congrats again GiGi and thanks for the great post!
For me, control is something that I definitely crave, and when I'm not in control of situations I can get very stressed. I also get very upset if I perceive someone is trying to control me/my life (when they probably aren't) and I think you've picked up on a good point - I think fear of/lack of/need for control is probably something that enters most alcoholics minds at some point.
I'm trying to work on that aspect of me - I know that being in control 100% of the time is completely unrealistic and also trying to be a little more aware that most people aren't attempting to control me.
Congrats again GiGi and thanks for the great post!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 1,067
Good job on not drinking during that storm! I've been staying in a hotel in times sq all week so I had quite the view of it... 7000 lightning strikes?! That was truly amazing!
Boredom was always a key trigger for me. The funny part is... boredom and drinking feed one another to create and endless loop. Since you're hungover all the time you don't feel like doing much and become bored... drink to relieve it... rinse and repeat. I now try to plan out my days and fill them with activity. I find myself doing more and more. When I was drinking I NEVER planned out my days... except my trips to the package store.
Take care and god bless!
Boredom was always a key trigger for me. The funny part is... boredom and drinking feed one another to create and endless loop. Since you're hungover all the time you don't feel like doing much and become bored... drink to relieve it... rinse and repeat. I now try to plan out my days and fill them with activity. I find myself doing more and more. When I was drinking I NEVER planned out my days... except my trips to the package store.
Take care and god bless!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 96
Mrs King...funny I'm exactly the way you are with the control aspect. I just never applied it to drinking before. Due to my anxiety disorder and trying to get IT under control (no pun intended) when speaking to therapists in the past about the multitude of loss i had endured and all these episodes of anxiety.. the one main thing he pointed out to me was my anxiety was due to my feeling i had ZERO control over my situations..which i didnt (not the alcohol, just other life events). It even would go down to me being a bit pensive in a car if i wasnt driving (and i hate driving) lol.. but "I" was not in full control over the situation and it would scare me to death... I've learned to simply accept that i cannot control every aspect of my life and when bad things happen..deal with them differently.... sometimes, its nice to let others, or situations take the helm once in a while... 
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@ Joebi - Yep that was me.. always planning ahead.. making sure i had enough to get me through the night.. enough to stave off the shakes in the morning.. clocking the amount of time i would have until i could get to the store to replenish my stash.. the vicious cycle of desperation and despair!... btw.. yes it WAS a most gorgeous lightning show last night and i cant imagine your view in the city..wow!.. glad my AC is back though! lol
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Yes! The amount of nips that I used to bring to work was based on how long my shift was. One per 1.5 hours for the most part. When I look back on how I was "OK" with doing that everyday it blows my mind. What the F*** was I thinking? I wouldn't really get drunk during that time... just buzzed enough so that I wouldn't shake. Then when I got home it was off to the races... all day everyday. I thank god that I don't have to live like that anymore. Great job on one month... it will only keep getting better! Keep at it!
I wouldn't really get drunk during that time... just buzzed enough so that I wouldn't shake. Then when I got home it was off to the races... all day everyday. I thank god that I don't have to live like that anymore. Great job on one month... it will only keep getting better! Keep at it!
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Jobei.. i swear its like we lived the exact same life!!! lol.. i too, at work would carry a flask in my purse.. and every hour.. off to the ladies room for that little "nip"..just like you, not to get drunk..but to maintain that feeling and not get the shakes... amazing how calculated we can be as alcoholics... if we can now learn to put as much effort into other aspects of our lives.. imagine what we could accomplish!!!
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Originally Posted by GiG
I just trying to understand why i drank so much at times... what was so much fun about drinking alone in my room, shutting the world away just to catch a quiet buzz in solitude? The few things i could surmise were simply...
.What matters is you have
ONE MONTH! SOBER! W0ot wOoT! Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Congratulations Gigi! My journey through recovery was a blessing in disguise. I've had so many "light bulb" moments. Being sober gave me time to reflect on my life and the different areas I needed to work on. They were always there, I was just numbing myself to avoid change.
Sounds like you're doing some reflecting of your own. Great job Gigi! Being sober can be a positive time in your life. It's all about your perception of the journey. Love your positive attitude.
Best Wishes To You!
Sounds like you're doing some reflecting of your own. Great job Gigi! Being sober can be a positive time in your life. It's all about your perception of the journey. Love your positive attitude.
Best Wishes To You!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Awesome gigi!! I sometimes PRAY for a power outage for the simple thing you experienced. Silence that allows me to really think and kind of meditate. It's amazing when we take away all the distractions how we start to discover things about ourselves.
Congrats on the one month!!!
Congrats on the one month!!!
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Originally Posted by GiGi13 
Wow.. I must say I'm even amazed at myself that I've made it this far. 6 years of having a torrid love affair with Vodka and never being able to break up with it for more then a few days or a week here and there. This is a huge milestone for me and I couldn't be more proud of myself!
I feel wonderful, I feel free, I feel empowered, I feel liberated!
I had allot of time to think last night. (unfortunately a bad storm knocked out my power for about 4 hours) And let me tell you.. when mother nature takes away your electricity, you have nothing to do BUT to think... No lights No AC!!, No Tv, No Computer, ... and you sitting there in the dark... sweating ( LOL) with nothing but your own thoughts and reflections.. how very...little house on the prairie lol ... ( I would have preferred the AC to be working however...soooo not a fan of the heat) Anyway...
Boredom sets in and i start getting fidgety.. antsy.... what in God's name am i gunna do till this power comes back on... then the dreaded thoughts seep in... I cant tell you how many times in a 4 hour period i contemplated so badly driving to that liquor store to score a pint... It was eating at me like a cancer. Im sure i will have more days like this.. but i sat there contemplating just why that urge was soooo strong... and i realized.... boredom!!!
It's amazing how little things that happen in life turn into lessons to help you realize things you never saw before. Did i really drink sometimes out of plain old boredom? Mind you im not shunning away the addiction aspect...just trying to understand why i drank so much at times... what was so much fun about drinking alone in my room, shutting the world away just to catch a quiet buzz in solitude? The few things i could surmise were simply...
I had no CONTROL over the power, but I had CONTROL over deciding if i wanted to drink and that would be my source of entertainment to alleviate the boredom.
I've been out of work... tried of sending hundreds of resumes.. no friends to hang with during the day because they were either working, or doing things with their families...boredom.. I had no CONTROL over that situation.. but i had CONTROL over getting myself buzzed or drunk, again for entertainment.
I had no CONTROL over the times i would fight with my mother over my drinking as she was just concerned for me and would cry. I had no CONTROL over her fears and sadness... But i had CONTROL on how to shut them out of my mind and not deal with my own shame of causing it..by drinking.
I started thinking about so many stories I've read on this forum or people I've spoken to, listened to, who have hard times just even starting their journey to sobriety and how they fear telling their family. Now i know a large part of it may be "shame" as well as many other reasons.. but then something occurred to me..its more then just fear, or shame... It's lack of CONTROL.
Perhaps...just perhaps.. even though we as alcoholics know we have a problem.. know we have to stop, want to stop, try to stop and fail.. and sometimes, some of us don't tell family or friends.. is it because we feel we are giving up a sense of CONTROL? In other words... If we keep it a dirty little secret, (which by the way we are not as candid as we lead ourselves to believe.. im sure allot of people around us know/knew about our problems whether we admitted it to them or not).. If we keep our dirty little secret.. we still maintain (in our diseased minds) sense of CONTROL over it? Maybe its fear that by telling others.. do we feel they will watch our every move? Police us in a way? Monitor, stand guard, whatever.. Maybe its the thought process of "well if i say nothing and do it without support.. at least if i go back it will be less of a disappointment to those we love, and, i can still maintain CONTROL over whether or not i decide to drink again..it will be easier this way because nobody knows about it? I think its that final fig leaf of false sense of CONTROL that many cant part with which leads them down a pathway of fear in telling their loved ones about their problems.
Its such a funny little false sense of CONTROL however... If we truly had CONTROL.. we wouldn't have the problems we do, would we? In thinking we are giving up CONTROL over a situation, we fail to realize that we already gave full control over to alcohol. I've also realized in this short month's time.. just how masterful alcohol truly is at the art of reverse psychology!
A multitude of things ran through my mind last night during those dreaded 4 hours of no power and lack of CONTROL to change the situation unti the electric company fixed the power situation. These are but a few...
There are many recipes for alcoholics.. but last night i realized but ONE of my recipes..
Boredom + lack of CONTROL = disaster!! Think ill throw that recipe out now.. I've somehow lost my taste for that dish!
OH..and btw...to that one very special person (insert sarcasm here) who called me a lush, looser, pathetic alcoholic who will fail at everything I ever tried and said I would never make it past one month...
A very VERY big EFF YOU!!
Thanks for listening all Stay strong, stay sober, and keep the faith!
and now for your viewing pleasure.. here is a dancing banana --->
I feel wonderful, I feel free, I feel empowered, I feel liberated!
I had allot of time to think last night. (unfortunately a bad storm knocked out my power for about 4 hours) And let me tell you.. when mother nature takes away your electricity, you have nothing to do BUT to think... No lights No AC!!, No Tv, No Computer, ... and you sitting there in the dark... sweating ( LOL) with nothing but your own thoughts and reflections.. how very...little house on the prairie lol ... ( I would have preferred the AC to be working however...soooo not a fan of the heat) Anyway...
Boredom sets in and i start getting fidgety.. antsy.... what in God's name am i gunna do till this power comes back on... then the dreaded thoughts seep in... I cant tell you how many times in a 4 hour period i contemplated so badly driving to that liquor store to score a pint... It was eating at me like a cancer. Im sure i will have more days like this.. but i sat there contemplating just why that urge was soooo strong... and i realized.... boredom!!!
It's amazing how little things that happen in life turn into lessons to help you realize things you never saw before. Did i really drink sometimes out of plain old boredom? Mind you im not shunning away the addiction aspect...just trying to understand why i drank so much at times... what was so much fun about drinking alone in my room, shutting the world away just to catch a quiet buzz in solitude? The few things i could surmise were simply...
I had no CONTROL over the power, but I had CONTROL over deciding if i wanted to drink and that would be my source of entertainment to alleviate the boredom.
I've been out of work... tried of sending hundreds of resumes.. no friends to hang with during the day because they were either working, or doing things with their families...boredom.. I had no CONTROL over that situation.. but i had CONTROL over getting myself buzzed or drunk, again for entertainment.
I had no CONTROL over the times i would fight with my mother over my drinking as she was just concerned for me and would cry. I had no CONTROL over her fears and sadness... But i had CONTROL on how to shut them out of my mind and not deal with my own shame of causing it..by drinking.
I started thinking about so many stories I've read on this forum or people I've spoken to, listened to, who have hard times just even starting their journey to sobriety and how they fear telling their family. Now i know a large part of it may be "shame" as well as many other reasons.. but then something occurred to me..its more then just fear, or shame... It's lack of CONTROL.
Perhaps...just perhaps.. even though we as alcoholics know we have a problem.. know we have to stop, want to stop, try to stop and fail.. and sometimes, some of us don't tell family or friends.. is it because we feel we are giving up a sense of CONTROL? In other words... If we keep it a dirty little secret, (which by the way we are not as candid as we lead ourselves to believe.. im sure allot of people around us know/knew about our problems whether we admitted it to them or not).. If we keep our dirty little secret.. we still maintain (in our diseased minds) sense of CONTROL over it? Maybe its fear that by telling others.. do we feel they will watch our every move? Police us in a way? Monitor, stand guard, whatever.. Maybe its the thought process of "well if i say nothing and do it without support.. at least if i go back it will be less of a disappointment to those we love, and, i can still maintain CONTROL over whether or not i decide to drink again..it will be easier this way because nobody knows about it? I think its that final fig leaf of false sense of CONTROL that many cant part with which leads them down a pathway of fear in telling their loved ones about their problems.
Its such a funny little false sense of CONTROL however... If we truly had CONTROL.. we wouldn't have the problems we do, would we? In thinking we are giving up CONTROL over a situation, we fail to realize that we already gave full control over to alcohol. I've also realized in this short month's time.. just how masterful alcohol truly is at the art of reverse psychology!
A multitude of things ran through my mind last night during those dreaded 4 hours of no power and lack of CONTROL to change the situation unti the electric company fixed the power situation. These are but a few...
There are many recipes for alcoholics.. but last night i realized but ONE of my recipes..
Boredom + lack of CONTROL = disaster!! Think ill throw that recipe out now.. I've somehow lost my taste for that dish!
OH..and btw...to that one very special person (insert sarcasm here) who called me a lush, looser, pathetic alcoholic who will fail at everything I ever tried and said I would never make it past one month...
A very VERY big EFF YOU!!
Thanks for listening all
Stay strong, stay sober, and keep the faith!and now for your viewing pleasure.. here is a dancing banana --->
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Great post, GiGi! Congrats on a month sober, too - that's wonderful!
I think you're totally on the mark about the issue of control. If we couldn't change our circumstances, we could at least change our mood, right? Of course, it comes back to bite us because when the drink/drug wears off, we're no closer to a solution. In fact, we can't even see the problem because we're running away from it.
To me, control is really all about fear, and it can run your life as long as you don't look at it. It's like a big scary monster that just grows and grows until we look behind it and see there's nothing there but ourselves. What's so cool about sobriety is having insights like you've just had. It will continue to happen, too. It's kinda like peeling an onion - it takes a few tears, but each layer you get rid of give you more freedom.
Thanks again for the post and keep up the good work!
I think you're totally on the mark about the issue of control. If we couldn't change our circumstances, we could at least change our mood, right? Of course, it comes back to bite us because when the drink/drug wears off, we're no closer to a solution. In fact, we can't even see the problem because we're running away from it.
To me, control is really all about fear, and it can run your life as long as you don't look at it. It's like a big scary monster that just grows and grows until we look behind it and see there's nothing there but ourselves. What's so cool about sobriety is having insights like you've just had. It will continue to happen, too. It's kinda like peeling an onion - it takes a few tears, but each layer you get rid of give you more freedom.
Thanks again for the post and keep up the good work!
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