MightyMung

Interesting and thought provoking.

My mind is saying: "I will not drink". Full stop. "Will" is the operative word. When 'will' this session of sobriety begin? I plan to cease all consumption of intoxicants; alcohol, benzodiazepine, narcotic or otherwise as soon as I return home and I get into a routine of study at university.

But, becoming teetotal at my age is difficult. I want to do it, I want to be sober, to enjoy life's wonders with a clear mind, but I worry I will cascade into deeper depths than imaginable should a liberal attitude take over and let intoxicants take center stage again.

Drink and drugs have been the focus of my life for too long.. I need to find something to fill the void. At the moment, life is boring without drugs. I can go sightseeing, yes - but think how much better it would be to go sightseeing when high? This is the game my mind plays daily, and it is wearisome.

Every day i've been hopped up on whatever substance is available - I feel "normal" at the moment, even after 30cl of brandy, 24mg of bromazepam and 240mg dihydrocodeine. After such a cocktail of intoxicants I am able to act, think and behave normally. That, in itself, is most certainly not normal, and cause for concern. It is become habitual, like drinking water and eating food.

I don't want to live like this any longer but my willpower is too weak at the moment.

Tomorrow is another day. Once again, i'm going to ride my elephant, bathe in the waterfall and binge on fresh Lao jungle food. If I don't feel complete after doing those things sober, I will consider seeking professional help. But, at the moment, my life seems to be geared around finding the next psychoactive chemical. The other night I was offered china white heroin from a tuk-tuk driver, and I accepted. It turned out to be fake - nothing more than harmless powder resembling the heroin that is produced in the 'golden triangle' of SE Asia.

A normal person does not do things like that, and I want to become a normal person again.

Long-winded ramble over.