MightyMung

I have just sent a text message to a very dear friend who I lied to recently.

I may sound silly, but when I was blackout drunk about 3 months ago, I rang him up and told him i'd had a threesome with two girls. It never happened.

I lied when drunk, and we all know alcohol stops you from thinking clearly. For 3 months i've had to watch what i've been saying around him to prevent the lie being revealed. I was sick of it, so I bit the bullet and confessed to him, letting him know that i'm confessing because I value him greatly as a friend, and don't want him to think of me as a spineless liar should the truth come out.

I've felt terrible about this lie for months. I just wanted to post to ask if anyone else has been in a similar situation - lying to people you care about because of the booze clouding your judgement.

Although my lie maybe wasn't as severe as lying to a partner about infidelity, or lying about something to escape legal action, it has still plagued me ever since I told the lie. I am dreading his response to my confession, as social status is very important amongst people my age and to lie about something like this is basically social suicide.

I think I feel better having confessed to the lie now, and especially now I've found yet another reason to conclude that booze is an awful influence in my life. I am still terrified he will think less of me or not want to speak to me any more.

I value his friendship immensely and despite being a young man who has put up with a lot, I feel close to tears when I think I may have thrown away all the mutual respect we built up over the past 8 years through a stupid, drunken, bullcrap lie. I didn't realise how much I valued his friendship until it has been put on the line. We were drifting apart anyway because we have moved to university in different parts of the country, and I am travelling Asia at the moment. I don't want our final few months of friendship to be darkened by the fact i've had to tell him i'm a pathetic liar.

Sorry for the self pitying thread, i've been travelling and had a lot of time to think. I'm in a small guesthouse in Luang Prabang in Laos and my thoughts were racing while trying to get to sleep. I am on the cusp of adulthood and have some important decisions to make, but the reality is i'm drifting away from all my friends, i'm thousands of miles away from home and I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. I should be enjoying travelling but I feel totally alone, like i'm a burden to my friends.

Again, sorry to pour my heart out but I didn't know what else to do. I cannot sleep from the worry and stress, yet I should be having the time of my life here in Asia. I feel time is running out and I have big decisions to make that could make or break my life and everything seems to be going wrong all at once.

Has anyone else felt the same? Feeling friends drifting away, feeling guilty for lying/making a fool out of themselves when they were drinking/using?

I haven't posted in a while, and i'm not sure if i'll even be remembered on here. But I really just needed to put my thoughts out there. I'm in the middle of a foreign country and i'm scared. Scared of being a failure, scared of how my friend will react to the news that I lied to him to impress him, scared that my best friends from school who I was so close to will just remember me as a drunken idiot. They've all made new lives for themselves so quickly and I feel like a burden by keeping in contact with them, I feel I need to 'let them go', so to speak. But how can I when they're all I have? Why haven't I made new friends yet? It seems unfair that one minute we're all great friends and the next I have to force conversation with them. Despite the 8 brilliant years we've all had together, it feels like we never even knew each other.

How does one cope when it feels like you're in "no mans land" - when one brilliant part of life has definitely come to a close, never to be recovered, and the future is looming, but you're stuck in the middle, longing for things to be as they were, but also fully aware that they never will be the same again?

I never believed it until now, all the propaganda about the transfer from adolescence to adulthood that said it was difficult and emotional, but I really feel it now. Sitting in some crummy Asian sweatbox without even a friend to talk to on facebook. Sorry for the rambling post but I needed to post these thoughts somewhere or I was worried i'd go insane with the worry.

Thanks,
MightyMung

NoFireWater

Jake, you're not the first guy to lie about being in a threesome and I doubt you'll be the last It took guts to admit the lie to your friend, and I admire you also told him how much you valued his friendship. Many men cannot express their feelings well and it's a shame. You're lucky you have the ability to do that.

It's not unusual for very close groups of friends to break apart as they get older. Life happens, and people get caught up in new situations. As you get older, ironically you often come back to those old friends who you were so close to "back in the day".

Are you traveling for school? For fun? For work? Can you find out where you can go in the place you're living to meet people? Tried any AA meetings? Might help you sort out your feelings and meet friends as well...

MrsKing

Hi Jake.

As far as lying goes... making up a threesome is nothing compared to the lies I've told... the things I've said... the things I've done. I've told the most horrific lies and though I'm not excusing them, I was in a very bad place and so drunk I didn't even know what life was, let alone truth... I do beat myself up about it from time to time, which I think is completely natural, but I have also learned that no matter what, we must forgive ourselves. Without that, we will never be able to more forward and we will be forever locked in our drunken ways, even though we're not drunk any more. Try to be more forgiving of your past - would you be so judgemental to others, if they came to you for these reasons?

Also, what you did was very admirable... that takes a huge amount of courage and humility and you are obviously a very mature, considerate individual.

Laos? Am so jealous!

freshstart57

MightyMung, I certainly remember your previous posts and I was most interested to read what you had to say today. I was looking for some well written thoughts that would give me an opportunity for introspection, and I was not disappointed.

Take this thought just a little further. You are actually not in the middle, but at the top of a mountain, a peak. You are restricting your vision to your past, what is behind you now. Swing around and look forward - what do you see?

I see limitless opportunity for you, MightMung. Your only limitations are within your own mind. Open that up, experience what is around you, and get at it. Time's a wasting!

Best to you.

changer

mightymung, i'm a relative newcomer to this site, and sobriety in general (two months), and your post is just beautiful. yes, i have felt that way, many, many times.
i can completely identify with you. i have to run to a talk, so i don't have the time i'd like to respond to your thoughts, but i will keep you in mine.
you sound like a pretty remarkable person, and letting go is hard.
keep strong

Dee74

I remember you too Mung - welcome back

Like others have said, I told bigger lies...I'm grateful they did not impact my life or my relationships in any lasting way.

I'm sure this will be the case too.
True friendships can withstand a lot

...and I agree with FreshStart...this coming chapter may be the best yet...because, as a adult, you have a greater say in who you are and what happens in your world than ever before...

it's normal to be scared, and it's normal to wonder if you're up to the task...but with the kind of introspection and honesty you've shown here I'm sure you'll do fine

I hope your recovery is going well - enjoy the rest of your holiday

D

awuh1

Good to see you back Mung.

TodayisGood

Wow Mung, great writing. Would you write more about your experiences in Laos? Love to read about it.

hypochondriac

Yay, MightyMung I have been wondering how you were... x

All I can say is at least you are making the transfer from adolescence to adulthood at the right age! It took guts to fess up so well done. I'm really glad you're still around. Enjoy your time in Laos and don't give yourself a hard time. You're still sober right? How did you get on with AA while you were still in England? x

sugarbear1

Did you end up crying? Feeling those feelings?

I only ask as we alkies tend to be people who don't like to feel real feelings....

ACT10Npack

I don't see the big deal about lying about having a threesome. I would have laugh or something silly about that. Now, if it was your friend's sister then I can understand that. If you feel better about telling the truth to your friend then all the best. A clear mind is a happy mind.

effortjoy

I'm not sure I ever made that transition from adolescence even though I'm almost fifteen years older than you and married with kids. Since I started drinking I don't think I really grew much at all. It's great that you are stopping now. Half the lies I have told I don't remember and the other half I still don't have the courage to admit to.

MightyMung

My friend replied in the best way possible. He basically said he'd never let us drift apart and he admitted he's told awful lies that he's had to keep going out of shame and guilt. His response was great and although it was only a small lie, I feel great having cleared the air.

MightyMung

I agree, there's no big deal as such - it's not as though my life is on the line due to the lie, or i'm risking my career or something. It's just that this friendship was based on trust, we never lied to each other, no matter what. So even though it was an unimportant lie it was hanging over me like a ripe raincloud. It probably seems silly but it was really important to me, and I think the key to sobriety is not only putting down the booze, but also facing up to the mistakes you made when you were drinking, however small. I feel a lot better having 'fessed up, and better still knowing that my friend has been in the same boat and not only accepts it, but sympathises with me.

MightyMung

No crying i'm afraid. Sorry to disappoint haha.

I do love wallowing in my feelings though. It helps me to understand them better and move forward. My technique tends to be 1.) identify the emotion 2.) ignore whatever the emotion is trying to make me do (e.g if angry and i want to break something, i consciously say "no" and then 3.) work through the emotion.

I like being able to "feel" - boozing to the extent that I was stopped me being able to even recognise, nevermind deal with emotions that cropped up.

I'm sure you'll agree that feeling emotions, even those with stigma attached such as sadness to the point of blubbing, is a positive experience.

Without intending to go all hippy/new wave/"therapist" on everyone, I think understanding and working with your emotions, rather than drowning them, or working against them, is the key to true happiness.

Zencat

I think you have it within you to make all the changes you would need making for sober living. What plans do you have to make change? What is you idea of change? Sorry if I may have missed your intent of a recovery program. Just asking the hard questions.

Here take a look at these links; SOS, LifeRing, SMART, CBT, Urge Surfing, DBT and AVRT.

Maybe there is something you can do 'now' as practice of recovery. Or what is helping you now?

Not to drill you up on a bunch of questions...just wondering what your up to.

I'm glad your here, I hope to get to know you better that's all.

MightyMung

I am afraid to say I am not still sober, no.

I'm not going to make excuses, justify it or rationalise it. But at this point in time (a very important element to consider), drinking and drug abuse has not been too much of a negative influence in my life.

I am consciously aware that I have a problem, I am consciously aware that this way of life is not one which I wish to follow, and I am consciously aware of the damage I am doing to my progress by indulging in forbidden vices.

Alas, while backpacking, the social scene is dominated by alcohol. I do not drink to oblivion, and I am able to stop after a few. I let others dictate when we stop drinking, and I haven't felt any of that resentment I used to feel when it was time to stop drinking at home. I've averaged 1 beer per day out here.

Still, I know that I cannot drink when I return home. I'm not using this trip to lull myself back into my old habits; i know my mind too well. Yes, I feel guilty for drinking, indeed, I feel I could have experienced much more of Asia had I not frequented backpacking bars. But, I have made lifelong friends here, and the cost of making those friends was drinking one or two beers.

Early on in my travels, before going to bed, i had thoughts such as "you've wasted today, you idiot. All you've done is shopped around pharmacies and taken a cornucopia of drugs." My inner monologue kept me in check, and i realised that the key to staying on the straight and narrow is keeping busy.

Tomorrow, i'm going to be riding elephants for a day in the jungle, before bathing in a natural waterfall. There's no time for drugs or drinking there.

Yes, i've failed in staying sober. I would happily call it a failure. But, I will not let myself return to the way I was once I get home. I can never socially drink again at home - here, I am too busy to drink, except for maybe one beer per evening while talking to new friends. Home is a different matter. I am never going to justify drinking at home again. I am unable to control it, and my situation at home nurtures excessive drinking. At home, I will not take the first drink.

I know it probably sounds like a cop out, and I agree, it probably is. But, so far, i've managed to ride an elephant, cuddle baby tigers, trek the burmese border, live with a hilltribe for two days, drive a motorbike around the south Thai islands and take part in a remake of "Moulin Rouge" dressed up as a woman. Booze has been a part of this, yes, but not a central part like it was at home. Booze has not stopped me enjoying myself in Asia, whereas at home, it ruined my life.

When I am home, I cannot and will not allow myself to drink.

So, I almost feel as though I need to apologise for not being totally sober. I agree, it was weak of me to decide to drink again, and who knows? Maybe i've missed something amazing because I was too busy in a bar. But I don't regret anything i've done out here - the few times i've been out to a bar or a club have been amazing, and booze has not been the focus. In fact, it's barely played a part at all.

(This post is probably a bit choppy so I apologise, kept having to leave the laptop to deal with things so it may not be completely coherent).

Zencat

I concur somewhat. I operate best when my emotions are managed. I still have the swings that are emotions; up down and such. Yet the center of me stays steady, feeling my emotions and not being swayed all about by my my emotions.

jobei

I hope it all works out for you buddy... you know that drinking is bad for you and that you have a problem with it... so if you continue the end result is inevitable. This is something that is very hard to grasp until it actually happens and of course, it's too late at that point. I sure wish that by some miracle of innervision that I had been able to figure that out when I was your age...

Take care and don't drink the water!

GerandTwine

WOW! Good decision. In my drinking/toking career, that would have been a dreamlike opportunity to light up a doobie and pop a bottle of sparkling champagne.

I see YOU ("I") and IT ("myself") are still dukin' it out about future drinking.