Zee

I hit 'my' bottom nearly a year ago. It's not a nice place to be. I detoxed in hospital and was there for a month with a tube in my nose feeding me, and a tube in my stomach draining toxic fluid from my stomach cavity (ascites). The rest of my convalesence has been a struggle too.

I have all kinds of anxiety, but I am learning to face them, rather than numb them with alcohol.

We all do 'one day at a time'... my resolve is strong though. I cannot go back to 'my' bottom again. My body turned against me very quickly.

DisplacedGRITS

i used to feel that way. then i realized that i only had power over the first drink. after that first drink, the drink had the power over me. now i'm not mad. i'm just grateful for the power i have over that first drink. i win. every time.

Someguy23

I'm having a lot of trouble with the "never" too.

For now, I just avoid saying "never". I say "today" and maybe "this week". Maybe it's a cop out, I don't know. It has the disadvantage that a good day doesn't carry over to the next. It has the advantage that a bad day doesn't carry over to the next either...

skeletoncrue

I used to think drinking alcohol to lower my inhibitions around strangers was fun.

Now I realize that we have inhibitions for a very good reason.

Lowering them with alcohol and doing things I regretted with people I don't even know, is NOT fun.

I'm lucky I wasn't killed by one of those strangers I was so shy around.

Being sober and aware of what's going on around me feels SO much better.

Dee74

Never was a big one for me too - it seemed so massive, the concept of never was meaningless to me.

'Not drinking today' on the other hand seemed reasonable to achieve...and I made the vow to continue to make that 'no drinking today' commitment daily...

eventually 'never' came to seem as achievable as 'not today'

stick with it jm
D

freshstart57

For me, never was the only way to go. I never wanted go back to where I was. I never wanted to be sick and hungover like that. I never wanted to be so anxious I couldn't leave my house. I never wanted to see that disappointment in their father on my kid's faces again. I never wanted to feel worthless and ashamed like that again. Ever.

Never is good.

sugarbear1

I was once concerned with the "never" thing, too. Of course, at that time, I hadn't even really stayed stopped just yet. I was looking way too far into the future to live life in today.

I stayed stopped one day after the next. Today, I don't really think about "never" as I know I can't drink because of the consequences that I will have to endure. It's just not in the picture, today.

Eddiebuckle

Personally, if that question is difficult to answer - I'd skip parties for awhile. You may eventually get to a place where being around alcohol is not that difficult to navigate, but until you are comfortable your best bet is to avoid situations that put you at risk.

Threshold

The idea of NEVER doing, seeing, feeling, smelling, experiencing a certain something again gets me all nervous and weepy. I had to ditch that idea early on.

For everything there is a season. Tru dat.

And it's a great priveledge and honor to experience everything in it's season, but then the season passes. Hanging on past the "sell by" date, caters to nostalgia at the cost of all those other things who's seasons have come but cant do their thing because the old habit is hogging the stage.

I LOVED being pregnant, having and raising my kids. Hands down, best thing I've ever done. I did the heck out of it! But I've had a hysterectomy and I will never do it again.

I can't plan my days around all the things I will never do again. There are so many things in my life who's seasons have arrived, that I am busy with.

I get a little wistful every now and then, that my baby making days are over, but then...I'm happy that some of the other things that went with that are over too. it's really truly OK.

It's really truly OK that I don't drink and drug. That particular experiment WAY overstayed it's welcome. There are so many other things in my life to experience.

I was at the dentist the other day for a tooth filling. After he gave me the pain blocking shot, he had me rinse the numbing goop out of my mouth. As I did this, a glob of it got onto my soft palate. In a minute I couldn't feel my soft palate or the hangy thing in the back of my mouth. I couldn't feel myself swallow, and I sort of freaked. I kept trying to clear my throat, which was all numb, and couldn't feel if it was having any effect. Everything was weird and I felt like I was going to choke to death, because I was sure that some spit would go straight into my lungs....I got pretty worked up. Dental asssistant heard my repeated throat clearing and came to check on me. I told her what was going on, she told me everything was ok, had me gargle and rinse a few times to wash the goop away, and she was right, it was OK.

See, she has LOTs of experience with this, it was my first time. I panicked. I was sure something awful was happening. She told me otherwise...and instead of going into a panic, I chose to trust her and follow her instructions, in a short while I realized everything was ok.

My recovery has been that way too. At first I was panicky over losing sight of the old shore, what if I wanted to go back? what if I NEEDED to go back? Forever is a long time...But people who'd been sober awhile told me it was OK, I was fine, That I didn't have to worry over the never agains, just get busy living and the nevers and forevers take care of themselves. Sometimes how a thing feels (me choking) is just a feeling, not a reality. Having people here at SR to give me a reality check has been a real life saver. They've seen, felt, experienced it all before.

ACT10Npack

OP, why not start drinking for a month and see how you feel. You can always start up drinking again when ever you want. If you view alcohol as a party drug then things will also get worst and it will progress. Drinking to help with anxiety will do the same thing too.

If you ever have a change to drink moderate then you need to be in a good mindset, dealing with your anxiety without using alcohol, stop using the alcohol as a party drug and so on and so on.

Let your liver have a break!

FreddyFatal

I feel the exact same way.. I have done things while drunk that I never would have ever considered while sober. All it does is make for incredibly bad situations and increased anxiety when you finally do sober up.

navy0923

Knowing that if I kept drinking would eventually kill me is enough for me to stop for ever. I know this is easier said than done but the thought of my five year old twins not having me around because I couldn't beat this disease is unacceptable to me. I can't drink in moderation, once one goes down it was game on. However I know I can go the rest of my life not having that first drink. If I don't have one the other two or three ....or twelve can't follow. Hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Shawn