FlyerFan

Chances are he probably knows what your drinking years were like even if you don't think he does. My boyfriend knew all about me even when I thought I was hiding it pretty well. Lol.

Pretending something never happened won't make you any happier. But talking about it and ADMITTING it will in fact lighten your conscience and start the framework for an open and honest future.


EDIT: Also you don't have to tell friends and family right away. I didnt tell mine until i was 4 months sober. And they were all proud of me. Don't sell yourself short hun. Think positive.

onlythetruth

effortjoy:

You know, I think I do get what you are talking about. Right before I quit drinking, I went through a period of time where I wanted very badly to quit, and I wanted to get help, but there was a piece of me that was still hanging on. After I did quit, I likened that period of time to water skiing, and holding onto the tow rope after falling down....you know you're NEVER going to be able to get back up, but you're still hanging on for dear life, as if somehow you could, if you just hang on long enough.

And I also remember the first time I ever told those close to me that I was an alcoholic. God, the first person I told, after my husband, was my best friend, and I remember stumbling over the words, thinking she was never going to talk to me again (she actually supported me immensely). And I had to tell my husband, since he was the one who caught me so drunk that I'd passed out in a puddle of pee on the floor (kind of hard to hide it after something like THAT happens.)

So yeah, it's kind of a tough thing sometimes, this "outing" process, but I honestly don't believe there is really a choice. Becoming addicted is not shameful, it's human, and it happens to lots of people. Fortunately, recovery happens too...yep, it really does.

sugarbear1

We have around 1200 meetings a week in the DC/MD/VA area! Lots of support is available!

I have nothing to offer regarding not telling hubby, but I know of some people who attended meetings before they told anyone they were going. What's your gut tell you?

I wish you well! Private message me if you want some meeting suggestions!

DocM

Going through this a bit myself. The key for me is that the "Anonymous" part of AA is what makes it safe to go in the first place. Not that anyone wants to "hurt" me, especially my family, but there's a time for them to know, when it will be right, and when I know I will be able to speak with them more freely than now. In my case, the issues have to be sorted out in a certain order for me to be comfortable with them. First -- stop drinking. I don't think if it as "hiding" so much as taking one step at a time. If I allow it to be overwhelming it doesn't happen (and my way of dealing with the word "overwhelming" is the problem, in my own life -- I excuse my drinking with it.)

ACT10Npack

Tell your husband about AA and you quitting alcohol. If he loves you then he will support you from quitting with AA or not.

hector

When I joined AA I was an owner-operator for a courier service. My van was bright yellow with black, red and blue signs on it, very easy to recognize. When I was drinking I thought nothing of parking it right out front of the bar, beside ten or twelve other vans from the same company. It never crossed my mind that we might damage the company's reputation.

After I quit drinking and joined AA, I'd hide the van in the back row of the local club parking lot, between other vehicles. I didn't want to shame the company by letting people see it in an AA parking lot. It took months for me to realize how silly that was.

Do as you see fit. Tell or don't tell your husband about your AA attendance. No one knows your situation better than you do. Trust yourself. Your husband can swim in that river in Egypt as long as he has to. You know the one............. de nile.

Keep coming in. We need you as much as you need us.

sugarbear1

usually the only people who know where meetings are located are the people who go to the meetings. our meetings don't have signs...

Notmyrealname

I think it is not a good idea to hide something like this from your spouse. The chances that he will respond badly to you taking steps towards maintaining sobriety are very, very low. The chances that he will wonder WTF you are doing disappearing for an hour and a half a couple nights every week with different implausible excuses and perhaps jump to the wrong conclusions are much better.

Amy2011

I spent so much time "hiding" my drinking that I didn't want to hide my decision to get sober. I told my husband the first day I went to AA. It was scary and it made me accountable to my decision to start to heal myself and our family. He knew how bad my drinking was and I hadn't really been "hiding" anything I was just lying to myself that he didn't know I was drinking. I also told my 2 children within the first week. I needed the support of AA and my family to get sober. Early sobriety is hard and I wanted to be successful so I found that being honest about what I was doing helped me. Also, it made it real for me when I voiced my desire to be sober to my husband and children instead of a room full of people who didn't know me. There was no way I was willing to disappoint my children again and not follow through on my commitment to them and living a sober life. Good luck. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Threshold

I was in a similar situation; my husband not wanting anyone to know the gravity of my substance abuse.

I had not "hid" my use, but because I maintained job, house, parental responsibilities, it was easy for me and those around me to stay in comfortable denial as to how serious my situation was.

Getting into NA was HUGE for me, my kids were like "whatever", my friends were surprised, I guess they still thought I could stop if I wanted to.

My husband's reaction was the most puzzling to me. I had imagined he'd be the most supportive, the most enthusiastic, instead he seemed to be resentful.

Our relationship already had heaps of issues and was quickly crumbling, the fact that he clearly cared more for his reputation than me hurt a great deal.

But it's much more complex than that. Now I understand that part of the issue, with him needing to maintain a level of denial was because it injured his reputation with himself. It wasn't so much that someone "out there" might find out as it was that HE didn't want to be the spouse of an addict.

He felt like a failure as a man and husband, that I would have turned to drugs/booze. He had failed at protecting me. He had failed at providing a secure life and stable relationship.

If I was really an addict, if I went to meetings and they helped me, etc, he took it as meaning something about him that he was uncomfortable with.

For a long time, it was easy to point a finger at my behavior as the reason for marital problems etc. But when I got into recovery now the more complex issues were emerging, and some of them were his.

When we take drugs and booze out, the dynamics of all our relationships change, and that can shake things up alot.

what my husband felt, may not be at all what your husband feels.

Saving my life had to be my number one priority. My first year of recovery was quite the thrill ride. But I have recovered.

I mean seriously, what would have been harder on his rep? Having me die of addiction, make a drunken ass of myself repeatedly in front of his colleagues, or people finding out I recovered from substance abuse?

Still and all, I did it for me.

FlyerFan

Yeah, I always dread the thought of logging into facebook to see "BOB CHECKED IN AT: AA MEETING!!!!!" LOL! Could you imagine!?