effortjoy

I just passed one month and two days and I am reaching the point when I think I may need AA to deal with the reasons why I drank. I don't want my husband to know if I go to AA (he won't be supportive and I think it can damage our relationship) But I also don't feel a hundred percent good about hiding it from him because part of my alcoholism was the secrecy and how draining it was to lie and hide and lie again. Has anyone gone to AA without telling anyone?

SmittyBittyBoo

This is an interesting question, I'm interested to hear what others have to say.

SSIL75

Why won't he be supportive?

Live2Run25

If you think it is what you need, or best for you, I think you should go. AA is helping you get better, not lying about drinking. There is a world of difference there. I'm not sure how your husband could possibly thing it'd be a bad thing, but i'm not in your relationship. You need to do what's best for YOU. *hugs*

onlythetruth

I don't hide anything from my husband. I certainly wouldn't hide something like that.

flutter

Would he be willing to go to an open meeting with you? Like you, dishonesty and secrecy were a huge part of my alcoholism..I would worry that hiding something, especially from a spouse, would perpetuate the 'old' thinking I was working so hard to get away from. Personally, no.. I wouldn't hide it from my husband. While it would be nice, your recovery doesn't depend on whether or not he supports it.

MetalChick

I have been hiding AA from my BF, because i don't want him to think I am an alcoholic. I haven't even admitted that to myself, and I am 5 weeks without beer and 6 AA meetings. I am still afraid of the thought of never being able to drink again, and if my BF knows about AA I think he will hold me accountable not to drink realizing I have a bigger problem then he thought. Crazy, I know. He also thinks AA is lame, but I know if I had a heart-to-heart talk with him, he would support me.

aasharon90

With all family members working some sort of
recovery program together then they have a
better chance of living a healthy, happy life together.

So can you.

onlythetruth

MetalChick,

Being held accountable can really help.

I know for myself that being accountable, which meant telling my husband, my close friends, and my family that I was not going to drink anymore was critical. For me, refusing to do that would have meant that I was keeping the door open to the possibility of drinking again.

FlyerFan

Honesty is always the best policy. Because if you keep lying for a long time when they eventually do find out it only adds more stress.

miamifella

My sister's exhusband had to start hiding his attendance at AA meetings from her, because he used it as a place to meet other women.

But it was the cheating that was damaging to his relationship---not attendance at AA.

FlyerFan

Often spouses can get jealous of AA because we spend a lot of time away from home and much more time at meetings, with sponsors, etc.

MetalChick

I know I know... I only committed to 30 days sober then 90 days to see if how it goes, and the longer I go the more I realize how much better I feel about myself, and how drinking was effecting my life greatly...but still not there yet. One day at a time. I hope as time goes on sober, I will want to stay this way for life. I am heading in that direction. Anyhow, this is Effortjoy's thread, so i will shut up about me. Just trying to be brutally honest about the question at hand.

Anna

Effortjoy,

If your husband doesn't support your recovery, know that you can still succeed. I think it would be a really good idea to tell him what you're doing. Getting support is nothing to be ashamed of.

DayTrader

I've never seen AA "damage" a relationship in 5+ years. I've seen it shed some light on a damagED relationship......but it wasn't the cause.

Maaaaaaaany of us "snuck" into AA meetings for a while. I sure didn't broadcast it at first. I felt ashamed that I needed help at all........let alone that I needed help from THAT crowd of dopes! LOLOLOL

That said......I still felt some sort of "calling" to go to AA too. I listened to that calling and went. Over time, I got more comfortable and didn't feel the need to hide it.

Stevie1

I'm sorry you don't feel that your husband will be supportive...seems to me the best thing would be to tell him and include him as much as possible. I think it would be difficult to hide the fact you're going to AA, in the long run. Especially if you get a sponsor and start working the steps...how could you keep all that a secret?

I don't make it a big public thing that I go to AA and am working on my sobriety, but a few people close to me do know.

effortjoy

Everyone's responses were very helpful, thanks so much. My husband does not want me to drink, but he also doesn't want anyone to know I am an alcoholic. He never knew how much I drank and there is still a small voice for me that says if I never tell him then if I change my mind...I can go back to drinking. Even though I have zero desire to drink right now. I don't want to be vulnerable or needy or ask for help- I know that's a problem (not really my husband's problem) but that is where I am right now. I think my husband might get past the reputation thing if he knew how severe my problem was/is but I am just too scared to tell him

gaffo

Quitting drinking is such a huge deal, as we all know, I can only imagine what it must be like to have a life partner do it. I think that in some ways it must feel threatening. Sometimes I feel bad for putting my relationship through it but of course it's for the best. It will make me a stronger and better person--if that doesn't improve a relationship then maybe the relationship needs reconsideration. I'm following the good advice that I've gotten here and avoiding "throwing any bombs" in my marriage at least until I have a year of sobriety. BTW I was still a zombie at 90 days. 6 months was a real breakthrough for me.

Stevie1

You don't have to be explicit about the extent of your drinking...just tell him you really want to remain sober and believe support from AA will help you, perhaps?

If your location is correct under your avatar, I imagine there are lots of meetings you could get to. You don't have to tell anyone ELSE about it. Even though, truly, there's no shame in being an alcoholic and anyone who makes a sincere effort to get sober ought to be praised for their courage, IMO! Lots of famous and wise people have overcome it.

effortjoy

I know there are tons of meetings near me. But I'm also afraid that if I relapse, my husband will be angrier if I 'officially' declare myself an alcoholic instead of just pretending the drinking years never happened. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? I know my marriage must sound awful but it's not that my husband doesn't care. It's just that drinking has created a huge gaping space between us and I think it's better to fill it with positive interactions instead of admitting to him what the past ten years have really been like for me. I'm sure he knows to some extent but for sure not the every day binging part. I also don't want anyone to know, I want to just move on. But I am afraid of relapse and I don't want to be irresponsible this time- I have relapsed so many times before. It just seems like such a big step to move from drinking problem to alcoholism and if AA turns out to not be helpful at all..then it will have been just been embarrassing myself and my family for nothing....Not sure what to do because I have all this anger still and I'm not even sure why- I think I am just angry at myself. Maybe it just takes time for that to go away