Do we continue to isolate in sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
This is a really interesting topic, one I've wondered about too. I think Flutter summed it up great - there really is a big difference between hiding out and shutting off your brain vs. appreciating the peace of being alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS 
Maybe after i find a home group with some women in it. Right now all my meetings have been 90%-100% men. They've been in the downtown location close to my place but i'm going to try to farther out clubs. Thanks for the suggestion. My husband and i are going to join a gaming group too so i might make some friends there. I just feel like i'm in mourning for moving away from my old friends. I'm always moving. Grew up an Army brat and when i found friends in Alabama they moved to colleges, found friends in my adult life then i moved up here. Always on the move.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
There were times during my drinking career that I would isolate. then there were other times I would hang out at the dope house and be social in a disturbing way. It was a mixed bag of behavior.
Like Flutter I have a mix of joyful solitude time and social time. Sometimes I need to relax at home other times I need to get out and about.
I attend a couple of groups at the behavioral health clinic where I talk and hangout with all the newbies to group. There is a day center there at the clinic wheres there more people to meet. Its a great opportunity to discuss treatment matters or just shoot the bull.
Like Flutter I have a mix of joyful solitude time and social time. Sometimes I need to relax at home other times I need to get out and about.
I attend a couple of groups at the behavioral health clinic where I talk and hangout with all the newbies to group. There is a day center there at the clinic wheres there more people to meet. Its a great opportunity to discuss treatment matters or just shoot the bull.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1
I live in a small town in NJ. Been sober now for 6 months after a lifetime of damage caused by drugs and alcohol. I guess you could say I'm literally isolated right now as Id got a DUI before my last stint in rehab.
At this point I'm realizing the reality of persons, places and things. Id built up a dysfunctional, unhealthy group of friends in my addiction and have had to part ways to each and every one. For me, real recovery has been a job of saying goodbye.
Realizing that I need to "isolate" from 90% of people in my life has been a hard reality, but I believe other, healthy relationships will begin.
Baby steps, go with the flow and stay the course!
At this point I'm realizing the reality of persons, places and things. Id built up a dysfunctional, unhealthy group of friends in my addiction and have had to part ways to each and every one. For me, real recovery has been a job of saying goodbye.
Realizing that I need to "isolate" from 90% of people in my life has been a hard reality, but I believe other, healthy relationships will begin.
Baby steps, go with the flow and stay the course!
Recoveringed
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Thump
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters
Chuck C described his EGO being the cause of his "conscious awareness of separation from others" in his book "A new Pair of Glasses"...
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Grits - I've found the same, made friends at university, left and lost touch. I'd already lost touch with friends at home because they all moved away. Then I made friends at work, and lost touch when I... changed jobs. Made friends in clubs that I joined, only to find that when the club wound up...
So yes, I'm a little wary of making friends. I forget who said it, but nothing lasts. Good times, bad times, (I know I've had my share...) they all pass. Some people just get a walk on part in our lives, some stay for a series or two, like Dr Pulaski in TNG. All we can do is enjoy the times we have together. Worrying that it will end just takes away any pleasure we have in living now.
I'm moving to London in September. I could isolate myself, tell myself that there's no point in meeting people I'll only have to say goodbye to in less than 10 weeks. But that's not going to do me any good. And, my higher power willing, we'll stay in touch.
Anyway, I really hope you meet some good people.
So yes, I'm a little wary of making friends. I forget who said it, but nothing lasts. Good times, bad times, (I know I've had my share...) they all pass. Some people just get a walk on part in our lives, some stay for a series or two, like Dr Pulaski in TNG. All we can do is enjoy the times we have together. Worrying that it will end just takes away any pleasure we have in living now.
I'm moving to London in September. I could isolate myself, tell myself that there's no point in meeting people I'll only have to say goodbye to in less than 10 weeks. But that's not going to do me any good. And, my higher power willing, we'll stay in touch.
Anyway, I really hope you meet some good people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by KnowHope
That image was so good. I think it everyday but I really want you to know I am just so grateful you're here. I respect what you have to say
Bob
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
I would like to make a distinction.
I was isolated when I was drinking and drugging that's true.
It's who I was isolated from that makes a difference.
I was real popular as a drunk druggie. Everyone wanted to be around ken. I had the cash to get the drugs and the stamina to party at the bar all day. I was far from being alone. I often took a group of people back to my house to continue activities.
I WAS isolated from society... Family.... Sane people... Old friends.
I feel a sense of loneliness now but not the same as it has been in the past. I like my passive time a lot more now.
When I an not having real cravings I can be quite calm. That's something new.
Like we as alcoholics have facets I think everything about getting and being sober has them to.
It's when we turn them in odd ways do the facets shine brighter or not.
I was isolated when I was drinking and drugging that's true.
It's who I was isolated from that makes a difference.
I was real popular as a drunk druggie. Everyone wanted to be around ken. I had the cash to get the drugs and the stamina to party at the bar all day. I was far from being alone. I often took a group of people back to my house to continue activities.
I WAS isolated from society... Family.... Sane people... Old friends.
I feel a sense of loneliness now but not the same as it has been in the past. I like my passive time a lot more now.
When I an not having real cravings I can be quite calm. That's something new.
Like we as alcoholics have facets I think everything about getting and being sober has them to.
It's when we turn them in odd ways do the facets shine brighter or not.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 746
desertsong
I was just thinking about isolation too. I used to drink on my own. It was just me and 2 bottles of white wine. Anything else did not matter. No friends, no partner, I just did not care. 2 bottles was everything I wanted.
Its day 151 today. I still tend to isolate myself from everybody. And I don't know why. I feel ok to go for a walk, shopping, beach and other stuff, but on my own.
Not sure how to be social again.
Do I need to do anything or just wait till I change? I hope to find good answers in this thread.
I was just thinking about isolation too. I used to drink on my own. It was just me and 2 bottles of white wine. Anything else did not matter. No friends, no partner, I just did not care. 2 bottles was everything I wanted.
Its day 151 today. I still tend to isolate myself from everybody. And I don't know why. I feel ok to go for a walk, shopping, beach and other stuff, but on my own.
Not sure how to be social again.
Do I need to do anything or just wait till I change? I hope to find good answers in this thread.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by Healthyfood
I was just thinking about isolation too. I used to drink on my own. It was just me and 2 bottles of white wine. Anything else did not matter. No friends, no partner, I just did not care. 2 bottles was everything I wanted.
Its day 151 today. I still tend to isolate myself from everybody. And I don't know why. I feel ok to go for a walk, shopping, beach and other stuff, but on my own.
Not sure how to be social again.
Do I need to do anything or just wait till I change? I hope to find good answers in this thread.
I've learned to accept that some people simply aren't going to like me or want to relate to me. I've learned that it's ok for me to not like everyone and to not want to relate to everyone. I've learned how to say no. I've learned how to gracefully withdraw from situations and relationships that make me uncomfortable. I've learned how to say yes to invitations from people I like and enjoy being with. I've learned that if I'm not having a good time, I can leave. I've learned how to be less judgmental and kinder when I'm talking to other people. I've learned not to gossip.
All this is making it much easier for me to be around other people, even though I still can enjoy the time I get to spend alone.
In a few days I'm actually going camping with a group of AA's, most of whom will be strangers to me. I've been invited to this event for several years in a row, but this year is the year I felt strong enough and sober enough to say YES!
I'm one of those people who feels drained if I spend too much time around other people and not enough time recharging my batteries. I hope you're able to find the right balance, too.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
Great thread. I too looked for isolation during my drinking days. On the other hand, I could certainly work drinking into social activities! (...golf, celebrations, cookouts, concerts, playing cards....really anything!) So I am not sure my drinking was related to my isolation or my social activites.
Now that I am sober, I still often look for times to be alone. Heck, I am at home typing this while wife is out to a show with her brother's family. I am ok with this and liken it to the concept of "recharging my batteries" mentioned above. There is no desire to drink.
What scares me is that it seems like so much work to cultivate true friendships! I have been trained and practiced enough to be social at parties or any other event where I must "mingle" but I really do not enjoy it. Seems like a necessary evil that I must endure in hopes of finding some significant relationship with others that my wife and I can enjoy and trust.
This became painfully obvious when we recently did some "end of life" documents. It was sad that besides my wife, I really have nobody close enough to leave stuff too (no kids). Also didn't have anyone that was easy to choose when it came to "pulling the plug" or making other medical decisions in the event that my wife and I are both incapacitated. Scary and funny thing is that the guy I ended up choosing is the one that also benefits most from my demise! LOL. I really need some new friends! :rotfxko
I can chuckle about this but the whole post really hit home with me. I am generally happy and peaceful but this lack of close friends really bothers me. I am an introvert but also believe we are wired to interact and build relationships meaningful with others. Guess I'll keep plugging along and doing the work that I assume is required.
Now that I am sober, I still often look for times to be alone. Heck, I am at home typing this while wife is out to a show with her brother's family. I am ok with this and liken it to the concept of "recharging my batteries" mentioned above. There is no desire to drink.
What scares me is that it seems like so much work to cultivate true friendships! I have been trained and practiced enough to be social at parties or any other event where I must "mingle" but I really do not enjoy it. Seems like a necessary evil that I must endure in hopes of finding some significant relationship with others that my wife and I can enjoy and trust.
This became painfully obvious when we recently did some "end of life" documents. It was sad that besides my wife, I really have nobody close enough to leave stuff too (no kids). Also didn't have anyone that was easy to choose when it came to "pulling the plug" or making other medical decisions in the event that my wife and I are both incapacitated. Scary and funny thing is that the guy I ended up choosing is the one that also benefits most from my demise! LOL. I really need some new friends! :rotfxko
I can chuckle about this but the whole post really hit home with me. I am generally happy and peaceful but this lack of close friends really bothers me. I am an introvert but also believe we are wired to interact and build relationships meaningful with others. Guess I'll keep plugging along and doing the work that I assume is required.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I think for me, drugging took me out of a usual depressive isolation. If I was with someone who was high, he would want to be with me.
The trouble was, it worked.
A big part of my recovery was accepting being alone and being comfortable with myself when there was no one else around.
The trouble was, it worked.
A big part of my recovery was accepting being alone and being comfortable with myself when there was no one else around.
Nothing Left to do but Smile.
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 808
I only isolated while drinking because I was trying to prevent people from seeing how much I was drinking. It wasn't so much a drinking to be alone thing. I often also would go to social events and had no problems being social. I just might get a little messy by the end of the night.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 346
Great thread 
Like tomsteve mentioned, I think it's wise to question my motives for isolating-this is also true of everything else I do or say, who I choose to get in touch with, etc. I don't allow myself to become paralysed by it, though.
99% of the time I only isolate if I need time to recharge my batteries, finish assessment tasks, watch a movie, read or just rest. The other 1% is when I get a bit petulant, resent people who are going out and have a bit of a sulk. Not healthy. Last night when I called my sponsor, I was at home, feeling teary and armed with donuts, an assessment task i'd been putting off and a movie. I just relayed to her I was feeling like a bit of a sad-sack and she suggested I get to a friday or saturday night meeting and head out for the second half. She even suggested a few meetings with people around my age that I might like to go to.
"That's a great idea! Why didn't I think of that!?" :rotfxko
I always find it really interesting just tapping in to how i'm feeling after catching up with friends from different circles. AA friends? More often than not, a bit "fuller". *Some* non-AA friends? A bit drained at times, there's a lot of complaining going on and next to no positivity :/
Like tomsteve mentioned, I think it's wise to question my motives for isolating-this is also true of everything else I do or say, who I choose to get in touch with, etc. I don't allow myself to become paralysed by it, though.
99% of the time I only isolate if I need time to recharge my batteries, finish assessment tasks, watch a movie, read or just rest. The other 1% is when I get a bit petulant, resent people who are going out and have a bit of a sulk. Not healthy. Last night when I called my sponsor, I was at home, feeling teary and armed with donuts, an assessment task i'd been putting off and a movie. I just relayed to her I was feeling like a bit of a sad-sack and she suggested I get to a friday or saturday night meeting and head out for the second half. She even suggested a few meetings with people around my age that I might like to go to.
"That's a great idea! Why didn't I think of that!?" :rotfxko
I always find it really interesting just tapping in to how i'm feeling after catching up with friends from different circles. AA friends? More often than not, a bit "fuller". *Some* non-AA friends? A bit drained at times, there's a lot of complaining going on and next to no positivity :/
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
I rarely isolated when drinking. I enjoyed socializing too much, and it created a drinking monster. Once it progressed, then it was easy to create social occasions to continue the drinking, and on it went. Now that I have two months sober, I'm enjoying some alone time to read, watch movies, pay attention to my cats,etc.
I know I'm going to have to work on finding situations where I can still be social, but not always have them be with drinkers (which is pretty much all of my friends). It feels like too much work right now to make new non drinking friends. Sounds terrible, but I just don't have it in me yet.
I know I'm going to have to work on finding situations where I can still be social, but not always have them be with drinkers (which is pretty much all of my friends). It feels like too much work right now to make new non drinking friends. Sounds terrible, but I just don't have it in me yet.
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