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Old 06-23-2012, 01:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Ok... Not good. Could have been worse though.


I had a bottle of wine last night.

It was only day 3 for me - I say only, that was a big achievement in itself.

I'm just running through my mind what the triggers were and how to plan for them in the future.

On a friday I work for the afternoon, nothing stressful, nothing strenuous but ever since I started I have ALWAYS bought wine (or vodka) on the way home without fail. The little voice started yesterday as I was winding up to finish. The 'conversation' went something like this:

I could buy some wine on the way home. Who's to know?
No, you've done well, get home and get another early night.

But if I stop off for the wine I can then pick DD up from nursery and that'll be us home for the evening all ready to relax with the wine.
No, you've done well, get home and get another early night.


Repeat like a broken record...

Anyway this is why it was so silly of me. I made the conscious decision to come home first, did not stop at the shops and left DD a little longer purely so I could log onto SR and gather my thoughts. I had made the decision - I'll go back out, get the kids dinner from the chip shop and get myself a chinese - that will be our treat for tonight. Sorted. Happy.

Not. DS who is a teenager calls me (long story but he was grounded for the evening) he was to do his paper round and come home. He starts pushing the boundaries. I said i am not discussing this on the phone, you come home when you are finished. Major rant from him, saying some horrible things to me. I get so wound up and upset I get to the who gives a sh** stage, picked up bag, walked to the nursery, went in the shop and came out with sweets and 2 bottles of wine.

Cooked dinner for kids whilst drinking wine. Didn't really enjoy it, almost forced myself to finish the bottle and then because it's what you do went to open the second.

I didn't. I thought this is silly. I ate the biggest pasta dinner ever, drank a load of water and was in bed by 10.

So... I'm not sure what I'm thinking this morning. I don't want to go down the beat myself up failed route as that is just too negative for me. I am confident I can start again and get longer under my belt this time. When that happens and it gets to Tuesday I can look back and think in the entire week I've had 9 units rather than the 100+ I was averaging previously.

It might not be the best, it's not perfect but this is a very rocky road and to me that will be an incredible achievement.

I feel good this morning, the sun is shining so I'll get out and about somewhere with DD.

Sorry if that sounds a bit rambling, trying to write with the kids in and out.

Thanks for reading, please don't give me too much of a hard time!

Mxx
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Old 06-23-2012, 02:08 AM   #2 (permalink)
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many of us faltered a time or two MyTime.

Don't beat yourself up - but do look at what happened and think about what else you could have done...and what you could add to what you've been doing for your recovery...

and welcome back

D
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Old 06-23-2012, 02:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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many of us faltered a time or two MyTime.

Don't beat yourself up - but do look at what happened and think about what else you could have done...and what you could add to what you've been doing for your recovery...

and welcome back

D
Thank you Dee

I'm not going to quit quitting, I know that

Yes it's definitely something I'm thinking long and hard about. Later on i'm going to spend a lot of time reading through the secular recovery forum as I feel that's going to help me not to listen to that AV voice, rather than fall at the first hurdle.

I had been reading the Allen Carr book, but all the way through he tells you not to try quitting until you have finished the book... 6 months later and I haven't finished the book because I was too drunk to read... hmmmm !

Ok, off out now to make hay while the sun shines

Mxx
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Old 06-23-2012, 02:30 AM   #4 (permalink)
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LOL do try and finish the Carr book - and don't worry about quitting before the end...

it's a bit 'but wait - there's more!' but I thought it was a worthwhile read

D
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Old 06-23-2012, 04:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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It happens. You knew some of the triggers. Today is another day! Don't let that voice get you again. You got this!!
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Old 06-23-2012, 05:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Day 3/4 was always a tough day for me. Day 3/4 on a Friday was a deadly combination. My brain would really go into overtime to get that bottle bought on my way home, so I know exactly where you are coming from. Just climb back on the horse with the knowledge of what your addiction is going to be telling you and try to blast through those days. I wish I had better advice, but I am pretty new to sobriety myself.... I will say that after that 4th day, I could rationalize and deal with that voice much better. Good luck on a sober rest of your weekend.
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Old 06-23-2012, 06:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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LOL do try and finish the Carr book - and don't worry about quitting before the end...

it's a bit 'but wait - there's more!' but I thought it was a worthwhile read

D
I'll pick it up again I remember thinking don't quit until you have finished the book - wow, an open invitation, infact almost an instruction to carry on drinking - any excuse

I already know what the 'twist' is (well I think I do) from reading reviews, that's fine with me, it's what I'm aiming for anyway!

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Originally Posted by Live2Run25 View Post
It happens. You knew some of the triggers. Today is another day! Don't let that voice get you again. You got this!!
Thanks L2R - today's been a pretty good productive day so far so feeling positive about things, hope you are feeling a lot better too

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Originally Posted by duane1 View Post
Day 3/4 was always a tough day for me. Day 3/4 on a Friday was a deadly combination. My brain would really go into overtime to get that bottle bought on my way home, so I know exactly where you are coming from. Just climb back on the horse with the knowledge of what your addiction is going to be telling you and try to blast through those days. I wish I had better advice, but I am pretty new to sobriety myself.... I will say that after that 4th day, I could rationalize and deal with that voice much better. Good luck on a sober rest of your weekend.
It's great advice thanks duane, it's weird as Friday isn't particularly any different at all to any other day for me. It's just that 'friday feeling' my day's 3/4 will be Monday and Tuesday this week so hopefully will have gained enough strength and insight by next weekend. I have gained a lot already, not bothering with the second one and making myself eat and get to bed was a big step forward to me.

The 2nd bottle is still here, but I'm getting together later on with a friend and her LO so i'll give it to her under the guise of it being a brand I don't like (ha! Like there wasn't any old rubbish I wouldn't drink!) I can't really tell her the truth as she is a new-ish friend, we both have young children and I don't know how she'd react tbh. I'd like to keep her as a friend!

Thanks again everyone

Mxx
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