Ok... Not good. Could have been worse though.
I had a bottle of wine last night.
It was only day 3 for me - I say only, that was a big achievement in itself.
I'm just running through my mind what the triggers were and how to plan for them in the future.
On a friday I work for the afternoon, nothing stressful, nothing strenuous but ever since I started I have ALWAYS bought wine (or vodka) on the way home without fail. The little voice started yesterday as I was winding up to finish. The 'conversation' went something like this:
I could buy some wine on the way home. Who's to know?
No, you've done well, get home and get another early night.
But if I stop off for the wine I can then pick DD up from nursery and that'll be us home for the evening all ready to relax with the wine.
No, you've done well, get home and get another early night.
Repeat like a broken record...
Anyway this is why it was so silly of me. I made the conscious decision to come home first, did not stop at the shops and left DD a little longer purely so I could log onto SR and gather my thoughts. I had made the decision - I'll go back out, get the kids dinner from the chip shop and get myself a chinese - that will be our treat for tonight. Sorted. Happy.
Not. DS who is a teenager calls me (long story but he was grounded for the evening) he was to do his paper round and come home. He starts pushing the boundaries. I said i am not discussing this on the phone, you come home when you are finished. Major rant from him, saying some horrible things to me. I get so wound up and upset I get to the who gives a sh** stage, picked up bag, walked to the nursery, went in the shop and came out with sweets and 2 bottles of wine.
Cooked dinner for kids whilst drinking wine. Didn't really enjoy it, almost forced myself to finish the bottle and then because it's what you do went to open the second.
I didn't. I thought this is silly. I ate the biggest pasta dinner ever, drank a load of water and was in bed by 10.
So... I'm not sure what I'm thinking this morning. I don't want to go down the beat myself up failed route as that is just too negative for me. I am confident I can start again and get longer under my belt this time. When that happens and it gets to Tuesday I can look back and think in the entire week I've had 9 units rather than the 100+ I was averaging previously.
It might not be the best, it's not perfect but this is a very rocky road and to me that will be an incredible achievement.
I feel good this morning, the sun is shining so I'll get out and about somewhere with DD.
Sorry if that sounds a bit rambling, trying to write with the kids in and out.
Thanks for reading, please don't give me too much of a hard time!
Mxx