kadie

I broke up with my boyfriend. From the start, it was extremely toxic, and all we really had in common was drug use and alcohol, which usually ended up in horrible fighting and I've been beaten up really badly more then a few times..actually pretty frequently. When I went to rehab in December, he decided he was going to quit with me. He continues to smoke pot heavily, which he doesnt' consider a drug, and it drives me insane. He's relapsed on his drug of choice (coke) twice since December, and although I avoided him the first time, the second time only a month ago I tried to leave and he got ugly again. He's telling me that it was just a relapse, and that I of all people shouldn't judge, which unfortunately is true. I've been unhappy, and don't want to sound full of myself, but I feel I've outgrown him in ways, and don't want to spend everyday either alone or with someone who is high (on anything). I broke up with him today and it was horrible. He was crying so much. I should have done it in person, but am honestly scared about how it could have went. I feel so bad. He said that he was only getting sober so we could have a life together and now he's just going to f*** everything up, he says he feels he has no one (which is unfortunately kind of true). He just kept saying he has no one and that he loves me. I feel like I'm leaving a hurting person alone and I'm causing the pain..but isn't it crueler to stay with somebody and pretend to be in love? He asked and I just told the truth and said I'm just not in love with him anymore. When he drinks and uses drugs he can be extremely crazy. I can't be his support person..he was begging for me to meet him for just a hug. I feel like a human piece of s*** right now. I do care about him and love him a lot, I just don't think its healthy, but it feels soooo selfish. I don't want to go back for feeling guilty, but am going to feel horrible if anything bad happens to him. I'm not calling him or texting him because I don't want any games or drama, but I feel extremely horrible right now. I've always gone back in the past because of guilt, but I meant it this time and think he knows that. I've wanted to break up, but there's no relief, it feels horrible. I thought it would feel relieving but I'm feeling like he stuck with me through my alcoholism now I'm turning my back on him. I do not know what to do.

Impurrfect

((kadie)) - I went through something similar. I broke up with my XABF as he wanted to continue smoking crack (the addiction we shared) and I chose recovery.

Yes, it hurt and I did feel guilty for a while, but I got to the point where I couldn't tolerate the relationship and drugs any more.

It does get better, but it takes time. I hope you keep reading and posting here..it helped me a lot.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

DoinThis

U absolutely shouldn't feel guilty and I think you've done the right thing if he's beaten u. Walk away and don't look back. If he's violent don't go anywhere alone with him now you've broken up with him. I'd stay away. He's made his bed and he can lie in it. Sorry to sound harsh, I have empathy for addicts but not for violence. There is a reason he has no one else. Maybe losing u will be the bottom he needs to help himself. All the best hon

ReadyAndAble

Hi, welcome to SR.

I know it seems very confusing right now, but you did the right thing. Guilt is not a basis for continuing relationships. And that's in the best of situations. He abused you. Repeatedly. I am so relieved to hear you made the decision to get out.

You are obviously a very caring person. But don't let guilt make you doubt your decision for a second. You are not responsible for his drug use or depression, any more than you were responsible for his violent behavior. For him to put that on you... honestly, to me that sounds like an attempt to manipulate your good nature and bring you back under his control.

My advice is to keep walking. I think you owe it to yourself, your family, and your friends.

I'm glad you found us. You'll get a lot of support here.

DisplacedGRITS

He can't put the burden of his sobriety on you. Until he wants to get sober for himself he won't ever get sober. Yes, you're leaving a hurting person but has staying with him done either of you any good? You have to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else. He has to want it for himself. Emotional blackmail is a tool of the addict and one we all know well. Do what you know is right for you.

diegosmama

I can't imagine how hard this is for you but I think you did the right thing. Making decisions that are going to improve your health and well-being in any way is not selfish. It feels horrible right now, but if you really felt like this was the right thing to do at some point, eventually you will feel better about it. It will take time. He has to accept that you can't support him or be around him while he continues to abuse drugs. In the long run, it may even help him too...seeing the consequences of his lifestyle.

It hurts, and it's going to for awhile. Be patient, and keep focusing on taking care of you. Maybe you'll get to a place one day where you can help him.

kadie

Omg guys thank you sooo much for your responses! I'm getting soo many sad texts where he's just begging to sleep over because he's sad. It's very hard but I'm not giving in. He really does have almost no one, and the few he does are other drug users and dont really care about him. Guilt is an extremely effective tool!!! I really appreciate the support right now, it's late and I'm just sitting here crying while my dog snores beside me and so grateful for this site. I likely would have let him come over if left to my own thinking.

Payton

It is not safe to let him come over tonight. It is an emotionally charged situation and may turn violent. Whatever you do, do not let him near you.

Do you have anyone you could go stay with? If so, now is not the time to be proud and hide that he has been abusive. Personally I would take my dog and go, even if it's to a hotel.

DisplacedGRITS

Has he considered going to AA or NA? Have you? It's a great community and helps with the loneliness. I'm a 31 year old female, agnostic, pretty geeky/alternative and even though the people are very different from me i've found being part of the fellowship of AA (and for me working the steps) has really helped with my sobriety.

OklaBH

Pray he gets into recovery but NOT WITH YOU. Violence (like our disease) is progressive. You are doing good working your program to get sober. Dont take his calls and especially do not go around him.

CaiHong

Kadie,

without a doubt you are doing the right thing. It is sad but it is you that wants to get sober, you can't get him clean and sober.

Don't get caught up in the drama. Perhaps when he has no place to turn to he will then find his way or not, that is not your responsibility.
The best thing you can do is straighten yourself out. This is not a selfish act this is what you are meant to do.
You have been beaten up by this guy. It is not acceptable you owe him nothing.
Stay strong
Keep reading and posting
You can do this

love
caiHong

Luling

He has beaten you up. If you go back, he will do it again. Tears and guilt are just weapons he's using to get you back under his control, please don't fall for it.

tomsteve

i've was in quite a few relationships while i was an active alcoholic. i dont know how they felt after they threw me out of their lives, but,IMO, it was the best move everyone of them made.

Threshold

You did the right thing.

He is not willing to take care of himself and overcome his addiction, so he is trying to guilt you into making it ok that he remains an addict.

he has no concern for recovery, either yours or his, he is desperately trying to protect a very sick cycle of abuse, addiction, violence, guilt, and codependency. This may all be subconscious on his part, but I believe it is true.

You are not responsible if he chooses to use this as an excuse to drink and drug. The relationship has been dead for awhile, and both of you denied it, now you have spoken the truth, nothing less. nothing more. There is nothing to feel guilty about in that.

None of us is responsible for the choices another adult makes concerning their own lives.

Something horrible has already been happening to him, he's been killing himself with substance abuse. YOU have chosen to save yourself, and he continues to kill himself with substance abuse. What has changed? nothing. your presence didn't keep him from harming himself and his threat that your absence will be the cause of his substance abuse is nonsense. your presence made no difference, so your absence will make no real difference either. The issue is him, and he is unwilling to address that, so he tries to blame you.

It is horribly painful to watch someone we love losing themselves to substance abuse, and horribly painful to live in fear that it is our fault.

But it is pointless to throw ourselves into the same cycle of self destruction out of guilt or pain. It helps no one, and it is misguided.

Continue to take care of yourself.

pinkdog

You say you've been beaten up badly a few times. I don't know what that is but I know it's not love. You should get far away. Take care of yourself. Love and a hug to you.

Live2Run25

I think you did the right thing. I've seen that act with the "i'm going to change" and they NEVER do. You are making a great change in your life and you can not be drug back down with him. It's hard, but you have to do what is best for yourself, and from what you've posted here, that sounds more bad than good. We are all here for you!!

wow04

You have done the right the thing. I have been where you are and it is really hard. You don't deserve the abuse. It isn't worth it. Your recovery comes first. Work on you!

kadie

Thank you again for the responses. You are all speaking the common sense and reality which is so hard to see when you're full of guilt and sadness. He continues to tell me I'm going to ruin his job, sobriety, his feelings and trust for other women. I know that will be all his choice, but in his mind I did it to him. He won't go to AA or NA I don't think. He knows that I go and he's really not interested...maybe one day? I know what it feels like to feel totally alone in the world and hate that I'm inflicting that on someone, he doesn't see that these things are a choice. I ended up staying at my moms.

Live2Run25

I can see that you are still feeling guilty. That's natural, but please whatever you do. Don't give in. I wouldn't even respond to him. He is responsible for his OWN life. You are not doing ANY of those things to him. Deep down he probably realizes he's about to hit rock bottom and be alone. I honestly think he needs to see it, and feel it, and then maybe he will want to change on his OWN.

Luling

You have inflicted NOTHING upon him. The fact that he can't/won't see this whatsoever is just more proof that you need to stay far away from him. Whether or not he ever goes to AA, whether or not he will ever trust other women, whether or not he screws up his job -- ALL of that is HIS deal. Your emotions in this are understandable, but you're not the one who caused his problems, his addiction, his loneliness; that's all on him. All of it. You have shown how strong you are by tackling your addiction and getting out of an abusive, toxic relationship. Focus on taking care of yourself. Change your number if you have to, just don't get lured back in. No matter what he says. You are awesome and you deserve better.