kadie

I broke up with my boyfriend. From the start, it was extremely toxic, and all we really had in common was drug use and alcohol, which usually ended up in horrible fighting and I've been beaten up really badly more then a few times..actually pretty frequently. When I went to rehab in December, he decided he was going to quit with me. He continues to smoke pot heavily, which he doesnt' consider a drug, and it drives me insane. He's relapsed on his drug of choice (coke) twice since December, and although I avoided him the first time, the second time only a month ago I tried to leave and he got ugly again. He's telling me that it was just a relapse, and that I of all people shouldn't judge, which unfortunately is true. I've been unhappy, and don't want to sound full of myself, but I feel I've outgrown him in ways, and don't want to spend everyday either alone or with someone who is high (on anything). I broke up with him today and it was horrible. He was crying so much. I should have done it in person, but am honestly scared about how it could have went. I feel so bad. He said that he was only getting sober so we could have a life together and now he's just going to f*** everything up, he says he feels he has no one (which is unfortunately kind of true). He just kept saying he has no one and that he loves me. I feel like I'm leaving a hurting person alone and I'm causing the pain..but isn't it crueler to stay with somebody and pretend to be in love? He asked and I just told the truth and said I'm just not in love with him anymore. When he drinks and uses drugs he can be extremely crazy. I can't be his support person..he was begging for me to meet him for just a hug. I feel like a human piece of s*** right now. I do care about him and love him a lot, I just don't think its healthy, but it feels soooo selfish. I don't want to go back for feeling guilty, but am going to feel horrible if anything bad happens to him. I'm not calling him or texting him because I don't want any games or drama, but I feel extremely horrible right now. I've always gone back in the past because of guilt, but I meant it this time and think he knows that. I've wanted to break up, but there's no relief, it feels horrible. I thought it would feel relieving but I'm feeling like he stuck with me through my alcoholism now I'm turning my back on him. I do not know what to do.