Being a responsible parent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Being a responsible parent
My 19 year old son just asked me directly what the meetings were about that I disappear to 3 evenings a week.
I thought briefly about how much to tell him, then decided he was adult enough to know the truth. No gory details, just the facts.
I told him that I had discovered that I'm an alcoholic and that I needed help to change my patterns and behaviour. I talked about AA and what we do there. I told him what normal drinking looks like and how I'm unable to do that. That drinking just one sets up a compulsion to drink more. I told him that I was probably born an alcoholic, and we discussed his uncles and grandparents and how they are. He asked if he might be one ( he is just starting to drink but I can see no abnormal signs so far and he isn't drawn to it at all). I told him the signs to watch out for and the support that is available. Not in any way to alarm him, but to increase his awareness.
He was just great, interested and concerned but in a supportive way.
He is a lovely mature young man and I'm so very proud of him x
I thought briefly about how much to tell him, then decided he was adult enough to know the truth. No gory details, just the facts.
I told him that I had discovered that I'm an alcoholic and that I needed help to change my patterns and behaviour. I talked about AA and what we do there. I told him what normal drinking looks like and how I'm unable to do that. That drinking just one sets up a compulsion to drink more. I told him that I was probably born an alcoholic, and we discussed his uncles and grandparents and how they are. He asked if he might be one ( he is just starting to drink but I can see no abnormal signs so far and he isn't drawn to it at all). I told him the signs to watch out for and the support that is available. Not in any way to alarm him, but to increase his awareness.
He was just great, interested and concerned but in a supportive way.
He is a lovely mature young man and I'm so very proud of him x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,292
My father was an alcoholic and so was my mother's uncle. Not really sure about other family members. I am concerned about my kids and hope they get their mother's genes (my wife is one of those Asians who simply feel terrible with even a gulp of alcohol)
I'll try as best I can to educate my kids when the time comes and probably try to influence then not to drink. In the intervening years I have to try and set as good an example as possible for them to follow.
I'll try as best I can to educate my kids when the time comes and probably try to influence then not to drink. In the intervening years I have to try and set as good an example as possible for them to follow.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
That's great Jeni...It's good for him to be aware of alcoholism....At 19...I was surrounded by it....I was one...And I knew nothing about it. I think you did the next right thing Jeni...And I'm happy to see you doing well!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1
I think you handled it really well with your son! I am on my 16th day of no drinking and aspiring to never drink again. Much of my decision is based on my little girl and not wanting her to one day emulate my heavy drinking behavior. I realized that because my own parents were such alcoholics, it was practically justified in my eyes to be the same way (although no one ever wants to admit that they are an alcoholic). I have enjoyed my time with my little girl so much more now that I am not in a fog!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: London
Posts: 299
Jeni you handled that so well. I come from a family of heavy drinking/alcoholism and I thought it was "normal".
You've been upfront with your son, told him how it is for you, but without telling him to never drink or scaremongering.... he knows he's got a good basis and parent to fall back on if he ever encounters issues.
Good for you. And he sounds a good guy.
You've been upfront with your son, told him how it is for you, but without telling him to never drink or scaremongering.... he knows he's got a good basis and parent to fall back on if he ever encounters issues.
Good for you. And he sounds a good guy.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 568
That's fantastic, Jeni. I've been thinking about what to tell my own kids about alcoholism. my parents weren't big drinkers, but alcoholism is rampant in my extended family. I abused alcohol since the very first time I had a drink as a teenager, ending up so wasted I blacked out. That's why I'm so fascinated by this notion of some people being born alcoholics, and it makes me worry for my own kids.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I was your son's age when my alcoholic parents quit drinking.. One of the things I hated most growing up in that home was the avoidance of the truth, when I knew what was going on for years and years. I think you handled this well, as my mom later said to me when I was facing my own alcoholism "We showed you alcoholism, and we showed you recovery". I appreciated the honesty (finally!).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks everyone. I too grew up in a house where alcoholism was rife, and all 4 of us kids ended up with our own issues of addiction-either booze or drugs, or both.
It was never discussed. My dad was a violent abusive drunk and we grew up in fear, all of us frightened of stepping out of line, doing or saying the wrong thing to provoke an outburst from him.
When I had my own kids, I only wanted for them to feel safe, and although me and H drank, there was no anger or ugly scenes. In my mind, I had broken the cycle. My kids are well adjusted teenagers and doing just fine. However, I was fooling myself. As my alcoholism has progressed, I began to isolate myself from them emotionally. Sure I never scared them, but I wasn't there for them either. I began to resent their intrusion into my drinking time. They have grown up thinking it's normal for mum to lay asleep on the sofa every Sunday afternoon paralytic, to come home from work and drink a bottle of wine before dinner every evening etc. It's this 'normalisation' of being drunk that I need to undo.
Breaking the cycle doesn't just mean not scaring them, and for a long time I really thought it did. I need to help them become aware of how alcoholism can develop, teach them that it doesn't mean people are 'bad'. And if they ever feel they may be in danger, there will be support available.
I'm not about to tell them they can't drink. After all, they're teenagers and unlikely to take any notice. They will experiment. Hopefully they will take on board what I say, and know that I will always be here for them.
I hope I did the right thing, being honest and open with them is important for me, especially as I grew up in a house where nobody said anything of any significance, and all emotions were swept under the carpet!
It was never discussed. My dad was a violent abusive drunk and we grew up in fear, all of us frightened of stepping out of line, doing or saying the wrong thing to provoke an outburst from him.
When I had my own kids, I only wanted for them to feel safe, and although me and H drank, there was no anger or ugly scenes. In my mind, I had broken the cycle. My kids are well adjusted teenagers and doing just fine. However, I was fooling myself. As my alcoholism has progressed, I began to isolate myself from them emotionally. Sure I never scared them, but I wasn't there for them either. I began to resent their intrusion into my drinking time. They have grown up thinking it's normal for mum to lay asleep on the sofa every Sunday afternoon paralytic, to come home from work and drink a bottle of wine before dinner every evening etc. It's this 'normalisation' of being drunk that I need to undo.
Breaking the cycle doesn't just mean not scaring them, and for a long time I really thought it did. I need to help them become aware of how alcoholism can develop, teach them that it doesn't mean people are 'bad'. And if they ever feel they may be in danger, there will be support available.
I'm not about to tell them they can't drink. After all, they're teenagers and unlikely to take any notice. They will experiment. Hopefully they will take on board what I say, and know that I will always be here for them.
I hope I did the right thing, being honest and open with them is important for me, especially as I grew up in a house where nobody said anything of any significance, and all emotions were swept under the carpet!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 384
Hi Jeni
I think you did the right thing.My twins are not even teenagers yet and I have been truthful with them on my condition using the appropriate language. Like what am I going to do , deny I was drunk or hungover? Kids are not stupid.
Alcohol problems and alcoholism run in my family and the sooner they know their own risks with it , the better. My aunt and her husband drank themselves to an early grave and I never really knew them as my mom had zero tolerance for them as they were always drunk. I also see what alcohol has cost me in my life and as a parent I view that keeping your kids safe is one of the top responsibilities.
Lots of sweeping stuff under the carpet when I grew up as well , cone of silence and the like. Its really made the bad situations worse an there were a lot of them. I knew what that did to me and knew when I had a family I would not repeat the mistakes my parents made along the way. I found my own mistakes but I did not have to repeat the ones I grew up with.
Whether my kids drink or not will ultimately be up to them but I do want them to know what can happen. Nobody told me what the progression would be like for me when I started and its not really visible in the early days unless you know what to look for. I will always be there for them and try and be helpful without being controlling as they get older.
I think you did the right thing.My twins are not even teenagers yet and I have been truthful with them on my condition using the appropriate language. Like what am I going to do , deny I was drunk or hungover? Kids are not stupid.
Alcohol problems and alcoholism run in my family and the sooner they know their own risks with it , the better. My aunt and her husband drank themselves to an early grave and I never really knew them as my mom had zero tolerance for them as they were always drunk. I also see what alcohol has cost me in my life and as a parent I view that keeping your kids safe is one of the top responsibilities.
Lots of sweeping stuff under the carpet when I grew up as well , cone of silence and the like. Its really made the bad situations worse an there were a lot of them. I knew what that did to me and knew when I had a family I would not repeat the mistakes my parents made along the way. I found my own mistakes but I did not have to repeat the ones I grew up with.
Whether my kids drink or not will ultimately be up to them but I do want them to know what can happen. Nobody told me what the progression would be like for me when I started and its not really visible in the early days unless you know what to look for. I will always be there for them and try and be helpful without being controlling as they get older.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Thats so ace Jeni! I wish someone had had a chat like that with me when I was younger. When I was 16/17 I remember my dad telling me ways to not drink so much, and I think he asked his recovered alcoholic friend to chat to me because one day he asked me 'How's the drinking going?'...to which I replied 'fine'! Haha. I would have loved to have had someone tell me that I didn't have to drink because I never considered that as an option, unless you counted the times my mum white-knuckled and sulked her way through a few months sober to lose weight! I'm sure having you as a sober role model will be a huge positive influence on your kids 
Well done you xxx
Well done you xxx
God's work in progress
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 515
Great job talking to your son Jeni! My 17yo son was the one who gave me the push to seek help.
We have had many talks about the disease, and I also explained how he needs to be watchful as he might be predisposed to alcoholism.
We are blessed to have such amazing kids, and blessed even more so to be able to give them the gift of our sober selves.
We have had many talks about the disease, and I also explained how he needs to be watchful as he might be predisposed to alcoholism.
We are blessed to have such amazing kids, and blessed even more so to be able to give them the gift of our sober selves.
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