MrsKing

Basically, I'm one of those people who constantly feel guilty/embarrassed/ashamed of everything. When I was drinking, obviously this was much, much worse. I'd wake up most days and hate myself more than seemed possible for someone to hate anything... and in some ways, I am much, much better in that regard now, mainly because I don't have new things to hate myself for after every night of drinking.

BUT, it still hasn't gone away completely and I just find myself (probably at least once a day) reminding myself of all the horrible things I've done or said when I've been drunk, and I feel guilty for putting people through that. I get scared about all the times I put my safety in jeopardy and there's always a voice in the back of my mind ready to scream as soon as something reminds me of drinking. It's not telling me to drink. I haven't had that voice in a long time... it just makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed for all the alcohol related mistakes I have made.

I know I can look at this as a good sign - that it is keeping me away from alcohol, and I know that I am 100% BETTER mentally now than I was when I was drinking... but that guilt/shame/embarrassment has not gone away completely, and at times I even feel guilty and ashamed that I have had to make the decision to never drink again - that just getting myself to that point in life is something I should feel horrendously embarrassed about.

I'm proud of myself for quitting 2 and a half months ago but I'm wondering, will these feelings ever go away? Or become less painful over time? I just wish I could, instead of beat myself up for all my mistakes, praise myself for making the decision to never make them again... but I can't, because I keep thinking "well, you wouldn't have had to make that decision if you'd behaved properly in the first place."

I know, I know... this is a really depressing post and I'm sorry about that! I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in the same boat and managed to over come it?

Thanks in advance.

Sapling

I know you are doing well Mrs. King and you have quit on your own...Which I do amire you for. But one of the things I like about the program of recovery for AA...The 12 steps...Is we clear the wreckage of our past...And we right our wrongs...Steps four through nine....After having worked those steps...I don't feel like that anymore...And I think that's the new freedom they promise in the book. So the answer to your question...Is no.

awuh1

I agree. I think the AA program could be enormously helpful for someone with your concerns. Ever consider attending a meeting?

MrsKing

Is it possible, do you think, to gain all that from reading the book? Thanks for your response.

Sapling

You can gain all that from doing what it says to do in the first 103 pages of the book. Read the Doctors Opinion to see why we drink like we do....And read the first 103 pages. It will give you something to do this weekend and you might even see yourself in the book...The first time I read it...I thought they wrote it about me. Enjoy!

The text of Alcoholics Anonymous

FBL

I had a lot of guilt and shame early on in my sobriety. I didn't join AA (or any formal program), but I did a lot of soul searching and I realized that I can't change the past, so I just decided to move on and give the sober life a try. It took some time, but the more sober time I had, the more I became happy, secure and confident in my decision. Give yourself a chance. I truly believe that long-term alcohol abuse changes our brain chemistry and only sober time can heal it.

least

I had the help of my addiction counselor to 'clear the wreckage of my past'. No formal program, just my counselor and SR. And yes I used to have those feelings of guilt and self hatred, but no more.

Sapling

I don't know what the big deal is on formal programs or not....Sounds like it's some kind of sentence or something....I'm just pointing out how the program of AA deals with what the OP asked about it.

Zee

Thanks Sapling

I have put this link in my favourites... I'll have a little lookie-see. I want to see what all this fuss is about x

As to thoughts of guilt and embarrassment... I have many! I am an over thinker/worrier too so I try to fill my time with positive things. What has happened is in the past, we just have to accept that and move on as best we can. Although I sometimes get a rush of butterflies in my stomach at the thought of what I may have done. It HAS happened, and I don't have a time machine! We can't let the past affect our future, its not fair on us we have to give ourselves a break!! x

tomsteve

i walked through the doors of AA a useless, worthless POS with the wreckage of my past in my face. i went to meetings, did what the big book and them folks at the meetings suggested and now i have hope and worth, know why i did what i did in the past, can look the world in the eye, and can pass on what was given to me for free.

Sapling

Yeah...Take a look at it...It can't hurt you. What I found pretty cool about AA.....Is we can use our past...No matter how bad it was....To help another sick and suffering alcoholic. The thing that may have haunted us...Becomes our biggest asset. There is a certain kind of beauty to that. If you think about it.

CraigA

Time does heal but sometimes we don't allow it! I am also a part of A.A. and the steps 4-9 really do work- you can work through it instead of stuffing it (and yes even if you stuff it, it will come out some way anyway). Seeing a counselor or whatever means to learn to let this go, we don't sober up to suffer. When we stay sober change happens, well we realize the change.

Start by reading about forgiveness of self you can google it, or go to a library, practice humility (seeing oneself as is ), just keep trying. If we keep beating ourselves up there is an unhappy ending eventually, we will be closer to picking up again even though we may not feel it now.

Just remember we are not our past mistakes they were just a part of us. We do change for the better/healthier if we work for it!

God Bless you on your journey!

Gottalife

MrsKing, I felt just like you. Guilt, shame, remorse. I didn't quite fit the AA "profile" which has resentment playing a promonent role. I kind of knew it was nobody's fault but mine. I found quite quickly that this load was too much for me to carry. I had shocking memories of the things I did, and there were people I hurt. It was not possible for me to just shut it down and prtend there was no problem and walk away from the mess. My conscience weighed heavily. I knew this stuff had to be dealt with. Why? because to stay in that miserable guilt-ridden state wasn't sobriety, every night was pure hell. There was no peace, no joy, I might as well be drinking.
However you choose to do it Mrsking, you may find you have to take some kind of action to deal with this stuff.
I found a solution in the 12 steps of AA. It worked pretty well. However I wouldn't call it a "formal" program, quite the opposite, casual, even disorganised, but with a singleness of purpose that somehow makes it all work. You should try organising a bunch of AAs to go out for a coffee - it's like hearding cats! If anyone suggested an AA meeting ought to be formal, I suspect there would be a riot.

MrsKing

Wow... thank you so much everyone for your responses, I appreciate it so much. I am DEFINITELY going to start reading The Text of Alcoholics Anonymous now - thank you so much Sapling! I'm sure it will help enormously. I've looked up local AA meetings and I'm considering it... for the first time... so I'll read the text and see how I feel about joining a group.

I'm so glad to hear that some of you have felt that in the past and have now let go of it... I hope one day that can be me. Thanks again so much!

Sapling

Just a thought MrsKing....If you are thinking about going to a meeting...You might want to read Luling's thread on AAphobia...She has already gone through all the emotions for you and you can see how it ends up. Thanks Luling...You're a trooper!

Cinderblock18

I too used to feel guilt, fear, and even anxiety about my past mistakes, especially when it related to my son. Even non alcohol realated events. It's taken me a while, but I've realized there is nothing I can do about the past. It has taken me some time to overcome this, but gradually it has gotten better. I'm not sure if you believe in a Higher Power, but I ask the Lord almost every day to take my anxiety and cast it upon Him. I know he can handle it. He wants us to feel loved, and carrying all that guilt around is so difficult and almost soul sucking. Hope this helps!

tara8888

I, too feel extreme guilt and embarrassment/shame over what I do and say. In some ways, I would drink because I could just use that as an excuse. I could blame my actions on the alcohol. Then I would do things I regretted when I wasn't drinking, like yell and scream at my family. But really, I was still feeling the effects of the day/night before.

Drinking really messed up my mood and made my depression and anxiety so much worse. It also made these obsessive thoughts of guilt/shame go round and round in my head. In reality, I probably wasn't anywhere near as bad as I imagined. It was more my thinking about stuff that was the problem, even more than my actions. First, I need to start to forgive myself and accept that the past is the past and I am human. I hope my mood and brain will heal and the obsessive thoughts and depression will lift a bit as I get sober (only 4 days now!). In fact, I am going to see a doctor to try and help me figure out and monitor whether these crazy thoughts in my head are directly related to drinking or not.

Don't know if any of this makes sense. I guess I just wanted to say that those feelings you are having sound like what is, for me, depression, which is exacerbated by alcohol use, but they probably won't entirely go away with sobriety, either.

tara

Sapling

I'm not a doctor...But I'll bet you those crazy thoughts in your head are directly related to drinking...I know they were for me...I didn't need a doctor.....I needed a sponsor.

sugarbear1

At 2.5 months of early recovery you are doing quite well.

Take a listen to AA speakers online; xa-speakers.org has many talks. Lots of good information is available.

Meetings exist so the newcomer may find us, but the real program of recovery is the work that we do for the 12 steps.

I wish you well!
Hugs,

Anna

Tara, please do talk to your dr. We have no medical experts here.


MrsKing, I was the same as you when I began recovery and it took me awhile to deal with my negative emotions.

What worked for me was "A Good Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. For the first time I really understood what my ego was and how it was impeding my recovery and my entire life. I understood that my ego was feeding me the lines of 'being a terrible person', etc because my ego was trying to make me believe I was different than others, separate from others. I am not, you are not. We are all on this journey together and you have no need to carry the negative emotions on your shoulders.