12skiptomylue

I feel flipping miserable today!!! And I have 86 days today.

I got up at a reasonable time, took a shower, ate breakfast, and went back to bed until 11:30. I hit a Noon meeting, went to the store, and now I'm back home wanting to go back to bed.

I graduated grad school in May, and have been unemployed since then. I'm actively in the process of applying for jobs.

I'm also in AA, have a sponsor and am working the steps. I'm in that part of my 4th step where I already wrote out all my resentments, but now I have to identify my part in them, and my character defects.

And I was a brat to my dad on the phone last night. So I still need to call him and apologize for that. And I don't want to. I feel like I'm working the steps, and that's all I can handle right now. Like I should deserve some sort of free pass to **** off the rest of the world right now.

I'm just miserable today. I hate this day, and just wish I could make it go away.

Sapling

It will go away skip...That 4th step will do that to you...Don't forget to ask your HP for help working that step...It's in the directions. Hang in there skip...You're doing great.

riggedgame

I once had a year. Now I have 3 days.

You get my immense respect for your 86 days, and I remember it was shortly after the 90 day mark that things started to get markedly easier for me; I remember my first day where it didn't occur to me to drink, not once, was around then. And it was the beginning of the best 9 month stretch of my life.

Those are hard won days you've got. I remember some of my more difficult days, and it was totally acceptable to get up, accomplish very little, and then get to bed. Sober. And the next day, almost invariably, was better.

It's not fun to start over. It hurts to make progress, especially truly significant progress like you have made, then throw it away for reasons you will never be able to truly explain later on. Hang on. It gets better, you are getting better. I'd love to be in your shoes right now and 86 days seems like a loooooooong time.

So from someone who has experience on either side of where you are? Staying sober is so, so much better, even when it's a whole lot easier, of a moment, to throw it away.

Great job.

tomsteve

this, too shall pass. you can make it go away by drinking or you can trudge the road of happy destiny. no where in the BB does it say we wont have rough days.
and wheres yer higher power in all this????

2granddaughters

12skip. if I'm having a bad day the best thing I can do to turn it around is try to help someone else.

An oldtimer told me "You can start your day over again at any time, as many times as you want"

You may want to take a close look at what tomsteve mentioned..... most of us need work in that department.

All the best. This too shall pass.

Bob R

OCDDan

the sooner you call your dad, the sooner you'll feel better at least about something.

12skiptomylue

Thank you all!! I just watched a movie (Sarah's Key). It was a depressing, and yet deeply moving story and it got me out of my head. Surprisingly, I am feeling a little better.

Riggedgame, your reply really touched me. Thank you.

And the rest of you are right, I didn't create space for my higher power today.

And yes, the call to my dad still needs to be done.

sugarbear1

Have you scheduled your 5th step yet? If you commit to the 5th step date, you know when to have your 4th step completed.

"Next, we launched out on a vigorous course of action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." page 64

When struggling, go back to step 3, say the prayer or one of your own making again. You are under the care of a power greater than you right now. No fear.

Thoroughly get out all of your deepest darkest fears now. Fearlessly write this 4th step, it can be done again later as other things come up.

Stopping on any step from 4-9 is often a cause of relapse; the intense feelings are overwhelmingly horrendous for us to face, yet being under the care of this power greater than us, we can get through this now.

The relief and freedom come in the steps 5-9.

This is from my experience in working the steps. My sponsors have had me write the 4th step in one day. I've written 3 of them so far, each one with one horrible, sleepless night (mostly the first time through), but the 5th step gave me relief, each time. I couldn't imagine working on this step longer than in one day. Again, my experience.

All of our "reasons" for drinking are coming to the surface. It is natural for us to be really irritable, restless, and discontent during this crucial step. Don't stop the flow of the steps....you will thank yourself and this power greater than you because of your efforts in completing this 4th step.

I understand your feelings right now. Just do it!! Call your sponsor, call people in your network and see how they are doing today.

I couldn't see my part alone. A sick mind can't make itself well, so my sponsor and I worked together to see MY part; I couldn't do that alone!

You're okay just the way you are!

Miracles do happen.....

Anna

I think you should call your Dad, too.

I knew from the outset of my recovery that I had to have balance and that I had to work on my life as a whole. Recovery was my priority but I extended that to making efforts to make amends and start to fix some of the messes I'd made while drinking.

I'm glad you;re feeling a bit better now.