This is new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
This is new
The thought of actually getting "sober" has been played around in my head for weeks and months, but I just never thought it was for me. I didn't have a problem. I was in control. I'm just young and having fun. Right? Nothing wrong with smoking some weed here and there. Nothing wrong with buying some oxy's here and there for a fun night, right? All it took...at first...was one 5 mg percocet and I was flying high for about 6 hours. 5 bucks! This is great. This is perfect. I'll just do this here and there, for fun, and enjoy myself. 18 months later and I find myself completely broke, $20,000 in credit card debt (I'll just do a cash advance this one time and that's it!), and desperate for my next high.
I'm not your typical addict in the sense of the term. At least I don't think I am. But everybody on here is probably more knowledgeable than me on this.
Let me give some background. I'm 24. I'll be 25 in exactly 3 months, on September 11th. I graduated from college in December of 2010 and lost everything that was ever good in my life. I had the best college experience of my life. Met my life long best friends (I truly believe that). It was a group of people that just fit into my life perfectly. We were family. We all had one another. I had their back, they had mine. We drank alot...did the college thing. But it's college...this is what you do.
I graduated, moved back home, and lost everything that I was so used to for the last 4 and a half years. My friends were no longer a block down the street. There was no drinking 4 days a week. Instead, it was...get yourself a job, work 40 hours a week, and that's that. Everything I was so used to was gone. Back at home with the mother. Boredom set in like it never has before. For the last 18 months, I've been in what I would call a drug-filled haze. I've smoked weed for about 3 years now, and for the last year and a half of college, it became a somewhat regular thing. I carried the habbit into the "real world". Most people would tell you that weed isn't a gateway drug and that there's nothing wrong with it...which I agree, to a certain extent...but I found myself beginning to use it as a way to escape my life that I came to hate. I was smoking to get high and forget. Then came the narcotics. I always had a special place in my heart for pain pills. I ruptured my appendix senior year of high school and was hospitalized for 18 days. Vicodin and morphine got me through that and it was spectacular. I missed half of my senior year. I was couch ridden with a unlimited supply of vicodin and after a couple of days or weeks, I realized how GOOD they made you feel! This was life's answer. I was sick and vicodin always came to help me out! I found myself looking forward to every 4 hours when I would be given another one. While this never fueled my all-out addiction to narcotics, it certainly was that starting point, that realization of "Wow...this **** makes me feel awesome. I want more."
Once I moved back home and no longer had college, I tried to find something to replace it. Getting high everyday via weed was a decent alternative at first, then that wasn't enough. A friend of mine, her mom had chronic pain, and had an unlimited supply of percocet. The good ones too...whatever you wanted...5s, 10s, 15s...even morph 30s. Okay, let's do that. Once a week, twice a week, everyday it became. I guess I was trying to fill a void. Nothing made me happy anymore...but the percs sure did. I started to slowly, but surely, fall into the beautiful trap of narcotics. I say it's beautiful, because in the moment, you feel spectacular and all of your problems go away and you have no worries. It sure does feel beautiful, but you know it's not.
I'm sick of it. I think I've hit rock bottom, but I don't even know. I know that I've been able to maintain a full time job, friends, family, social life, etc...all while being all dosed up. I've hidden it from everyone. But it doesn't feel good anymore. Recently, it costs me about 150 dollars a day to get high. And when I say high, I don't even mean it in the normal sense of the word anymore. 150 mg of percs doesn't get me high anymore. It gives me the familiar narcotic coming-on feeling, and that's about it. Approximately 5 minutes of bliss and then it vanishes. It's not fun anymore. I'm chasing something that isn't there anymore. I don't think it's worth it.
I want to get my life back on the straight line. I can't afford rehab. Neither can my family. I randomly Googled "online drug addiction forums" and this was one of the first ones to pop up. I'll take it as a sign.
I'm not your typical addict in the sense of the term. At least I don't think I am. But everybody on here is probably more knowledgeable than me on this.
Let me give some background. I'm 24. I'll be 25 in exactly 3 months, on September 11th. I graduated from college in December of 2010 and lost everything that was ever good in my life. I had the best college experience of my life. Met my life long best friends (I truly believe that). It was a group of people that just fit into my life perfectly. We were family. We all had one another. I had their back, they had mine. We drank alot...did the college thing. But it's college...this is what you do.
I graduated, moved back home, and lost everything that I was so used to for the last 4 and a half years. My friends were no longer a block down the street. There was no drinking 4 days a week. Instead, it was...get yourself a job, work 40 hours a week, and that's that. Everything I was so used to was gone. Back at home with the mother. Boredom set in like it never has before. For the last 18 months, I've been in what I would call a drug-filled haze. I've smoked weed for about 3 years now, and for the last year and a half of college, it became a somewhat regular thing. I carried the habbit into the "real world". Most people would tell you that weed isn't a gateway drug and that there's nothing wrong with it...which I agree, to a certain extent...but I found myself beginning to use it as a way to escape my life that I came to hate. I was smoking to get high and forget. Then came the narcotics. I always had a special place in my heart for pain pills. I ruptured my appendix senior year of high school and was hospitalized for 18 days. Vicodin and morphine got me through that and it was spectacular. I missed half of my senior year. I was couch ridden with a unlimited supply of vicodin and after a couple of days or weeks, I realized how GOOD they made you feel! This was life's answer. I was sick and vicodin always came to help me out! I found myself looking forward to every 4 hours when I would be given another one. While this never fueled my all-out addiction to narcotics, it certainly was that starting point, that realization of "Wow...this **** makes me feel awesome. I want more."
Once I moved back home and no longer had college, I tried to find something to replace it. Getting high everyday via weed was a decent alternative at first, then that wasn't enough. A friend of mine, her mom had chronic pain, and had an unlimited supply of percocet. The good ones too...whatever you wanted...5s, 10s, 15s...even morph 30s. Okay, let's do that. Once a week, twice a week, everyday it became. I guess I was trying to fill a void. Nothing made me happy anymore...but the percs sure did. I started to slowly, but surely, fall into the beautiful trap of narcotics. I say it's beautiful, because in the moment, you feel spectacular and all of your problems go away and you have no worries. It sure does feel beautiful, but you know it's not.
I'm sick of it. I think I've hit rock bottom, but I don't even know. I know that I've been able to maintain a full time job, friends, family, social life, etc...all while being all dosed up. I've hidden it from everyone. But it doesn't feel good anymore. Recently, it costs me about 150 dollars a day to get high. And when I say high, I don't even mean it in the normal sense of the word anymore. 150 mg of percs doesn't get me high anymore. It gives me the familiar narcotic coming-on feeling, and that's about it. Approximately 5 minutes of bliss and then it vanishes. It's not fun anymore. I'm chasing something that isn't there anymore. I don't think it's worth it.
I want to get my life back on the straight line. I can't afford rehab. Neither can my family. I randomly Googled "online drug addiction forums" and this was one of the first ones to pop up. I'll take it as a sign.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Welcome to SR GoingHungry911...I love the name....Alcohol took me down the same road narcotics did for you...Beat me up. It got to the point I just had to drink and I didn't even get a buzz from it...I needed it to keep me from getting sick. Not a real good place to be. It's good to see you are functioning now....But that won't last. Sounds like it's time for you to make some changes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you for the welcome. I'm not sure why I'm here, to be honest, but I suppose it's worth a shot. I figure...the way I've been doing things for this long, haven't gotten me anywhere...why not try something different?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
This site is great for online support...Some good people here. Are you going to just try and give up everything?....Detox on your own? That can be dangerous and it's always better to consult a doctor to do it safely...And more comfortable for yourself. Withdrawals suck. You can do it without rehab...Have you put any thought into AA or NA?...Just for a program and to be around some recovered addicts?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by GoingHungry911 
I'm not sure why I'm here, to be honest
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR GoingHungry911 
I can relate to a lot of your story. I'm an alcoholic but it all amounts to the same thing really. College was great for me, it gave me the perfect excuse and cover to drink excessively all the time. Then my dad died in my second year and it started to become a necessity. I had no home to go back to once I finally finished college so going out into the world alcohol was the only constant and I fooled myself into believing I needed it. Eventually it stopped working and I was drinking just to get by. It was a poor excuse for an existence.
I'm not sure there is such a thing as a typical addict so I wouldn't worry about that too much. People might refer to typical addict behaviour but ultimately we're all human and different. Addiction still remains addiction however and the solution is the same no matter how you got there.
It's taken you a relatively short period of time to have some nasty consequences and it sounds like the drugs have stopped working. But you're young and you can get your life back with a little help. Doctors would be the best starting point, then maybe NA or another recovery program...
Glad you're posting here x
I can relate to a lot of your story. I'm an alcoholic but it all amounts to the same thing really. College was great for me, it gave me the perfect excuse and cover to drink excessively all the time. Then my dad died in my second year and it started to become a necessity. I had no home to go back to once I finally finished college so going out into the world alcohol was the only constant and I fooled myself into believing I needed it. Eventually it stopped working and I was drinking just to get by. It was a poor excuse for an existence.
I'm not sure there is such a thing as a typical addict so I wouldn't worry about that too much. People might refer to typical addict behaviour but ultimately we're all human and different. Addiction still remains addiction however and the solution is the same no matter how you got there.
It's taken you a relatively short period of time to have some nasty consequences and it sounds like the drugs have stopped working. But you're young and you can get your life back with a little help. Doctors would be the best starting point, then maybe NA or another recovery program...
Glad you're posting here x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
