Whats with the first ninety days stick cotton in your mouth and not speak?
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
Whats with the first ninety days stick cotton in your mouth and not speak?
My former told me not to speak my first ninety days because I dont know what I am talking about. I dont get it if I can add something or want to share a problem I am seeking help from more experienced people in AA. I speak at pretty much every meeting if I can relate. I share more positivity than negativity. I admit my relapse and speak about how I learned from it. What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 164
I'm not saying anything about you personally, but a lot of people that are newly sober are still very defensive about their drinking and still want to remain sober on their own terms. When someone is always talking, they aren't usually listening very well.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
I've been told this one too, and struggled with it for the same reasons. But, I now realize that I needed to listen more than talk. It wasn't me teaching them, it was me learning, which means listening. Surrender is one of the hardest things for a bullheaded guy like me to do. I'm more of a "if I want their opinion, I'll give it to them" kind of guy. I've learned and re-learned a lot about humility in the past 10 months, but have a whole lot more to learn.
Why not give it a try for a week and see how you feel?
Why not give it a try for a week and see how you feel?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I have spoken at meetings too. I thought it was ok. I'm not there to advise others but sometimes the shares are really relevant and I like to talk about it. It took me a lot of courage to speak up and I wouldn't like to think people thought that was wrong? I think I will ask my sponsor about this tonight.
Grateful AA member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: In the middle of the woods, NJ
Posts: 567
My new sponsor said its fine to talk she has fourteen yrs so Ill go with it I dont think anyone in AA will kick me out usually every meeting I go to is very revelant to my life.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 609
I agree with it in gist, I don't think our judgement is very clear in early sobriety, we probably need to listen. It takes awhile for the haze to clear. I don't think it means we can't speak at all, of course we can, but it's very difficult to discern between sober thoughts and the addictive thoughts in early sobriety. I've seen very smart people unable to.
We can be very quick to take offence or think something makes no sense in early recovery, I know that I was. And I was quick to mouth back too, now I can see what those people were talking about...
We can be very quick to take offence or think something makes no sense in early recovery, I know that I was. And I was quick to mouth back too, now I can see what those people were talking about...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Actually, this is really bothering me now.
I've only spoken a couple of times out of the many meetings I've attended over the past couple of months, and the response both times has been really positive. People have come up to me and thanked me afterwards.
I'm now starting to worry about this. I would hate to think anyone thought I was too big for my boots! I listen intently to what others say, it's not like I'm only interested in hearing the sound of my own voice!
I've only just got my confidence back about going to meetings, I hope I haven't been the source of amusement or irritation to the old timers. I really respect their opinions.
I'm not going to say another word til I get some advice from people at the meetings I go to!
I've only spoken a couple of times out of the many meetings I've attended over the past couple of months, and the response both times has been really positive. People have come up to me and thanked me afterwards.
I'm now starting to worry about this. I would hate to think anyone thought I was too big for my boots! I listen intently to what others say, it's not like I'm only interested in hearing the sound of my own voice!
I've only just got my confidence back about going to meetings, I hope I haven't been the source of amusement or irritation to the old timers. I really respect their opinions.
I'm not going to say another word til I get some advice from people at the meetings I go to!
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
It may be true that a person who is new to abstaining from alcohol has much to learn, but the "take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth" attitude has always struck me as a cruel, dismissive and unnecessary.
Abnormally normal
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
To all who attend AA and it helps them with their recovery, I say, right on!
But for me, its not for me. What you described is one of the reasons why.
No, I don't think its right. I get listening to gain knowledge from those who have walked the road, but what about me gaining from sharing and speaking my struggles out loud, in a way that feels empowering and real. That gives my struggle validation and know that its ok to feel what I am and to be able to face it. You'd think no better place than a room full of people just like me.
I once went to a meeting where I was told not to speak because I was new.
I don't get that. I don't get how my struggle is less important because I'm on day 3, or 5 or 12. I wasn't even going to speak about how hard it had been or 'woe is me'....just share. And even if I were to, so what? Even people with 5 yrs sober have a day they need to gripe about.
I guess its therapy and group for people like me.
But for me, its not for me. What you described is one of the reasons why.
No, I don't think its right. I get listening to gain knowledge from those who have walked the road, but what about me gaining from sharing and speaking my struggles out loud, in a way that feels empowering and real. That gives my struggle validation and know that its ok to feel what I am and to be able to face it. You'd think no better place than a room full of people just like me.
I once went to a meeting where I was told not to speak because I was new.
I don't get that. I don't get how my struggle is less important because I'm on day 3, or 5 or 12. I wasn't even going to speak about how hard it had been or 'woe is me'....just share. And even if I were to, so what? Even people with 5 yrs sober have a day they need to gripe about.
I guess its therapy and group for people like me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
This is one of those sayings I've never been on board with.
Yes listening is a valuable skill but it's not mutually exclusive with talking...most of us can walk and chew gum at the same time....
I hate to think of newcomers being dissuaded from talking or asking questions - I've learned a lot from newcomers here
D
Yes listening is a valuable skill but it's not mutually exclusive with talking...most of us can walk and chew gum at the same time....
I hate to think of newcomers being dissuaded from talking or asking questions - I've learned a lot from newcomers here
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: bryn mawr, pa
Posts: 59
I just reached 60 days. People have encouraged me to share, especially my sponsor. I don't go on and on, just a real quick thought, like "it really helped me when so and so came up and introduced themselves at the first meeting". Or maybe some positive experience/hurdle I had recently. I don't agree with the sentiment that you shouldn't share for 90 days. Everytime I have shared, that is when more people have talked to me after the meeting, it gives them a reason to talk to me and helps me to feel more a part of the group I guess. I also believe it helps some people to share. If you feel it helps you, I can't believe anyone would tell you not to.
I would suggest maybe trying to make it to some/more beginners meetings. They encourage people with 90 days or less to share. One I went to actually had everyone with less than 90 days raise their hands and share. Of course, you could pass but no one did.
I will also add that my groups are usually pretty small and it gets quiet, with no one really wanting to share. That is when I usually share my vast knowledge.
I would suggest maybe trying to make it to some/more beginners meetings. They encourage people with 90 days or less to share. One I went to actually had everyone with less than 90 days raise their hands and share. Of course, you could pass but no one did.
I will also add that my groups are usually pretty small and it gets quiet, with no one really wanting to share. That is when I usually share my vast knowledge.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
And isn't it important for the person sharing to hear a newcomer thank him/her and tell them how it has helped us in our start to sobriety?
I can't believe that I may have made such an error in doing so? I don't think I know it all, I know nothing! But i really thought it was ok, good even, to let others know I appreciated and learned from their shares!
I can't believe how emotional I'm getting about this!!
I can't believe that I may have made such an error in doing so? I don't think I know it all, I know nothing! But i really thought it was ok, good even, to let others know I appreciated and learned from their shares!
I can't believe how emotional I'm getting about this!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Near Scranton PA
Posts: 424
It's one of the self-contradictory things about AA. On one hand, newcomers are supposed to shut up and listen. On the other hand, old timers thank the newcomers for sharing and helping to "keep their memory green".
Listening is of paramount importance but, if all we do is listen, it's not a "program of recovery" it's a class. My recovery isn't based on a sage on the stage. It's based on a guide by my side.
Listening is of paramount importance but, if all we do is listen, it's not a "program of recovery" it's a class. My recovery isn't based on a sage on the stage. It's based on a guide by my side.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
The original intent of meetings was to carry the message of what the steps have to offer. That means for people who have had a spiritual awakening as a result of working the steps, they would be discussing how they were able to stay stopped and how they work the steps into their lives. Group meditation was a huge portion of early AA meetings.
If I haven't done the work necessary to have a spiritual awakening, I have nothing of relevance to offer. I have no solution to share. I have no clue as to what a meeting is really about. Meetings exist so the newcomer may find us.
Then we had rehabs. No more hospitals for alcoholics; they closed (AA began for those who had been hospitalized due to their alcoholism and their lives were seriously in trouble). And group therapy began. We started sharing about our days and what was bothering us. No solution was discussed and AA began to change. Today, it's a mishmash here and there. Sponsors stopped finding sponsees and step work became a slow destination.
"Don't drink, go to meetings, and say your prayers" became the mantra instead of "Do the step work and then go to a meeting to carry the message that hopelessness can become hopefulness." See, in original AA, some people weren't going to meetings until they had done the step work. If one drank, they were no longer considered a member. The history of AA is interesting to read about; also knowing general history of what was going on in America also helps.
For the long timers, when they suggest listening instead of talking, there is a concern. As alkies we like to be right....we don't like to be told what to do. We wait to find a sponsor and to do the work that will give us a new perspective on ourselves and our view to the world. AA began to seriously change.
This is a generalization of maybe why it is said to "take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." We were given two ears and one mouth, maybe we are meant to listen more than talk....
You asked, so this is my take on why it's said. Do what feels comfortable to you. I personally prefer literature meetings and until I worked the steps and had more of an understanding of what I was reading, as a direct result of working one on one with my sponsor, I often would say my name and let them know I was "just listening" at that meeting.
Before this, I attended discussion meetings and I did talk, even after those "long timers" told me I had nothing to offer. I had to talk. I needed you to listen to my stuff. I was a complete and total mess. It helped me to stay sober that day. Then I started to make some friends, a network of women I could call and talk to when things were really rough. Then I found a sponsor. Things fell into place, step work, more meetings, using the tools that were suggested. Yes, it all fell into place.
Whatever works for you today, do it along with working with your sponsor. Bill W. said, “AA can and will change” and it is. Recovery is a personal journey.
I wish you well!
If I haven't done the work necessary to have a spiritual awakening, I have nothing of relevance to offer. I have no solution to share. I have no clue as to what a meeting is really about. Meetings exist so the newcomer may find us.
Then we had rehabs. No more hospitals for alcoholics; they closed (AA began for those who had been hospitalized due to their alcoholism and their lives were seriously in trouble). And group therapy began. We started sharing about our days and what was bothering us. No solution was discussed and AA began to change. Today, it's a mishmash here and there. Sponsors stopped finding sponsees and step work became a slow destination.
"Don't drink, go to meetings, and say your prayers" became the mantra instead of "Do the step work and then go to a meeting to carry the message that hopelessness can become hopefulness." See, in original AA, some people weren't going to meetings until they had done the step work. If one drank, they were no longer considered a member. The history of AA is interesting to read about; also knowing general history of what was going on in America also helps.
For the long timers, when they suggest listening instead of talking, there is a concern. As alkies we like to be right....we don't like to be told what to do. We wait to find a sponsor and to do the work that will give us a new perspective on ourselves and our view to the world. AA began to seriously change.
This is a generalization of maybe why it is said to "take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." We were given two ears and one mouth, maybe we are meant to listen more than talk....
You asked, so this is my take on why it's said. Do what feels comfortable to you. I personally prefer literature meetings and until I worked the steps and had more of an understanding of what I was reading, as a direct result of working one on one with my sponsor, I often would say my name and let them know I was "just listening" at that meeting.
Before this, I attended discussion meetings and I did talk, even after those "long timers" told me I had nothing to offer. I had to talk. I needed you to listen to my stuff. I was a complete and total mess. It helped me to stay sober that day. Then I started to make some friends, a network of women I could call and talk to when things were really rough. Then I found a sponsor. Things fell into place, step work, more meetings, using the tools that were suggested. Yes, it all fell into place.
Whatever works for you today, do it along with working with your sponsor. Bill W. said, “AA can and will change” and it is. Recovery is a personal journey.
I wish you well!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 568
((Jeni))
I don't know much about AA, but I cannot see how you might have done anything wrong at all. It's not as if you stood up and delivered a lecture. I am willing to bet that any comments you made were welcome and well-received. Your comments on this forum lead me to believe that you are a thoughtful, humble person, and I bet the people in your AA group see that as well. Don't worry!
I don't know much about AA, but I cannot see how you might have done anything wrong at all. It's not as if you stood up and delivered a lecture. I am willing to bet that any comments you made were welcome and well-received. Your comments on this forum lead me to believe that you are a thoughtful, humble person, and I bet the people in your AA group see that as well. Don't worry!
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Time and time again it's demonstrated both here and "in the rooms" that some newbs get five minutes of sobriety under their belt and come under the impression they have the world figured out.
I don't mean that derisively, I actually appreciate the exuberance.
I disagree with a sponser requesting ALL of his/her sponcees to zip-it until they've past 'X' days or 'Y' steps. This practice seems like a lazy, demeaning shortcut that rips off the newcomers who do not react to newfound sobriety as described above. Seems better for a sponsor to listen to his/her new sponsee at meetings and then provide guidance on less or more talk as necessary.
But has already been said, not ALL sponsors ascribe to this practice. For that matter, dare I say MOST do not. So, we should be careful to keep the conversation in proportion.
I don't mean that derisively, I actually appreciate the exuberance.
I disagree with a sponser requesting ALL of his/her sponcees to zip-it until they've past 'X' days or 'Y' steps. This practice seems like a lazy, demeaning shortcut that rips off the newcomers who do not react to newfound sobriety as described above. Seems better for a sponsor to listen to his/her new sponsee at meetings and then provide guidance on less or more talk as necessary.
But has already been said, not ALL sponsors ascribe to this practice. For that matter, dare I say MOST do not. So, we should be careful to keep the conversation in proportion.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks Luling.
Guess I'm just a bit emotional at the moment. It doesn't take a lot to make me question stuff. AA is really important to me. I'd hate to mess that up too!
I'm now wondering what the hell I'm doing!
Guess I'm just a bit emotional at the moment. It doesn't take a lot to make me question stuff. AA is really important to me. I'd hate to mess that up too!
I'm now wondering what the hell I'm doing!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 568
That's understandable, Jeni. You had to work up a lot of courage to go back, and look at how well that turned out. See? Your fears were understandable but unnecessary. Same with this. I bet no one even thought twice about whether or not you should be speaking up; I bet they were glad to hear from you.
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