JimJim

So I have caved in again to visiting my best friend and I don't want to be over dramatic but I want to post because I know I have to stop or I will live like this untill I die.

I was on auto pilot going into to get the booze and I was filling with tears as I walked into the shop. I was hiding my tears from fellow customers as i walked to the counter to buy the stuff and I was in tears when I left. I felt desperation as i popped the bottle and feeling have not improved since.

I have visited AA in the past, but I never thought I would have to return to the dump I grew up in. I can't fathom doing anything here. I do not want to meest anybody in this ********. I HAVE to escape. It has been groundhog day for six months and I have been applying for jobs to no success. I am seeing the four horsemen over the hill waiting for me. I need to get out of here but I can't. I understand that only I can change the situation and I have been taking active measures to do so. I can not stay sober in this house where I am but I can not afford to move untill I find a job.

I know I can stay sober I have done it! but I know I can't do it here in this place I have wanted to escape my whole llife.

why I post? I know I can come back and up but now does not seem the time or literally the place. Thanks for listening to a drunk that knows he can not be drunk in any other place but here. A hiatus is needed perhaps?

JimJim

I can cry all want about my circumstances I know and I respect people's circumstances that I havae read that are extremely difficult. This situation brings feelings of implausablilty to stop drinking. I know I can get away from it and it is only a matter of time before I do.

JimJim

Swaering, physical fighting I have returned to in my parents home, it seemed the only option after returnig from working in China. I need to escape surely before I can stop drinking!

Dee74

Hi Jim
I'm sorry you're struggling.

'I'm not ready' is an excuse I used a lot but it's a meaningless thing to say really, isn't it?

If you want to quit, you can do it - you just have to apply the right amount of effort.

I got sober in the same house I got drunk in, and in the same neighbourhood - it's hard for sure but it's not impossible because I made changes and I really wanted to stay sober.

In the end I think it's pretty simple - if you're prepared to go to more lengths to stay sober than to get a drink you'll win...if you're prepared to make all the changes necessary in your life to focus on sobriety and not on drinking, you'll win

You know there's things you could be doing - whether it's AA or some other group - why not add that extra layer? what have you got to lose?

and if, ultimately, you really think you need that hiatus - is rehab an option?

D

JimJim

I believe sometimes the environment is a factor for drinking,

You are spot on that I need to make changes. I am trying very hard but they are not happening. Parents/family fighting unitill 3am. A list of excuses perhaps I know. exactly, changes are neccessary but frustratingly so I can not change them at the moment. I will need to be patient. But it seems I can not be sober and patient. Indeed ' I am not ready' is crap. I know I must be done, but It does not seem fathomable in these circumstances which I know will change, therefore becoming fathomable in the future

tomsteve

as long as ya say crap like, " but I know I can't do it here in this place ', its not gonna matter where you go because wherever you go, there you are.
if you depend on a geographiclal change or a job to get sober, it aint gonna work and iffen ya go back to AA, you will hear the same thing.
. i dont say what i say to be right. i say it because i have a crapload of personal experience of being wrong and what didnt work.

Sapling

I don't know if they offer sober living houses or homeless shelters that are clean environments in England...I have a homeless shelter right near my homegroup meeting...And these are normal everyday people that lost it all to alcohol and drugs and they are doing everything humanly possible to get sober and back on their feet. I guess it's not a question of when you want to do it...It's how bad you want to do it.

JimJim

I must disagree,

I left a council estate of shagging around at aged twelve and setting fire to cars with the hope that , like most, I would have a child and be fully benefited from the state for my sad elongated excistance. I gained a first class physics degree from one of the most prestigious Universities in England and went to work in China, becomming fluent in the language in six months.

So, I honestly feel I can not be here, I have tried, back in this current place where I am surrounded by negativity. I have visited many parts of England and none are like this. My parents are the underclass and have abused me from birth. I moved once for this and I will move again.

OklaBH

Ok...so you arent ready. Whats it going to take to be ready? Jail? Liver Failure? Pancreatis? Chose now or your good buddy alcohol will chose for you..and it wont be pretty.

Sapling

What's the hold up? Quit buying booze and start working on moving.

Dee74

If you believe your environment is hurting you then by all means move Jim. I hope it helps.

I'm surrounded by drinking, drugs and crime where I live - but it doesn't matter to me in terms of my recovery - I hope you'll reach this kind of peace & equanimity too

D

aNewEternity

if you want to find out if you are ready you can fill out a sort of cost-benefit analysis.

first you go through and list the things you like about drinking; then the things you dislike. you can ask auxiliary questions such as, "do I still receive the benefits I've listed or are they only things that happened in the past?"; "is there any way I can achieve the things I like about drinking through other means?"... and so on. SMART Recovery handbook gives you this and much more in its opening exercise.

Hevyn

JimJim - I believe you can and will make the change. I understand wanting to numb yourself as a buffer against your environment - but you hold yourself back when you're in a foggy state. I did a similar thing for many years, and now I regret that waste of time. I thought I was helping myself keep my sanity, but I was doing just the opposite. My anxiety level was through the roof, and I was spinning in circles. I hope you'll decide to stop, so you can be clearheaded to make your escape plans.

I'm glad you shared your feelings, JimJim. We're on your side.

JimJim

Thanks for your replies,

Sapling, you are correct, that's my point I'm trying to get a job and move, change, but it is not happening. It will come with time and I know I will be done with this.

Dee, Thanks. These are my surroundings and I am blessed with the opportunity to escape this for it has caused much grief which I no longer wish to be any near of.

I will stick aroung and support others but I need to find that place of being DONE at the moment

Zee

Right now Im sitting in the same chair at the same desk I had my last drink before I was taken to detox (I was really Pi**ed off because the ambulance arrived before I could finish the bottle of vodka! yes, true!) That was over 9 months ago. My desk has coffee rings on the coasters rather than voddie and coke now. I could have had a drink any time since, but I haven't. I have been very close to the end and I now value my life enough to stay off the jungle juice and get it back. I hope it doesn't get that bad for you.

JimJim

Zee,

I understand your point.

I have had my health scares and have all the history and shame of being an alkie. that's why my eyes fill with tears whilst I buy the booze now.

I just feel I need to escape this environment which I have previously worked to escape before. I have turned a new leaf with my drinking, I'm in the end stages of being done. I have accepted that I can't drink and know that I am done, It's a matter of time

JimJim

you'll see folks. I'll post soon, 30 days sober, 2 months etcetera. I know I'm done I'm gonna stick with it. I'll find a way. I'll be around

Leemzer

You sound like me, totally ABLE to do it, but NOT doing it...just be careful, or you WILL be me, and keep saying you are doing it until 20 years later, like me, you FINALLY do it...beware of "it will happen one day." It might.....it might not. I wish you strength.
Lee

Leemzer

I also have top notch degrees from top notch schools and made one B between an undergraduate and a graduate degree....all accomplished while drunk and on drugs. What COULD I have done? Don't allow your achievements to hinder you getting the help you need...I still beat myself up for having done so well in college but not being able to get my life together...apparently amazing achievement and intelligence are NOT accurate predictors of one's ability to become sober...just look at all the greats throughout history...

Dee74

Keep posting Jim.

Just remember - you can set the timetable here - not your addiction and not external circumstances

I would have never believed that when I was in the throes of hell, but it really is true

D