Just need to know where to start
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Bakersfield, CA
Posts: 3
Just need to know where to start
My wife and I have been together for 5 years. We have three children (14, 6 and 4...I have one from a previous marriage, she has one from a previous marriage and we have one together). For 4 and a half years I had a perfect marriage and a wife I thought could do no wrong.
2 years into our relationship my wife began to have seizures. I was terrified. After numerous doctors visits they could not find out why this was happening. It was a nightmare for me, but we handled it best we could.
6 months ago my wife was contact by her brother who told her he was going to court to prosecute their father for molestation. It became very obvious to me that my wife had also been molested. Shortly after this came out my wife told me that she was addicted to pain killers and had been for almost 10 years. This, it turns out, was the cause of her seizures. She also told me that she was an alcoholic. The next biggie was that she had stolen money from her last 2 jobs and was terminated because of it, telling me that she was fired for other reasons (it should be mentioned that she didn't steal the money for drugs or booze...it was just to spend...more on that next). However, the biggest shock came last.
I had opened a small business just before meeting my wife. My business seemed to do very well, but it seemed we were always struggling to pay bills. At the end of that first year, my tax guy said there was a $40,000 discrepancy with my books. I won't go into detail on this, but simply to say my wife took the money from our business. This was on top of the money she was taking out of my wallet and out of our joint checking account. Although she did buy some booze and drugs with it, she was primarily buying just random crap with the money. A spending addiction if you will.
Needless to say I found out at this same time that she was also a pretty good liar.
I understand I was blind and I am an idiot for not seeing this. However, I was, and still am, totally in love with this woman. Sadly, 4 after half years of marital bliss in one day I found out that my wife had been molested as a child and had some serious emotional scars from it, is addicted to pain killers, is addicted to alcohol, is addicted to spending, is a thief and an amazing liar.
It's been six months since I first found all this out. First the good: In this time my wife says she has been clean from the drugs. (Is this true? I think/hope so, she hasn't been showing any signs of the drug use. She had me buy home drug tests to randomly check her to make sure and so far she appears clean from drugs). She is in therapy for the molestation and although has not made much progress at least she seems to be heading in the right direction.
Now the bad: She still drinks at least once a week. She tries to drink when no one is around or she hides it from everyone and you can only tell because she can't speak or walk properly. Her therapist does not address the chemical dependency side of things and has tried to get her into counseling a few times, but she blows those meetings off. She is still spending money at a crazy rate and is really hurting our family financially. Further, she is amazingly resourceful at how she gets the money. Trying to keep it away from her is all but impossible. She is also still lying constantly as I am always catching her.
I am ready to fight the good fight to keep this woman and to help her get healthy. Sadly I just don't know if it is a fools errand or not. Although she has made some steps toward fixing some of her problems, it is few and far between. I don't think she has hit "rock bottom" mainly because I save her from rock bottom. She has SO MANY issue, it is almost overwhelming for me to even consider. I can't imagine how she is going to tackle it or even if she will try. I hate to sound weak, but it is honestly how I feel.
Still I am a plan kinda guy. So if I plan to be around for this ordeal I believe I should try and help with each issue independently and tackle the most dangerous first. So, with her in therapy for molestation already, I believe the alcoholism is the next big thing I need to help her focus on. The problem I have is I just don't know where to begin.
I have had friends who have battled with alcoholism and it was classic in nature. I have seen how that was handled. My wife however, is a very functional alcoholic. It is not like anything I have ever seen or know how to deal with. She doesn't drink in public (with rare exception) she drinks alone and hides it. Although she has said she believes she is an alcoholic, I am not sure she does. She has stated more than a few times, "I felt like drinking, so I did...no big deal". So, where does one begin? Believing that she says she wants to get better, what can I do to help? Do I try and keep the alcohol away from her or must she do it on her own? Do I confront her when she drinks or should I just stay away from her? Can this mountain be climbed or am I just a fool?
2 years into our relationship my wife began to have seizures. I was terrified. After numerous doctors visits they could not find out why this was happening. It was a nightmare for me, but we handled it best we could.
6 months ago my wife was contact by her brother who told her he was going to court to prosecute their father for molestation. It became very obvious to me that my wife had also been molested. Shortly after this came out my wife told me that she was addicted to pain killers and had been for almost 10 years. This, it turns out, was the cause of her seizures. She also told me that she was an alcoholic. The next biggie was that she had stolen money from her last 2 jobs and was terminated because of it, telling me that she was fired for other reasons (it should be mentioned that she didn't steal the money for drugs or booze...it was just to spend...more on that next). However, the biggest shock came last.
I had opened a small business just before meeting my wife. My business seemed to do very well, but it seemed we were always struggling to pay bills. At the end of that first year, my tax guy said there was a $40,000 discrepancy with my books. I won't go into detail on this, but simply to say my wife took the money from our business. This was on top of the money she was taking out of my wallet and out of our joint checking account. Although she did buy some booze and drugs with it, she was primarily buying just random crap with the money. A spending addiction if you will.
Needless to say I found out at this same time that she was also a pretty good liar.
I understand I was blind and I am an idiot for not seeing this. However, I was, and still am, totally in love with this woman. Sadly, 4 after half years of marital bliss in one day I found out that my wife had been molested as a child and had some serious emotional scars from it, is addicted to pain killers, is addicted to alcohol, is addicted to spending, is a thief and an amazing liar.
It's been six months since I first found all this out. First the good: In this time my wife says she has been clean from the drugs. (Is this true? I think/hope so, she hasn't been showing any signs of the drug use. She had me buy home drug tests to randomly check her to make sure and so far she appears clean from drugs). She is in therapy for the molestation and although has not made much progress at least she seems to be heading in the right direction.
Now the bad: She still drinks at least once a week. She tries to drink when no one is around or she hides it from everyone and you can only tell because she can't speak or walk properly. Her therapist does not address the chemical dependency side of things and has tried to get her into counseling a few times, but she blows those meetings off. She is still spending money at a crazy rate and is really hurting our family financially. Further, she is amazingly resourceful at how she gets the money. Trying to keep it away from her is all but impossible. She is also still lying constantly as I am always catching her.
I am ready to fight the good fight to keep this woman and to help her get healthy. Sadly I just don't know if it is a fools errand or not. Although she has made some steps toward fixing some of her problems, it is few and far between. I don't think she has hit "rock bottom" mainly because I save her from rock bottom. She has SO MANY issue, it is almost overwhelming for me to even consider. I can't imagine how she is going to tackle it or even if she will try. I hate to sound weak, but it is honestly how I feel.
Still I am a plan kinda guy. So if I plan to be around for this ordeal I believe I should try and help with each issue independently and tackle the most dangerous first. So, with her in therapy for molestation already, I believe the alcoholism is the next big thing I need to help her focus on. The problem I have is I just don't know where to begin.
I have had friends who have battled with alcoholism and it was classic in nature. I have seen how that was handled. My wife however, is a very functional alcoholic. It is not like anything I have ever seen or know how to deal with. She doesn't drink in public (with rare exception) she drinks alone and hides it. Although she has said she believes she is an alcoholic, I am not sure she does. She has stated more than a few times, "I felt like drinking, so I did...no big deal". So, where does one begin? Believing that she says she wants to get better, what can I do to help? Do I try and keep the alcohol away from her or must she do it on her own? Do I confront her when she drinks or should I just stay away from her? Can this mountain be climbed or am I just a fool?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I know it is hard sometimes to do that. I am with hypochondriac. Post in Family and Friends today, as there are wise, helpful people over there.
Of course, you are always welcome in this neighborhood too. :-) Keep posting, and we will make sure you get support.
Of course, you are always welcome in this neighborhood too. :-) Keep posting, and we will make sure you get support.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,602
Welcome to SR alxndr 
I'm sorry for your situation.
I have no experience to share with you myself but but like others have said you'll find a lot of experience support and advice, both here and in our Family and Friends forum
D
I'm sorry for your situation.
I have no experience to share with you myself but but like others have said you'll find a lot of experience support and advice, both here and in our Family and Friends forum
D
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