brdlvr

I too am a binge drinker. And like you, there sometimes (but getting more and more rare) that I Can have one or two drinks. But most of the time - no matter how good my intentions are- if I have one, it leads to drinking all night and sometimes the next day too. Like others have said, it's not how much but what happens when you drink. The times that I was able to keep it in check and drink normal - gave reason to my alcholic voice to tell me that it was ok. That I could drink and it would be ok. But at some point, I would always go back to a binge. A couple weeks of drinking "ok" then bam! And yes, it would affect me for a few days after - mentally and physically. I am trying to quit for good because I'm tired of living this way and I've learned that I can't consistantly drink safely.

soberred

My occasional binge drinking turned into full alcoholism. It's progressive. It takes control when you least expect it. If I knew then what I know now, I may not have taken the first drink. Quitting now before it's too late is your best bet. Welcome to SR

emmam

Thank you all for your responses. I made the decision to quit drinking.

Sapling

It's a good decision...Now you have to take some action on it...Do you have any kind of plan?

emmam

A plan? Not really. And I actually didn't even really finish my post due to embarrassment. I know I'm going to need to get over that.

I made the decision last week pretty much right after I posted. Last night was my first real test for myself and I failed. My in laws were over for dinner and wanted to celebrate my sister in law's being cancer free for three years. They brought champagne, and I had a glass. That glass turned into two. Then a glass of wine on top of that. I didn't get drunk, but I feel absolutely terrible that I committed to quitting and failed at my first real attempt.

The dinner was a belated mother's day dinner, and I bought sparkling cider with intentions to drink that instead of wine. But I didn't. The cider is still in the fridge.

A bit more background:
My husband has been telling me for years that I have a problem. I said I was going to quit years ago (deep down I knew I wasn't really planning to), but then changed my mind and for many years tried many different ways of moderation. None of it worked. What really drove me to sincerely decide to quit and find some support is that last week he took video of my drunkeness. He's told me what I was like and while I believed him, seeing with my own eyes and hearing with my own ears was worlds different than a description. It was eye opening. I am not the same person when I'm drunk and I don't like the person I saw in the video.

The commitment I made to myself last week was my first serious and sincere attempt at quitting, but to him I think it's no different than the million other times I said I'd quit or cut back. So now that I failed last night it's just one more in a long line. I know I can still do this, but I don't think he believes it (I can't blame him based on past experiences), and I'm having a hard time with that.

I know I'll beat this, but I feel like such a failure right now and I can't stop being so down on myself.

Sapling, going back to your question no I don't have a plan, but I think I need to work on one, especially after last night's f*** up.

Sapling

What about going to an AA meeting?...See how millions of other people...Including myself did it. It's free....And it won't hurt you.

emmam

I would consider it, but I'm not religious in any way. Looking at the 12 steps, it seems like I'd have to be for it to apply to me. Is this an incorrect assumption?

Sapling

That is incorrect....It's a spiritual program...Not religious....There are many agnostics and athiests that have gotten and remained sober in AA.

emmam

Thanks for the clarification, Sapling. It's certainly something I'll consider then.

Payton

Welcome! I really relate a lot to your posts. I was an occasional binge drinker (though not really since i hady daughter) but i tried that moderate drinking too - well then that turned into every day and even afternoon and I developed a terrible edginess and appetite for it that just kept increasing until I started sneaking around and I realized it was starting to consume me. Even thoug I wasn't getting drunk enough to get into trouble, it was taking over my life. I hope you join us in theater beginners thread. I am on Day 5 and being in that thread is really helpful.

CarolD

Welcome emmam...

I'm so glad you are willing to explore AA....it's certainly been an awesome
adventure in "How to live sober and enjoy recovery". for me..

Early on I thought of meetings as classrooms ..perhaps you could too.

All my best to you and your husband...

Sapling

They are classrooms CarolD.

Bluebonnet1

Interestingly, I got on here to learn more or get advice about my alcoholic boyfriend, but learned more about myself through this thread. I am also a binge drinker. I explored moderation management at the beginning of the year, and I think those concepts, along with a new antidepressant, have helped me cut way, way back. However, my increasing frustration with my boyfriend led to 2 binges this week. Wednesday night, it resulted in a pretty serious fight and I slapped him. We left things alone until yesterday, when we drank all day for "fun" and then ended up fighting again last night. I realize now that abstinence is my only solution, and that it will likely end our relationship because he can't or won't stop.

I hope you find the willpower to get through this. You might check out moderation management, and at least commit to a 30 if AA seems a little overwhelming. I'm not discounting ANY of the advice on here. I'm glad AA works for so many, and I even tried to go to an al-anon meeting last week after reading some threads here. I'm glad we both have found such a great support system. Good luck.

Dee74

welcome bluebonnet

D

lillyknitting

Try stopping drinking for three weeks, just three small weeks. You will be amazed at the results. If you like it you can stay stopped. After all, if you don't like it you can keep on drinking. Peace x

hypochondriac

As an atheist, looking at the 12 steps makes me think that too Emmam but I think it's easily adaptable...12Steps

I'm posting that for me as much as you

Do whatever it takes to stay sober. I started off on AVRT and that really helped me initially but I want to try other things too.

Good luck x

Zencat

I would be more correct to say that the 12-Steps are a type of mystical spirituality. Meaning one connects to a God (of your understanding) or a Higher Power to be relieved of alcoholism.

I prefer a more naturalistic spirituality and approach the 12-steps with an atheistic inclination. Below are some links that show how atheist/agnostics have found how to work the AA program for lasting sobriety.

Agnostic AA 12 Steps
AA Agnostic London South & Home Counties
An Atheist's Guide to Twelve-Step Recovery from Substance Addiction
AA Agnostics of the San Franscisco Bay Area

fairenough

I'm new, just signed up to SR here today and just read your thread. I'll look around and see what you've decided. I, too, considered myself a binge drinker. But I started to notice that nice wine with dinner would turn into another binge. Once a bottle or two of wine was done, I'd look for something else to drink-beers, scotch, tequila, vodka, whatever. I'm glad you were able to see a video that helped convince you. Unfortunately, I guess I fake it/act well enough because most of the time nobody realized I was even buzzed. I see I've a huge need to APPEAR in control when I'm not. Went out a couple weeks ago and drank far too much and came back alone on a train after midnight.doing my damndest to look sober although I saw double. As a woman alone, I once again put my life in danger by drinking. Got back and my roommate didn't even know I was drunk. I thought to myself 2days ago this is way beyond binge. It's killing me, body and soul. I hope you've worked out a way to get out of it. For me, "binge" somehow made me ok with it. Now I'm honest with myself it's beyond a binge.

GottaBounce

I started out the same way and have only been able to admit that it is a real problem. Your post really resonated with me, emmam. Thanks.

bumble

I just joined SR too - BECAUSE I'm a binge drinker. Sometimes, I'm ok to have a glass or two of wine with dinner, and sometimes I can't resist chugging rum straight from the bottle after I've had a glass of wine with dinner.

Being unable to predict when it will be fine and when it won't be, for me anyhow, PROVES I have no control.

And it's only gotten worse over the years.