cheeto

I know it's only Day 12 but I just feel like crying right now I feel so sad and depressed.I guess all my past is bubbling up of all the time I have wasted and how I have screwed up my life and relationships and am now so alone. Normally when these feelings would come up I would drink to drown them but I know that will only keep me in this disfunctional life.I know I have to be patient but I sure would love to fast forward my life so that I don't have these alcohol urges and bad feelings about myself.
Guess I better get my butt out the door and go for a walk to feel better...
Sorry to vent..

eJoshua

I've found when my past keeps bubbling up and I can't stop the negative thoughts the best thing I can do for myself is go find someone to talk to them about. AA meetings have helped me out a lot when I have to get out of my head.

scrambled2012

What you are experiencing is normal. Your memory is going to be better in day to day activities, and you are also going to be remembering a lot of things from the past that you haven't thought about in a long time. Learning to live with them--getting used to the sometimes ugly emotions connected to them--is doable. It takes time but it will happen.

Your regrets about time wasted...nearly all of us can identify with that, although it helps to note that not all was wasted, you have learned some things about others and yourself (if only humility), and you have managed to make it to this point in your life alive. There are a lot of "perfect people" who did all the right things that, for whatever reason, have lost there lives at a young age. You still have that gift called life and the commodity that is time; if you determine to use it wisely, you can have the fulfillment you are seeking.

Stay strong buddy. Don't run from the pain. Embrace it, make it yours, and grow. Like they say in the gym, no pain no gain....

Leemzer

Scrambled2012 pretty much summarized exactly what I was thinking AND what I am feeling today too, Cheeto, which is very similarly to you....we have to figure out a way to deal with these painful emotions in a constructive way instead of resorting to drinking. For me, I have realized I have to have a plan, and this is going to take WORK and owning up to a lot of stuff in my life....just to stop drinking alone is to merely scratch the surface...be strong, my friend.
lee

hypochondriac

This will pass Cheeto as you work on your sobriety. In the mean time :ghug3

I had huge ups and downs early on but tbh it wasn't really as bad as the ups and downs I had drunk. Things will even out quicker than you think.

Hope you feel better soon x

Sapling

It's already figured out Leemzer...You are describing the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I really think you both should at least give it a try...You don't have to do this alone...People have done it...They want to show you how.

Leemzer

Yes, I think I am heading in that direction...I've been resisting, don't know why, but I am strongly considering it...

Jaynee

I'm not really sure what I'm feeling today...., started to analysis myself and thought maybe I'm depressed (feeling sorry for myself, since it's mother's day and I'm by myself), or maybe I'm happy, because I have moments where I'm very happy about other news, and then I just gave up thinking about it. Lifted some weights, watched Deepak 10 steps to happiness, which always helps me. But that effin' urge is stronger than ever today. I into my 6th day sober, and I don't want to leave the house to get groceries because I know I will pace back and forth by the booze section like a crazy lady trying to prevent myself from saying "oh eff it" and just grab a case. It's like someone else has taken or is trying to take over my mind and body......... No I don't go to AA, don't like it, and no I'm not going to phone anyone from AA, or anyone else for that matter. I am here because I don't want to argue with anyone.

Anna

Yes, it's not easy and it does take work.

I knew that stopping drinking was not going to be all I had to do. I knew I was opening up a world of pain that I was going to have to get through. But, trust that you can do this. You will get through it slowly but surely.

I smiled when you said you would like to fast-forward your life so you didn't have bad feelings about yourself. But, the whole point is that you have to go 'through' the bad feelings and then things begin to take shape. You will realize that you are stronger than you thought. You will realize that there is a lot of good mixed in with the mistakes you've made.

Leemzer

I love that last sentence, Anna!

Hevyn

I agree with Anna. We're on this journey for a reason. Everything we've been through adds to our wisdom and maturity. Some of my friends who have 'perfect' lives are actually quite shallow. Many of us alcoholics turn out to be people of fine quality - seasoned by all our trials. I wish I could undo some of the pain I caused, but I'm happy with the person I'm becoming.

I hope you won't spend too much time on regret and guilt cheeto. It leads nowhere, and keeps us from reaching out for our new life, the one right in front of us. I'm glad you posted!

cheeto

Thanks everyone,I went for my power walk to feel better which I do and then I find all these encouraging words now that I am back.So glad you are all here to pick me and everyone else up when we are down or just to listen when we need to vent what we are thinking,feeling etc.
I am actually feeling pretty good that at this time of night (6PM) that I would be on my third or fourth drink by now and getting ready to go out for more drinks later.
Thanks again everyone

YVRguy

Hey Cheeto

I sure know those times and feeling alone even with people all around me.

What I came to realize is everyone feels sad and depressed at times when they are just living life. I kind of see a lot of people struggle with these same issues who are not addicts/abusers of substances.

I think it gets very intense for the people with a substance issues especially just past withdrawal stage from a substances because we kind of blanked out most of that stuff during whatever using time we had. The extra layers of stuff we think about ourselves , what we did/didn't do, what we lost, and all the past can really haunt us. Nobody feels proud of using time and what it costs :-(

I just know, for me , it passes in time and the more time away from using the better chance things can become more normal , with ups , downs , the unexpected ( booth good and bad). I view it as coming out of a fog bank and sometimes I am in the middle of my own self built mine field and then sometimes I am in an open meadow with flowers I can now see and smell.

I always know it will be weeks, for me, after the binge/withdrawal till I have any sense of whether its mines or a meadow. We put our bodies and minds through a blender and I don't think it all comes together as fast as we might like and once it together, its still as imperfect as everyone else's and maybe a little more maladjusted.

I find taking a walk or distracting myself or reading something positive helps me shut down the analysis paralysis of coulda/woulda/shoulda because there appears to be only what is and what can be.

Take care

Psalm

Big props to AA. It wasn't for me tho. It was great to be amongst a lot of people who are in need of help or offering to give it. For me it was seeing the people who were really struggling with alcoholism that made it hard for me to go cause sadly it made me wanna drink. I prefer the solo counseling sessions. AA meetings are going on pretty much on an hourly basis which has the added benefits but I met some really nice people who let me call them when I do need someone to talk too.

2granddaughters

I found sobriety and recovery in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wish you the best in your chosen program.

Bob R

tomsteve

ahhhhhh...feeelings!!! thats what happens when the fog lifts! i'll tell ya what helped me, and it became a major part of my 4th step list from the program of AA, is i put pen to paper and started writing EVERYTHING that came into my mind down. that took a LOT of paper!
one thing for ya to look at is that yer not a bad person. yer sick. if you really want to be rid of the self hate and regret, i would highly suggest AA. you will find people who have been where you are right now and got out from under all that crap.
i had regretted my past for many,many years. today, i dont regret it and dont want to forget it either. if i regret it, ill get drunk. if i forget it, ill repeat it. i can look back now and say," yup....i used to be like that, but thank God i'm not that person anymore."

Fenris

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." That first month or so of sobriety was miserable for me. Being fully-conscious for the first time of everything I'd done, the pain I'd caused, and the internal pain that I drank to avoid...but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Feeling bad is better than not feeling at all. Give yourself some time Cheeto, to work through this stuff...it seems overwhelming at first, especially if you're not used to feeling anything at all, but it gets easier.

--Fenris.

Michael66

Hey cheeto,

I think we all feel for you - and know those feelings. For me a spiritual aspect that is important is to acknowledge those things but then to know forgiveness, and that includes forgiving yourself. I'm working through a 32 week 'retreat' to help me but it strikes me that AA also helps people to forgive themselves.

Good luck, and I hope and pray that you going to bless and be blessed on your new path.

OCDDan

Cheeto,

Even if the only thing you do is not drink, you'll feel better soon. Of course the more you put into recovery, the more you'll get out, but at least if you don't take that first drink, you'll be ok soon. You made it this far, you are just about out of the woods, (depending on how plastered you used to get). The sadness and urges? you could just about set a clock to them, next weekend you should be posting a whole new outlook. Dan